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Really concerned now, at breaking point!


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Sorry for the incessant posts over the years, I have just been feeling awful. This week has been terrible I've been crying all week and feeling like an awful person. We had to call the CPN out on Wednesday, and I ended up going to hospital in the evening. I talked to a psychiatrist and she calmed me down and gave me some sleeping tablets (because I hadn't been sleeping for a few days, or eating) but everything has flooded back. I am constantly worried, constantly searching online for some sort of answer. As you may know from my previous posts I have been diagnosed with OCD. I'm currently on 50mg of sertraline (only just re-started this week). I am fixated on the fact that I am a sadistic child/animal abuser, because of things that have happened in my past, things that worry me about my future, and also adding everything about my personality up. I feel very vindictive and controlling at the moment, and I just wish I was never born. So, I'm 18 now, when I was a little younger (13-15) I used to really hit/beat our dog, and I would squeeze its paws and hold it's nose to stop her from breathing. I used to enjoy this, as almost find it pleasurable. I can't remember how long this went on for, but for a while. I really didn't like the dog (in fact I don't like dogs now, I love cats though) and I took all my anger out on the dog. Also other things, like I used to pick on my cousins, and pinch them and in a twisted way enjoy hurting them.

Now I'm stuck on the past. I feel quite impulsive at the moment, like I'm going to lose control and do something wrong. Like the sadism is just lying dormant ready to crack at any minute. My worry also stems from my bitterness. I can be very angry and cynical, especially when I see other people succeeding. I read online many people with personality disorders are like this.

This all started from looking at a picture of my cousins baby. i got this feeling, like I wanted to hurt her, and I couldn't work out whether it was pleasurable or not, but now these feelings and thoughts are just making me anxious and nervous, and worried about my future. It's like I enjoy hurting babies and animals (although I don't do that, well not now). This stuff just keeps running around in my head, and I feel like I'm just afraid to admit who I truly am.

I've stolen before, and I've done stuff and not felt guilty. I sometimes feel like the only person I truly love is my mum, and I feel like I wouldn't ever be able to love anyone else. I have BDSM and foot fetishes, and all sorts of sexual fantasies, which I enjoy but they worry me being linked to personality disorders or serial killers.

I honestly dont know what to do about this. I keep looking into my past and finding things I don't like. I have told this to the psychiatrist and my mum, and they both keep shrugging it off, but I'm really concerned here. I'm also concerned that taking the sertraline is going to block out the worry and guilt and show a side of me I don't like/show my true colours, revealing who I really am.

I can't live like that. I just want to be happy and healthy, not twisted, bitter and evil!

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The intrusive thoughts you've been experiencing seem to bring up many new fears and concerns for you. I know you feel worried, CB, but is it possible that worry itself is where the actual difficulty is? Maybe the medication will help to ease your distress over this? I'm sorry this continues to cause you such pain. :( Can you sit with worry for a moment and try to breathe through it? If this doesn't help, maybe doing something relaxing or distracting would. Exercise, a walk outside, meditation or anything that you find offers you some relief could be helpful. We are here to support you too, if expressing yourself helps.

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I'm sorry, I can't remember what your situation is -- do you have a therapist as well as a psychiatrist? I think I remember you said there was a problem about that. . . Now that you're 18 is there any way that you can look into that again?

I don't have OCD or intrusive thoughts but maybe some of that is due to (old-fashioned) inner conflicts and feelings that you could understand and deal with better if you talked with a therapist.

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I have told this to the psychiatrist and my mum, and they both keep shrugging it off

Was it during your acute crisis in the hospital? Well, if yes, then it's rather natural that the doc tried to calm you by telling you that it's not that bad. (And your mom can be in a kind of denial - it can be certainly hard for a mother to admit that her child can have such difficult problems, so her opinion is not very valuable here, although it's great that you have her love and support - you surely need them.)

As DD asked; do you see a doc or a therapist now, on a regular basis? This is a problem needing much work, much time; a short intervention in a hospital can only help to save your life in an acute crisis, not solve the problem. So I hope you'll reach out and talk to a professional and will get a therapy you need...

Good luck and take care!

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