Individuality issues...again

[TimWake993]

Hello guys,

First of all i'd like to say i've been feeling much better these last couple of months, in part thanks to yours and everyone's support, thank you.

Now you probably remember that i've been struggling with a disassociation disorder...i thought that i had overcome it last summer. I really did. I finally started accepting myself for exactly who i was, and i started living my life as myself, instead of trying to become somebody else.

But a few days ago i had a relapse, or at least i think i did. I play a lot of video games, go on online forums, and so on. Obviously, i use a pseudonym to protect my identity, but for some reason a thought just popped inside of my head that this pseudonym that i was using was becoming my identity? I'm not really sure if it makes sense. Lets imagine that the pseudonym i'm talking about is TimWake993. When thinking inside of my own head, i would refer to myself, and speak of myself, and think of myself, by my pseudonym. I would think, for example, "I am TimWake993 and i like apples." Rather then "I am [my real name] and i like apples" or even "I like apples."

I'm not sure if any of what i just wrote makes sense. But basically i would feel the need to refer to myself by my pseudonym rather then by my real identity. Its like it had become my real identity. And i had become disassociated from who i truly am.

I mean, i was still myself, i still acted, thought, spoke, and was in every way like myself. But why do i refer to myself by my pseudo when thinking in my own head? Is it truly a relapse of the disorder? Is it just me obsessing too much or something? Is it normal? Feels like everything's coming apart for me again.

[finding my way]

Hi TimWake, I'm sorry you are in distress

Were you going through some anxiety before this started to happen?

Maybe your activities were about trying to distract or soothe yourself, and then it got a little dominant?

In any case, I hope you can do something for yourself that is relaxing and soothing, to see if you can calm your upset. From that place, you might find a different perspective on this...

[TimWake993]

Thanks for the reply.

No i was feeling pretty much normal before it all happened. Its like this idea that i was disassociating from my real identity came out of the blue, it scared me, and i just lost the grip on myself mentally.

It just feels like this pseudonym had become my new identity. I wasn't myself anymore, it wasn't me living my life but TimWake993 was.

And i do think that i know what to do now...i simply need to remember who i am, i need to remember that this is my life, not TimWake993's. I need to stop referring to myself by my pseudonym and use my real identity itself...and remember that a pseudo is just a pseudo.

I don't know, i just feel shell-shocked and unsettled that this is all happening again.

[TimWake993]

Sorry for the double post, just would like to share something.

Tonight i feel like i am just overreacting, and jumping to conclusions. I don't really know how to put it...but is there anything wrong with referring to yourself by a pseudonym? I mean, as long as you and the pseudonym are one, as long as it doesn't become a second identity, a second personality?

I do think it is weird that i constantly refer to myself by my pseudonym rather then my true identity...but tonight i'm thinking it might be just a bad habit that i had gotten into? Nothing more then that? And that all i need to do is kick the bad habit and remind myself that a pseudo is just a pseudo...

I don't know, i feel confused.

And its also very frustrating because i feel like one way or another i know what to do going forward, i know how to act to not let this be a problem anymore. But i can't move on until i figure out why i had that mental collapse of Monday.

[finding my way]

There are many steps along the way to figuring out a workable identity for oneself. There's you, then there's your understanding of you. I think we have to accept that we will never completely understand everything about the mind; it is too complicated. We can figure out enough to get by on though.

Do you have a therapist you work with?

How are your friendships going?

Relating to others, having positive interactions, even negative interactions that we learn from, can contribute to understanding ourselves.

Relating to ourselves improves with positive relating to others.

You were relating to others through a pseudonym. How did that go? Was it confusing? Maybe you need a stronger base in relating to others just as yourself?

[TimWake993]

Thanks for the reply.

I've been doing a lot of thinking (hard not to when you're feeling like crap) and i feel like i was indeed making out of my pseudonym my new identity. Its like inside of me i had become "TimWake993", and that was my real identity now, and my real self, my real identity had stopped existing. I don't know if this has anything to do with the dis-associative disorder i thought i had overcome last summer, it doesn't feel like it but there are similarities.

The frustrating thing is that i've been doing all of that unconsciously, i really thought everything was fine, normal, and under control up until that night where everything just went wrong and i had a mental breakdown.

All of that being said, i feel better, i think that by now i fully understand what the problem was, and what i need to do going forward to not let it happen again and go back to being normal. I still feel a bit unsettled inside of myself thought and its driving me crazy, but hopefully everything will be fine soon enough.