Friends - GOT NONE

[jmm_1990]

I am a 22 yr old female who has never had a close friend in my whole life. Grew up in the country so a teeny tiny primary school did not help at all. The girls didn't like me because I moved into the school half way through yr 2. Tried hanging with the boys but that made it worse. Would get invited to sleepovers then not be included in anything or was just picked on like you wouldn't believe. Now I'm an attractive young woman was a cute kid, am really intelligent too and great at any sport I try. 

Figured it would get better in high school but wrong again. My cousin who's my age also came to the same high school as me and due to a one sided competition (hers) she made my years there hell. I would actually have a few acquaintances who would talk to me outside of class and as soon she noticed them she would come up with some incredible bullshit story that somehow they believed. She has a knack of doing this. 

As soon as high school finished I moved to our state capital well away from my hometown. I have tried and tried and tried and keep failing to make some good friends around my own age. I find it really hard to relate to them especially the women. I have a few acquaintances 2 guys who are in their 30's who are a phone all away if I need a chat but I don't have any human contact friends. 

I was sexually abused by my cousin (the one mentioned above older brother) for seven years and also by a next door neighbour who is a god in everyone's eyes but mine! When I was 17 I told my parents. Dad believed me but just said I have to deal with it. Mum well she rejected me for a while there then came back saying I was lying about the neighbour and wasn't sure about her nephew. Late 2011 my cousin who is the sister of the abuser and who witnessed so much of it happen finally came clean and told everyone I was telling the truth. Why they believed her and not me I'll never know. I will always suffer because of losing my childhood but I wouldn't change it for the world. U see it stopped them doing it to my younger siblings. 

Due to my abuse and my lack of friends growing up, I have no idea what to do. I have to say I am brilliant at work people skills no shyness or awkwardness or nothing. Get along fine with older people such as those I deal with at work. But they have families and can't really socialise out of work. 

If I got a friend I don't even know if I'd know what to do. I mean what do friends do together, how often do they chat, god I have no clue at all. I have tried going clubbing alone but couldn't hack it. Too much! I am soo wary of people and I'm shy so I come across as stuck up and just I get killer anxiety having to meet people in my personal life. I do find it hard to converse with people my age about some of the utter crap. They go on about. 

I have been trying so hard for four years to have friends in my personal life and I just am so lost. I am fine with males. They are so simple!!!! Just take u as u are most of the time Anywho. 

Any advice on what the hell I should do would be appreciated. 

Have tried online too but nothing came off them.  Iv joined a Pilates class and I take my dog Winston to doggy day cares where he gets to socialise and I do my very best to not get anxiety and freak out and actually try to get to know people. 

[devils daughter]

Welcome to this community. This is a very supportive place – unfortunately it’s only online and you’d probably like some in-person friends, too. I feel closer in some ways to people here – but the closeness has helped me in my in-person friendships, too.

I’m female but don’t feel good about much of the usual “girl game” stuff, either. I had girl friends before adolescence but maybe because my uncle molested me at 13 -- not in the most horrible way, but it freaked me out – I kinda shut down. That way I didn’t deal with my own feelings and potential “rivalry” with other females (which would have, of course, included my aunt – yikes, family crisis! – had I not shut my feelings down).

I managed OK, did fine socially at work, too (in information technology, no social nuances there). I met a man at work, got married at 27. He was my best friend, as well as husband for 24 years until he died. I didn’t recover from – really couldn’t even deal with – the grief and fell apart 10 years ago. I’m on my way back, now, I hope.

These days, my best in-person friends are those I have met in an in-person support group. So I wonder – do you have an abuse survivor’s group in your area? It may be difficult at first but the people there would be some who can understand you, and you all would have some common experience, which is actually a good basis for a friendship anywhere.

[JaiJai]

Hi Jmm,

Now that you're in a larger centre there should be all kinds of opportunities to meet people with common interests. You mentioned you like sports, there are often recreation and social leagues that are a great way to meet people, and are low-pressure for conversation. Check around, there's also usually social groups for a wide variety of interests, from outdoor activities and persuits, to art experiences, ...etc. If your inclined to volunteer for an organisation, those are also great ways to network and meet people.

Sometimes because you already have something in common, and a focus for your time together, it makes it easier to get to know others in these environments. There are lots of females who are as grounded and easy going as men...so keep an open mind. As far as feeling less anxious in social situations - the most basic answer is practice. Keep pushing yourself to be involved, keep reaching beyond your comfort zone and let your guard down...its not easy, its not a quick fix, but your intelligent and motivated...study people around you who are successful with social skills, and keep practicing.

Clubbing,...yikes! Tough place to meet people...and its a lot more fun when you go with a group you already know...on your own..i cant imagine that would be easy for very many people. There should be all sorts of other fun stuff to check out tho...

seriously...you'll probably have a blast...

I like sports, so that's one of my first things to try usually...what do you like for sports? team stuff? maybe even dance classes or fitness boot camps?

check around and let us know what you can find in your area. Good luck!

[Countrygrl08]

I understand what you are going through. I my self am 23 living in a small country town no friends and every time I try to make one they just stop talking to me.....but most of all it was my kids father that took some of my closes friends away from me. He said they was a bad influence on me and I was better than they were.....but guess what he left me, I don't talk to my family any more or have any friends during hard times its nice to have a good friend to talk to. I hope everything gets better for you and someone will become your friend......