Jump to content
Mental Support Community

So many problems..


Needingsupport
 Share

Recommended Posts

I don't even know where to begin. I guess I'll start with this. I'm a 30 year old male suffering from depression, social anxiety, small penis syndrome, possible c-PTSD (undiagnosed). I've never been to therapist out of extreme fear of talking to someone face to face about what's wrong with me and what I've been through.

I was sexually abused by a male cousin when I was a kid. It left me so very confused and shamed. I remember it made me feel so cut off emotionally from everyone and I'm pretty sure that was the start of my social anxiety. Puberty and teen years made things a whole lot worse for me. I was teased alot at school which added to my already worsening depression/anxiety. Adding to that was the fact that everything but my penis was changing in puberty. I remember thinking, "okay we'll maybe next year will be my year that it grows" but no, it just never happened. This was the icing on the cake for me. My depression and anxiety basically took over my life at this point. I was able to repress the emotional feelings from the abuse but not having a normal penis was too much to handle. Had a hard time making friends and the few I did have weren't very close ones. I always felt like the spectator in the group, just sitting there listening with very little input on my part. I stopped doing things that I used to enjoy, like sports, because of my incredible fear of change rooms and the thought the someone would notice how small I was. It's a fear I have to this day. I started becoming addicted to porn and masturbation as a means to deal with the pain I was in. I started noticing it just made me feel worse but being an addiction I couldn't stop. I've kicked that addiction about a year and a half ago with one minor relapse but I have it under control now with no plans on another relapse.

I grew up with an alcoholic father and a very shy/reserved mother. They both loved me very much and still do but the pain of my dads addiction lays deep inside me to this day. We never talked about emotions or feelings as a family so everything that's wrong with me, including my abuse, has stayed hidden from the light.

I went to my family doctor and talked to him about my depression and anxiety but didn't really get into detail about where it stems. He put me on cipralex 20mg daily, which I've been taking for the past year and a half and is ultimately the reason I've been able to give up my porn/masturbation addiction. However since I gave that up, all of these feelings from my past seem to be resurfacing, forcing me to spend countless hours trying to make sense of it all. My meds were helping with my depression until these feelings started coming up, which I think is why I relapsed to masturbation. I made a choice and decided I wasn't going to give in to that easy, temporary escape anymore but now I'm left feeling broken, ashamed, guilty, sad, angry, scared, alone. I have a spouse of 6 1/2 years, who knows about my depression/anxiety but not from where it stems. I've left her cut out from that part of my life because I'm not capable of dealing with these emotions outside of my own head. I want to let her in though, my problems have taken its toll on our relationship and I fear her leaving me. I don't know how to open up to her about this.

I can't afford therapy at this point so I bought a couple self help books along with massive amounts of reading online. It helps to know I'm not alone but it doesn't get me to point where I can talk face to face about my issues. I feel like I'm living in a bubble, in hibernation and cut off from reality and the world. Stopped seeing my few friends years ago and scared to try again. I just don't know what to do anymore. Suicide has always been in the back of my mind but slowly creeping it's way forward. I hate myself for even thinking of it and the guilt of leaving my spouse, parents and kitties behind is overwhelming. I just want to be happy and healthy and normal but it feels like I was never meant to be.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hello, NS, and welcome to our community. :)

You've been through a great deal in your life. :( I'm sorry for your pain and sadness.

I also think it would be good to share your struggles with your wife. I understand this is difficult for you. Maybe you might start by honestly expressing to her what you just expressed here, that you aren't sure how to open up to her about this?

Do you get out and socialize with your wife at all? Being in social situations might help you to challenge some of your fears.

It's good that you reached out here today. It is a place to begin expressing yourself. We are here to support you, NS.

Take care.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You hurt. It's okay to hurt. Feeling pain and sadness doesn't make you weak; it makes you human. All of us are human, NS, and all of us struggle in some way. Abuse can have a long-lasting impact on one's emotional health. I'm so sorry you went through that as a child. :(

I think that vulnerability can be quite beautiful. It feels frightening to allow, I understand, but it's something that we all share. All of us have vulnerabilities. When I sense this in another, I feel honored that they allow me to see this, and I want to take care of that person. I think when I am witness to another's vulnerability, I become in touch with my own vulnerability, and I then feel a connection with that person. Shared humanity.

How is your relationship with your wife? What are your fears in this? Maybe if you can address your fears, it will be easier to be open with her?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Our relationship is strong but it has been suffering the consequences of my illness. She is there for me and tolerant of my ways but it's draining her and I can easily notice it. I hate that my problems bring her down with me. I was able to open up a bit last night though. I told her about my sexual abuse. It was so hard and I actually had to write it down because the words just wouldn't come out. She was very understanding and supportive which made the situation a bit more bearable. I worry that she will only be able to handle so much though, so I didn't want to overwhelm her with the rest of my issues. I don't like keeping things from her because she deserves to know the entire me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Big standing applause for including your wife and telling her the root of your behavior.

I know you said you can't afford therapy but it is truly amazing what people can afford when they make it a priority.

My mother and her sister were both sexually abused by their father. My aunt went to therapy and worked out her issues. She has a 30 year marriage under her belt, very well adjusted. Great relationships with family and friends.

My mother chose not to go through therapy. Two divorces, no family relationships, her friends are always short term. Her children barely communicate with her. She is a shell of a person. Reclusive socially and destructive in her relationships.

You have to understand, you did nothing wrong. You did nothing to be ashamed of, you did not do anything to justify the abuse you suffered. You can overcome it, you can gain power from experience and turn that negative experience into strength.

Good luck, you already showed strength by opening up to your wife. I hope you can continue on that path.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you for your support and for sharing your story with me. It means so much to me. I really appreciate the fact that even though I'm new here, I've had two complete strangers who care enough to accept me for who I am and support me without the slightest bit of judgement. It really does mean the world to me. I am working to overcome my fears and fight my way back to some form of normalicy. Your guidance and kindness are not overlooked in my eyes. I desperately need a form of friendship as I've let all of my friends fall to the waste side as I battle through this. Thank you so much. :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

NS, there is nothing you've done that requires acceptance and certainly nothing anyone could pass judgement on.

You didn't do anything wrong at all. You were abused. That's not your fault. You didn't create the problems caused by this abuse. Your abuser did. Your abuser is the one who should feel guilt not you.

You're doing all the right things. You're opening up to your wife. You've found a safe haven to discuss your feelings and you're building a support system. You can overcome this, I have faith in you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you cece. And Irma, I'm glad I could make you smile. I've gotten to the point in my life where I either give up hope or strive to make the changes that are nessicary to move on and regain control. I've always given up when things got to difficult to handle, given in to the addictions that have plagued my life, but that has only made living more unbearable. I owe it to myself and my wife to fight through this. Your support means the world to me. It will be baby steps but I'm ready to start enjoying my life for once!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi NS. I think it's good you want to open up about your struggles with your parents. I hear that it is frightening for you. Is there some activity you and your parents enjoy doing together? A walk outside? A game of cards? A shared activity might help calm your anxieties before you begin talking about this. You could start as you did here by expressing that you wish to open up to them, but you aren't sure how to and it feels frightening for you. You can see how they respond to the suggestion and take it from there. It's very courageous of you to express yourself and share your pain. I hope your parents are supportive of you, NS.

Take care.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm not doing so well tonight. Can't stop thinking negatively. I've been latex off of work for three months because of renovations and all the alone time is killing me. My wife works tomorrow all day and I'm already dreading the silence. I try to keep busy with reading and playing my guitar or spending time with my cats (they are my therapists) but I still get overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions. Most days alone I end up crying but I'm so tired of it. I don't have friends to call and I'm scared to go see my mom because I will just start bawling in front of her and I don't want to worry her. I don't know what to do I just want this to stop. I know I'll be better atleast somewhat when I go back to work but that could still be a couple weeks. My anxiety keeps me from finding another job in the meantime. My thoughts won't go away and they leave me with a pounding headache. Then I end up chain smoking which just adds to the headache. It's the one addiction I can't seem to shake. I try to think positive about the addictions I've given up but the pain and guilt and hatred fir myself is too much and I just get even more depressed. I'm sorry for ranting but it's the only way I can cope right now. I just want to stay in my bed for the rest of my life.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's okay to express yourself, NS. I'm sorry you're feeling sad. :( Can you go outside and take a walk today perhaps? The fresh air always seems to help my spirits. Do you like to read or write? I'm not sure what you might enjoy, but it could help to do some things that relax you. I have been meditating too, which seems to help. I hope your day is serene.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you for replying. I had a very hard time getting out bed today. Finally forced myself to around 2:30. I took your advice and got out of the apartment. Went to a relaxing place by the lake and started re-reading my cbt book. I feel better today than I did last night but I'm finding it exhausting trying to maintain a hopeful outlook. It's funny you should mention meditation as I just started reading up on mindfulness and lovingkindness as well as breathing techniques to reduse stress and anxiety. Haven't put it into use yet but I plan to. I've also decided that it's time I make an appointment with my doctor to see if he can refer me to a psychotherapist that I can afford or one that is covered by provincial health care. I'm very nervous about this but I know it's what I need to do. Thank you again for your continued support and positive outlook, means a lot to me :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So I finally made an appointment with my doctor. I'm nervous but hopeful in getting the right help. I hate feeling so vulnerable and have tried my whole life to keep from this feeling, but that got me nowhere. I realize now that this is the only way I will move forward. Unfortunately, knowing this doesn't make it any easier to face. Very scared.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's great that you made an appointment, NS. I understand that vulnerability can be frightening. I hope in time you can learn to be compassionate with your vulnerable parts. I hear that you're feeling scared. It's okay to feel frightened. I did too when I first went to therapy. It's courageous to face your pain and reach out for help. I wish you wellness and healing.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you Irma. I don't want to give up this time like I have in the past. If I don't start facing my fears now, they can only become worse. Time to start taking action and move on with my life the way I've always wanted to.

How are you by the way? How long have you been meditating and do you find it helpful in overcoming past and present traumas? I've only just begun. I find it very soothing but I have a long way to go before I feel it will be of any real help. Any suggestions in taming my wandering mind?

Take care.

Joe.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi, NS. Are you okay with my using your real name? You can use mine. I'm Beth. :)

I like your positive attitude. I think this will be helpful to you. Hope can allow a space for healing. Good for you.

I am doing well, thank you. Life is a bit crazy for me...lots of stressful things going on...but I am shining through at the moment. I will still have times of struggle and anxiety, though, too. I just recently started meditating, maybe 2 months ago. I think what it does for me is help me to have a clear mind to then confront what challenges me. It helps relieve anxiety and pressure. I also enjoy using the positive imagery. I do feel some effect for a while afterward. It is a self-care tool. It may also help with a wandering mind. Empty your thoughts. I'm still working on this myself too. I understand it isn't easy. What do you enjoy? Music, walks, poetry, time in nature, time with friends are what works for me. What do you think might work for you?

Take care.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

For sure, you may use my real name. I also enjoy music and find it very easy to get lost within a song. One of my few but true passions is playing guitar but I find if I'm not fully entrenching myself in it then I can't really enjoy it. I've had a difficult time lately clearing my mind enough to focus on my playing for more than five minutes at a time. I also enjoy nature and walking in it. I've been starting to go for semi-regular walks with my spouse, either through the woods or by the lake. Helps relieve some of the built up pressure. My depression and anxiety has kept me from maintaining my friendships, so I'm sad to say I don't really have anyone to call up when I have good days. That makes it hard for me to maintain my positive moods when they happen to arise. When I do find myself alone and lonely I try reading to pass the time. I've never been much of a reader until lately. My attention span has always been one where I just don't soak up what I read. Im trying to change that because I really want to expand my mind and bring back my imagination, and what better way than to try and picture in your mind what an author is portraying with words. These are a couple reasons I have been looking to meditation recently. I want to learn to shut off my thoughts and focus on the present. If nothing else, the breathing techniques are great for controlling anxiety. I want to learn how to apply it to everyday life and not just when I'm sitting down in meditation, but I'm positive that will come in time.

I'm glad to hear you are doing well and I'm sorry there's stress in your life. Your positive attitude gives me light and I thank you for it. I hope you continue to shine through those troubling moments and I will attempt to do the same. :)

Take care Beth,

Joe.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Joe. :) How are you feeling today?

Have you ever read The Power of Now by Eckhard Tolle? It's about being present in the here and now. Very enlightening.

That's awesome that you play the guitar. I enjoy most every kind of music. It sounds like you have good ideas about finding ways to calm your anxieties.

I'm happy I could shine a little light on you. :) I hope you are able to see and feel more of your own light on the path to healing.

Take care.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey Beth. I'm feeling okay today. Not great but not awful either. The sun was shining and it was a beautiful day so that helped. Got some bad news about my work situation Turns out it'll be a couple more weeks before I'm back at it due to setbacks with renovations, so that was troubling but it will give me more time to settle myself and focus on moving forward. My doctors appointment on Monday has me feeling anxious too but I know I can get through it.

I haven't read that book but I will look it up, thanks for the suggestion. There's a book online about vipassana meditation I've been reading. It's called "mindfulness in plain English" by Ven. Henepola Gunaratana. Very good read.

http://www.vipassana.com/meditation/mindfulness_in_plain_english.php

I hope your day was great and I look forward to hearing from you again!

Take care Beth,

Joe.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Joe. I'm sorry to hear about your work situation. I hope the extra time to rest helps you find more clarity. I agree that sunshine can lift the spirits. I usually walk with my daughter and our dog. The exercise and connection with nature helps me relax. I hope the weather stays nice where you are.

Thanks for the link. I'll check that out in between reading for school. It helps to have a break from studying. I'm very interested in mindfulness and meditation and spirituality so I should enjoy it.

I can understand that you feel nervous about going to the doctor. I was very anxious when I first started therapy, but it ended up being very helpful to me. It's great that you are taking a proactive step to help yourself heal. I hope it goes well for you.

Take care.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey Beth. Being off of work for so long really has had detrimental effects on me but like you said, it should allow me the time needed to clear out my mind and really find out who I am behind all those negatives.

It was another beautiful day today so I took advantage of it and sat outside with my guitar and continued writing a song. It was probably the longest amount of time that I've been able to focus on my music for years. I felt really good about it.

Although I'm nervous about my appointment, I look forward to it as well. I've let everything just build up over the years and completely take over my life. I'm not willing to sit back and let that happen any longer.

How long did it take you to become comfortable with your therapist and be able to truly open up? I've never been one to talk about what's wrong with me so I'm worried that I won't be able to just relax and talk. This is what frightens me the most.

Also, what kind of dog do you have? I have two cats and they are what keeps me going on those very bad days. I'm an animal lover to the core. They do more for me than I could ever explain with words.

I hope you had a good day, talk to you soon.

Take care,

Joe.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
 Share

×
×
  • Create New...