Considering Suicide again

[Bestcobra]

I don't see a single reason not to end my life right now...I'm an absolutely broken and worthless person, I'm no good to anyone as a friend, lover or anything else I'm just here being a waste of space and causing everyone problems. It's impossible for me to trust anyone the way I used to, I keep trying to tell myself every day that I'll be alright and I'll get through everything yet I'm constantly just wanting it to all be over so nobody will have to put up with me anymore. I have nobody that I can tell in person about this and I don't have any friends at all. It's just all getting to be too much and I don't know if I can take it any longer I'm dying inside more every day and eventually I'm not going to have the slightest bit of will to live at all, I don't even know why I do right now. Please just help me get by today...

[IrmaJean]

I'm here listening, cobra. I hear that you are feeling very sad. I hope you can reach out to someone there. Do you have any family to support you?

[Lana73]

How are you feeling right now?

[Bestcobra]

I have my mom but I don't discuss these things with her and I never will, she knows I've been depressed but I'll never tell her that I've been this depressed and i have my own reasons for this so please don't tell me to tell her about it cause it won't happen. And no I can't go to a professional cause then she would find out meaning my dad would also find out, and if he finds out I went to a professional for things like this I seriously would kill myself so that's just not something that's happening. My father thinks anyone that would ever even consider killing themselves is a complete freak and he already hates the way I am and I get shit from him every day, I have to actually go help him work on his shed tomorrow and I hate even being around him. I normally wouldn't help him with anything but my mom asked me to so I'm going to even though she knows the way he treats me. I don't have any friends here, and I don't have anyone that I can talk to here about anything the only people I can possibly talk to are online and none of them really care either, I've tried talking to them and nobody wants to take 2 minutes out of their day for me.

[Lana73]

People do, care. There are just certain limitations when it comes to online support. And one of them is physically be there for each other, and this is something that you need right now.

I am sorry things are not lightening up for you. I hope talking here helps a bit.

[LaLa]

I care about you, too, B. I'm sorry I don't have anything useful to say now, but I want you to know that there are options also for you; you have chances to change your life, to get better. You don't see them now, but that doesn't mean that they are not available. Life can be ver painful sometimes, but it's most often in our hands - we can change it if we realy try. Mostly not very quickly and almost never easily, but... we can.

[IrmaJean]

How is today for you, Cobra?

[medlem]

Hello and wellcome to the club!

I couldn't let this be, just wan't to say that we do care.

I also know how it is caz I have been there too. There are no words to express that feeling I know. You need to be patient and don't listen to your father, he's not edducated enough to understand. I believe he wouldn't laugh if you did that.. do you think?

Take care and hang in there. You can talk to us. Because we do understand lol

[Bestcobra]

Sorry everyone for not replying....I've been doing alright for a little while and just haven't been on here much but today everything just hit me at once again. I probably won't do anything but if I do I'm sorry that I wasted everyone's time by trying to get you to help me. I really don't deserve everyone's help...

[IrmaJean]

Does it help to talk more about your feelings? Is there someone there with you?

It's never a waste of time to talk with anyone who needs support. You matter.

[Bestcobra]

I guess it helps at times, but no there's never anyone with me. And I can't talk about how I feel with anyone that I know in person anyway so someone being here wouldn't help anything.

[LaLa]

And would it help to write - a diary, for instance?

I'm sorry you feel bad again... I'd like you to feel you do deserve help, but I know it's hard to feel in the state you're in - in the state when you need it so much ...

[Bestcobra]

I'm considering just leaving the country and leaving my phone and a letter at my mothers house letting her know I left. I can't take these people around me anymore. It's the only logical thing left for me to do that might keep me sane at all. And I've tried diaries and stuff they just don't seem to help cause it's still only me knowing what is written down. I'm just so tired of the people that are around me, and I don't have anyone in my life that are the sort of people I want in it. The other night on Halloween I came extremely close to killing myself...the only reason I didn't is cause someone messaged me out of the blue and I didn't expect it. I can't deal with holidays anymore, they're the worst of all and if Christmas gets here and I'm still just in this same spot with the same people around and nobody else, I'm not going to be able to take it.

[malign]

I can understand your feelings about the people around you; sometimes the people around us contribute significantly to our stress levels.

But you have to leave the country to get far enough away?

Plus, no matter how far you go, you're still there. It's important to know whether you're trying to escape them, or yourself.

Still, if the answer is yourself, the solution isn't suicide (which is the ultimate trap for yourself); the solution is to change. The hard part is deciding how, and in what way.

Suicidal thoughts are the mind's way of demanding a change, when no one has listened to any of its earlier requests.

Listen, please, okay?

[Bestcobra]

I'm perfectly fine with being me, yea I stay depressed and sometimes it's because I'm me. But at this point it's more so the people around me, and the people that I don't have around me.

Even if I feel like I don't deserve anything and I'm not worth anything, I don't ACTUALLY want to die. I just feel like it's what would be best at times.

And maybe I wouldn't have to leave the country to get far enough away, but if I'm going somewhere I would rather not be here at all.

[LaLa]

OK; let's consider this possibility: Where would you go, would you have money to survive or a plan to earn them? You know; people sometimes do such abrupt changes - leave their home and start a new life, so it has to be possible, but... as Mark outlined, it can help only if you don't want to escape yourself... and I imagine it needs a good plan, but... maybe that's only because of my own character; there are people who can just go away without any plans and they survive and succeed to have/build a good life... (But I imagine for doing so, one shouldn't be depressed, as depression could be a too big problem - however, maybe you're not medically depressed, maybe you're just feeling depressed because of the cicumstances...)

Maybe it could help to write here about it - when one writes down the fantasies, he can better "judge" their potential (when reading about them after some time)...

[malign]

Very few people actually want to die. Most people with suicidal thoughts want change, and they're telling themselves in the most forceful way they know how.

Where it gets tricky is that we often limit the possible choices of what to change until it seems like no option will work. In my experience, that's depression talking, when you start telling yourself "it'll never be better" or "I'll always be like this". My counter is that, as long as you're alive, there are options. If you're dead, there may be options on how you're going to decay, but you're not the one who gets to choose.

You mentioned that there are some people around you that contribute to your feelings, and some people who aren't around. That suggests two areas of possible change: getting away from the former, and finding and gathering the latter around you. Too, it can help to write down the thoughts that argue against trying to change; you might be able to make progress by addressing those first. So, for instance, if you say that you can't move away because you don't have a job, then you could try getting a job. If you say that you can't get a job because you don't have enough education, you could try going to, or staying in, school, for a predetermined period.

No matter what you choose, it will automatically make you feel at least a little better, because you'll be taking charge of what happens, instead of letting depression keep you exactly where you are. And, if depression feels like it's stronger than you are right now, you could start with that: see a doctor, or a therapist, anyone who can help you not be depressed.

[Bestcobra]

Well see I can't actually get a job, because I can't drive. And I keep driving more and trying to get better but I still fail the driving test, the last time I took it the women in the car with me actually told me I did horrible and I need to drive for a lot longer before getting my license. This is also the reason that I can't go to a doctor, therapist or whatever. I have a bit of an education and wouldn't honestly want anymore schooling. But I could find a job if I had a license, but I can't seem to get one even though I keep trying.

And for an example, while I keep trying to get my license my mother is the one who takes me to try to get my license and when I fail she tells my dad who laughs in my face about it and tells me how stupid I am for failing it. This is the kind of behavior that I have around me that I can't stand anymore when I'm already in this state.

And LaLa I honestly don't know how I would survive or what I would do but I'm not able to do anything now so in my opinion it couldn't be much worse and I would be away from the people here. I would probably go to Japan if anywhere. Also I'm definitely depressed and I have been most of my life, this is something I'm certain of. I'm just trying to figure out the best way for me to deal with it for longer cause if I keep going the way I am, by the time Christmas gets here I don't think I'll be able to take it in this same place with the same people.

It's gotten a lot worse than it used to be though, it's gotten to the point where I self harm now and I used to hate the thought of even doing it so I never did. Not because I thought it was wrong or anything like that but just because I didn't want more scars on my body than I already have, and now that I've started when I get in really emotional states that's what I do. Normally I would curl up in a ball for hours upon hours crying until I couldn't anymore or until I felt physically sick.

If I could get my license I think it would help a lot cause for one I wouldn't feel like I'm just completely stuck here and I could at least go places if I want to. I could meet new people while alone and things like that. It's just starting to seem like I'm never going to get it and the more I fail the more everyone looks down on me. I'm trying my best to get it but It's just not something that I can do so naturally like most people can.

Also what I meant by people that aren't around, is just the sort of people that I wish I had in my life. Meaning I don't honestly have anyone in my life right now that makes me feel like I'm even worth talking to or anything to that extent. So really I just have to try to find new friends or something, which once again is very hard to do when I can't go anywhere alone and meet people. Most of these problems are my own fault for not having a license, and I just can't seem to get it even with how hard I'm trying. It's just starting to seem more and more hopeless each day.

[malign]

Well, it sounds like driving is serving as a sort of Catch-22. If you "have to drive a lot longer" before you get your license, I assume that means your state has some sort of learner's permit, and you have one. In that case, can you spend more time practising? Sure, it probably means asking your mom and going places with her for a while, but that seems to be what's needed next. It's temporary, and it's a step towards what you want.

[Bestcobra]

That's the thing, I try to drive as often as I can when she's not at work.

[IrmaJean]

Would lessons be a possibility? I know they can be expensive. Is there a specific area you can focus on to practice? I got my license at age 18, but I never really drove until I was 26. You aren't alone. I hope you will keep practicing and trying. You can do it.

Take care.

[Bestcobra]

Honestly I don't even know what I'm bad at, the woman that was in the car with me just started saying a whole list of things that I did horrible at. Not to mention she had a horrible attitude and was looking at me like I was some mutant that she wanted to murder. And I don't actually know about lessons, and yea I don't really have much money right now for that but I don't really trust anyone but my mom to be in the car with me, anyone else yells at me for everything I do and I'm too nervous with anyone else. I do fine when I'm driving her...at least most times, but when the people at the license center or whatever it is ride with me they make me feel threatened especially with that sort of attitude.

[IrmaJean]

I can understand. I had trouble driving with both of my parents. My mom was too relaxed and my dad was a wreck. I felt very nervous with both of them. Eventually my brother taught me. I felt the most comfortable with him. It's good for you to practice with someone who you feel comfortable with. I'm sorry the test giver was so harsh. Maybe next time will go better. I hope you will keep trying and keep practicing.

How have you been feeling?

[thom1545]

Hello Cobra i thought i would jump in a say i know what your feeling being there myself. as for the DMV yes they can be harsh at times. oh we kidding most of the time! sometime it seems there on some sort of power trip....you know how it goes give someone the power to drive or not. think its call the god complex.. lol sorry i love picking on the DMV as they failed me 4 times before i got a good one to give me my test...Dont give it to much thought it happens to alot of people but i got mine i had family or a friend give me a ride to where i had to go.. and i lived a great deal from town and had to walk or ride my bike to get there. not like there was anything really to go to town for in the first place. i did spend alot of time at the YMCA and vol my time at the salvation army... they did alot of things around the holidays that helped me deal with some of my day to day problems plus i made alot of friends there that where always well to listen to me.. and where always willing to pick me up to go there..needless to say i had loads of fun and i'm here today because of them people and most are still friends of mine to this very day....i hope this will give you something to think about doing over the holiday season...and aways remember to smile hard to feel bad with a smile on your face.