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It's kinda hard...


cryo994
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Hey

Some extremely general background first. As a child, in elementary school, I never had it easy, I was bullied for many reasons, even by my teacher, who resented me for not being a Catholic. The only real friend I had, moved away after a short period of time. After some time, I managed to fight off the bullies myself, and finally had a bit of peace, however, I never had any real friends, and never was respected.

As the time went by, I finished elementary school, and in the next school I thought everything would change - however, I got put in the same class as couple of previous bullies, and some new, worse. Thankfully, I became skillful enough to fight them back, they couldn't hurt me physically like they used to. I still was a shy, nerdy, unpopular, uncool guy. Through the time I spent in that school, I was working my issues out, changing internally.

The time I started acting a bit different came, when I moved onto the next chapter of my education. I still was a shy introvert, but my environment had changed dramatically, I chose a school far away, with minimal grades required way higher than any of my old classmates could achieve. I slowly started coming out of my shell. Day by day, I was getting slightly cooler, starting to talk with people, forget about issues, and gained tons of self-confidence. I didn't know yet who I wanted to be, but I wanted to be socially accepted. I started going to parties, having fun, living the life.

And that's where the important things really start. After some experiences, I started realizing who I was. I set my goal, self improvement. That lead me to where I am now.

I started working out and taking care of myself, so I can look and feel good. I realized I have a quite good fashion sense, and utilized it. I became more and more social. I strolled into the company of cool people, and was quite pleased with what I've achieved - after all, I took a 180 turn, without the help of a single person, without any support from other people, even my parents. I had nobody, except myself, so I made the best of myself.

However, I never had honestly fitted in any company, and never had any loyal, real friends. Let me split the people I know into two groups: Party People and Not So Popular people.

Lets start with Party People:

They are really fun to hang out with, it's the basis of my social life, you can always talk to them, they have a bigger distance to everything, don't take things personally, don't get overpowered with their issues. However, they are, really, bunch of mean people. I, myself, always found myself internally caring about other people, trying to help them, and generally - do the right things. We are different people.

Now, you'd think the Not So Popular people would be nice, a great company, sunshine and lollipops. And yeah, they seem so at first glance. Unluckily, most of them are that way, because they have issues, which cripple them, and when you really get to know them, they are a mess. Almost all of them, If they could and were strong enough, would hang out with Party People. And they tend to hurt more, it's like a payback for all of the bad things that happened to them.

I never chose any group of people above another, I may have an opinion about their behavior, but I never really judge anyone. However... I'm kind of a "psycho-therapist". I help many people, let them spill everything on me, and help them in working things out. I offer good advice, and care about them, no matter who they were. But...

I'm just a human being. I can handle much, but it's hard being a "sanctuary" for so many people. Especially since I myself, never had a single person that I could tell everything, never had a true friend and someone to care about me. I have to carry on, keep my head high and soldier on everyday, catch others while they fall, maintain positive attitude all the time. I'm a quite resilient person, but everything is sometimes too hard to handle by myself... I too got, cheated on, got my heart broken, got used by people who assumed that my niceness is a weakness, I've never had it easy...

I never had someone who cared about me, it's always me who's helping others...

It's hard being everything, alone:/

I'm writing this, because I just can't sleep today... I had to let at least some things out, at least to the void of the internet

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Hello, Cryo, welcome :)

I like the way you've written your "story" down. You've explained it very nicely.

I think it's very good that you've already realized your needs and you even know that it's not good that they're not met - that's the first step towards a change. You really seem like a very caring, understanding, and helpful person and that's undoubtly a good kind of character. It seems that now, quite many people like you. But it also seems that they all like you mainly because how you treat them, but not so much because "how you are as a whole person" - which is normal and fine with the majority of people we know, but everybody needs also somebody (at least one-two person/people) who knows him better, who knows also his problems, flaws, bad habits, ... and who is a source of support and care. So the question is, why you don't have such a close friend and/or partner. I'm pretty sure it's not because you're not "a kind of preson that someone would want to be so close with"! It rather seems that you don't let anybody to get closer to you. You can help others, but you don't allow them to try to help you. I don't say that anybody (/whoever) from the people you know would be willing and able to help you, but I'm sure some of them, or maybe just somebody else you haven't met yet, would be a perfect friend (or maybe partner) for you, wanting to do for you the same you can do for him/her. Your bad experiences with bullies probably made you very closed, very self-protected, which was great for protecting you from those hurting people, but which is still here, despite the different circumstances, and prevents you from really deeply close relationships. What you've experienced so far was a unidirectional closeness, which has also it's advantages, but as you've already realized, it's not something that could satisfy your needs (except for the need of being accepted and liked by others, at least for how you behave and how your treat them).

You've been very successful in your life and in the process of self-help, so I imagine that you have big chances to change this important aspect of your life as well. In case of longlasting difficulties, there are also options to get professional help with this change - I believe that a group psychotherapy might be ideal for you, because it allows to become aware of the typical dynamics between you and others, gives a great feedback about your behaviour, and represents an oportunity to learn to open up to others, to trust, to identify and overcome the obstacles preventing you to find a real interpersonal closeness...

What do you think?

(P.S.: Sorry for my English ;).)

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Thank you for your reply, I think you've nailed it:)

I do have one problem with what you've suggested. While the idea of having someone caring is really good, I unluckily tend to attract people with issues, who need help themselves. Every time I connected with someone, it quickly turns out they have a lot of problems with themselves.

For an example, my last ex. A pretty, bit shy, and intelligent girl, that had a more fiery personality inside of her. I got interested by the bits of her conversation I overheard, and started getting to know her. When I got to know her a lot more, it turned out she had tons of family issues, low self esteem and feeling of superiority at the same time, she didn't really like anyone who seemed to be her friend...

Another example - just now, I've started seeing someone totally different, I've changed my environment since my last GF. She's really well known, some hate her and some would like to have sex with her - many, at the same time. She's a lot more open in every term. However... even though I don't really know her much, many issues are quickly shining through her actions and personality. Current situation: The way she usually acts shows that our relationship is very important to her, she likes me and wants me to like her. She knows I'm different than the people she knew before. However... I don't think she can ever be faithful. On parties, she acts slutty and hooks up with strangers - and on the next day, she says to me how important I am and how she's not like that.. and she seems really, truly sincere. Note, that we're not in a relationship, I'm trying to slow things down so I can make up my mind about her. Tomorrow I invited her out, for a talk, so we can resolve issues I have with her. I know, it seem like she's a bad person for me... but I cannot help sensing that there's something good and extraordinary about her.

So, relationships don't really work out, so, how about friends?

Unluckily, everyone right now seems to be either 100% concentrated on being popular; or they're too focused on their passion to care about others ; or other things like that. Also, I don't really look like someone who needs anything from others. I'm confident, always positive, I have many "mates", I look good, I don't get intimidated by anyone, or any task, and talk laughingly about any issues.

..you know... I think I've just realized something. I can't show any weakness to other people. I can't be seen as vulnerable in any way. I don't think I could hold together, if I'd ever express the way I feel to someone I knew. That's why ended up here... it's easy to say those things on the internet, there's no way I could ever meet any of you, you can never be part of my life. I am unable to seem weak to anyone who's a part of my life...

You were right, I do have issues because of my history. I don't want to ever experience anything I used to experience, I don't want to be weak, embarrassed, vulnerable... I take no chances with other.

I... don't think I can change that. That would activate one of these feelings. I would lose what I have achieved.

I'm a screw up, and I can't help it.

You know, that post really ended up being different than I ever intended it to be. It was supposed to be a quick, short reply in which I thank you...

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You know... my self analysis is good and all, but nothing I said makes me feel better or results in anything, I accept everything I think up, and don't do anything about things...

I'm at a low point right now.

I'm miserable.

I have too many things on my mind.

I have problems with that girl, which gives me a headache.

And I seem to be so desperate for love, I do mental gymnastics, to make myself think that the person is right for me, just because I need someone...

You know, right now I feel like this thread should be in the "relationships" part of forum. Or lack thereof.

I need someone. Someone caring, warm, faithful, who's gonna love me no matter what... I seem to be the only person in the world who can feel true love for another being...

I hate myself right now, I hate caring about others, I hate that everything makes me miserable, while all others just don't give a shit about people:/

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Despite the fact that you don't feel better after writing this all, I'm pleased you did write it. I also think that writing more about what's causing your misery would be eventually beneficial.

I'm going to write/reply more, but in the meantime, you could read, for instance, this recent topic (and maybe add you opinion ;)):

http://www.mentalsup...age__pid__79502

I also wonder if you can relate to this:

http://www.mentalsup...-with-a-censor/

Take care!

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hello, cryo,

I'm very sorry I haven't replied yet :(... I'm thinking of you quite often, just haven't find the right moment to write you a longer text.

But you could post more about yourself, desipte my delay and the lack of other replies...

How about your current "girlfriend"? How was the dinner? Did anything change in your relationship?

I hope you are alright...

Take care!

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Thankfully, I realized in time that she wasn't a good person. I always think that everone is, on the inside, a good person, that there's always a ray of light inside someone, that I can find and love. I decided to stay away from relationships for now, and concentrate on my own passions and goals. Maybe some day I'll find someone who's inherently good, but until that time, there's only me. I think that people around me need to grow up and experience things, to appreciate who I am.

Also, I think that I'm going to stop partying for now, recently a combination of vodka and beer caused me to have a very low moment, and I'm sick of that lifestyle for now. I'm going to spend some more time studying instead,

Oh, and I'm in love. She has two wheels and a lovely engine ^^

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  • 1 month later...

I don't really know where to start...

Everything seemed to go right for a moment. Even though I sacrificed much of my personal time, I wasn't unhappy, I was studying, I made a lot of progress. I bought myself a motorcycle, which is a thing I love, and for some time it gave me so much happiness... evrything seemed to be moving in the right direction..

But now...

Every single exam I studied for, something went wrong. Things like, the teacher suddenly deciding to make everyone write the "extended" version of the test (that is usually only for those who decided to pass this subject on exit exams) ; got caught cheating (I know.. but I have too many exams to pass [since i switched schools and have different extended subjects] with just normal studying) ; Chemistry teacher (ex-alcoholic, thrown out of her previous school) doesn't like me, so she fails all the test I wrote (even though i was studying for whole days). My situation at school is grave. At friday, I was caught checking something in my phone at Chemistry lesson (I don't have the book i need, so i checked something in web), she gives me another F for that alone, then we come to the school principal so I have to sing off on a paper that i recieved back my phone (normally, the teacher just takes it, and parents have to come to take it back, but since I'm 18 I can do that myself). On the way, for some reason the Chemistry teacher starts arguing with me, the principal hears that and comes, a math teacher comes and says that I wasn't on his lesson (I had to sign myself up for a driving test, in another city, so I only managed to go on the last two Chemistry lessons), principal decides to call my parents to school........

I can't ride my motorcycle anymore, because it snows, so there my good mood machine goes.

My mother found out about my problems at school, she screams and criticizes me, says I'm worthless, she regrets spending any money on me, I'm an idiot, I don't care about school, that her daughters were so much better, that everone passes their driving test (for a car) and I didn't (which makes me not normal and worse), she doesn't talk with me.

When I came home on Friday, I lied on my bed in a fetal position for the whole day, felt a bit better afterwards. But I don't know what to do...

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I'm sorry things became difficult for you... I'd say that the problems you describe aren't "too bad", except for the attitude of your mother which, instead of being supportive and at least a bit worried about you (that you suddenly have problems at school), is so absurdly judgmental and harsh. Of course it would be much better for you not to fail exams etc., but being too much frustrated or even begin to make some generalizing and/or "catastrophic" conclusions could only make it much worse. You're certainly not an idiot or a worthless person, I hope you agree. What happened was a combination of bad luck (factors which you cannot influence) with... - with what? This is what you could try to do: To think out what might be the reason why "something goes wrong" more often. Is there something you could do to prevent this type of problems?

I wonder if it's related to the fact that you decided to join this community - to post about your problems. Because... it probably isn't a random coincidence. But you didn't come here to complain about school, so... Aren't your problems at school related to your overall feeling that you lack the support/friendship you'd need? Or it's rather the opposite: The focusing on school was helping, but as problems appeared (which is normal and happens to (almost?) everybody), you started to perceive the "deeper" problems hidden under the every-day little struggles?

You've mentioned, earlier, that you'd need somebody to talk to about your problems/issues, but can't find anybody who would listen and/or understand and help. In the meantime, you could try to share here what you need to. What do you think?

In any case, I suppose that focusing on schoolwork might be a good thing to do (it used to help me as well), but you need to avoid making dangerous conclusions based on the current problems, as that "you're not good enough to succeed" or "you're stuck in a bad luck and everything will be bad now", ... And the Chemistry teacher... Well; it's not very rare that a teacher doesn't like a student and so the student suffers from the consequences. What you can only do is to "play fair"; try to do your best, avoid cheating, avoid conflicts, to be able to have your conscience clear. You can't influence if (s)he likes you and what (s)he'll do, but you can influence how you feel about yourself and her and the injustices. Of course, nobody likes injustice, but... having clear conscience is more important than knowing that others are all fair to you, isn't it?

I also wonder why you "needed" to cheat; would it be so bad to have a worse grade? You're learning for yourself, for acquiring the knowledge, not for having A-s. Do you want to be perfect so that you would avoid the anger of your parents? It seems that your parents, or at least your mother, have "not very healthy" expectations from you, so... even though it's surely very unpleasant to listen to her blaming etc., I would recommend to ignore the pressure they (/she) are putting on you. You can do it; you can pass your exams, even if not having the best grades, you can finish your school. That's important. To have "faith in yourself" and to try, but without fears or anxieties about failure and injustice. I know it's much easily said than done, but...

Isn't there something which could bring you some joy in the winter, when you can't drive your motorcycle? Maybe this is a good opportunity to find something "supplementary"; a new hobby, or at least a simple activity (as listening to music, doing something creative, reading more, ...) which could help you to gain better moods...

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Hi Cryo.

I'm sorry your mother treated you this way. :( Sometimes people lash out at others out of their own frustrations. Her behaviors are about her and not you.

A lot of people fail the driver's license test the first time (or even a second and third). My son failed the first time too. Not unusual. It takes time and practice to learn how to drive. I hope you will be gentle with yourself.

School can be a stressful time, especially if you are taking exams. Maybe it would help to organize a schedule for study time? Sometimes it helps me to break things down some so I don't feel overwhelmed by all of the information and work. I'm sorry you've had a tough time recently. Do you enjoy any subjects in school?

What else is happening in your life? Do you enjoy any hobbies? I find that if I participate in leisure or relaxing activities that I enjoy, it's much easier to deal with the stress that everyday life can bring.

Take care.

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