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Just another pocd or something worse post ..


Mazemind
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Hi , I frequently look at these forums as a guest and decided its time I made a post myself , I'm posting becuase for the last three months I've had an intense worry that I may be a peado (I'm sorry for the slang I just find it hard to write the full word). I'll tell my story from the start, I'm 16 years old and had a good childhood,my dad was a bit distant and he and my mother used to fight/split up quite a lot , but I always used too think of it as their own problem and if they needed too argue a lot then that was there own problem not mine. I used too be bullied a little at around the age of 9 but it was nouthing serious and I never felt it affected me so anyways childhood was good. Now when I was 15 I looked at a stupid video that was kind of wrong, and no it wasn't any type of (C.P)I could never look at that type of thing it would kill my soul. But I got aroused by this video,however after I had seen it I thought screw it , that was weird but I was 15 and stupid and it's not my type of thing so I went on with life for months going to party's , being with girls the usual stuff of being a teenager, then one night I just began too worry about what I had seen before thinking how weird was I and couldn't get the thought out of my head that I was some kind of pervert, this constant am I or aren't I thinking plagued me for a week I couldn't get out of bed for two days becuase of my depression, I was throwing up from worry aswell.i finally told my mum who was very understanding and she knew I had nouthing too worry about although I couldn't just take her word for it straight away, my mind just contradicted any rational thoughts I had with rediculous intrusive ones but eventually I got over this episode , and then on the day I finnaly felt better again i joked aloud to myself "well that was stupid , what next ? Am I genna start thinking I'm a peado haha" but then I felt like the thought just clicked and I felt ill again it was just a mixture of anxiety and horror what if I actually was a peado , I had too stay In for a week again, I avoided kids in real life and ones on t.v and in magazines, just kept worrying I was genna start feeling some kind of arousal. For about 10 hours of the day I would be on the Internet looking for evidence of me being a peado or if it was OCD , getting relief that I wasn't then my mind just contradicted this and made me feel bad again, I then contacted a therapist who I told my story too an he said it was textbook pocd this gave me relief but then the horror came back again. I have a history of obsessing when I was 14 I feared I was homosexual and would look on the Internet all the time for evidence if I was but I finnaly said to myself that's it ! If I'm gay then I'm gay I'm not beating myself up over this I finally stopped obsessing and two years later I know I'm not homosexual , I also have rediculous superstitious rituals that make me panic if I don't preform them, I also became obsessed that I had been spiked with drugs and my heart was genna fail and my brain was going to bleed , i got heart palpatations and pains and severe migraines becuase of this I wouldn't do any physical exercise becuase I thought my heart was damaged , I then finnaly got too the doctors he laughed and told me I was completely fine and it was just severe anxiety although I didn't really believe him my symptoms subsided after he had told me this , I also suffer from severe panic attacks and anxiety induced I.b.s The fear of being a peado comes and go's I can go weeks with nouthing laughing at myself for being stupid telling myself it's just OCD the intrusive thoughts I'm getting aren't mine they come from no where but then there will be weeks where I feel suicidal , I'll walk in front of cars without looking and be reckless in general becuase I'll believe I don't deserve too live if I am a peado and it would be better if I was put on an island by myself. Now let me also just say due too my constant checking on the Internet I have come too the conclusion I do not hate peadophiles , saying they all should be shot etc is ignorant, no one would choose to be that way and the goverment needs too work on things on like prevention and support rather then after something bad has happened. I do hate molesters however , I am a very honourable person I like too think. And before all this rubbish I was a very good boxer and had my heart set on joining the fire service too protect people but now I just fear I'm going to harm them. my mind is just in a constant struggle somedays I'm fine I can make jokes about how stupid I'm thinking ;other times I'm suicidal and see no future for myself. In my heart I'm 99.9 percent sure I'm not a peado , I'm completely attracted to woman , I have sexual experience with woman , I couldn't live with myself if I was a peado , but I don't understand why I constantly worry , always checking my groin area for any response or feeling , worrying if I'm loosing my love for appropriately aged woman , being ill from anxiety etc. ok that's my story I'm sorry if it's just constant rambling my head feels like a hamster wheel, and I apologise for any terrible spelling this post was rushed. Also just incase it came across as I did I do not have any hate for homosexuals or celibate peados I understand we don't decide what we like in life. The point of this post is too just ask do I sound like a peado or not ?

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You've already been diagnosed as having POCD. You know that your mind is giving you irrational thoughts although it seems to be the intrusive thoughts that determine your behavior. You perform rituals to keep the panic away. You're attracted to women (I'm assuming women your own age). To me, you don't sound like someone who is attracted to children.

Your therapist said you sound like a textbook case of POCD, and based on what you wrote I believe him/her. Are you still working with this person? Has there been any discussion of medication?

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Thanks for the reply , when I say I'm attracted too woman I do mean my own age or older. When I spoke to this counseller/ therapist there was no talk of medication, but we only had one session , Id go properly too the doctors but the nature of my worry isn't exactly something people speak about. I just hate it being in phases one week it's in the back of my mind but I can shake it off and laugh at it but the next week I'm completely depressed about it. It's usually triggered when there's something on the t.v said about child abuse and if I don't keep myself busy it gets worse. If I go out or something in town then usually I'm relaxed thinking see look your outside plenty of people around and your not attracted to any kids but then I can be at a family friends with a kid I've known since they were born , never worried by them before but now I panic and will try to avoid them at all costs making sure I don't look at them in any way I get annoyed and worried if they even come in to the same room as me , I keep worrying aswell that if I keep saturating my mind with all these horrible thoughts at age 16 my mind is just going too think they are the norm and embrace them which I don't want too happen , all my family do know about these problems I'm having and they do reassure me I'm just panicking over nouthing , but I just never have any solid evidence for I'm not a peado or I am

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You said you have no solid evidence for if you are or are not a pedo, but what I can read from your posts is you've got a doctor's diagnosis of POCD and you are not actually attracted to children. This would suggest that you aren't. What evidence is there that you are?

You also said that if you keep saturating your mind with horrible thoughts your mind is going to think they are the norm. I wonder if that is likely when you are already aware of them and labeling them as horrible. What could happen though is you train your mind to worry more and more, making your POCD even worse. This is where professional help can be especially useful and it sounds like this is impacting your life to such a degree that help is warranted. I know you said people don't talk about these kind of issues but you can talk about your anxiety and rituals, etc. without going into thoughts of pedophilia if you don't want to talk about that.

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Hey again , I understand what you mean when you say if I'm not attracted then I'm not a peadophille and I definitely agree that when I have my stages where I feel good kids don't really phase me too much Im wary of them but I think hey I'm not attracted so it's all good , but when I'm not feeling too good i just feel (without trying to sound weird) sensitive its like my body will just react to too anything , like a time bomb kinda thing. For example being a 16 year old male it's not really that hard for me too get turned on so if I get a random errection my mind will highlight the fact that there's a kid over there and that's what gave me an errection but I find that hard to find true but there's no solid proof of why that couldn't be a possibility , but also I have no history of any peadophillic tendicys with out sounding arrogant I was really popular at school , a class clown on loads of sports teams and had relationships with some of hottest girls in my year , peadophillia is the worst thing I can think of for me , before all this came on , when I was at the beach I'd never get why parents would let there kids run round naked or why boys in my school year would date girls in younger school years it was always weird too me , I'd always be the one who said once your both over 18 an age gaps not really a big deal but under 18 I would find a bit wrong , I think my biggest problem is I'm just sitting here waiting for me too become a pedophile all the time so one little abnormality , groinal response , intrusive thought etc that a normal person would just let go over there heads I kind of let stick to me and its like a snowball effect and now it's just become too much , but also I think my sexual preferences wouldn't have just changed after one horrible thought when I was 16 , but then recently Ive noticed the horrible thoughts don't sicken me like they used too , I think this Is was what I meant when I don't want too overload my mind with the horrible thoughts then it just changes too enjoy them or something like that , but I think the reason the thoughts don't sicken me like they used too is becuase they've become like a routine of my day to day life and instead of always worrying I just get angry that I have them so like I,ll be hanging with friends enjoying myself and I'll just get a thought and I think or sometimes say out loud "oh fuck off I don't need this right now" also I just want too add I'm not officially diagnosed with pocd I haven't been too see an NHS qualified therapist yet , the guy who I spoke too was an OCD specialist but i dont think a propper doctor , (where i live the classifications might be a little different) and his diagnosis was textbook pocd he deals with hundreds of these type things all the time. This should all be reassuring for me I guess but I just poke a hole in any positive explanation I get. I guess at the end of the day it's only me who will ever truly know and I'm sure if I had a normal mentality I wouldn't even care enough to keep thinking about everything over and over again but I also don't like the thought that what if I'm in denial and just use OCD as an excuse too myself , cheers for listening anyway Ralph your an awesome person for helping me out with this mess

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Good luck with the therapist. Let us know how it goes.

Also one thing that occurred to me is these thoughts are just that- thoughts. They can't really do anything to you if you don't let them. With OCD and anxiety disorders it is easy to get overwhelmed by our thoughts, but we always have the option of talking back to the thoughts or just noticing them and getting on with our day.

For example I have intrusive thoughts about suicide, and my therapist said to say something like, "That's stupid" to the thoughts when they bother me. I prefer to be a little less aggressive and just say, "well there goes that again" when the thoughts come up. They come and go but definitely are less of an issue for me now, which may be due to this technique or it could be just because my psychiatrist finally found a medication combo that works for me. So this may or may not work for you but basically the idea is to change your thoughts by noticing them and trying not to be carried away. When we get carried away more energy goes into the obsession, making it stronger.

If we find a way to not put that energy into the obsession then it gets weaker but this takes work and patience.

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Hey haven't replied for a little while had family stay over for a couple of days , was like hell , one of my cousins is pretty young so i just spent all my time avoiding them but it's stupid becuase I don't feel anything for my cousin ,that is just rediculously sick and I know this in my head but the "what if ?" is so strong that i just become crazy for example I wouldn't touch any food that I knew my cousin had also ate , I couldn't touch door handles that I knew my cousin had also used they finally left today which was pretty good , also yesterday I was getting a bus too a nearby city and there was loads of young kids sitting on the seats in front of me the whole journey I just had my head down staring at the floor , but my anxiety was sky high I was just sitting there thinking oh my god I'm genna get an errection , I got a weird feeling in my groin but I'm pretty sure it wasn't any type of errection i guess a good thing about the bus journey was the fact I did find the kids really annoying and I don't think a peado really would want the kids too get off the bus becuase they were screaming and running around. I think another good thing about going out yesterday was seeing loads of woman that I do think we're hot , obviously they were my age or older , I'm still suffering from this constant doubt tho , I was buying things yesterday and then when I got home I was just thinking what is the point in buying this stuff my life is over anyway , although when I was buying clothes my main reason for buying them was would this impress girls (again I mean my age) so I guess that's good . I just hate waking up in the morning at the moment , that's when I'm at my worst , I can only describe it as thinking you just woke up from a nightmare only too find your actually living it , I definitely think this past week has been the worst it's ever been but it's also funny that this is the week my college has broke up for halterm break , and I've noticed my problem always gets its worst when college is over weekends, holidays etc maybe this is becuase I'm not distracted or I just have too much time too think when there's no college. Also I was just wondering if any one or even just Ralph could describe what attraction is like for them becuase I'm just sure I'm not attracted too kids I've never thought that I would like to date a kid for example , or have long conversations with them over dinner etc the source of my worrys is that what if I find them sexually arousing... So I'm genna describe what I think attraction is: for example when see a girl who I think I'd click with I just think wow she's hot and then she'll just interest me like I'll just wanna speak to her and be around her , it's kinda like this just warmish feeling in my chest and it's awesome. But Ive only been in a serious relationship once and at the time that girl was the girl of my dreams but she cheated on me and I'm over that now and this was about a year ago before all of this worry I used too be the guy who was like I just wanna be by myself like I love woman but I'd never want to get married or have a family becuase I don't want too be tied down and this worries me becuase surely I should want a family but my parents just made it look like it was the worst thing ever , now I would love too have a son I think it would be cool too teach him things get him into sport etc but I could never have a kid now that I have all these worrys , imagine if I went through a stage like I am now and just became neglectful becuase I was scared to be around them no kid deserves distant parents. also when I see a hot girl my mind kind of clicks and is like yeah now that's what's good not kids now stop worrying , but when I see a kid it just becomes 1000times more sensitive I begin thinking am I trying to check them out , am I aroused , then an intrusive thought will hit me , I nearly fainted in a supermarket (think its grocery store in the u.s) becuase I had an intrusive thought but on the subject of intrusive thoughts Ralph your advice has really helped my method at the moment is too just kind of do reverse phsycology on myself like I will purposely think ok Brain you wanna tell me I'm a peado then yeah sure i agree , yes mind your tottally right why didn't I see this before. It's kind of like a sarcastic attack on the mind becuase if I kind of fake accept these thoughts then they can't negatively affect me its kind of like a You can't fire me I quit situation haha . I know I've written loads today so sorry about that think in genna go too the skatepark and ride my Bmx today it's a hobby I haven't done in ages as for some reason young kids think its a cool new hangout spot to meet with their freinds but I think I can cope today , it used to be a stereotype that our skatepark was just a place to do drugs and although it gave us a bad name at least it kept kids away but enough ranting haha , hope everyone has a good day too

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I read something interesting today , it was too do with checking and basically it stated that the less you check the less the minds grip on you gets , I consider these forums checking for me as I scour them for hours trying too find any post that is too do with peadophillia and pocd in a rubbish attempt to try and find them evidence that will help put my mind at ease , I only find happiness at the moment in the fact that my fears will some times leave me for periods and il Feel my attractions are completely normal , I really don't think my attractions would just change just like that either I honestly don't think I'm a peadophile but I have no idea what too think I'm just giving up hope now , my life is ruined is for good and I only have myself to blame i guess in one last ditch attempt to make myself better I'm going to try leave these forums alone for abit , the support ive received through forum and private message has been amazing , none of us deserve such rediculous illness or problems I understand that not every ones life can be perfect but still... I really don't think I'm a peado , i have no desire too look at anything online or try and inn appropriately touch a child or anyone for that matter, I know I'm attracted too girls my own age , I have sex with girls my own age , I've been in relationships with girls my own age , my problems are constant disturbing intrusive horrible thoughts and groinal responses that I have no Idea what they mean , constant anxiety. I've suffered from the fear of being a homosexual in the past including the same checking I'm doing now I have also sufferd health obsessions (fear I had damaged my heart) where I again constantly checked the Internet for evidence this Health fear also removed my peado fear however and my health fear was only stopped by a doctors reassurance witch , even then I still doubted. My homosexual fear only subsided when I finally accepted that I wouldn't care if I was gay anymore (till this day i Now know I'm not) I have also had a pocd councillor tell me I sound like textbook pocd. However all of this is not enough for my mind it still has me worry about being a peado , I would rather be a murderer then a peadophile it's my worst fear , i now have a respect for celibate peados becuase I have read their story's so many times online but I don't share there romantic love for children in anyway but I still doubt my self , I can't even muster up the courage to see a therapist becuase I'm just certain they will label me something i don't think I am which will then cause my mind to just say well if they say it then it's certain it's is true and I,ll be forced to contemplate suicide not like I haven't already but this time with no ember of hope left, I'm sorry I seem angry but I'm just living this life hiding away in my room searching the Internet for ten hours a day , coming across people's horrible storys of how they long too be with a kid or something like that or even worse I come across a peado who knows they are one but hates it now I don't know if they just hate society's stigma of peados or if they hate never being able too have sex but becuase they are worried my broken record player of a head takes this on board and just says look its you that must be you then I come up with evidence of why it's not me and then two seconds later my mind just crushes that evidence and the cycle repeats its self , I also hate the fact that I've looked up pocd so much that I just sometimes think I'm trying to use it as some kind of excuse becuase im in denial but I think with denial you still know deep down that you are what you are denying but with me I really have no idea , I didnt have any peadophillic troubles when I was younger so why should they just hit me when Im in the late part of being 16 I want girlfriends not "kid freinds" I don't think there's anything hot about a young person and and old person together , I think that porn where they try and market the actor as being barely 18 is wrong it's just trying to premote peado tendecys , I'm really sorry Im angry and have ranted today but I'm sick of being sick as to put it , I hate the constant anxiety , the depression , the suicidal thoughts, the throwing up becuase im so worried , I wanna look forward to things again I wanna think hey I wanna do that job when I'm older not Oh my god ! I'm genna be a horrible hated sex offender when I'm older ! Before all this happened i used to be one of those ignorant people , Hang all the peados, stop being a woman and get over it , be a real man etc ok maybe my broadend horizons are a good thing now , never again will I judge someone or make jokes at who they are , this world is so messed up we need to just band together and be more acceptong and who even writes these rules of normality becuase I'd really love too knock some sense into them and for the millionth time this post I apologise for the rant and anger i wish every one absolute piece of mind (every body is a good person in a way becuase who says whats good and evil) I don't know when I'm genna be back again I'm tired of it all now so if I never post back I've either jumped of a bridge or found the amazing ability to stop doubting and checking

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Stay away from high places (I taught myself that one by experience ...)

You have a point about "checking" as it relates to OCD. It's something we have to keep in mind, here at the site: sometimes replying to every post can encourage the intrusive thoughts rather than soothe them.

Suggestion: if you hate feeling like this enough, you'll try the therapy thing, and my guess is you'll find that the last thing they're interested in is what label to give you. But I won't convince you of that, either; in the end, you are the one who decides.

Take care.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Well hey guys I'm back again and the worries are all still here, I,ll update you on my situation I still have pocd worries and it's spiked a heck of a lot in the last few days , it's proberly at the worst it's ever been and if I'm honest ive just stayed in bed and looked at the ceiling for most of my time , the worries changed over the weekend but the peadophile worrys are now back and at their strongest but the good news is I'm seeing a councillor this week kind of nervous about that I know I'm not genna bring up these sexual confusion worrys , straight away , I don't want too say that I'm pretty sure I'm suffering with OCD either as I don't want the councillor just thinking I've self diagnosed myself for attention or too cover something up but still I'm kind of looking forward to someone being able too help me and clear my mind. Before I started panicking again this weekend I was doing well I didn't feel too much need to check forums , I took intrusive thoughts for what they were and was pretty good but now I'm checking again and today I was reading an OCD help post and it said people with pocd should try reading profiles of convicted sex offenders , as a kind of exposure therapy and too make you think your not like them etc , but now I feel 1000 times worse I just kept looking for simmilaritys between me and the offender and now I'm questioning whether I was aroused by the description of the despicable crimes , now I'm just worrying that I'm genna be one of these crazy psychopath , sex offenders , I definitely felt a groinal response but Im thinking it was just from worry and shock plus I read a really good post on OCD UK that groinal responses can literally cause arousal , I didn't get an errection today but I just felt really strange and it's worried the heck out of me , so anyways guys and girls that's my update wish me luck with the councillor I,ll tell you how it goes :) just worrying the councillor will think its not OCD dont know what id do then

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Maze, don't worry too much about what people think. Okay, maybe it's impossible not to worry too much at this point, but bear with me.

Your therapist won't mind if you tell them what you think is wrong. Given that your first sentence takes up half a dozen lines on my screen suggests that you might be on to something, guessing that you could be a little compulsive at the moment. ;-)

I wouldn't recommend to anyone who's obsessing that they spend any extra time on their thoughts. Exposure or aversion might work if you had a choice of your intrusive thoughts, but that's not really clear to me. Talk to a pro and ask them what might help; they'll know better than a random person on the internet (like me.) :-)

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hey guys thought I'd update on my situation as you've all been a big help. so I've seen the councillor for 3 sessions now , she's ok but only ever seems too ask me questions and then never answers mine haha ; she also never seems to acknowledge my OCD , I understand she's not a psychologist so she proberly doesn't know too much about OCD. However I do find talking does help, I've found the peado type worries are really starting too subside which is amazing, Ive come too the conclusion with the councilor that the root of my confusion and anxiety is the video that I had seen when I was 15 (I mentioned it in my first ever post) , I,ll proberly go into some more detail about this in a later post. Hope every one has an awesome day with some peace of mind -Maze

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