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a need


benji
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I get to a point where hurting myself feels like it needs to happen. Like I want to tear my skin off and erase myself somehow. Maybe because I feel like I can't exist, but don't want to actually end everything. I just need to be gone. Everything about me feels wrong. So maybe it partly feels like I deserve it? It's somehow the only way I can reconcile how bad I feel that I am. Whatever it may be, it always ends up feeling like a need. Just wondering if anyone else feels that way, and if so, what they do about it. Nothing I've tried seems to help, and where I am today, it's going to happen again soon.

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I've tried holding ice cubes. It just doesn't work. When I get in that mood, I'm not able to talk to or contact anyone and only feel like hiding and hurting myself. Once I've done it enough, then I start to feel ok again. I guess it feels like I have to sufficiently punish myself. It feels like I have to pay for being so bad and wrong, and nothing will feel ok again until I do. I always do what I can not to get in that mood in the first place, but it often feels like a losing battle. Any attempts are only delaying it.

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I hope you can be patient and gentle with yourself. This is painful for you. :( Learning new coping skills will take some time. You can work with your therapist on this. Maybe you might create a distress plan with him as well? This will include steps to take when you are under duress.

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I can't shake the feeling that I'm somehow bad or even evil. I can't see positives, and if I try I only turn everything to a negative until it gets overwhelming. The best I can do is try not to think about anything.

I try to call friends or get out when I'm feeling this way, but it doesn't always work. I can call my therapists office if it comes to that, but I'm usually not able to when in that mood. I do see him again tomorrow though.

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I have felt that way many times, you feel a need to eat correct people feel a need to do drugs its like any addiction along with the others u simply distract yourself and dont do it. Like anorexia people feel the need to eat but they give themselves a larger reason not to. I learned how to stop by coming here and talking about things honestly with people who didnt know who I was and gave me honest answers.

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I went to my therapist appointment today. Still not doing well at all. He said I could make another appointment for Friday if I need to see him again before my appt next week. Also said I should go to the hospital if I feel unsafe, but I really don't want to deal with all of that. Right after the session I stopped by a store and got a new pocket knife. In fact, thinking about doing that was all that was able to calm me during the session, though I didn't tell him that. I haven't used it yet, but it's in my pocket.

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Why put the temptation in front of you? You make it so easy to do it when you feel like it if you purposefully buy a knife and keep it so close.

It feels comforting in some way. I like the weight of it in my hand, if that makes any sense. Haven't used it yet. Decided to go for a run instead, even though I'm very tired. Don't know what I feel now.

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Ben, can you contact your therapist and let him know that you have it?

Let's be honest: at the moment, you really aren't "safe". Sure, I know you don't mean to kill yourself, but on the other hand, you do mean to hurt yourself, at some point. You don't want to "deal with all that [hospital]", and maybe you don't need to, but one of the trickiest things about self-harm is all the secrecy. Does he know you hurt yourself sometimes? Can you at least e-mail him (or call), and let him know the thought that kept you calm through the session?

I know you feel bad (about something.) Can you verbalize what that something is? Talking about it is a different way to take control of the situation ...

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He knows I hurt myself sometimes. I don't always tell him because it makes me feel stupid admitting it iin front of him. I am feeling a little better today, so there's that. But I only got 3 hours of sleep last night and am shaky this morning. I'm going to call the med guy later today (like my therapist suggested I do) and make an appt with him to talk about adding/changing meds. I've been feeling like my brain doesn't work right lately.

I don't know what it is that I feel bad about. A lot of things. I feel like there is something wrong with me. I am somehow bad, and nothing I do will change that. All cptsd stuff I suppose. I don't even remember if there was a trigger. I've been feeling off since...Friday I think.

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And of course, even if there is a trigger, it's hard to see because it's a trigger.

I know this is difficult. There's a complex interplay between value judgments ("I'm bad", "there's something wrong with me") and the corresponding certainty that "nothing I do will change that". Generally, absolute statements (like this one) always deserve to be questioned. ;-)

Sometimes, it's worth turning all of this thinking outward: can you think of anyone else anywhere in the world that you think is so bad that they deserve what you do to yourself, and who's so completely beyond hope that they could never change? I'm gonna guess not; so, why is it so easy to believe about yourself?

Personally, I think it would be valuable to try to tell your therapist about this, but of course it's your life.

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It's easy to believe about myself because it is what my emotions tell me is true. It's simply how it feels. So what do you do when you can't trust your own feelings?

And I'll tell my therapist when I see him again next week. Unless I feel too ashamed about it at the time, which has been known to happen.

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Well, for starters, it's possible that those are more than just feelings.

Value judgments, in particular, tend to be thoughts. Feelings are simple, and there are only a few of them. For instance, you may feel sad, or angry, or hurt. After that, thought kicks in, and that's where it gets complicated.

Sometimes, we try to make the feelings less intense, for instance by thinking that the only reason we got hurt was because of that person over there, so let's get him. Or, we may decide that we feel sad because of something we did, or that we are. Generally, by the time there's a "because" in there, it's the product of thought.

And unfortunately, while you can trust your feelings if you can feel them in pure form, it's very possible to be misled by thoughts. We learn a lot of our thought patterns at a very young age, and it's very possible to learn stuff that doesn't work all that well at explaining things, even though it seems to (or used to). The great thing about this is that you can't change your feelings (which is one reason why you can always trust them, if you see what I mean), but you can change how you think about stuff. In fact, that's a big part of what therapy is for.

Take care of yourself, benji, okay?

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