Betrayal

[devils daughter]

So what do you do when it becomes unavoidably clear that in her final arrangements your mother betrayed you, discounted you, just as you had never counted to her in your first years on earth either?

Husband dead, children grown and/or estranged, sister estranged, father dead. When my husband died and the personality/defenses/whatever structure crumbled and I was a nervous wreck, then I was no longer an asset to anybody, certainly not deserving of respect or care.

My people are gone, I might as well be annihilated myself. It feels like annihilation. Why bother? The physical body keeps on even when the mind is disintegrating. The nerves in my body upload that memory into consciousness. I’ve been through this before. There’s no need to panic. When the mind is dead, then it’s dead. The body will die in its own time, too. Perhaps the mind will revive, we’ll see.

[JaiJai]

What do you do? You hold onto resentment and use as much energy as you can to feel bitter and mistreated.

=/

what can u do? u cant change her. thats shitty...but why give it the power to knock u down...again?

(warning...i'm infamous for offering my unsolicited opinion, which is characteristically over-simplified and presented in a manner that may be interpreted as advice that is common sense, even though i'm likely unable to put my own words into action for my own circumstances- viewer discretion is advised)

You know you are of able mind and body - why not find an organisation to contribute your time and abilities to? Find a purpose that keeps your mind and body active, that makes you an asset to people who need you. Create your own people. You offer so much compassion to others online, how can you bring all these qualities to benefit your community? There are many kinds of families, and certainly many people who could use some extra care and respect...i've heard if its offered, its also often returned.

=)

[devils daughter]

Thanks for your perspective. I wasn’t aware of feeling resentment – although I can see it is there.

It’s safer to offer understanding and compassion online – the risk of rejections is less. So I guess maybe it’s more fear than resentment that’s keeping the love locked inside? I felt challenged by the little girl just taking what’s in her heart, it looks like, and sending it outward. And at my time in life I don’t know that I need any more returned to me – just getting my love out there is the challenge.

For a long while I was afraid of unresolved unkindness which I feared might sneak out, but now that I can feel the hurt, it doesn’t go automatically to something which could potentially hurt somebody else. So maybe I’m free to try giving out the love! Certainly a different point of view to try.

Many thanks for the feedback and video!

[IrmaJean]

How do you feel about yourself when you are being compassionate and understanding, DD? You might be surprised to find that when you do get the love out, you'll receive it right back...as a gift to yourself.

So maybe I’m free to try giving out the love!

Take gentle care, DD.

[devils daughter]

You might be surprised to find that when you do get the love out, you'll receive it right back...as a gift to yourself.

Thanks, IJ, but it doesn’t work for me that way. I’m not sure why. For me, now, I need to value the love (with its natural direction outward) for itself, as an impulse and feeling, not as something I want or need for myself.

One possible reason why: when that natural, outward feeling of love is not reciprocated to an infant, then that frustrates the infant’s normal expectation – which is what the girl in the video expressed, that you’ll get it back. The frustration of that normal expectation results in negative reinforcements and defense mechanisms that surround the basic loving impulse itself. So for me, right now, the sense of loving – directed outward – has to be its own reward. Maybe that’s kind of what you meant, just in other words? But as long as I had the defense mechanisms in place it didn’t do much good to have conscious motives to express love. It ended up feeling kind of fake, no matter how “good” the intentions or outcome.

Which kind of relates to what I said earlier, that it feels safe to try to express compassion here, because if what I write is rejected, then it doesn't feel so connected to a personal rejection of me.

I think this site may be a real innovation, for that reason as well as others.

[Endlessnight]

So I guess maybe it’s more fear than resentment that’s keeping the love locked inside?

DD it's so hard to let the love inside out when you know that it will be used to cause you pain. It is fear and it is resentment - those are our defences.

For a long while I was afraid of unresolved unkindness which I feared might sneak out, but now that I can feel the hurt, it doesn’t go automatically to something which could potentially hurt somebody else.

At one time in my life I struck out at everyone around me, it was the only way to prevent my going insane, so I admire that you have not gone down that road. Now that I can 'feel the hurt' as you said, I don't want to hurt anybody. It's 'getting the love out there' that is the challenge now, but I hope that little by little we can both achieve that. I know that the love you have shown me has been felt and appreciated.

[IrmaJean]

So for me, right now, the sense of loving – directed outward – has to be its own reward. Maybe that’s kind of what you meant, just in other words?

Yes, that is what I meant, though I imagine our experiences are different.

When I support others here on the site, I often connect with the loving parts of myself. I feel this wonderful energy within...my loving self...giving, kind, compassionate, patient, gentle. It feels like a positive energy that I wish to share with others. I feel all lit up. Of course it feels very good when others receive my care and are comforted by it, but the love itself...my love... and my capacity to love is often its own reward, yes. So I feel that I receive my own love as I am offering it to others. I hope that makes some kind of sense.

Take care, DD.

[devils daughter]

What is – or has been – different for me is that it wasn’t just the love energy – it was me looking on me being loving and then approving of that, so getting a “hit” of narcissistic approval, which then I would despise and kick myself for because that meant the love wasn't real. (I'm not sure that logic is valid but that is what I've used.) What's different now is that the overseer isn't so all-pervasive.

[IrmaJean]

One thing I worked on in therapy and successfully changed was being able to accept having good feelings about being loving. My mom was self-sacrificing and so I learned that you do for others in a sacrificing way. I used to immediately feel bad about myself the moment I'd feel good for being kind. It was distorted in my mind, but that is different now. Now I am able to freely celebrate myself and know it is okay to feel good about myself. Kind of cool really.

Why is it that having good feelings for being loving makes it seem unreal for you?

I appreciate you sharing yourself here. I enjoy the depth of your posts. They make me think. It's always interesting to see how things work for others and differences can be a beautiful thing. If I am able to connect with something new, it creates an opportunity for more learning and enlightenment. Thank you. I hope we can learn from one another.

Have a wonderful evening.

[devils daughter]

Thanks, IJ.

In my family, it seemed like the “universal definition” of being a woman was to be loving and a good hostess. But the focus was on the “being” that way, not on the people being cared for. Even though it was ostensibly all about others and being unselfish. The way I learned to do it, to “be” that way, was to play the role. And, yes, there was a sense of self-sacrifice in it, because people were sacrificing themselves for the sake of this role, which had probably developed way back when as a necessity for survival in a harsh social environment. Yet that was how they/we got their self-esteem, too, by other people seeing them as being good at that role.

This was my grandmother’s pattern and none of her 4 daughters – or I – was expected to have a different perspective. If/when we did, it was “wrong”. The perspective we had was wrong (i.e., not my grandmother’s) and we were “wrong” to have it. And if you asked my mother or one of my aunts if they agree with what I have just written, they would say (or would have said, when we were all younger), “Oh, [name], you’re making a mountain out of a molehill! Of course you can have your own opinions.”

Also, for me – both information about the world and love for and from other people are important, but for my feeling of safety in the world, getting information is the priority. My temperament is just wired that way, I think. As I’ve said, I liked science and math in school and my Myers-Briggs is INTJ. It’s like a value judgment on the part of my wiring, I think, not a conscious value judgment. But many women, not just the women in my family, tend to value love and relationships more than information and hence see something “wrong” with me if that’s not the way I am, too. That adds to my self-consciousness when I actually DO love someone, because the way I am and feel like expressing love for people is different from the female norm or ideal.

Does that make sense?

[IrmaJean]

It makes perfect sense. It's great that you know who you are and how things work for you.