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Something's terribly wrong with me


justfornow
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Hello,

My name and whereabouts are not important but I'm in distress.

There's too much to unload and I'd hate to write down all the things that disturbs my inner-peace, or what's left of it.

I'm 24 y-o, soon to be 25, really. If it matters, I'm not from the US.

I'm always trying to look on the bright side but it is extremely difficult.

My short life and miserable childhood have brought me nothing but a complete lack of trust in people. It would take me forever to trust and open up to someone.

I think I have some real anxiety issues. I get all sweaty just being in public, I'm not to keen about my appearance, and I'm having the hardest time to converse with people (friends or strangers). There's so much going on inside of me but I don't show it. I have to over-analyze every single detail of what has occurred, have a deep and thorough inspection from every possible angle.

I barely have friends. Scratch that. I have no friends. My friends are what you may call "Facebook friends". I feel so alone and I'm having hard time bonding even with my family. I know this may sound strange but I do have a dog. Which I'm grateful for him. I love him so much. There's little love in my life. I haven't mentioned... I'm gay, and have no experience with men whatsoever. I can't even bring myself to think of going out to public places.

I find myself crying for days. I can't even stick to my job, which I started just two days ago. I panic. I'm scared. I even ran to the bathroom on my first day. Crying. Because everything is so weird. I'm so weird. I can't even tell what's wrong with me. I just keep crying and crying. I'm scarred of everything that is new. I can't take it much longer. What's even more painful is that I know I can't bring myself to commit suicide. I'd hate to think what that would do to my family and the very few friends I have.

I have no one to talk to. I'm taking some classes just to take my mind out of things. Classes that might help me with a carrier I tend to pursue... but all of this seem bleak. I don't know what I want from myself anymore. I'm so confused and the lack of sleep is driving my crazy.

I hide it very well, by the way. You couldn't possibly see there's something wrong with me. Nor with the fact that I'm gay. I'm not ashamed of it but no one else knows. I know things can get a lot worse but the pain I feel right now is so immense and I feel I can't confide in anyone. I'm trying to see ahead, trying to think of stuff that would make things better - but those things are too far to reach right now and I'm sure I can carry on.

I'm sorry for ranting on-and-on. But, really, I don't think I deserve this.

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Just because things could be a lot worse doesn't mean we aren't entitled to try to make them better ...

Hi 'justfornow'. :-)

I'm sorry you're in such distress. I know what it's like to be uncomfortable around people, and depressed, and even suicidal. I even had a time when animals were my best friends, too. Luckily, most of those feelings are in the past, which should be hopeful, because if I could do it, anyone can. :-)

Have you ever considered talking to a professional about how you might change things in your life?

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