frazzled1 Posted July 18, 2012 Report Share Posted July 18, 2012 I'm sorry to reuse recent wording but it seemed appropriate.I don't know if my current feelings are due to my age, 40, mid-life melt down and all, or due to my recent behaviors but I have been feeling trapped inside myself (for want of a better way to put it). Not really like life is pointless and not really stuck in a rut but understimulated maybe or un-expanded. It's funny, I am in school and I do learn from my classes but I still feel unchallenged. I have been thinking about things like a vow of silence or breaking some kind of record or climbing a mountain flying lessons (I'm terrified of heights and hate planes). I feel like I need to do something I would believe to be impossible just to prove to myself, either; that I can do it or that I am not too afraid to try.Has anyone else ever felt this way? What did/would you do? Any suggestions would be appreciated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malign Posted July 18, 2012 Report Share Posted July 18, 2012 Does it have to be fantastic (or even "impossible") to be point-ful?The closest I came to this feeling (and it's not very close) was an ongoing desire, during my marriage, to plan things like a walking trip across the country, or a driving trip around the world (okay, kidding about the second one). In my case, the aspect of escape, rather than the aspect of challenge, was more significant. I only planned things that involved a lengthy absence, preferably permanent, from the marital home ...Do you think it might be related to the ongoing discussion with 'sedsed' about life's purpose?Maybe for some of us (or, probably for virtually all of us), it's likely that our purpose is entirely mundane (literally, "of this world", as opposed to "out of this world").Here's a nearly impossible challenge for all of us, "to prove to [ourselves], either; that [we] can do it or that [we are] not too afraid to try":We could all live happy, proud, fulfilled lives being just who we are.Call me when you need a bigger challenge. ;-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frazzled1 Posted July 18, 2012 Author Report Share Posted July 18, 2012 Okay smarty pants. But your challenge is a little vague. It is definitely challenging just non-specific.I think you might be on to something with the marital thing. Well, you know I am not married but in something of a relationship. If I didn't talk at all for awhile I don't think it would affect him other than to piss him off and make him try to force me to break such a vow. He wouldn't support me in any endeavor. That would not be my purpose of course but neither should my purpose be to avoid pissing him off.#1 I spent 3 years in Germany, almost died there actually, I tried to get my ex to go on a day trip with me, the black forest, the louvre, rome, venise... Something!!! I was in a different country for goodness sake on a different continent and suffered a near death experience and I got a couple of trips to the nuremburg zoo (awesome zoo btw), anyway that was 3 years of missed opportunities and it nags at me frequently.#2 A thing does not have to be fantastic or big to be "point-full" but if you find yourself with the inclination to do something big and fantastic (even for reasons you don't understand) do you know any reason that you shouldn't endeavor to do it?#3 It started before the conversation with seddy. I'm sure there was a trigger but I don't know what it was.I'm sure I will figure it out with your/somebody's help. Eventually maybe. The Sun will rise every day whether I do or not I suppose. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frazzled1 Posted July 18, 2012 Author Report Share Posted July 18, 2012 Being a little more serious... I don't know for certain what triggered this desire to grow or be bigger than I am currently. These words aren't really coming out right. I know that am all the things that I would even consider endeavoring to do. But lets just pretend I still have control of my senses and my logic is still sound. Maybe I am looking to escape too in some way like right now I haven't and wouldn't live loudly enough for anyone to hear me (not even me sometimes). But if I did this thing than the me that wants to do it will no longer be the captive of the me that hasn't and wouldn't. Does that make sense to anyone but me? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malign Posted July 18, 2012 Report Share Posted July 18, 2012 Mmm. I definitely have had a feeling that resonates with "the me that wants to do it will no longer be the captive of the me that hasn't and wouldn't."Probably different in a lot of important details, but yes, there's sense in your goal.Is there another way to escape captivity, that's all I wonder.In my case, 'finding my way' suggested that I should try to learn to draw. Not life-threatening, but life-changing. Just by doing something that my then-overwhelming Censor part thought was stupid as well as beyond my abilities (it was neither), I was able to find out about my other parts, and Censor didn't even seem to mind. I still have longer-term struggles with how much to monitor myself (or rather, how to monitor myself less), but it was a breakthrough. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frazzled1 Posted July 18, 2012 Author Report Share Posted July 18, 2012 That's just it, mal, I do draw- I drew a mascot for a local youth sports team (it is still in use), I have painted murals that are still around, I have designed clothes and created the design, I have crocheted things that people still use, my kids think I am awesome (that could be part of the problem there), I speak several different languages (mostly just enough to be annoying or helpful), my head is full of crap! loads and loads of CRAP! I want to remember what it's like to be young and spirited. Not talented and smart and loved. Just brave and strange and well liked would be nice for awhile. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frazzled1 Posted July 18, 2012 Author Report Share Posted July 18, 2012 Maybe we could look at it more as a sabbatical and less like an escape. A sort of means to a long term narrow focus? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frazzled1 Posted July 19, 2012 Author Report Share Posted July 19, 2012 Ok mal I am having a break down. Thank you for helping me to see how truly screwed up my thinking is. I don't really have anyone else to talk to and I'm certain that's all I need but I am in a self loathing mode right now and I am trying to ignore it by creating something big to do so I don't have to deal with it. My thinking has become completely muddled and I don't even know what I am doing here (in the forum I mean). I care about and respect everyone here and I kinda feel like sharing my real problem (the tree not the root because I haven't quite gotten that far), would somehow be small and just serve to take away from others here that need or deserve help more than me.I am trying not to think like this because I KNOW (there's that word again) that we are all as worthy as another but on the surface right now I feel like my problem is stupid and that I am stupid for ignoring it or failing to recognize it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted July 19, 2012 Report Share Posted July 19, 2012 Frazzled, I'm here to listen. Does it help to talk more about what's bothering you? Sharing and supporting one another is what our community is all about. I hope you won't judge what is upsetting you or yourself for feeling upset about it. We are here to support you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frazzled1 Posted July 19, 2012 Author Report Share Posted July 19, 2012 Thank you IJ and for the record I am not blaming malign for dragging it out of me. I am glad that it's out. It's still stupid to me because it's all about love. My entire way of thinking is messed up not because of all the bad things that have happened in my life, abuse self and otherwise, but because of love.I know most people don't view love as a traumatic event (not in itself anyway) but it has challenged my reality and my logic about my life no longer makes sense. I'm having a hard time with self correction and I'm not even sure where to start. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted July 19, 2012 Report Share Posted July 19, 2012 There is a stage of love where thinking can be affected by endorphins and chemical release in the brain. I tend to think that there are evolutionary factors involved in that.Maybe this is a reminder of unmet needs? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frazzled1 Posted July 19, 2012 Author Report Share Posted July 19, 2012 I have to get it out whether it makes sense or not. Forgive me if I jump around.I live with an undiagnosed paranoid schizophrenic sociopath. If nothing else I am qualified to say that he is a chronic liar and drug addict. (sorry if I am repeating previously posted info). Everything he says is either prompt for a pity party, a pat on the back to himself for doing some mundane thing people do every day or some charming request to see his point of view. He has put me through hell but I somehow do not despise him for that.8 years of our 12 year relationship I faithfully endured a complete lack of affection on his part. He didn't push me away per se but he made himself unapproachable and I did not want to seem clingy or desperate. Then in April I broke. An opportunity presented itself, someone else wanted to be affectionate and I let IT happen.If that was not bad enough...25 years I have suffered a month out of every year with severe post traumatic headaches or manic episodes because of a relationship and after my fling, also in April, I opened that door again. I had messaged HIM (THE one) in a social network in March and he messaged me back. He asked for my phone number. I gave it. We talked. He said he loves me. I died. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted July 19, 2012 Report Share Posted July 19, 2012 Frazzled, is he the old flame that you went to visit some months ago? I'm sorry if I'm forgetting. Are you saying you can't get him out of your mind? I hope it helps to express yourself here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frazzled1 Posted July 19, 2012 Author Report Share Posted July 19, 2012 Now the problem with my logic is that somehow we (me and my former love), love each other deeply but our love for each other has somehow made it easier to stay where we were to begin with. Each in our own dysfunctional relationship. We have tried not talking but like with any addiction it makes us both physically ill. My former logic, the GOOD logic, the logic I want to hold on to dictates that it is improper for us to communicate at all because of these relationships.My present logic, the logic I am trying to fight or at least figure out says that I have stayed in this relationship because it serves as a place holder. Like it is better to be alone with someone who doesn't love you than to be alone without the one who does. And I get bad advice from the people who rely on me for advice partly because they don't know the whole story and partly because they see me light up when it is him on the phone or I get a message from him and when I saw him in May, my adviser was there when I saw him and their exact words were "I've never seen anyone so happy!" To me any advice is tainted by that fact. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frazzled1 Posted July 19, 2012 Author Report Share Posted July 19, 2012 MALIGN, I am not trying to remember being young and spirited. I am looking for the strength I had in my youth to close this chapter. This time without the book mark. I just can't convince myself that it is the right thing to do. I have held on for 25 years and maybe my contacting him was an attempt at closure maybe it was an attempt to get just what I got, confirmation of a heart that is still broken.I don't remember all the details of our break up. I remember the main event that led to it or perhaps this event was it...I had a miscarriage I was only 15 We were at his friend's house There was a lot of blood Fear Emotional confusion I heard him From the restroom I heard him tell his friend that I was never pregnant and wasn't having a miscarriage that I was just trying to get him to marry me I asked his friend's wife to take me home I told him I wouldn't marry him if he was the last man on Earth and walked out TRIGGER WARNING I remember carving his name in my shin with the tip of a knife I remember coming for the promise ring he gave me I vaguely remember seeing him one time about a year later and I was still angry I also remember intentionally looking for someone older than him (my first husband) and when that didn't work out I went even olderMy own logic has been compromised but in retrospect I feel like I chose doomed relationships from the start because I was not over the relationship with HIM and didn't want to be over it but didn't want HIM to know that I wasn't over it WELL NOW HE KNOWS!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frazzled1 Posted July 19, 2012 Author Report Share Posted July 19, 2012 IrmaJean I am not ignoring you I appreciate your help. Do you know how to unlove someone? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malign Posted July 19, 2012 Report Share Posted July 19, 2012 Frazz, the last thing I was aiming to do was make anything worse ... One of the difficulties of giving advice (which I do too often) is that it implies a lot of stuff about the advice-giver that just isn't true, like I know the solution or even exactly what the problem is. I don't and can't. I'm sorry if it seemed like I "knew" ...I would prefer to limit myself to support instead: I'm sorry that you're in this situation, torn between having and not having, loving and not loving, knowing and not knowing ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frazzled1 Posted July 19, 2012 Author Report Share Posted July 19, 2012 Malign, I think it was you who told me recently that growth is painful. I know this and when I said Thank you I meant it. I don't want this to bother me forever or cause any more damage than it already has. It's the painful part I'm struggling with. I read once that falling in love is like being on the edge of a high place with your heart telling you that you can fly and your mind screaming you're crazy. Trying to let go of love, then would be like deciding in mid-air that your mind was right and you should go back.Could somebody just tell me how to tell someone that you deeply feel love for that you do not love them? And how do you convince yourself? How do you just quit when you know that it is going to hurt them? Right or wrong and predestiny has little to do with appropriateness and morality. How do I fix this? What do I say? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frazzled1 Posted July 19, 2012 Author Report Share Posted July 19, 2012 I want to be angry but I can't feel through the pain and I don't want to take it out on anyone. No one is to blame. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frazzled1 Posted July 19, 2012 Author Report Share Posted July 19, 2012 I have a more serious question regarding psychological reasoning. It seems like magical thinking to me but I cannot trust myself just now so another opinion is needed.Is it possible that the reason that we chose to stay in our unhappy situations-apart is because the unhappy situations are a bit of a comfort zone? I mean looking from my perspective only... Our break up was devastating to me, as well as the miscarriage, I have had this lifetime trauma to deal with and though I very much want to be with him I am familiar with the stress and strain of the relationship I have been in, I know the power he has to hurt me (whether he would or not seems irrelevant). In other words this one has lost the ability to hurt me so I am safer here than to leave and risk being with one who very much has that ability. Some twisted "Stockholm Syndrome" type of thing? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted July 19, 2012 Report Share Posted July 19, 2012 It sounds as if you are describing the blissful and euphoric aspects of falling in love, though, and not as much the more durable deep, abiding love. Possibly your relationship never developed this far?Is it possible that the reason that we chose to stay in our unhappy situations-apart is because the unhappy situations are a bit of a comfort zone? I mean looking from my perspective only... Our break up was devastating to me' date=' as well as the miscarriage, I have had this lifetime trauma to deal with and though I very much want to be with him I am familiar with the stress and strain of the relationship I have been in, I know the power he has to hurt me (whether he would or not seems irrelevant). In other words this one has lost the ability to hurt me so I am safer here than to leave and risk being with one who very much has that ability.[/quote']I definitely think it's possible. It's true that being vulnerable with someone leaves you open to being hurt. On the flip side, it also opens up the possibility for love, joy, contentment., and deeper connection with yourself. Is the vulnerability frightening? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frazzled1 Posted July 19, 2012 Author Report Share Posted July 19, 2012 I should have just climbed the damn mountain. "Forrest Gump" after all, just took off running. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted July 19, 2012 Report Share Posted July 19, 2012 'Run, Forrest, run!" Maybe you should give yourself a break. Vulnerability can be frightening. I have always found something quite beautiful in it, though. Shared humanity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frazzled1 Posted July 19, 2012 Author Report Share Posted July 19, 2012 Thanks for making me laugh IrmaJean I needed that!I just don't know any other way to externalize than to physically DO something. As long as it doesn't hurt anyone. Maybe I should. Not to PROVE that I can or that I can try but to find out what IT truly is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted July 19, 2012 Report Share Posted July 19, 2012 ((((Frazzled)))) Your mind is energetic. I like that. I hope you find peace with this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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