Just joined today

[Bestcobra]

I just joined today and I don't exactly know what to say...I'm a 24 year old guy, I'm 5'4, about 195 pounds, I'm straight and I'm a virgin. I'm very depressed and probably the most I have been for the past 2 months(my ex broke up with me 2 months ago) Before I started dating her I was pretty much always depressed, I grew up with a drunk dad, have had oral sex with one of my guy cousins throughout most of my life(not while I was dating my ex, and now it does nothing more me so I've stopped) and I have an extremely small penis. I hate every single aspect of myself, I feel like there's no point in me talking to anyone cause I'm just depressing to be around and I hate making other people feel bad. I hate making people feel sorry for me so I don't even like people knowing I'm depressed at all but it's gotten to the point where I seriously just can't hide it anymore. I've had serious thought of killing myself and the only reason I haven't yet is because of my mom, and I could never do that to her cause I know she actually cares about me. I'm a disappointment to her, but she does care about me. I don't have any friends that I can talk to, and even if I would try to talk to anyone I would just feel horrible that they have to deal with me the way that I am and that I would be bothering them. I was talking to a girl online for a bit as friends but she said I have a negative effect on her because I'm so negative about myself...Even when I used to be depressed before meeting my ex I could hide that I was depressed and talk to people about themselves and not be so negative...I used to try to cheer people up and I always SEEMED positive. Now I can't even help but be negative...and I've tried making myself happy. It's a struggle right now just to wake up in the morning and do everyday things, and I don't have a job...I don't have a license(yea I know...a 24 year old not having a license is just pathetic, but I'm scared to drive...). I live in my grandmas house alone and I have for the past 2 years. I cry myself to sleep almost every night(yea I know...a 24 year old crying like that is prety pathetic too..) Before I even met my ex I cried myself to sleep almost every night, but I never let anyone know cause my dad would have just called me a pussy, same with my brother...I don't know how to cope with being me anymore, and I don't have the money to go to any psychiatrist or anything like that. I've been trying to work out and I've been eating better cause I figured losing weight will make me feel better about myself. But tonight is the most depressed I've been in a while...I've been sitting here constantly crying for probably the last 3 hours and I can't stop. I don't know what to do with myself anymore...And sorry if that was too much to post here...

[LaLa]

Hello, Bestcobra, welcome!

It's not "too much" to post, really - don't worry about that! I'm glad you came here and told us about your problems. I'm sorry for the rather late reply ...

You say you don't have money for a treatment, but as far as I know, in the US, there are also possibilities to get free help, even therapy. I'm not from the US, but I'm sure you can google it or somebody here could help you to find some resources...

Getting professional help would be ideal, as it seems you're depressed, without a supporting family or friends...

I hope you'll find some useful and comforting support here, at least for the beginning...

BTW, I don't have a driving license (neither my husband) and I'm 30 . I don't want it and one of my reasons is that I'm also scared to drive. It's OK and I wouldn't call it pathetic . Much better than drive and cause an accident, isn't it?!

It's also sad that the society "in general" has many stupid expectations and "rules", as that "men shouldn't cry". You cry because you're in distress and despair and you need compassion and support, not name-calling and ignorance . I'm sorry your family can't see this...

I'll write more sometimes lately...

Take care and keep posting!

L.

[NormKeegel]

I'm glad you didn't let depression stop you posting here. Sometimes just writing down how you feel is helpful. even better if you can talk to somebody. Did you and your ex talk a lot?

Do you know that some depressed people are helped by medication? Are you able to get to a doctor to explore that?

I agree with LaLa3 that it would be helpful for you to see a counselor. Have you tried to find one?

Writing here has already identified that something that you were putting yourself down for is shared by at least two other people - not having learned to drive. Let me share a couple of things with you. I was a virgin until my wedding night, when i was 28. I'm 73 now, and I still can't ride a bicycle.

Can you think of some things you're good at? If you really can't, ask people you know. Your ex must have liked some things about you, or she would not have become your girlfriend.

Hang in there!

[Bestcobra]

Sorry it's been so long since I've posted here...I started trying to get my life together more and just haven't really been on here much.

But yes me and my ex always talked a lot, she would call me every morning as soon as she woke up and every night before going to bed, and when she had class she would call me after she got out. If she wasn't in class then we was normally texting back and forth, with a 20 min gap being big. And that's one that that made me not understand at all when she broke up with me cause we always talked about what was going on and she always told me how she felt, then one day it was like she just instantly lost every feeling for me she had and never gave me a reason. To go along with me feeling horrible at that point after saying she still wanted to be friends she started ignoring me just cause I got emotional and said a few things I didn't mean. None of it was really mean but I apologized and she didn't seem to care and she started ignoring me. And after talking that much to someone and just instantly not talking to them at all anymore was horrible and I really didn't know how to cope with it.

And no I've never looked for a doctor to try to get meds, I don't honestly want to be on any sort of meds but if it would actually help me I guess why not try it but I don't really have money to pay for anything like that and I don't have insurance.

As for seeing a counselor I really don't want to do that either, for one it's just one person that honestly probably doesn't know what I've dealt with when I try to explain everything I've been through(not just my ex, sure breaking up with her is bad but I mean throughout my whole life). Plus I'd rather talk to people online and not have to be face to face. AND at this point the only way I could get anywhere would be to have my mom drive me there and I don't want my mom to know I need counseling. She would tell me dad and my brother and they'll look down on me even more than they already do, no it's not right of them to be that way but they're still family and I don't want them to be more disappointed in me than they already are.

Honestly I don't know anything I'm good at other than listening to people, and I don't really have anyone to ask other than my family and I don't really talk to them much other than my mom. I have "friends" I guess you can say but none of them really know me, it's not the sort of people that actually want to know everything about me, I would just be annoying them if I tried to talk about anything like that. And as far as my ex goes I think she just liked that I loved her cause before me she was never treated good but I guess that's not the only thing that mattered to her, I loved her as a person and she just loved being loved apparently. When I would get down on myself she would never really say things she liked about me, and I think I only really asked her like twice while we was together to tell me some things she liked about me and it seemed hard for her to really name things she liked. When I could instantly spout out a whole dictionary of things I loved about her.

I've been trying to lose weight, been trying to drive more so I can get my license, have been going to church every week now cause I actually want to and not cause I feel like I should and i started taking guitar lessons. I've been doing alright recently but today and yesterday I just sorta got really down on myself and I'm not even sure why. I'm not losing weight as fast as I like and I stupidly started eating worse stuff for the last few days and gained some of the weight back.

I guess I just really don't have anyone to talk to about anything other than my mom at this point and I can't talk about most things I want to with her. It's hard going from talking to someone every day about every little thing to just not having anyone at all to talk to. All I really talk to my mom about is tv shows we watch together and different little things.

I've been trying to just make myself happy without needing anyone else but it's pretty hard considering all I truly want is someone that'll stay by my side. I mean I've never even had a friend that after a few years didn't start doing their own thing and stop talking to me all together. So I just sort of expect whoever is in my life to be gone at some point and don't put much trust in them being around. Besides it's not like I can just go instantly find someone that will fall in love with me, hell getting a compliment from someone would make me happy for the next month or two. Instead i get called ugly and laughed at by random people sometimes when I go to the movies(this has happened more times than I would honestly like to recall). I know I don't look great but...I mean that's just downright cruel regardless of how someone looks, and at this point that's about the only kind of things I can think about. And that maybe I actually run people away from me with my personality, which I didn't think was so bad...but I truly don't know.

Sorry the post is so long, I'll try to write on here more often and no type as much.

[LaLa]

Hello,

nice to hear from you again . (Don't worry about the lenght of the text .)

We all need "someone to talk to" and... not just the mom , although it's great that you have such a good relationship with her. I hope you'll find a close friend... In the meantime, you can "talk" to us here. And as you say you're good in listening, you might also try to "listen" and talk to others here, support them, ...

People who laugh at somebody and call him ugly are just ignorants and bullies without empathy. Their opinion does not matter! I know it's unpleasant (people used to laugh at me when I was a teenager...), but I also know it's possible to have the right attitude towards it so that you don't become hurt: You have no reason to care about what THEY think. By their behaviour, they show their bad character and it's not your aim to be liked by people with such a character.

Do you have a formal plan (= proposed by professionals) for your weight lose? It's better to follow a rational plan, so that you eat everything that is important in the right quantities (vitamines, minerals, proteins, unsaturated fats, ...), because if you just try to eat "less", your body may miss some important nutirents, so it causes cravings to you and you start eating just "anything" and gain weight again. Of course, physical exercice can help a lot, too - I know you know it ...

Take care!

[NormKeegel]

You said "Honestly I don't know anything I'm good at other than listening to people".

Do you realise how rare it is to find a good listener? I think that some people pay a lot of money to see a psychiatrist in order to find somebody who will really listen to them without rushing to give advice or talk about themselves.

Perhaps you could practice listening a little more. I'm sure you would be very popular!

[Bestcobra]

Well I actually like listening to other peoples problems even if I don't give an opinion on what I think. But when I try to tell others what's going on with me or what I think I just feel bad for putting all of it on them. And as far as having "friends" to talk to the only ones I really feel like I can talk to are online. And even those don't really want to listen to what I want to say and the only thing anyone keeps saying is to "Make myself happy" I've been trying that and it isn't just that easy. I don't have a best friend like most people do that they can talk to about anything, my best friend was my ex so since I haven't had her to talk to I just have to deal with how I feel and not really talk about anything.

And as for listening to people and giving my opinions, I don't really feel like people would want my opinions or that I would be giving them bad advice. I'd be more than glad to listen to anyone that wants to talk to me and I actually thought about being a psychiatrist or something but I refuse to go to school for longer, every day activities are hard enough for me right now there's no way I could have school work on my mind all the time that I don't know how to do. Anytime I used to give my ex an opinion she just shot it down so I got used to just not giving my opinion to people as she always just told me I was wrong, even when I KNEW I was right about something she would argue and get mad about it until she proved herself wrong then she would act like it didn't matter. So I just stopped trying even when I knew I was right about something.

And as for losing weight no I don't really have any plan like that or anything for a while I was just trying to eat better and exercise. But for whatever reason I stopped trying to eat better for the last week or so and stopped exercising completely.

Another problem is I seriously need a job to have money just to pay my bills or pretty soon I'm not gunna be able to live here anymore. I don't have friends that would let me stay with them if I have to move out, and I would feel horrible about having to move back in with my mom and dad. Not to mention that they would both make me feel horrible unless I have a job. And I'm not in the state of mind that I could work somewhere right now not including that I don't have a license yet. And if I can't live here anymore, that also means I have no more internet which means I have NOBODY to talk to. And I have to have someone to talk to at some point every day or I'll get way too depressed. So I seriously don't know what to do at this point and it's just stressing me out more.

[LaLa]

Just some thoughts:

Well, you could "make yourself happy" for some short moments (thanks to some pleasant activities), but even though that's something good and quite important, it's not really "the kind of happiness you're seeking / talking about here"... But you can also work at "making yourself happy" on a longer-time perspective, which includes finding a job, exercising, eating well, ... - and there's really nobody who could do this for you, instead of you . But of course, support of friends can help with it and "talking to somebody" is necessary for living and succeeding in general; some of us need it even more...

What are you doing for finding a job? What are the opportunities for you? Is it possible that you didn't yet realize/notice some of them? (I suppose that it's probable... ) Could you, for instance, get more/another education which would be more useful?

Living with parents has it flaws, of course, but it might be a temporary solution. If they don't have internet access, you might pay it for them - from a temporary income - I hope it's possible to find at least something where the salary is not high, but it's "at least something"...

[Bestcobra]

See that's my problem, it's not that I CAN'T find job, I'm sure I could get a job doing something. The problem is that I'm not in the state of mind that I could be in a work environment every day and hold up. And as for long-term happyness right now I'm just trying to get better with my music so I can write my own songs and possibly make a living in the future that way. I surely have enough emotion I can put into songs...and I know how to play guitar and I'm getting better at it so I KNOW I can write my own good songs in the future. But that could be years from now, and I can't live here for years without a job. Also if I move in with my parents, that means I can't play my music whenever I want, and I can't make any noise at all at night and would basically just have to sleep at night. I only get 3 hours of sleep a night on normal so that's a problem...

I'm gunna start eating right again and exercising again starting tomorrow I've already decided this. But my main focus is my music and getting my license. Even though I don't care so much about going out, I used to spend most of my time playing games online and now I honestly don't even want to. So I figure if I get my license maybe I can at least meet girls when I'm alone and actually talk to them or something, regardless of if they actually date me or not. Speaking of girls I told the one I went on a couple dates with that we won't be dating anymore, not in a mean way or anything of course I just told her I really didn't feel a connection between us and that I didn't want to lead her on. Wow, so after that she just told me that she was dating someone else anyway and that she was messing around with him and she wasn't sure about it but now she is...That's just lovely. Makes me really glad I didn't decide to kiss her

And I couldn't go back to school for anything right now, my brain couldn't handle it with all my emotions that are going on right now. And school work helps some people get through stuff like that but not me, it's horrible for me and just puts me under way too much stress. Anyway after just getting that message I can't type anymore for the moment, gunna either go lay in the bed and cry for a bit considering I was gunna be getting cheated on before even dating someone or I'll pick upt the guitar a bit. Probably the latter. Thanks for being here for me though it helps me a lot, more than I could express on here.