A 20-year old guy who feels on the Brink of Suicide...Help...

[FrenzyFire]

and yea don't hold back because also I need to know if I'm going to do something really stupid....so if people read this and think it's extremely weird please tell me for my own good if anything...

[Ralph]

I'd say that seeing her daily for a couple summers could count as having enough of a background. If she saw you at the grocery store, would she say hi? Would you? If so then it would be more understandable to send a letter like that than it would be if she wouldn't recognize you in an unstructured setting. Another thing I'd consider is have you talked about yourself with her before? If not then I still think there's a bit much on the personal info in the letter to C's mom, but that could just be me.

I don't think the letters by themselves are extremely weird, but it also wouldn't be weird to write the letters and not send them. In fact this is a fairly common way to get closure after a relationship has ended. Please take this as just some options to consider and not advice. I don't know and cannot know from an online forum enough of the relevant information to make a recommendation. All I can do is suggest some things that I would consider if I were in your shoes, but not being you I can't really say what's best for you.

[LaLa]

F., when Ralph mentioned that the letter for the mother is too personal, then I realized that writing a more formal letter for her would be better also in my opinion. You know; it's hard for me to "predict" something, because I mostly see myself in her situation and I'm a kind of person who really loves letters and who thinks that expressing this kind of things (as how C was important for you, as you would like a better goodbye, ...) is important and beneficial for people "in general". So... yes; she might be very different. But then... what would you "miss" in that case / what could happen the worse? She might decide not to give the letter to C - that would be the same as not sending it. She might think that you're a bit strange - but is that so much important to you? Do you need to keep a good relationship with her? You two don't have build any realtionship, so... I'd say rather no. I don't suppose she might "tell somebody (who knows you) that you're creepy" - or might she?

BTW, you might post the letters with some comments (omitting everything related to pedophilia - for not evoking prejudices in readers!) in a new thread/topic in the "General coping/support" forum. There you might receive more feedback than here - and also unrelated to your issues, so most (?) people reading it there won't know more about you than C's mother...

[FrenzyFire]

Well she doesn't know anybody that knows me as far as I know and I'm never going back their again. So I can't really think of a worst case scenario unless somehow we run into each other at some point and like she looks at me weird or something or says something to me.......i guess that's the worst.

If I saw her at a grocery store I would definitely go and say hi, because I'd recognize her. Dunno if she would remember me or not...but maybe she would. I'm PRETTY sure she would. like I said she picked him up every day so she saw me every day....but she doesn't know much about ME in general....just kind of hi and a little chit chat while she signs him out.....I wanted to make it more formal but I don't really know how to make it more formal. I dunno....it sounds dumb but i was just trying to make the letter sound "Adult to adult" kind of thing. So I asked how she was doing in it and stuff, since it seemed like what I would expect somebody to say even if it sounds weird to me...I don't know what ELSE to say and don't want it to seem too unfriendly or something....

But what do you mean exactly by "more formal"? What does a "more formal" letter sound like? I really don't know how to write a "more formal" letter...the letter to her was much harder to write than the letter to him but it needed to be there so she can read it first and decide whether or not to give it like you guys said, and so it doesn't seem too weird.

and I want to put it in the general coping/support forum or something, I'm just worried somebody will see this topic and then think I'm trying to hide something or deceive them.

[Ralph]

It sounds like you know C's mom pretty well so it's fine to put in some personal details. To make it sound more formal though, take out stuff about what's going on inside your head, e.g., "I'm hoping you remember me, but..." and just start out by introducing yourself. In the second paragraph, remove "adulthood is well in progress," the statement about hoping this isn't too weird, and omit the use of the word "Anyways". In general you could take out most of the references to C's personal life. In the last paragraph, just state you are hoping C is doing well at school without going into the stuff about fighting. Then explain how the second letter fulfills the need to say a more proper goodbye to C. I don't want to take on the task of writing the whole thing for you, but these are some possible edits that would be steps in a more formal direction. Hope that helps.

Oh and this probably does belong better in the general coping section. I don't see how moving the topic would make someone think you are trying to deceive them. This is about a decision you have to make and doesn't have to do with sexuality so it doesn't need to be in the sexuality forum, IMHO.

[LaLa]

I like Ralph's suggestions!

In my opinion, there's a too little chance that somebody who knows you would notice it on that forum. And after you will have received the feedback, you'll delete everything (we may delete the whole topic, if you'd prefer), so nobody could find it there ever.

[JaiJai]

Soooo...ive been following along with your thread, and havent said much as my opinion is quite often not as supportive as others would like...however, I have some experience with this type of situation, and I think the discussion should really point out some things for you to consider.

For starters, I agree with the others - I would completely disregard the whole paedophile slant to your concern.

I work with children, in camps, school year programs. I will spend 4-8 hrs with the same children, every weekday, for 4, 5, 6 years.

I grow very attached to them, I have a well established relationship with their parents, and honestly, there are many kids that when they move on...I grieve. It's hard and I miss them. However, this is my issue- not theirs.

The kids have their family and their friends, and although I may have been important to them while they were under my care, they are not my friends. I care about them very much, I would say I love them. But there are boundaries and ethics and the nature of our relationship that I am highly conscientious of.

However you feel about this child, you are not his friend. You are his camp counsellor. Maybe an awesome counsellor, maybe the most fun in the world...but still a counsellor.

You are the adult, and by being in a position of authority, you were put in a position of trust. You are trusted by your employer, the parents, the kids, and society to uphold and respect the boundaries of that position.

Sure you miss the kid, but that is a situation with you, with your immaturity or difficulty forming relationships with someone your own age. You need to seek help with a professional to deal with that. Recognize that it is you.

In my opinion, by persuing this friendship, you cross ethical boundaries. It's dicey territory, its potentially unhealthy for both you and the child, and the onus is on you to set aside your feelings to do what is right, and appropriate.

You know your feelings are unusual...other people will too (if you choose to act on them.)

And, despite how well you feel you may know his mom, and despite your pure intentions, there is not a mother alive who won't have some misgivings about a grown man seeking a relationship with her child. Even your gut instinct says "maybe I shouldnt".

You have, so far, used this experience as a way to gain insight into areas of yourself in need of growth and development. So embrace it. Camp is over. Your buddy doesnt need closure.

You seem like a decent dude. By getting help for yourself, doesnt mean you wont be able to relate to kids, or be a fantastic counsellor or mentor for them,.. it just means you'll be able to have meaningful relationships with people your own age...so when children you work with move on, you wont experience it as such a loss.

[LaLa]

F., I'm glad JJ ofered her "insider's" view. I just want to explain to you how I can like it even though I had written something different to you earlier: I've put too much myself in the place of you and of the child. I'd love to receive such a letter and I'd be tempted, too, to write it in your position (however, I cannot know what would I really do, if...). I don't know anything about the rules for camp councelors...

Having read this new post, something occured to me: The best person to consult it (just the letters, not something related to your personal problems!) with - except for a psychologist / therapist that you'd see because of your problems - would be your former employer or somebody from the people who are senoirs / supervisors to the camp councelors.

[LaLa]

BTW, I realized that the reason why I don't see you as a person as immature as you say (or as others perhaps might see you here) might be that I might be similarly immature in this aspect which is "exposed" here... [sorry for my English...] Because Ralph and JaiJai expressed opinions which sound more adult to me than mine (and only Ralph is, a bit, older than me! )... That's a big advantage of a forum - you receive several different points of view. I can imagine that it may be difficult to choose the final solution, but ... Well, that's why I suggested to consult some authority from the camps - so that you may have the feeling that "this is a person I most probably should obey in this context".

In any case, I believe that you'll eventually do the right decision .

[Ralph]

After reading Jai's post I would agree not to send the letter. I wasn't aware of the ethical issues.

[FrenzyFire]

Hey guys...I'm doing okay...still wish I got more people responding to this but thanks to everybody who did so far......I need to hear the negative stuff so it's good to hear...

I dunno I'm still having trouble with it. I guess I PROBABLY won't send it but I just don't know..............I guess there's the ethical thing but I dunno.....it's just I really liked those kids a lot, especially C....like I said, to me they weren't just kids but friends...who I like more than most of my older friends. I just had way more in common with them and just enjoyed talking to them so much more....and me and C I feel like were a lot closer than adult/kid kinda thing...he really was a friend...I didn't just know him well he knew me well too.....i dunno........it just sucks the whole thing..........................................I honestly WISH I didn't like these kids more than adults I just do I just fit in with them more.....

[devils daughter]

I honestly WISH I didn't like these kids more than adults I just do I just fit in with them more.....

Just because that's the way it is now doesn't mean that's the way it will be forever. When I'm feeling a feeling it feels like it will be that way forever. It feels eternal. It's very hard for me to remember that it will pass. Can you remember back when you were a kid yourself and thought you would never grow up? And yet, now . . . despite how you feel sometimes. . .you HAVE grown up. And sooner or later, I'll bet your feelings will catch up with reality. Again . . . I think it could help you get there sooner, and with less pain, if you could find a counselor that you like. And he would, of course, be an adult, so . . .maybe you could learn and experience being a friend with him? Hopefully it would work that way, anyway.

[LaLa]

Hello, FF,

thanks for 'staying in touch' .

I like very much what DD wrote. I can only agree...

[IrmaJean]

Do you know what it is that helps you to feel more comfortable interacting with younger kids? Do you feel less pressure or judgment with them or does it just feel more natural for you? I think maintaining healthy boundaries is very important for all of us. Do you also have friendships with people your own age?

I hope I did not ask too many questions. You don't have to answer any of them. Maybe just some things to think about.

I wish you well. Take care.

[LaLa]

...still wish I got more people responding to this

I think that there's just a small chance to get more replies here - in this forum with this title of the topic. I suppose a part of the members avoid reading about pedophiles and they cannot know - when seeing this title - that you're not one. So you can take your letters and post them on the general forum without mentioning pedophilia...

[FrenzyFire]

Do you know what it is that helps you to feel more comfortable interacting with younger kids? Do you feel less pressure or judgment with them or does it just feel more natural for you? I think maintaining healthy boundaries is very important for all of us. Do you also have friendships with people your own age?

I hope I did not ask too many questions. You don't have to answer any of them. Maybe just some things to think about.

I wish you well. Take care.

No ask as many questions as you want...

I really don't know...I think it just feels more natural for me...when I talk to people my age it just feels kind of...forced...I don't know. I have some friends my age, a couple, just not a lot and I don't feel like I can just sit there and talk to them forever without feeling like awkward or something or having to try to think of things to talk about or something......I have like two or three good friends my age that Im really close with but like most casual friends and stuff I feel like I never know what to say and conversations just don't flow right and I just don't feel like I'm fitting in.....

With younger kids, I dunno, everything just feels more natural, like I could talk to them forever. Like with C, I feel like I always had something to talk to him about...plus we share more common interests since Im still into tons of kid shows and also video games and stuff....when I was visiting camp I was there for four hours and never ran out of stuff to say and wish I had a lot more time...I never feel out of place...everything just feels natural I just feel more like "on their level." I guess...and after spending a whole summer at an internship and feeling like just not really me, just the second I was at camp I felt just like me again I dunno.....I had so much fun just joking around and talking and stuff...I dunno I just like you said...it just feels way way more natural talking with them and I just feel like I fit in more.......it's hard to explain......

Besides my 1 or 2 best friends, I like pretty much all my camp kids way better than my friends my age...even if I could make friends my age and i have a few, I never feel like I like them as much or enjoy talking to them or being with them as much......................theyre just kinda boring I guess....

[FrenzyFire]

You'd think id be over all this by now but I'm not I miss him so much........

I got home today and just looked at the home-made thank you card he made me a year ago for a while....i'm so depressed....I can't stand that I'll never see him again. I shouldn't miss him this much but I do.

[LaLa]

I see... It's a kind of mourning; even knowing that he's alive doesn't make it feel much easier .

I shouldn't miss him this much but I do.

Well, it's hard to say what we "should" or "should not" feel... In any case, there is a reason - and yes; the reason can often be of a kind that can be influenced, changed: You "should" miss him this much knowing how you are, how attached you became, ... But you also could alleviate this sorrow: By gradually understanding better and changing yourself.

Maybe... you could write more about the many reasons why you miss him - to understand even better what exactly you miss - and then maybe you'll see that some of this can be found elsewhere.

Does it seem to you that not being with him somehow "restricts" your life; that you can't do something you need or can't feel something pleasant? In what way? Why? ... I don't want to answer this for you; I don't know you well enough; but it seems to me you might just need a close friendship. And you do have a good friend - so what about making more out of that current friendship?

I still think that therapy could help you to a considerable extent: With your mourning, with your unconscious avoidance of "becoming an adult" / of "maturity"...

BTW; what comes into your mind when you think about "being adult"? Is there something frightening or repelling? Or it's too "hazy", complicated or "hard to imagine"? ...

Take care!

[FrenzyFire]

Man....talk more about the reasons why I miss him...that's kind of hard but I'll try.

I guess I just miss talking to him and hanging out with him....I miss how cheery he was in the morning and how well we knew each other. I miss having those long talks with him after something happened (he kind of got in fights a lot...he was a good sweet kid really but had this 'eye for an eye' stubbornness about him that kicked in when he got upset....) and leaving the talks both knowing more about each other and understanding each other more. I miss him singing and dancing on the line when we walked to activities and I miss him kicking the other kids' butts in sports and how awesome he was but mostly I just miss talking to him especially at lunch and I miss goofing around with him. Also I miss his loyalty He called me the best counselor ever, and when I visited this summer though he had a whole summer with his new counselors he still said I'm the best I was nervous he'd have basically have forgotten about me but not even close.

I just miss the bond we had. It was sort of weird and hard to understand but really really strong. I think what made it so strong was that he felt on one hand like a little brother but on the other hand like a friend. It was a weird hybrid because I was his counselor but I just like I've said have tons of childish aspects about me...we had a lot in common and I really never looked at him as just a 'little kid' like some people seem to. We had tons of interesting conversations and funny moments. I feel like when I hear other people talk about kids they talk about them like they're puppies or something...like some totally different breed. To me, my campers never felt like that....I had to be the counselor and be in charge so it wasn't like we were equal equal but in a way that's hard to explain when I hear other people talk about kids and stuff I just never can relate to how they talk about them....to me in a way that's hard to explain I relate to them differently.

I dunno it's weird because I was reading some articles online with people talking about like...adults being friends with children. (And it still feels SO weird to me to refer to myself as 'adult' though I guess twenty isn't THAT old....) The articles and comments seemed to be against it and things were said like 'And what could an adult possibly talk about with a child anyways? What could they possibly have in common?' and also things saying that adults would want to do adult things that children couldn't participate in etc, and would want time to be with other adults and wouldn't want them around etc. It's just weird for me because for me it just feels like the opposite. When Im around people my own age or ADULTS I feel like I have nothing to talk about, and its ten times worse with people who are already out of college. I just don't know what to say to them and after going through formalities I just find myself very uncomfortable with the conversations. Like I try to sound interested and talk about all this stuff but I feel like I'm just faking interest because I usually find it really boring.

On the other hand when I was with my campers and C I never felt like I had nothing to talk about, in fact I felt like I ALWAYS had things to talk about and could have talked for hours. C and me had a ton in common like video games and Pokemon and this Nick cartoon called Avatar: The Last Airbender...but even when we weren't talking about stuff like that just conversations about whatever was around us I felt like I had a way easier time talking to him and I just felt a lot more like me....I'd much much rather talk about the best Pokemon with my campers than talk about like...somebody's job or something.

when I had an internship this summer I would be exhausted by the end of the day because I felt like I was acting all day. Wearing a button-down shirt and talking to people about stuff I really didn't care about....I just didn't feel like me I felt like this weird version of me where I had to put up a front like all day long and I just hated it.

That one day I visited camp (which prompted this topic) and hung out with my former campers for a couple hours who I hadn't seen in a year it was crazy how little time it took for me to fit right in like I had never left. And one of the activities they had was kind of hiking (not really hiking if it's level ground I guess lol) through the woods and I was along with them and spent the whole time just joking around with them about what we were gonna do when a bear attacks and just stuff like that and it was crazy how quickly I felt like me again..like all summer I felt so out of place and suddenly everything felt so natural again way quicker than I thought it would. I thought it was maybe just me but it wasn't....all the feelings i had had all summer about feeling out of place I had kind of not known what to do with them but going back there and feeling so like me again within five seconds was so insane and it made me so depressed because now I feel like I can never be 'me' again.......like that was my last chance to kind of be myself and have personality and now I'm going to become like some mindless robot in an office......

Therapy could help but I so much rather like talking anonymously....it's much easier for me. As for "being adult" I don't know. All I know is most of the things I do, I try to picture some adult doing it and it just does not like...compute. No adult I know would ever do some of the things I do...I mean as for why I avoid it I dunno I've been resisting tons of growing up changes since potty training like when I was 3 (I think I said before I wasn't fully potty trained until 4 mostly because I stubbornly said I wouldn't do it until I was 4.) So whatever it is is obviously deeply ingrained in me. But also just....the thing that bothers me most about actually AGING (not like becoming an adult in behavior or lifestyle Im just talking physically here) is that the stuff I do becomes so much weirder if I'm older. Like I picture an adult doing some of the stuff I do and it just seems ridiculous.

I kind of feel this weird 'torn between two worlds' feeling. Like when I'm hanging out with adults I feel out of place because I just don't feel like I fit in at all. When I'm hanging out with kids it's a different kind of out of place. I feel like I fit in just fine with them and connect with them but it still feels 'out of place' in that I know that I'm supposed to be too old for this and after a while I just can't do it anymore because I'm not allowed...as society says. It was okay as a counselor but now like my friendship with C is just gone because I'm not allowed to connect with him not as a counselor. So I feel like I don't fit in anywhere. It feels like being kicked out of 'kid world' but not being able to fit in with 'adult world.' And if I had to pick one I'd rather just be a kid...

I love my best friend but it's no replacement for C...because the two friendships are so different. Im not saying C is more important than my best friend just that he is totally different and that I have one and not the other so that's why it is affecting me so much more. I'm sure Id be depressed as well if I still was C's counselor but my best friend moved away or something, but there's also a difference in that I could potentially find tons of other friends my age. Im just so depressed because it just feels like it all isn't fair. Reading those articles about adults shouldn't be friends with kids and stuff or like about you shouldn't add kids on Facebook if you do don't talk to them unless they talk to you that stuff just bothers me....I know C doesn't have a Facebook yet since he's still only 9 now but maybe some of my former campers will who are a bit older or let's say he gets one why shouldn't I be able to add him or send him a message if I want to talk to him? And I feel like where the thing differs is most people wouldn't want to do that, kind of like...why would you want to talk to a kid on Facebook when you have adult friends? And that's so not the way I think....

My point is Im getting older and older and not really changing or maturing too much inside. And that sucks...though part of me still resists it. As I typed that sentence it made me think 'but I don't WANT to change' and I don't really know where that comes from but I guess being an adult has just always seemed boring to me and it still does and I LIKE how I am for the most part. Yeah I would change some things but I still basically like me....I don't want to become a new me and especially not the me that I was at my internship since he was the most boring person ever just like everybody else was there....my campers all had so much more personality......

It's depressing because it still feels like I SHOULD be able to do certain things and because I can't means I'm going to get older and older and the separation is going to have to grow more and more. It feels like my life will get worse and worse and worse and worse and worse with no bright side. Like some people said they don't think I'm a pedophile because my thoughts about C were never sexual and I never wanted to do things like that with a kid. Well okay that's good I guess and I feel a bit better about myself but I still definitely don't have attraction to grown-ups either. I mean like...when I watch Game of Thrones for example seeing the women naked (because there's nudity in like every episode since it's an HBO show) really really really really REALLY grosses me out so I guess that's out....seeing a man naked doesn't GROSS me out (I mean how could it...I have the same stuff so looking in a mirror isn't 'gross' it's hard to be 'grossed out' per se) but like.....the idea of anything sexual really does and especially like I am waaay grossed out by what happens in the male anatomy during sex....especially at the end. So if anything that'd make me asexual (Which I guess makes sense since when people talk about 'needing' sex or something or not having sex for a while and feeling terrible this is something I just cannot understand at all. I don't masturbate like I said before by which I mean that I don't do it regularly or anywhere close but I HAVE done it before....and I can't imagine how that is so important to people.)

So if I'm asexual okay that's cool I guess but that means I'm never going to have my OWN family or any kind of intimate relationship. My friends will...I won't. So what am I REALLY looking forward to? I don't know what in life I really have to look forward to when I'm say 30. I can't hang out with kids anymore even though I feel like I fit in with THEM and I won't have any close relationship or get married or anything so it just feels like my life is going to go downhill and downhill. IT also gets harder to even meet friends my OWN age at that point if I wanted to and it just seems like everything is going to go wrong.

I'd do anything to be younger again really....

(EDIT: Let me add one quick addition to this already way too long message...one of the things that really kills me is that I never got to tell C just how much he meant to me. He said I was the best counselor ever so many times (and though that might sound like a shallow kiddy thing to say...from him it wasn't. He wasn't like that. He was..I don't know the word exactly..not mature but maybe...deep...emotionally? He just 'got it' for lack of a better word. He could have a serious conversation really well.) He was my favorite camper ever as well but I never could say that as the counselor I had to be fair and I could never give him preferential treatment. There were so many times I'd rather hang out with him where I hung out with other kids to be fair. That part is fine, I loved all of the kids...but I wish I could have at least let him KNOW how much he meant to me....all I really got to do was give him a quiet and serious 'You're a great kid C' on the last day. I know just how much it would have meant to him to have me say he was the best camper though, it really would have.)

[LaLa]

Hi, F,

First of all; I'm very glad that you have written this all. I see there a lot of important issues (including new-ones for me) and I'd like to comment on them - hoping it could be meaningful or even somehow helpful... However, I need more time for it, so I'll post a reply later (maybe even in a week or more) - just don't think that I forgot about you or that I don't care .

And... I've changed the title of this thread - I planed to do it earlier but somehow wasn't sure if to ask you before or not, and when... But I think it's not appropriate to call you a pedophile in the title or elsewhere and like this, maybe even more people will read this.

In the meantime, maybe you might try to find some members here with whom you could communicate with about their problems - it might be a way to learn more about the "adult world", but from another side - different from a every-day-life, in person conversations, which are, btw, often boring for many adults, too (so I don't see this as something special about you - many of us don't like some kinds of "ordinary" talks).

Take care!

[FrenzyFire]

Thanks for all the help, and for sticking with this topic forever. It means a lot to see you always having advice for me...

And how would you suggest I find members to communicate with and stuff?

[LaLa]

I like to communicate with you, so... However, I wouldn't say I always have an advise for you. I'm just trying to come with some ideas, that's all. I'm pleased if some of them "work".

When I wrote "you might try to find some members here with whom you could communicate with about their problems", I meant that you might "look around" here and choose some topics you feel comfortable to read (I mean... there may be some topics you'd prefer to avoid (as, for instance, some sexuality issues or self-injury issues) - that's natural and there's no reason to change this, and there are also several topics which you probably can't relate to - as, for instance, dicsussing mediacation and its side effects or problems in psychotherapy), read what people think, how they feel and how they experience their lifes/problems/..., and how others react - and when you'll feel sometimes like adding your opinion, "any input", feel free to do it .

I hope I'll write more soon...

Take care!

[LaLa]

Hello again,

So I’m here to reply to your long post. It won’t be a "very coherent" text, just my reactions to some of your sentences, "in order of appearance" .

To summarize what you miss when you miss C: The closeness – emotional and positional (= concerning opinions) – the familiarity, the great feeling of being understood and understand the other, of being special and helpful for somebody, ... You wrote that it’s "hard to understand" how strong the bond was. I wouldn’t say that. This kind of bond occurs in many/most happy childhood, teenage, as well as adult relationships (although not everybody is lucky enough to experience it at least once in his/her life ). And it’s also very natural to miss it when it’s gone – who wouldn’t? (Yet I don’t suggest that this grieving is something you would have to feel all your life!!!) So, this part is not "so special" – but as you said, the fact which makes your case different is the age difference between you and C.

It’s fine that you’re trying to learn more and search for info on the web! However, the articles you’ve found are about (statistically) "average" people and since you’re an exception in this context, they can only show you how the majority feels about it and what people usually think, which is indeed important to know, but it’s not something you could use as a practical guideline to change yourself (as you already know). So I wouldn’t pay too much attention about the articles – not in a sense that "this is what is right, so I’m totally wrong, weird". Yes, you need to know you’re different, because denying it wouldn’t lead to anything good, but it’s more useful to understand better yourself than it would be to try somehow forcing yourself to imitate others or constantly wondering how strange they are as they are different than you.

You wrote: "it still feels SO weird to me to refer to myself as 'adult' though I guess twenty isn't THAT old..." and that makes me think at myself – I really didn’t feel like an adult when I was 20 and it’s not that easy to admit that now, 30 y.o., I’m already adult – and also at some people younger than me who I used to see for many years as "still kids" even when they were 20-25. Not because their age, but because of how they appeared to me – very immature in some ways. The best example is ... that doesn’t matter – it’s a girl in our family who’s now 23 and I began to have the impression that "she’s probably already mostly mature" only a half-a-year ago – until then, we even didn’t have much to say to each other, I really had the impression that "she’s still in puberty" or "she’s a kid" (-when I exaggerated!). But I’ve seen the gradual changes and... I know; she’s different from you, but I want to show this example to illustrate the fact that age isn’t a valid criterion in this case and that also among those people you’d consider as adult and as "normal" - in the context in which you are "special" - , there are differences / there are people who are rather childish in some ways, but they can change in time. Briefly; it’s not "black and white", there are not only "kinds and teens and adults", but everybody has his own way of "maturing" and the process can last even a long time. So for you, this means that there are also other people of your age who are more or less similar to you (so you might find a friend of similar age with similar interests, for instance), and mainly that (this isn’t a direct consequence of what I’ve written, but it’s related and it has several other causes) there is no reason to think that you won’t change at all and thus will suffer all your life from the "incompatibility" you feel now.

There are surely quite many adults who also dislike the kind of "adult talk" you’ve mentioned! However, it could be useful to summarize what exactly you find so boring in the adult conversations. I mean; is it just the lack of your favorites topics (= everything that isn’t related to what you prefer to talk about is boring) or it’s less general and you can list the topics which usually bother you??

I imagine that one of the reasons you don’t like the "adult talks" is that you can’t find there the familiarity and the closeness. But closeness is present only between good friends in a part of their conversations, not in casual talks with anybody. So the familiarity may be more important here: Can you say what exactly seems too unfamiliar to you? For instance, when you talk to somebody who’s got a baby and that person talks about the baby and the parent’s problems, you could be bored because you’re not a parent and can’t relate to those problems very much. (I don’t say it’s your case; it’s just an example.) So, are there some topics like this which occur too often and make you feel bored?

That’s also one of the reasons why I suggested you to look around these forums – to see different topics than you usually hear adults to talk about and to find out if you also feel so bored.

Now I’m getting closer to the most important issues you’ve mentioned. The first one:

...it made me so depressed because now I feel like I can never be 'me' again.......like that was my last chance to kind of be myself and have personality and now I'm going to become like some mindless robot in an office......

I’d like you to know, to realize, to admit that it’s only your own decision if you’ll become "a mindless robot". There is no external force which would oblige you to loose your personality. Yes, being different from the majority makes you needing more efforts to find your place, to find a way of life, to adapt to the world so that you won’t be depressed, unhappy. But it’s up to you if you see this like a challenge, like a reason to struggle and fight for your happiness, or if you resign and choose the simpler but depressive way of becoming a robot suppressing all his needs just to fit better the expectations of environment he’d have chosen to live in (as an office). Please, think about this for some time and then feel free to write your thoughts.

To get some additional info: What do you study? What kind of job do you expect to have in the future? Have you considered the possibility to work with children – as a teacher, a "guard" (I don’t know how it’s called – maybe also counselor?) in a kind of facility for spare-time activities for children, ...?

Therapy could help but I so much rather like talking anonymously....it's much easier for me.

It’s much easier for everybody . But one of the beauties (and benefits) of therapy is that you discover the feeling of being able to talk to "somebody" in person about the most personal issues and the feelings which follow his/her reactions to those issues...

the thing that bothers me most about actually AGING (not like becoming an adult in behavior or lifestyle Im just talking physically here) is that the stuff I do becomes so much weirder if I'm older. Like I picture an adult doing some of the stuff I do and it just seems ridiculous

You mean something like... pokemons and some games? Well, but who says that you’ll do the same all your life? And who says that as adult, one cannot play some childish games sometimes? (Some adults make much crazier things, really...)

I feel like I don't fit in anywhere. It feels like being kicked out of 'kid world' but not being able to fit in with 'adult world.' And if I had to pick one I'd rather just be a kid...

It's depressing because it still feels like I SHOULD be able to do certain things and because I can't means I'm going to get older and older and the separation is going to have to grow more and more.

You’ve described these feelings very well, I can see how hard it is and how stuck and clueless you feel . But it seems to me that you’re too much convinced that you won’t change, maybe even that changes are impossible for you – now, when mummy isn’t "training/raising/educating you" anymore (as with the potty training or as with the toys you had in your bed until teenage and she decided to move out). Isn’t this the worst, the scariest part of the adulthood?? That now it’s you who has to take care about yourself, to choose a direction of your life, to decide what and how you’ll try to change about yourself? It’s you who’s responsible for your (un)happiness? It’s you who’ll choose to be or not to be a robot, to loose, to change or to keep your personality? ...

You’ve said so far mostly that being adult seems boring to you:

but I guess being an adult has just always seemed boring to me and it still does and I LIKE how I am for the most part.

Form the context, I understand this "boredom" rather as unfamiliarity and lack of your own personality:

My point is Im getting older and older and not really changing or maturing too much inside. And that sucks...though part of me still resists it. As I typed that sentence it made me think 'but I don't WANT to change' and I don't really know where that comes from but I guess being an adult has just always seemed boring to me and it still does and I LIKE how I am for the most part. Yeah I would change some things but I still basically like me....I don't want to become a new me and especially not the me that I was at my internship since he was the most boring person ever just like everybody else was there...

It’s good to define what you don’t want to become. But it seems that you can see, so far, very few of the possibilities: to be the same as now or to be somebody completely boring and average.

It reminds me myself – I didn’t want to be a woman; I used to be unhappy because of being born as a girl, but I mainly didn’t want to "mature" because being a woman would be even much worse than being a girl. It was quite bad during my teenage, then it get better thank to my boyfriend, now husband, but despite this, I became able to accept my "gender" only thanks to my therapy – which I entered only some months after I had got married! But back to the point: One of the important things that I realized was that "being a woman" doesn’t mean "being just like the kind of women I dislike so much"; I can be me, I can be different, but sill a woman (even without feeling as uncomfortable as I did before). It sounds obvious, but it was really important for me to realize this deeply, to grasp what it means for me. So it seems to me that it might be similar in your case: You need to understand that changing yourself doesn’t imply "becoming identical to the majority around you" or "becoming somebody you don’t like". No, the art of change includes the identification of the right way for you: a way which wouldn’t bring you even more suffering or more dissatisfaction with yourself, but which would allow you also to profit from your personality, to be able to use it in an appropriate way – for you as well as your environment.

To summarize the message by an example: If you go to therapy, the aim won’t be to transform you into a boring average person without personality, so that you’d "fit" into an average office and be able to do your job and talk about stupidities with the colleagues.

Now to another issue:

I still definitely don't have attraction to grown-ups either

So if I'm asexual okay that's cool I guess but that means I'm never going to have my OWN family or any kind of intimate relationship.

Well, you seem rather asexual, but this also isn’t something that has to last all your life. It seems to me that there may be only some obstacles which now prevent your sexuality to "express itself, to be noticeable".

I used to have issues related to this, too, and I don’t like to "talk" about it, but I can at least say that in my case, there were problems I considered as unchangeable, but love and therapy had considerable impacts on me. The problems included strong feelings of "grossing out", as you’re described, but also some worse problems in my relationship – as my partner has always been "normal", so... I tried to adapt, to change, ... and it was difficult, but we’re together for already 12 years, so... it means that sometimes even problems seeming unchangeable can be worked out.

Back to you: Maybe you need to find a special girl who you’ll be close friends with and then, slowly, begin to discover the positive sides of sexuality with her. For instance, to me, even when I’m "already OK", sex is still disgusting when it involves anybody I don’t love – this means I hate to see it in TV etc., but it doesn’t mean that I hate to have fantasies about the man I love or to "be with him...", you know what I mean? Maybe for you, it’s unimportant of gross because it’s never been related to anybody you’d love, but in case you’ll love somebody, then it will feel different in the context of that particular girl. I don’t say it has to be like this, but I want you to know that there’re possibilities you haven’t yet considered, so you’ve made your ungrounded gloomy conclusions too soon.

"However", these are good questions:

. So what am I REALLY looking forward to? I don't know what in life I really have to look forward to when I'm say 30.

It’s a good topic to think and fantasize about. Not in the pessimistic way – that everything has to be bad. Rather asking yourself; what would you LIKE to look forward to? But something realistic, not "becoming a kid again" !

one of the things that really kills me is that I never got to tell C just how much he meant to me.

You know; I still think that your case is so special that maybe it would be better to send him such a letter – a slightly adapted version of what you posted here (including Ralph’s comments etc.). Because; yes. it might sound weird to the majority, even to C’s mother, but it might make a big difference in your life and I don’t think it cold hurt C’s in any way.

I’ve kept this for the end:

Im just so depressed because it just feels like it all isn't fair

Regardless of the context: Life isn’t fair. Humans try to be fare and it’s good. But expecting "life / destiny / ..." to be "fair" is just... a source of frequent disappointment.

But this rather sad end doesn’t mean negativity dominates all . On the contrary; I can imagine a nice future for you, I can see the chances waiting somewhere for you – the hardest part is to find and use them...

Take care!

[Ralph]

I don't know what I could really add to LaLa's response but I will submit my own comments, take them for what you will.

It's fine that you became friends with your campers and especially C, but unless you can still be a counselor at the camp, unfortunately that part of your life is over now. The skill you need to learn at this point is letting go. This is simply a part of the job that you took; you can't be a counselor forever and the kids can't be campers forever. So the separation was inevitable. You said you can't stand that you'll never see C again, but you are standing it now. That is evidence that yes you can stand it although it may be painful. Grief is a natural part of this process and for the most part it's best to simply let the pain be there; just don't talk yourself into getting stuck in the negative feelings... let them go when you are done with them.

You don't want to grow up but you are growing older no matter what happens. Nobody gets around this. Impermanence is a feature of all facets of life whether it is relationships, your life situation, or even your own body. These things are all changing constantly although we want to hold things still and say, "this is permanent, that won't change." Everything changes, just some things at a slower rate than we can immediately perceive. Even so, it is possible to get more mature without losing the things that you're interested in. For example I am in my thirties but I still like cartoons (including Avatar, but mostly anime really) and video games. I even went to comicon with some friends this year and had a blast. So you don't have to give up everything, you just need to learn to be low key about it. There are going to be fewer and fewer people who share your interests as you get older. For me this meant cultivating new interests for the sake of getting to be around people. Luckily I had music which I love and was able to make good friends in college through the music scene there.

The point is you are growing up, and this experience of separating from C is part of that journey. However not all aspects of growing up will necessarily be this painful. College parties comes to mind as one of the benefits of being an adult We can't change that we grow older, which forces us to develop the skill of acceptance.

[LaLa]

Wow! Ralph, it's so beautifully said and I see it as so very right!! (And I admire how much lesser words you needed to say more than me... How typical for me ...)

I agree with what you wrote, but I'd like to add that you say just how it is and what F. "should" do; I suppose the main problem is HOW to do it. Like with every change, with every difficult psychological process... And that's why I'm so often proposing therapy; it seems to me that it might accelerate and even navigate the process. Which doesn't mean, F., that you cannot do it yourself . I just wish the best for you and this is my personal, subjective idea of the probably best way.