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On Being Terminated. . .


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I saw my xtherapist for 7 years and the relationship was terminated in August. It's a long story, but I was attached to my xtherapist and the termination has been a harrowing experience. I had a horrible day at work, I disappointed others, disappointed myself, felt stupid, etc. Now I have such an intense feeling of self-hatred that I feel like it is radiating around me, like a force field. This makes me think of termination, when I felt like my therapist truly hated me, and I'm not projecting. So, then I hate myself more if possible, because I made him hate me and terminate me. I am so tired of thinking about it, but it pops up in my mind at will. I felt helpless then, and I feel helpless now. I felt like I had no control then, and I feel the same now. I have a new therapist who is really good and hope to move past this some day (maybe years from now). I'm tired of being mindful and tolerating termination thoughts. I'm tired of thinking that my xtherapist was having difficulties of his own (which helps me feel empathic and okay) and that it may not have been all my fault only to then think that he hated me because of who I am (which fuels my self hatred). I'm tired of being massively angry at him, being ok/feeling empathic, then hating myself with a passion. I'm tired of pushing forward. I'm tired of feeling the pain of being rejected. I'm tired of intellectualizing it. I'm tired of feeling it. I'm tired of not having an ego. I'm tired of not fitting in. I'm tired of trying to fit in. I'm tired of my tsunami of pain. Thanks for listening.

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Maybe you have more of an ego (which is not a bad thing) than you think: look at all the 'I' sentences you just wrote.

I think you expressed yourself very clearly.

I won't try to say any of the conventional things, as I gather you're tired of hearing them. ;-)

I'm sorry you hurt, and I don't believe you deserve to hate yourself for being human.

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Hi Tsunami,

7 years is a long time to be in therapy with one person. Therapy is always an intimate and unique experience. I am so sorry that you are hurting. I can feel your pain and can somewhat relate to it.

Did your therapist explain to you at all why he is terminating you as a client? It is supposed to be a slow process, from what I read. Telling a patient out of blue that they cannot longer be seen by that therapist is unethical.

Did you ever think that the termination has nothing to do with YOU or YOUR issues? A lot of therapists don't know how to handle their own problems and unfortunately, this can and usually does, affect their patients.

I hope you will continue expressing yourself here.

Hugs to you.

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I can sometimes be set off by words. From therapy, 'transference' and 'terminate' were two of them. You used the word 'terminate' a lot in your post. What does the word mean to you? I think it's a poor choice of word to use for the end of therapy.

I'm not sure what happened, Tsunami, and why you stopped seeing your therapist, but I can tell it's very painful for you. I'm sorry for the hurt. :( I agree with Mark that you expressed yourself beautifully. How are you feeling today?

Take care.

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Maybe you have more of an ego (which is not a bad thing) than you think: look at all the 'I' sentences you just wrote.

I think you expressed yourself very clearly.

I won't try to say any of the conventional things, as I gather you're tired of hearing them. ;-)

I'm sorry you hurt, and I don't believe you deserve to hate yourself for being human.

Thanks Malign. I feel like my ego is very fragmented, though. I feel better today, but sometimes I have really bad days. I appreciate your reply:)

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Hi Tsunami,

7 years is a long time to be in therapy with one person. Therapy is always an intimate and unique experience. I am so sorry that you are hurting. I can feel your pain and can somewhat relate to it.

Did your therapist explain to you at all why he is terminating you as a client? It is supposed to be a slow process, from what I read. Telling a patient out of blue that they cannot longer be seen by that therapist is unethical.

Did you ever think that the termination has nothing to do with YOU or YOUR issues? A lot of therapists don't know how to handle their own problems and unfortunately, this can and usually does, affect their patients.

I hope you will continue expressing yourself here.

Hugs to you.

Thanks for your reply:) I do feel better today, I had a better day at work and felt more connected. Whereas yesterday, I felt like I screwed up everything at work, and things just went down from there. I see a new therapist now, and am trying to move forward and remember the good times with my old therapist, but I have days where I just can't do that. Take care:)

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I can sometimes be set off by words. From therapy, 'transference' and 'terminate' were two of them. You used the word 'terminate' a lot in your post. What does the word mean to you? I think it's a poor choice of word to use for the end of therapy.

I'm not sure what happened, Tsunami, and why you stopped seeing your therapist, but I can tell it's very painful for you. I'm sorry for the hurt. :( I agree with Mark that you expressed yourself beautifully. How are you feeling today?

Take care.

It was very painful, thank you for your reply. I had a bad day yesterday, so it brought up the termination stuff. I feel better today and hope that I won't be remembering things from the past. I hope I can enjoy the here and now. Thanks:)

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