Living with Bi Polar Husband Support needed

[BGracin]

I'm new to this group. I am in need of support and I truly do not know where to turn.

I wrote the letter Trying to Save 37 years of marriage.

My husband was recently diagnosed bi polar type 2. Unfortunately for me, his mania is concentrated on me; accusing me of infidelity more than thirty years ago. I have never been unfaithful to my husband, I love him dearly, but his accusations are driving me to the point of exhaustion and my own depression. Little sleep, constant attacks, and no loving contact.

He is now having therapy but insists it does not help him and he does not need it; that it is only my "unfaithfulness" that has made him act the way he is acting.

I've questioned his therapist as to why I haven't been included; why I haven't received some type of support or peer counseling to help me understand this illness and what I can do to help, but so far, I haven't been included and I'm actually at a loss to understand what to do, or where to turn. Our income will not allow me a therapist of my own.

would love to hear from other spouses or partners.

Thank you

[IrmaJean]

Welcome to the community, BGracin.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It must be very difficult and painful for you.

He is now having therapy but insists it does not help him and he does not need it; that it is only my "unfaithfulness" that has made him act the way he is acting.

This must be very hard for you to listen to. You don't control his actions and behaviors. I hope you are able to remember that his actions reflect on him and his illness and aren't about you.

I've questioned his therapist as to why I haven't been included; why I haven't received some type of support or peer counseling to help me understand this illness and what I can do to help, but so far, I haven't been included and I'm actually at a loss to understand what to do, or where to turn. Our income will not allow me a therapist of my own.

I agree that you need support in this. It's always unfortunate when money gets in the way of one's emotional health and well-being. Maybe there are local programs that would fit your needs? I'm not sure who you might contact about this, though. Maybe your husband's therapist could offer suggestions? I think that having more information about what your husband is facing and having support for yourself right now is so very important for both of you. Do you at least have friends or family who you can confide in about this?

Take gentle care.

[NormKeegel]

So sorry to hear about your agony. I joined this group a couple of days ago. I was diagnosed with bipolar about 17 years ago.

Kudos to you for hanging in there when most wives would have fled. Perhaps you are focusing on what's good in the relationship. :-) I bet it has not been all rosy, even before his diagnosis. many of us are not diagnosed for many years after the symptoms begin to show. What's it like for you when he is depressed?

You can get more info about bipolar in general

- from this list

- Googling "bipolar disorder" and letting your intuition guide you to the most helpful links

- reading books from your library (browse catalog or ask reference librarian) or bookstore

- if you live in the U.S. go to the web site (or look up phone number) for National Association for the Mentally Ill. They run classes in many places for family of those with bipolar etc. to help them understand the behavior of their loved ones.

Search for somebody to whom you can talk about your personal circumstances. Is there a Community Center, Neighborhood House or anything like that near you? Is there a marriage counseling service? Is there a support group (which may not be related with mental illness at all)? What about a close friend who is willing to listen to you without judging you or him and without rushing in to give advice. As others here have suggested, you need support to deal with this. please look for it. While you are looking for face to face support, write here about the details of what's happening and you will get some support.

Most individual counselors will not see their spouses on a regular basis. Ask if you can go once with him.

I hope you're not put off by all my questions. If you try to answer them you may get some help.

[BGracin]

Thank you to both of you.

Yes; there is something worth saving in my marriage. I have been married to him nearly my entire life. We have beautiful children and grandchildren. Also yes to once I realized the diagnosis; I also realized that I had seen symptoms for a very long time; I just chalked it up to mood swings; life; other factors. I've had about six bad days in a row right now, including this morning. My children seem to think there is no saving us because he just refuses to acknowledge that although two therapists have diagnosed him; he is ill. It is all about "me" and what i did to him. It is absolutely agonizing for me to sit through his accusations; and I admit I've not responded very well. He threatens me that he will no longer go to therapy. He tells me if i take a polygraph and it shows me innocent this is all over. He sits; he cries; he paces; he yells; he sleeps and I"m caught in that cycle. It might be correct to note that his sister has been diagnosed bi polar and in fact is in state care in another state; his brother has severe depression as well. To be honest, I'm fighting depression myself right now because i lay in bed at night and just cry asking myself if this is how i will have to spend the rest of my life. I told him I am sticking by him, that there's nothing he can do to chase me away; that my vows said in sickness and in health, and I strongly believe that; but I'm also dealing with health issues that are weighing heavily on my mind as well, and to be strong for him is taking all that I have and then some. I really need the right words to soothe him. I read about triggers, but honestly I don't do anything to have him start on me. I truly just don't know what to do and I'm really grieving because I feel like i've lost my best friend and honestly, my lover.

So sad.

Thank you

[NormKeegel]

BGracin, unless you're willing to tell me the answers to some of my questions (or why they don't apply to you), I don't think I can be helpful to you.

[LaLa]

Hi, BGracin,

I'm sorry you're in this complicated and distressful situation ... I don't have any experience related to bipolar or to living with somebody mentally ill, so I didn't reply to you. But now I have a question, in addition to those of Norm K.:

Wouldn't it be possible to get your husband hospitalized for some time, until he get's better and doesn't repersent such a - sorry for that word, but I think it's appropriate - burden to you? I see you love him and want to do "anything" for him, but it shouldn't be at the expense of your own mental health . Isn't it always better when one person is ill than when two people are ill? As you see, you can't help him - and it's really not your role; bipolar can't be cured by a spouse... You want to help and support him, but he refuses you, so... I see it only as a Sisyphus's work .

I know it's hard to get "sate care" for somebody with bipolar, but you mentioned that his sister is in that care, so you might find out how that proseeded and...

What do you think?

Most importantly, try to find a right help for yourself; Norm mentioned the "National Association for the Mentally Ill" - that sounds good, doesn't it?

Take care!

[IrmaJean]

I know sometimes for me the best help comes from someone simply listening and offering acceptance and support. I hope it does help you to express yourself here, BGracin. I'm so sorry for your pain and distress. I hope you are able to take some time to yourself to recharge and replenish. Are you able to get out and do something just for you? I'm not sure what you might enjoy. A walk in the park? Exercise? Lunch with a friend? I hope you can take care of your needs. I understand that it can be hard, but meeting your needs will help you to be stronger for both of you. It's okay to do that.

Take gentle care.

[MedinaDad]

BGracin,

I pray that you seek out the support that you need. As a diagnosed bi-polar for 12 years, I can tell you that I wish for nothing more than to stop emotionally hurting my wife. I wish she could understand that it is me and not her. I wish that she knew how desparately I wanted to fix things with her and well as with myself. Find a professional who can help you understand that it is not you. If you love your husband and want to stay with him, I think that this is the only course of action for you. My thoughts, but what do I know, I'm crazy.............