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Hello,

I am new here and just need a place where I can talk openly, privately and honestly. I have been battling depression, probably all of my life and I have gotten pretty good at hiding it from others. I don't take medication because I don't want to admit to anyone that I have this problem, this is also the reason I won't seek out therapy. Not to mention, I live in a small town, and I don't care how confidential they are supposed to be, it's hard revealing your deepest darkest issues with someone you run into at the grocery store, or end up revealing something about someone they know and are possible friends with!! So I don't want to talk to a therapist. This seemed like the best way I could get my feelings out without the fear of judgement.

I have actually been through a lot in my life (or at least it feels that way to me). Most of it I have NEVER talked about. I think that has messed me up a bit. I am married and I don't have a very healthy relationship. I allow people (especially my husband) to walk all over me. At one point I thought I found the courage to leave my alcoholic husband, but then we decided to try couples counselling. He ended up quitting WAY before me, he felt attacked and picked on. I couldn't fully open up (for reasons I mentioned earlier). However, I did try and follow my therapist's really great advise about our marriage and protecting my kids from some mental damage. Even though I know he was right, and I agree, I still COULDN'T follow through with most of it. I honestly feel like I am a lost cause, and that I have the inability to truly change myself enough to be happy.

I have my ups and my downs. I am in a down right now, and when I feel like this, it is like I am hanging on by a thread. The only thing that gets me through these times, is my kids and I always tell myself I will feel better later.

I don't really know how to begin.

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Hello, lost, and welcome to our community. I'm sorry you're feeling so down. :( I hope that you will be gentle with yourself. Depression can happen to any of us. Life can be challenging and painful. It's good that you reached out here.I hear that you feel uncomfortable about seeing a professional. I do hope that you will be open to the possibility of this sometime in the future.

The kind of environment you're living in can be so stressful. I'm sorry you are living like this. :( Is your husband willing to get help for his addiction? How do you feel about the marriage? Sometimes it helps to have someone standing by when there are difficult choices to make. I hope you have some type of support system there with you.

Take care.

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