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something doesn't feel right


benji
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I can't tell if it's my standard case of the crazies, if it's sleep deprivation, or if it's meds, but I don't feel right. I'm tired and numb and keep getting flashes of things--not really flashbacks, as mostly it's flahses of recent things, little things that happened earlier in the day, but very vivid. I don't even know how to describe it. I've been keeping my pocket knife with me and keep intending to use it on myself, but when I start, I end up petering out and just not caring. I felt sad and hurt earlier, but it was like i could feel the emotions in my body, but not my head. I was removed from it somehow.

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Lamictal and Wellbutrin. I've only been on the wellbutrin for 3 weeks. I'm not getting much sleep because I keep staying up too late working on projects. It isn't even that I can't sleep--if I lay down, I have no problem drifting off--it's just that I get absorbed in whatever it is I'm doing.

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I seem to be having problems with short term memory and word finding as well. I had these problems when I started the lamictal, but they went away. I don't remember when exactly they went away. It might have been right about when I started the wellbutrin, so maybe the wellbutrin counteracted it a little, but because I've been on the same dose since starting, my body has adjusted to the wellbutrin and the lamictal effects are back? I have no idea. I spent far too much time today trying to figure out my schedule for next month so I knew when I could make therapy appointments. After going over and over it, I still messed up and made appts for the wrong times. Sometimes I think that the only reason I end up not hurting myself is because I forget what had motivated me to want to do it before I'm able to carry it out.

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Sleep is vital. I don't know how old you are, the amount of sleep required is based on age. Wellbutrin or any anti depressant usually requires 4-6 weeks to take it's full effect. Given the time you've been on it, I would suggest you talk to your Dr. Some anti depressants can cause suicidal thoughts. I'm not overly familiar with your other medication, but there is always the risk of increased side effects when starting something new. In the meantime, walk away from your projects, turn off your computer, tv, ect... and try to get some sleep. Definitely call your Dr tomorrow and discuss this, I've been on anti depressants before and they can really throw you through a loop if it's not the right one for you.

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My therapist today said that I should be making sleep more of a priority. But I feel like I don't have enough time to do everything I want/need to do in a day anymore. I'm not having suicidal thoughts. I've just been having weird thoughts and weird flashes of things. I saw my therapist earlier today and talked about some of this a little bit, but mostly we were talking about other things, so it kind of go tpushed to the side. I see the guy who prescribes the meds on Tuesday. This isn't the first antidepressant I've tried and it's fundamentally different from what I understand. I forgot why i was posting on here. I might be too tired. I suppose the answer makes sense--to mention it to the doctor--but I felt like there was something else. Maybe I'm afraid of telling them everything wrong and then they change the meds the wrong way. That might be it. I want to figure out what is going on so I know to tell them the right things. And in the meantime I don't know if I should be worrying or not. I can't tell anymore. I think I was worried earlier because the flashes were strange and unnerving and I was playing with my pocket knife and not sure what I was doing. The urge comes and goes.

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It's so important to make time for sleep. Life feels so busy at times that we neglect our basic needs. If you can't commit to sleep on a regular basis, although I strongly feel you'll find relief by doing so, you should try and recognize when your sleep patterns get disruptive to your health. Could you possibly commit to at least 6-8 hours of sleep? Regular sleeping habits are important to your physical and mental health. I still suggest you talk to your Dr about possible medicinal side effects but I think a better pattern of sleep would be extremely beneficial.

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It almost feels like my body and brain are trying to have a meltdown and "emotional flashbacks" as my therapist calls it, but maybe the meds are making it not happen, so it's coming out all weird. this is my new theory. I just had a very vivid visual flashback of my dinner. What the hell? I saw my plate of food from earlier when I looked to my left while I was in the bathroom, and then it was gone again. Why? My brain must be so confused. I keep feeling the beginning edge of the really bad and overwhelming emotions, then they just kind of dissolve.

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Hi, Benji,

I cannot say/know why these flashbacks are happening, but I'd also suggest to get more sleep and then see if they stay, disappear or come back sometimes. I imagine it might be related to the sleep deprivation most probably, perhaps also in combination with the effects of the meds. It would be probably better to discuss it with the doc on Tuestday - when you already plan to meet him - because until then, you can find out if sleep, time or something else has an effect on this problem.

It seems to me that by working so much, you might try to avoid your personal issues and being absorbed by work is "distracting" you from probable self-hate-related thoughts. It's good that you have at least this one working mechanism which can protect you, however, it also brings other problems - as the lack of sleep and the related issues. Moreover, it doesn't remove the reason - the need of this kind of protection. I hope you can find soon a reasonable, working compromise in the amount of work / time consumed by it - which would allow you both the protection and the relax...

Good night!

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LaLa3- Being absorbed in projects makes me happy. I feel like I'm accomplishing things and it is satisfying. The only issue is time. There is never enough of it.

IrmaJean- I think I'd rather not speak to anyone sooner. I'm afraid of losing something if I do. I don't know if that makes sense. I think it's what I said earlier--I fear if I explain my symptoms incorrectly then meds will be adjusted in the wrong way and things will get worse. I'm not even in that bad of a mood at all, it's just that I feel kind of detached and things are a little weird.

I did manage 5 hours of sleep last night.

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I'm pleased to hear that something makes you happy and that you're so good in what you do! :) I'm just a bit worried about workoholism - I hope this will not become your problem...

I did manage 5 hours of sleep last night.

:) I believe you'll manage to have this kind of rest also all the next days... ;)

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Lamictal is often prescribed for people who have bipolar disorder. (It is also used for people who get seizures, but there's no indication that you do.) I have bipolar disorder, and I know that it's very important for me to have a regular sleep schedule i.e. to go to bed about the same time each night and wake up about the same time. If I get less than 6 hours sleep I tend to get manic or vice versa: if I'm manic I sleep less than 6 hours a night. When I'm depressed I often sleep for more than 10 hours.

Have you told your therapist and your doc about how much sleep you get?

Sometimes i have felt that there's so much i have to do that I can't waste time sleeping. :-) But i have learned the hard way that sleep is very important for me and I now give it high priority.

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I think I hit right about 6 hours last night.

NormKeegel--I take the lamictal for cptsd/unstable moods. I definitely have that feeling that there is so much to do and sleep is a waste of time. I have loaded enough things into my daily life that I could keep myself plenty busy for about 50 hours a day. Lots of creative projects though, so it's mostly fun. I think 50 hours/day was an underestimate. I could easily keep myself busy every minute of every day without break--there are enuogh things I want to do and work on. My therapist is aware of my sleep habits. At my session on Wednesday I got a mini "lecture" on how I know better and that sleep is important. And like I said, I could probably sleep if I wanted to--I don't think I'd have trouble falling asleep because as soon as I lay down, it quickly becomes apparent how tired I am--but I just keep finding other things to do. I might be a little hyper right now. Or maybe focused--I feel very focused and driven and so full of clear ideas I don't have enough time to actualize all of them. If only there were six of me working as a team....

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Just a thought, Benji, but maybe the next time you are feeling distressed, you can help us to help you by telling us what you need? For instance, you might have said, "I'm not okay right now. I need support." And then, "I needed support, but no one responded and now I feel hurt."

I'm not certain what you may have been feeling or needing, but it is okay to ask for things and to express yourself. Take care. I hope you feel better.

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Maybe I don't need anything and I'm just being annoying.

Maybe. Wouldn't you have to tell us if that's true? We can't guess the answer.

Maybe I'm never okay and maybe no one ever cares.

Again, the only one of these that anyone else can answer is the last one, and I would suggest that IrmaJean's response was in fact an effort to care.

As for whether or not you're a bother, isn't that for us to worry about? If we're not bothered, I would guess that means there's nothing for you to worry about. Or is that another way of telling us we don't care, that we didn't "bother" to respond earlier?

It seems that you changed your mind in the span of 20 minutes, this morning. That's okay; it happens. But I hope you weren't expecting that you'd get an answer over the internet within a defined amount of time; that's something that works a lot better out in the real world. If it was really urgent, isn't that the place to ask for help?

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Maybe. Wouldn't you have to tell us if that's true? We can't guess the answer.

I was posting on this thread for the fun of it. I mean, why else would I bother with an "urgent need" board on a mental support forum?

Again, the only one of these that anyone else can answer is the last one, and I would suggest that IrmaJean's response was in fact an effort to care.

I would suggest that the general lack of response is a sign that no one really cares. And IrmaJean seemed to just be telling me I have to say more before anyone will want to bother.

It seems that you changed your mind in the span of 20 minutes, this morning. That's okay; it happens. But I hope you weren't expecting that you'd get an answer over the internet within a defined amount of time; that's something that works a lot better out in the real world. If it was really urgent, isn't that the place to ask for help?

Changed my mind about what? Changed my mind about whether it was worthwhile to bother hoping anyone cares? I don't know anyone here and I'm not so great at trying to make friends so it's probably my own fault anyway. I should go bother someone who isn't on the internet because they'll care way more. For sure. Right? "If it really was urgent." Of course it wasn't. Ha! How silly of me!

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Honestly, it's not so much whether you "know anyone here". Most posts don't get answered within 20 minutes, simply because there often is nobody online.

We should probably remove this forum, in fact, simply because it implies that we can answer urgent requests. In fact, anything that's truly urgent, including a strong urge to self-harm, should be dealt with in only one way: go to the hospital. That's not a matter of us not caring; quite the opposite, in fact. We can't do anything, and people in the real world can. All we can do is talk about it.

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you mean you'll delete an entire board because of me? Now I feel special...

Going to the hospital means people in the "real world" find out and i already annoy enough of them as it is. Because I'm fun.

But you can't do anything, so I don't know why I'm here.

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