Is something wrong with me?

[Bestcobra]

Alright...So I went on this date with a girl last night. It was actually my first date ever, cause my ex was a long distance relationship and neither of us had a license so we couldn't really go on any dates...But anyway we went on the date and everything seemed to be going really good, we went to the movies and she layed her head on my shoulder which made me feel really good. After the movie we got to my house and sat and laid on the couch and watched a couple movies while cuddling. And I really liked all of this, and in my mind I kept saying to myself that I really wanted to kiss her before she leaves since she's been so sweet and everything. But...I can't. Like, I don't want to actually kiss her. And I don't acually understand why cause she's a great girl and I really liked cuddling with her, I don't find her ugly or anything like that. I just...I don't know, I don't want to kiss her and when I think back to it my ex is actually the only person I've ever TRULY wanted to kiss and I wanted to every second of every day if it would have been possible. And it's not even that I didn't get turned on or anything like that cause the girl turned me on a couple times, but to me kissing is more important than being turned on cause that's honestly just something sexual in my opinion. And when I want to kiss someone its...idk it just seems important and special and as mean as I feel by saying this I just really don't want to kiss the girl but she's really sweet and I want to go on more dates with her and see if how I feel will change but I fear I wont. I don't know if I should just tell her I don't want to go on anymore dates cause I don't want to lead her on then have to tell her I'm not interested. Cause I WANT to like this girl, I really do but either my body/ mind or heart won't let me and I don't know which. I just honestly don't know what to do and I don't want to hurt this girl any more than I have to. I would rather me be lonely and depressed than screw with someone elses heart. I just don't know what to do...Someone please give me some advice Is it possible that I'm incapable of loving someone ever again? I really hope that's not the case.....I feel even more screwed up now than I normally do.

[LaLa]

Is it possible that I'm incapable of loving someone ever again?

This would be very improbable, in my opinion . It seems to me you're making general conclusions from one case. The fact that you don't want to kiss this girl doesn't mean that it's something general about you. You described in another text, before your date, that this girl isn't really the type/kind of girl you prefer physically. And even if she was, it wouldn't have to mean that you have to want to kiss her - it always depends on the concrete person. We can like someone, we can feel good with her/him, but without the will to kiss or have another "deeper" feelings or "deeper connections" with that person. I can imagine it must feel disappointing as she likes you and you can have nice time together, so it would be nice to "be together as partners", but... It might either happen after some more time (you don't know each other well! You're not close enough yet!), or might stay more or less the same. The only way to find out is to date her for some time and see if anything changes. However, you also say:

I would rather me be lonely and depressed than screw with someone elses heart.

Which is a nicely responsible attitude, in my opinion; you just need to know well when (- "by which actions") you're "screwing with her heart" - what she considers appropriate and what not.

I have to say I'm not the best adviser for relationships of this kind, as I've only got one in my life - I've been with the same man for more 12 years already. But one thing seems to be a generally good advise to me: Talk to the one you like/love/date and ask about her perceptions, needs, wishes, ... You know; maybe she didn't want to kiss you either - how could you know? And maybe she thinks that you both need more time to be able to discern if you want to "move towards" kissing or more. But maybe she wants you more than you want her. "Everything is possible" until you ask and find out the truth (-well, in case she'll be honest, of course)... You might ask her about the date also by e-mail - it's easier that in person. What do you think?

[Bestcobra]

Well she said she really had fun on the date and would like to do it again. And I actually asked her before even going on the date and she said it was it was alright if I kiss her on the first date if I want to, but she's also told me she likes how I look. Which is really the first time I've ever gotten that from anyone, and I have no idea why but coming from her it just doesn't seem to mean as much to me as it normally would. I mean one of my guy friends could tell me I don't look bad and it would mean more to me than her telling me I'm hot, which is what she's said. Maybe it's just cause I don't believe that I could actually be "hot" to anyone. I would go as far as even believing someone if I dress nice and they say I look handsome but not hot...Also before we even went on the date she told me a few times that she was gunna get off the pill since i told her we wouldn't be having sex since I refuse to until I get married. But it was like she was trying to make sure that was wasn't before she got off of it, which I can completely understand that. But...it sort of already told me that if I date her for a bit then it would be alright with her if we had sex. Which shes's been with I think 5 people from what she said, or 5 serious relationships anyway. Maybe I just don't really feel like kissing her cause there's not really any challenge in being with her? I've heard people talk about that sort of stuff before, and I talked to my ex online for 6 months before I ever even got to hug or kiss her and when I finally did it was amazing. But it's like I barely know this girl and yea it's nice that she will cuddle with me and that she'll let me kiss her if I want to, but it's like...anyone that dates her has that option and it doesn't feel special. It was a year before me and my ex ever did anything sexual and it was well worth the wait. So I don't have a problem with waiting for stuff like that but maybe when I can get it too easy it just doesn't appeal to me as much. Also, to go along with the other turn ons I actually like when a girl is embarrassed a bit by something but still wants to do it. I would never try to get someone to do anything they don't want to, but that embarrassed factor goes a long way for me. This girl doesn't really seem embarrassed by anything cause she's already done it all. I'm gunna go on another date with her and see how it goes, but I still don't know if I want to try kissing her or not. It might not be too much for her if I kiss her...but that'll be the second person I've ever kissed, when I honestly planned for the first girl I kissed to be the one I marry. So just kissing someone that I feel I won't really be able to have a relationship with and eventually marry sort of hurts me, probably a lot more than it would her. I've even tried thinking like a lot of other guys and just saying "Well I'll just have fun for a bit and whatever happens happens" Then after saying that 10 secs later I already take it back cause it's not what I want. Idk...I'll go on another date with her but I don't want to hurt her feelings,

[LaLa]

I can relate to what you want and how you feel about the special feelings and the fact that for her it doesn't seem very special, ... Actually, I'm very similar to you in many of the attitudes you described here. The difference is that by a strange coincidence, which is still "hard to believe" to me, I was lucky and find "the right guy" (we were best friends for half a year (and had a huge correspondence!) before we started to "date" - to hug and then, later, to kiss, so... this is a bit similar to your previous relationship...). So... when I try to imagine what could be the best way for you, based on these similarities between us, ... I'd say that you shouldn't force yourself to anything, just because so many others say "just have fun for a bit and whatever happens happens". As for hurting her feelings; it's possible that when the whole prospective relationship isn't (at least so far) so very "serious issue" for her, it shouldn't be so hurting to her in case it wouldn't "work" (in case you'd decide to break up after some time). She's already "survived" 5 break-ups and it seems that she's quite fine (-didn't develop any "issues" due to this), so... Moreover, you would hurt her by lying and then saying the truth or by saying her some ugly things - but that's not something you're planing to do . From how you appear to me, you'd be able to break up with her gently and without offending her, so...

How would you both feel about getting to know each other much better before starting anything sexual (more than cuddling)?

Anyway; good luck with the next date!

[Bestcobra]

Well she's coming over here tomorrow just to spend some time at my house and we're just gunna watch movies for a while and cuddle more. Which is great, I love the cuddling part and honestly my ex wouldn't even cuddle with me as much as I wanted to when we was together. When I was at her house we did a bit more, because there wasn't much else to do. Which, I should have been being a lot more romantic and not only wanting to lay in bed all day when she was here...but I know that's a part where I screwed up last time but I was more worried about her not liking what else I wanted to do than just doing it. There was a lot of romantic stuff I wanted to do that I didn't cause I wasn't just being myself, which I'm always just gunna be myself around anyone I'm with from now on to cause that from not happening. It's better if they don't like the way I really am than if they don't like who I'm pretending to be, when they could possibly like how I really am.

And that's another thing, with the type of people I normally would want to date I need to be able to have conversations with them and actually talk about stuff that matters to me, as well as them talking about what matters to them. And I don't wanna just say this girl is dumb or anything like that, but she can't really hold up a conversation very good. But she likes watching horror movies and cuddling during them And I love watching horror movies but I always have to watch them alone. So really...I guess I just spend time with her until I feel like doing more. But I feel like she wants me to kiss her and honestly it might disappoint her if I don't. I don't want her to think she's ugly or something just cause I don't kiss her...So what do I do if she actually tries to kiss me and I'm not ready for that? I don't want to just push her away from me and say no. Cause if I tried to kiss a girl and she actually pushed me away it would mortify me honestly and make me feel completely horrible.

When I was with me ex, we actually talked about it and she said that she would kiss me before I kissed her so I didn't try it at the wrong time or anything and so I wouldn't get so nervous and probably not be able to. And I REALLY wanted to kiss her and it would still be so hard to make myself cause I thought even after she kissed me that I would do something wrong or try to kiss her at a bad time and she would get mad at me and push me away. Honestly even after she let me feel her chest, and even after the point that we did oral stuff it was still hard for me to kiss her and I loved it, I'm not really sure what it is about me that makes it be so hard. Her kissing me was honestly my favorite thing and i couldn't get myself to kiss her that much.

I just hope it goes alright and that she doesn't try to kiss me tomorrow...I just hope we can get to know each other more. Thanks for talking to me so much about this so, it's honestly really helpful just to have another opinion.

[Cece.dedesl]

Sometimes you need to jump off a cliff before you grow wings....

Low self esteem causes people to react with reservation. They lack the confidence to seize the moment. Unfortunately, moments in life pass quickly.

A kiss is intimate, but it can also be a small gesture to convey that you're interested.

[Bestcobra]

Not really sure how the jumping on the cliff before growing wings goes here =/ If I kiss someone when I don't want to that's just a forced kiss, and kissing someone is the hardest thing for me cause i just feel as though I'm gunna screw it up and the person will hate it, even if it's someone I really want to kiss.

[Cece.dedesl]

The jumping off the cliff statement simply means.... Try kissing her, you may find that the kiss may put some of your insecurities at bay. Sometimes pushing through and just doing what makes you uncomfortable can erase or at least ease some discomfort.

[Bestcobra]

Well that was over a bit ago anyway, I felt no connection to her whatsoever and I'm not someone to just go around kissing people I feel nothing whatsoever for. I would be just as well off going up to a stranger and kissing them. And from what the girl said I would have been getting cheated on so me not kissing her was best.

[LaLa]

Hello, B.,

I'm sorry I haven't post here for a rather long time - I hope you don't think I don't care anymore...

How are you?

Take care!

[Bestcobra]

I'm as ok as I'm going to be I guess. Just trying to accept the fact that I can't change certain things about myself and that most people don't like them so there's no point in me really looking for anyone that will. All I can do is try to make the things better that I can change and a long time down the road hope someone likes me the way I am. I probably can't trust anyone in a relationship again anyway so maybe I'll try again in a few years or something when I have my life in order more. Or maybe I'll just adopt a kid and stop worrying about finding someone to be with altogether.

[malign]

You know, even if you accept there might be things you "can't" change about yourself and that "most" people don't like them (both of which can be questioned), I don't think you have to conclude that there's no point in looking for someone who will. In fact, it makes a certain sense that the more difficult a thing is to find, the harder you'll have to look for it, at least if it's worth having.

I understand that it's painful, and that being depressed makes things seem like 'never' and 'forever' (they call it "awful-izing".) I think that there just possibly might be a middle ground, though. I don't think you've ever mentioned whether you've talked to a professional about how bad you feel?

[Bestcobra]

No I've never talked to a professional about it, but either they'll give me drugs that I do not want, I know it works for some people but I'm not taking drugs for my personality. Or they'll either tell me what's wrong with myself, severe depression, bipolar whatever they'll give me some list of everything they find to be wrong and they'll try to tell me what to do in my life to try to make myself happier and how I just have to accept the things that I can't change. And I'm already trying my best to change the things in my life that I can change, and I'm already trying to accept the things that I can't so there's no point in going to a professional in my opinion. The people here can give me just as good of advice if not better, plus if a professional actually tells me something positive about myself I would believe them even less than other people cause it's their job and it's what they're supposed to do.

And the things I can't change are mainly physical things and a few mental things, for one I'm extremely jealous in a relationship and I'm also very honest and I don't like hiding my feelings from someone I'm with, if I do that then I'm not happy with them anyway and there's no point in being with them if I can't be myself. But being jealous to the extent that I am is something that I've tried hard to change, I can lie and always say I'm not but at some point it'll get to me too much. I don't try to stop people from doing anything, I just simply tell them that I'm jealous and that it'll stay that way when someone I'm with is around other guys and a lot of times even friends that are girls. Yes I know this is very stupid of me, I would change the way my mind works like that if I could but it's just how I am. It has nothing to do with the fact that I think someone will cheat on me I trust the people I date not to cheat on me if they tell me they won't but the thought in my mind that another guy would even be looking at someone I'm with gets under my skin too much and of course I know there's nothing I can do about it, and even with friends I get the thought in my head that she'll start wanting to spend more time with a friend and like them more as a friend. Which when I'm dating someone, I also like to be their best friend not just someone their dating so I guess I sort of want both positions in someones life and don't like the thought of them ending up liking someone else more than me in either way.

And what I mean by not trying to find someone is that I won't just focus on that more than anything else in my life, if I just meet someone and start to like them then sure maybe I'll think of being more than just friends but I'm not going to try to just find someone to date anymore like I have in the past. I've been doing that for way too long and considering I'm single now it hasn't really helped, sure I met my ex which made me realize a lot about myself and taught me a lot so I don't regret trying it before but I'm done doing that now and I'm just focusing on what can actually make me happy with myself in the long run, and not just trying to find someone else that can make me happy.

[malign]

That's an interesting image of what professional counselors do. I've rarely been able to get one to give me a straight answer about diagnosis, in fact, much less a list of "what's wrong with me". See, good counselors know that there isn't a single fact that they're going to be able to tell another person about that person's life. We each know ourselves best, and are the only people in the world who can change ourselves. They may be able to offer the benefit of a different point of view, though.

They're not really there either to give advice, or to list their clients' positive qualities. Instead, for me at least, the benefit is similar to what I get here, supportive listening with occasional encouragement, but with the added benefit of having the listener trained, and then real-world-experienced, in the kinds of things that people do with their pains and fears and hopes. People do some amazing things to themselves, in trying to protect themselves ...

There are definitely things that the therapist can see that I can't: I'm too close to the problem. Hell, I am the problem, usually. :-)

Well, not _I_, but some part of me. And usually the problem is in how the parts of me interact inside, rather than any one part that I can point to and say "you're wrong." The goal is to reorganize how my parts interact. Or you could say, reframe some of my less productive thoughts, or you could say, come to terms with my unresolved feelings towards my parents. How you say it is a matter of theory, and there are lots of psychological theories. Not because some are right and some are wrong, but because some theories work better for some people than others. See, we're back to the fact that, at the end, it's us doing the work on ourselves. It's just that sometimes it helps to have help.

[LaLa]

if a professional actually tells me something positive about myself I would believe them even less than other people cause it's their job and it's what they're supposed to do.

This (as well as some of your other sentences here) sounds like from my diary before my therapy!!! I had got the same preconceptions, but when I started therapy, they all 'broke' and vanished quite quickly... I can only agree with M.!!

I'm just focusing on what can actually make me happy with myself in the long run, and not just trying to find someone else that can make me happy.

I like this position. It is surely important to find love, but... it's even more important to be able to be "happy" (let's call it like this) "by one-self", not waiting for another to "make us happy", as others are not here "to make us happy". It's great when you don't enter a reationship with such a dependency (like "I need her because in other way, I could never be happy").

Good luck!!!