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Am I messed up? Do I need help?


Spettigrew
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I'm a 17-year old male virgin (so keep in mind that any sexual activity I refer to is all masturbation and fantasy). I've often struggled with my sexuality. Ever since I hit puberty, I believe I had a kind of HOCD, as I would occasionally have graphic gay thoughts, and it bothered me as it made me feel very confused. I've since identified as a bisexual, though I largely lean towards heterosexual tendencies. Although I have gotten off to gay porn or fantasy, it was rare and I've never really felt attracted to a man in real life. The HOCD-type images still occur occasionally, however they don't bother me as much as they used to as I've decided I'm comfortable where I am right now and I'll see where I end up in the future. I also tend to have a somewhat aggressive sexual personality and enjoy thinking about one partner taking strong dominance over the other (begging, put-downs, etc.) This again doesn't concern me too much because I'm not really an angry person in real life and I believe that a sexual personality does not hold any bearing on how someone may act in regular life (as in, I don't believe my sexuality could ever become violent in nature). I have been engaging in something, recently, though that has me very concerned for my mental well-being.

I've been fantasizing about three TV personalities recently: Stan and Kyle from South Park, and Lisa Simpson. The first two things that jump to mind here are probably that A) They're cartoon characters and B) They're underage children (age range 8-10). Being attracted to a cartoon character, while not necessarily being "normal", doesn't seem like much of a concern to me as cartoon characters can be drawn as perfect and exactly what people are looking for (I've also read a lot online that people generally seem to agree with this opinion). It's obvious why I'm concerned about being attracted to characters being portrayed as 8-year olds, though. In my defence, they're all voiced by people well into their adult years, and aren't portrayed as typical 8-year olds (they're highly intellectual, and in the case of Lisa Simpson very philosophical and artistic, which all appeals to me). In fact, for Lisa Simpson, I would say my feelings are more in turn with the classic crush; it was her intellect that got me first interested in her, and I've pictured the romantic parts of having a girlfriend like her (note that I said "like her", I've never actually imagined dating Lisa Simpson) more than I have the sexual aspect, but of course a crush is going to have a sexual aspect to it and I've got nothing else to project that onto than the cartoon representation of this character. In fact, I don't feel attracted to any of them while watching the shows, and in my fantasies their bodies are developed more to closer resemble adult bodies, so it is possible I'm just projecting a personality type that attracts me onto the closest representation I've got. There's even a word for people sexually attracted to intelligence; sapiosexual. I also feel like I should point of that these aren't the only kinds of fantasies I have, although I will tend to go on binges with them and they will be the most common for a certain period of time.

However, and perhaps this is my pessimistic attitude or constant worrying about the future shining through, I can't shake the feelings that these are all rationalizations. Perhaps because pedophilia is so looked down upon in our culture (as it should be; I'm not arguing that), my brain is repressing my true sexual desires and trying to rationalize it through these characters. Where the characters are so close to the age where you start to learn about sex, in my fantasies I often have scenarios where one partner is very knowledgeable about sex and introduces it to the other oblivious partner. This is the part of my fantasies that most seem applicable specifically to children, however it could just be another expression of how I enjoy one partner having a dominance and power over the other, or that it is simply most young boy's fantasy to be simply introduced to sex by a more knowledgeable partner and not have to deal with all the turmoil surrounding it, or maybe it's just a way to inject some enthusiasm into the fantasy to make it seem more fun.

I guess the point of all this is, do these seem like warning signs of a potential pedophile, or does any of this sexual behavior or attitude seem dangerous? I just want to understand and feel a little bit more comfortable with my own feelings, and know whether or not they're anything to worry about, that I may need to seek help for.

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Honestly I would say it's really nothing to worry about at all but this is my own personal opinion. But online there are sites with "cartoon porn" of all sorts of stuff like simpsons and everything else you could possibly think of. And when I was about 13 or so I actually had a huge crush on Misty from pokemon and immediately started getting into all of that and Hentai and I honestly still prefer that a lot of times over normal porn or anything. Also there's stuff called lolicon and shotacon which lolicon is basically underaged girls in Hentai but they have lolicon mangas that aren't really all that sexual too but as long as you don't actually want to be with any children or anything like that I wouldn't worry much about it. Lolicon and shotacon isn't illegal at all and quite a few people like it actually and all it really is is underaged guys and girls, that's the whole purpose of it and if it's just fantasies of things like that then you really don't need to worry about it. Everyone has so many different fantasies, if it turns into actually wanting to be sexual with children or something then I would say look into it a lot more but at this point I don't think it's anything you need to worry about, I would consider it normal. I actually personally like lolicon, shotacon, yuri(girl on girl), yaoi(guy on guy), and a lot of other stuff that I used to consider weird. But I know I'm not gay even though I like seeing animated men together sometimes, I've never liked or been attracted to a man or boy in real life only animated things. So I'm alright with liking these other things as long as I know I would never want to be with a child or a man in a sexual way at all, it's just not something I've ever been interested in. Also, when it comes to these things I actually like women even in these situations to have small breasts, so seeing animated girls do actually turn me on cause they normally have very small chests or they're completely flat but still have a really feminine cute face. And if I see animated stuff with a really manly guy or much body hair at all I just want to look away, but when it shows men that are sort of feminine then it doesn't bother me the slightest bit. So in my opinion, you're perfectly normal. Also the part you said about someone introducing sex to someone that's oblivious to it, that's actually a huge turnon for me but that's also something where if I could find someone in my life that actually wanted to be with me and had no sexual experience and I could sort of teach them, I would prefer that in someone. So that's also not something to really worry about in my opinion, because to me seeing a girl start blushing about sexual things that she's not sure of and embarrassed about is something that I find very attractive. Hope this helped you at all.

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Sorry about the long wait in a response. Thank you, your comment did help. It just helps to know that there is someone else out there with similar interests who's comfortable with that aspect of their life. I've looked into this lolicon and other stuff since you mentioned it and it didn't really seem to do much for me, so I don't think it's for me personally. Thank you again for your response, though.

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