sex education

[finding my way]

Just asking, is this the only group in your area? Maybe a different one would be better?

Also, has your therapist been able to begin parts work with you yet?

It's probably tough for you to remember the down side to the sex addiction when things are so in limbo and nothing really has occured to replace it...

Is this helpful: how are you doing with managing anxiety and ups and downs-- is more of you "there" or do you still feel a lot of "tuning out?"

That's the part that is worth getting care for.

Thanks for checking in, Jai.

[devils daughter]

Sorry the 12-step meeting was a bummer. Is there a chance you can still try the others?

Theory and to some extent therapy has grown by leaps and bounds in the last 10 years. It sounds like you have a good guy, so I would guess there is a guarantee if you yourself make the guarantee, the commitment. And even if he stops being helpful, you can find somebody else. I understand the cost-benefit analysis, too, though. When a psychiatrist I saw for depression (meds) about 25 years ago recommended long-term therapy, I declined. I wasn’t aware of large areas of my life where I wasn’t functioning well. Maybe I was scared to find out, too. But then 2 or 3 years later I became enraged at a therapist I was seeing mostly for parenting issues, and I knew there was a problem. However it’s still taken more than 20 years for me to find help which has been effective.

I very much doubt it needs to be that long for you. There’s just been too much progress in recent years. Some hasn’t made it down to the practitioners yet but if you have some time and like science – well, since I wasn’t doing very well with the designated experts I decided to educate my own intellect, as much as possible, to advocate on behalf of my dysfunctional emotional/social self when I was in therapy. I especially like research that includes brain studies. That way you know there's some biology, something specific and not just your own ideas or a theorist's (although I am very thankful for some observers and theorists).

[JaiJai]

.sometimes even writing here seems like too much effort.

sorry for griping so much. i hope you guys are doing alright. talk to u later.

[malign]

I won't tell you how long it took me to let go of my filters, in therapy ... My therapist reminded me of our early days (long story, but this was in 2000, before my marriage), when I would come to the session just to read her the stories I wrote back in high school, and I wouldn't let her have a conversation with me at all.

One thing I thought I would point out is that even though that means I've known my therapist for twelve years, we weren't working continuously. My ex convinced me to stop going throughout the marriage (talk about your red flags ...) I had my first attempt at therapy at 18, and started my first successful therapy (where there was measurable progress) at around 24. If you look at it in an all-or-nothing way, as "I have a problem and I want to make it stop", then it might seem like failure to need therapy more than once. But if you look at it as "Life throws problems at us throughout our lifetimes, and I want help with the ones that overwhelm me", it makes sense to find a way to get that help.

So, I agree that your therapist could be super-terrific, and it still wouldn't mean that you can change. The thing that determines whether you can change or not is the fact that you're human. We can't prevent change, even. The tough thing is to control the change, to make it be the change we want. But I do believe that's possible, with your will and appropriate help. Well, and maybe, sufficient time.

I'd gripe too, if I was in as much pain as you are, Jaime. Consider that my vote for "it's okay, it's normal".

[JaiJai]

Im actually impressed, mark.

[malign]

I did have a positive role model, my mother, who was in therapy, back before it was cool. She was depressed, so it was the right thing to do, for her.

So, both were positive: she dared, and it helped.

My brother used to try to break down my door, usually because I was hiding behind it to avoid responsibility for something bratty I had done to him. He was younger; I was smaller. So I relied on agility and speed (and my bedroom door) to maintain my "older brother" position. Okay, not everything I did as a child was what you'd call nice ...

But you don't need to defend resistance to me; as I said, mine was pretty determined, too.

And the ex was also convinced she could control what I talked about in therapy. That part turned out to be the easiest to fix, in the long run.

For me at least, being disowned (by her) was far better than the time I spent being owned.

[IrmaJean]

Jai, that sounds distressful for you to have experienced as a child. I can understand how you would make negative associations. Resistance is pretty common, I would imagine, for anyone to experience in therapy. Some may be resistant in more unconscious ways. With the right therapist, everything about you offers information and can be something to learn from.

It's good to hear from you. I hope you are feeling okay. Take care.

[devils daughter]

What I didn’t know – and what therapists either didn’t know or didn’t know how to help -- was the enormous pain that I did not feel.

On that front, you’re way ahead. And you’ve been doing some very painful and difficult “work” here, too, is what it looks like to me. So, why not call it 10 years in?

I did not know how I could change or how to direct the change. That’s part of the problem with a personality disorder – the sense of self that directs your life is kind of messed up. Over the last few years, I felt hard feelings and emotionally “worked” accept them and include them as part of me. I believed intellectually that experiencing the sometimes excruciating pain was what was needed. And sometimes when I did that it was like the ground under my feet and the landscape that I looked out on, got distorted, shifted, and changed. About all “I” did was to take myself to therapy, to support group, and to hang on as best I could when the pain (thankfully) arrived. I say “thankfully” because I couldn’t elicit myself. It’s more that the pain changed me than that I changed.

I’m not suggesting or even suspecting that you have a personality disorder, but you’ve got some difficult and painful stuff so I just wanted to put that perspective out there on the question of change.

Continued wishes for good luck. Maybe it’s about how much pain you can integrate and how quickly you can do it, more than how long it takes? An optimistic thought, maybe. Don’t want you to get discouraged. You’re doing good.

[finding my way]

My parents were very against my seeing a therapist. I was going and had started to see some hope, and they had a strong reaction against my direction. It put me in such an impossible situation.

These kinds of strains in relationships that are supposed to be supportive can be so very very confusing.

I agree with DD: you are doing good, Jai, being able to talk about these things now, and see your own perspective(s). Eventually we are freer to choose in situations that come along when we have some of these knots from the past untangled...

[JaiJai]

Thanks for your thoughts you guys. I hope you're right about therapy.

[finding my way]

I love nature, but I also love art. With a little energy, one can seek out things happening in the community that may be worthwhile. We had a free poetry reading by the nation's Poet Laureate recently... he read this one very well: http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/what-work-is/ What a character he is in person!

I know how grateful I am when I get a bit of perspective on my issues... so glad that is happening for you, Jai. I know it isn't easy, but you are doing the work.

[IrmaJean]

Jai, it's good to hear from you. You've made progress and that is great. I hope you keep walking on the healing path.

I also love nature. My latest hobby seems to be dog walking in nature. The exercise feels great. The time outside in nature feels peaceful. The time with my daughter is connective. I also enjoy reading and writing poetry and short stories, though it's been a while since I've written anything.

[ShortbusNinja]

I play video games for a hobby right now... I don't get out much except on the weekends which I spend with my son. He is 6 and pretty much my life. I don't get to see him during the week due to work and school.

[JaiJai]

I feel like im just kidding myself.

[finding my way]

What happened in therapy, Jai?

There are tons of reasons why this is difficult...

[IrmaJean]

I'm sorry you're feeling upset, Jai.

Did something happen in the session? There's no way to really know what the therapist is thinking.

why cant i let down my guard just a little?

It isn't easy for any of us to show vulnerability. It's risky and maybe it feels too soon to trust. What do you think?

i wish i could just get fucked and lose myself.......

The temporary escape hurts afterward, though, doesn't it? I hope you won't be lost to you.

Hang in there, Jai.

[JaiJai]

i dunno what happenned. nothing really.. he asked me questions and i tried to answer them.

[IrmaJean]

i fuck around with people cus no one wants to be with me. im a ditch-pig whore, and thats the only way anyone is interested.

history prooves it over and over.

Jai, you just wrote above that you haven't allowed yourself to be open and vulnerable with anyone. If that's the case, no one has had the chance to know you on a deeper level. How do you know they wouldn't be interested? You're very intelligent, witty, and funny. Those are attractive traits.

The cool thing about therapy is that it's a relationship. He may have felt frustrated, he may not. There is no way to really know. He didn't schedule an appointment and you're trying to read what that meant. It sounds as though there is some confusion and you need to communicate with him about it. Why not use his contact and tell him you'd like another appointment?

[finding my way]

Sounds like all you've got to do is make another appointment. When he made the appointment for you he was taking over some of your initiative.

This stuff that gets churned up is valuable to talk about with him, for your sake more than for his, though it will be good for both of you in the relationship. This is the very same stuff that would come up in a relationship with another person, so it's a good thing that it comes up here, so you can work on it, get some perspective on it, get some more choices in it.

[JaiJai]

well, thank you for the advice.

[IrmaJean]

No, you aren't being stupid, Jai. I think your therapist might be sending out some confusing signals. I was suggesting that you call to be certain you didn't misunderstand him. That is always up to you.

I hope you're okay.

[finding my way]

Hope you don't think I was thinking you were stupid. The problem with typed words...

This emotional content and the thinking that comes with it is important to work through. It is happening for a reason---not the reasons you're judging yourself for, and if you can, talk it out with him.

I don't think you're stupid and I don't think you are wasting your time. I think you are in the middle of tough work, and you are still sticking with it. It's tough building new neuro pathways!

[malign]

You're not being stupid; you're being vulnerable.

We're all vulnerable in this way, that we don't know for sure what other people think or feel about us.

There may be ways we can manipulate it so that we believe we know what they're thinking (and promiscuity is one of those ways.)

But the only way to know something more than a wild-ass guess is to ask the person.

Then you have to decide whether you trust the answer. ;-)

Please don't give up, Jai. If we were meant to know anything for sure, it would have been printed in the user's manual.

[JaiJai]

ahwell...gotta get back to work.

see ya's.

[IrmaJean]

Hi, Jai.

i wasnt able to be open and completely honest anyways. maybe i never will be able.

Maybe. Maybe not too. Change isn't easy and even positive change can feel uncomfortable in its unfamiliarity.

I can see how therapy might not work for everyone. I hope your mind is still open to it, though. It's good that you are still trying.

I'm curious, how do you feel about others' vulnerabilities?