Can it be just my anxiety?

[sadgreeneyes]

In the beginning it seemed like my boyfriend exhibited some signs of being abusive which he did but these signs can also exist in NON abusive men and these signs I saw has not been a pattern or been escalating. The latest two months I dont see any sign of him being abusive, except for him having a anger issue once because of my paranoid jealousy. It seems so weird because as times go by my bf seems to become nicer or more respectful and more into me and listening more to me and my needs. I dont see any signs of sociopathy/being a loser/control freak or whatever one can look for. My bf seems to be quite normal and it should make me very satisfied and happy and it does but when I am alone it sometimes makes me anxious. I guess its my paranoia as I have a tendency to think I never find a good man because of all the losers I have found and I sometimes get this feeling about my bf that "somethings not right". This "somethings not right" is typical to feel when/if you are in a r/s with a sociopath. But I know my bf is NOT a sociopath, at least I am very sure. He has feelings, empathy, laughter can laugh at himself, telling funny stories, not afraid of telling me about his fears and a week ago he told me for the first time he loved me and some days ago that he doesnt want to lose me either, that he would never have continued in r/s with me if he had no intention to marry me later. I told him ( and he knows well too ) that we now have a haraam r/s and how he could call himself muslim, then he told me yes he knows its wrong and felt bad about that, so he told me he wanted to wait and see if the person he is involved with is a good person and after some months he will marry ( we have now been in r/s for 4 months and things seems to only get better ).

So my main reason for writing here is even I get a feeling somethings not right, and this feeling is not often, its only when we cant see each other ( which makes me feel alone and not important and I know its my issues) , so I get this somethings not right feeling when he like calls and say he is finish work now and he is tired and will go home and eat and relax, then in an urge I get this feeling somethings not right and this is ridiculous to feel when all he does is calling and say this. We agreed just days ago that we would text and call when we dont see each other as it made me feel bad when he like doesnt contact me for 4 days. So him calling saying he will go home now and so on was just normal. Its just his voice yesterday made me anxious, his voice was not with anger or anything..its just that he sounded reserved...actually I get a feeling of a somewhat "cold OR decided authority. Its like he COULD have said "ok I will go home now dont ask me to come today...like he was short with me but he did take the time to ask me what I am going to do now this night, but also like he wants to hang up quickly. Maybe its just him being tired. The day before he was warmer when he called so when he sounds like colder it makes me feel anxious...a very unpleasant feeling, a bugging feeling. I have not been nagging or asked him to come to me for a long time.. its about 1-2 months since as I promised not to nag on him anymore, he said thank you I understood him and he said he understood me too that I wanted to see him, we know it will be better when his school finish til summer...I know its difficult having school and work...I would be tired too! When he didnt hear from me last weekedn he called wondering why I had not text him is he coming and why I had not called him and was blown off balance when I told him I was afraid text/call him as I was afraid nagging and that he would be angry if I did. And also I dont run after a man, he can come to me if he is into me. I didnt say that to him though.

So why do I get this feeling, can it be all my own anxiety and paranoia and fear having met only losers in the past? I am scared as my past has been very sad...

Also I dont know what is normal and healthy r/s, I know it by reading, but it feels unpleasant to me not seeing him more than I do, we see each other maybe 3 days in the week which is the weekends, he sleeps over and he is caring...just something is bugging me when I dont see him...maybe because I am used to losers who wants to rush things which I know is BAD. With once we are together all those anxious feelings disappear because I can feel inside of me that he cares, so I guess its my own issues?

The thought of what if he is a pathological liar scares me. But a sociopath is far from what I see in my bf. I guess my marriage to my ex narcissistic husband who was a marriage fraud has set deep scars and fears in me.

[sadgreeneyes]

Just like now I feel bad again. I texted him what he is doing, is he finish work now, he then text me yes I am off work now..thats all he wrote..

It feels so cold, I know he wants to get home and eat, maybe he calls me later, or this will be all he text me...doesnt make me feel good..

Its so weird because his work is 20 meter from my home...

tuesday and wednesday he finished at 6 oclock but didnt see me either of those days...I am asking too much if I would like him to see me on one of such days?

just to mention he did come to me before in the middle of the week ( like 2 months ago ) the day he finished 6 oclock, but not much anymore, makes me wonder if he knows I love him so he has started thinking its no big deal and takes me for granted??

and now I am wondering if I am misreading texts ( driven by my emotional state rather than reading the text rationally)

[frazzled1]

sadgreeneyes, it sounds as though you need a deep breath. Perhaps you are so intently looking for someone who is NOT your ex-husband that you are over scrutinizing this new bf in your life. How long have you been divorced? I am sorry you are having such a rough go at the new r/s. Do you have anyone to talk to? Have you ever thought about therapy?

[sadgreeneyes]

Thank you for replying frazzled, maybe I do what you are saying..I just want so badly to know I am not being fooled again. When I dont see him and I get this unpleasant feeling it makes me analyze things he has said before. Our r/s started great in the summer, but because of his silly joke that he had several wives and 3 kids and so on our r/s ended in annoyance for me ( after only 3 weeks) , which led me to ask him in annoyance was he married or not, he lashed out a yeah like pi**ed off, and even continued keeping this lie to himself for about 5 weeks more while he knew I had been crying trying to leave him or take care of my wounds not knowing what do do as I had feelings for him, while also telling me he liked it when I asked him how he could do this to me for so long and not say anything. He apologized but its hard to grasp how he was thinking when he could do this. I know now that it was an outburst of annoyance from him as he has this anger issues...but when I finally had enough of his seemingly lies like how could he marry me if he was married, then only when I left him and he knew it was over he apologized for his stupidity and took full responsibility for messing up. We continued our r/s and he has promised that everything he has said from that day are true. But this is one reason why I have been on guard. He has said he would go to the police station with me to show true to me he is not married. I would also be sure he wouldnt say and do all he has said to me if he really was married. There was a couple times he did show some disrespect ( thinking nothing about asking me to come to town and eat with him BUT then say can I or I have to I pay for us both because he didnt have money, I thought that was rude) and a few times he could seem slightly spoiled like me having to move something from the bathroom from him every time he wanted to take a shower when he could as well have done it himself and rather helped me a little, but this seems to have changed, he is much better and I wonder sometimes if he started getting fond of me 2 months ago and that his respect has increased because of that plus I am 10 years older than him and maybe he has become a little more mature being together with me. Then there was this episode while he was verbally abusive after my paranoid jealousy. Its not ok he called me crazy, stupid and sick, but he has admitted that small things sets him off..he has this anger issues. Beside this episode he is never abusive. He has started helping me more, like he is helping me with making food and is quick to help if I have pain in the back, he gladly takes over, he seems to do care about me more and more and a week ago he said he loved me ( once he said I am his heart, his love, his everything ) and when he is with me I really do feel he care and love me,he is affectionate.

I guess I feel or wonder if he is withholding when he is short over phone, its just a feeling I have. I am thinking if small things sets him off maybe he withholds engaging with me on purpose without any special reaosn, like being passive aggressive???. It sounds maybe silly of me to think, but its a feeling I have, this is the unpleasant feeling I feel sometimes. But it may be only my mind..like you say..me being too intently looking for him NOT being like my ex husband.

I have told my bf about what my ex husband did and my bf said he was not after anything money or anything. I said I know that. And he is not after marrying me quickly as to get permanent stay, he will in a few months search for permanent stay, has lived here soon 5 years, he has a job and is responsible that way...so there is nothing he gain from being with me, I would guess he is not using me for sex...because if he did he would be a sociopath if he can continue lie for months and now loves me...and as said he doesnt fit any signs of sociopathy, not loser or control freak either...

When my ex husband said he loved me I could hear there was no emotions behind the words, like they say they know the words but not the music...with my bf I hear emotions...at least I think so...its at least not like my ex husband with total lack of it..

I divorced 15 months ago and I go to therapy twice a month...but I wonder if I should look for another type of therapy as the psychiatric nurse is not a specialist in victims of abuse and so on..

I appreciate your view that it may seem like I am scrutinizing my bf...maybe I need to take a deep breath...its just a little bit difficult..I hope I will relax more with even more time..

[frazzled1]

Sad, I hope you will relax more with time also. You must be careful with your own attitude as well as that of other's. Certain character traits attract each other and you want to be mindful of what you are attracting-what kind of signals you are sending.

I have a codependent personality and often my need to help others leads me to some pretty shady people who only want someone to use. I question myself frequently about all of my r/s. Sometimes it help and sometimes it doesn't but I have an awesome circle of friends and family that help me to see things from the outside.

Do you have supportive people?

[sadgreeneyes]

Thank you frazzled, I try to relax and you are right its important to be careful with our own attitude and also to pay attention to others attitude toward us. I will try relax more. Having been a victim of a narcissist/sociopath makes people really vulnerable and on guard. Nobody wants their life destroyed in any way and not to say wasted months and years that only will lead to heartache.

I told my bf a couple weeks ago that I dont want to hear him say "f*ck you" to me again, he has had a tendency to say this for no special reason but its linked to me and I never say bad things when it happens..a few times it has been only out of the blue and I cant understand why he say such thing. He told me a couple months ago that his friends used to say this, maybe it is a bad attitude he has from them. It was most in the beginning he said it, now not so often anymore. Last time I cried over hurt feelings and told him to stop saying it and that I hate hearing it. He said ok. Then he probably felt bad and hold me and said he loved me.

Yesterday was odd...my bf came to me as usual and I dont remember how it lead him to say "f*ck you" again, but this time I said back to him if he say it one more time he can get the "f*ck out" I said it quite calm but with decision. I wanted to make him understand I dont want to hear it anymore. Instead of apologizing he made a deal of it saying it one more time. Alright so nothing happened except for him seeing I didnt throw him out of course and we both had to giggle a little, because we are not mad or arguing at each other but rather talking with emotions and sometimes we are able to smile while talking. But then I had to move from the sofa and it got quitet for a while.

So he refused to say anything for half hour, then asked me why I said what I said, I said because he said this bad words to me. He claimed its not to me, but who else or what else should it be. I asked him why he say such thing, he responded with saying he likes me to hear it. When I asked why he didnt want to answer, but had to hold back a smiling smile. I must say I dont understand it. It has at least never crossed my mind that this is a guy thing or something ( not that my bf has said that )

Then he told me to relax. After a while he started smile again. I just dont understand this, he is caring and nice all the time, but sometimes he say this whether it is to me or not. Why would anyone like their gf to hear this?

Like you I have a codependent personality,but I have become stronger and speak my mind when something is rude or inappropriate.

I have some people I can talk to. I have talked a little to my friends. They do listen and want to meet my bf and my bf is positive to this.

Sometimes I dont know what to think of certain things I see in him.

[sadgreeneyes]

I feel even more devastated...I called him just because he had not answered my one text for 2 hours ago, he sounded very sleepy but not sure if he was faking, I had to call twice before he picked up the phone so he might be tired of course. I understand that and he has work tomorrow.

We talked and he said he didnt have time more than he did see me, which is understandable but at same little weird as he just had two days tuesday and wednesday to come see me, ( he usually wont spend all sunday with me either ) and he admitted that yes he knew he didnt come see me those days and it was like not so good he knew that. His work is 20 meter from my home, he knows I would make food to him the food he likes and he would have a place to sleep, he could have very short way to work. He said I had to decide what I wanted, a couple hours at a friday and saturday. If I didnt want this little time we had as he knows I want to see my/a boyfriend more I had to find another boyfriend, he said. He knows I love him so it breaks my heart hearing him say so. I said no he must decide, but understood it is me who has to decide as he is the busy one. I feel bad because its not fun to FEEL being used for sex or just having sex as its only two hours I see him and then he sleep after sex but he is affectionate when he is here and seem to care, he doesnt just turn away after sex. So ok I said I understand him, he mumble he would come even we had no sex, well actually I am not sure if I heard that either, but he did at least say in all this that I will see him next week.

Ok, so over to what made my heart break...I mentioned nicely sadly if he did remember he said he didnt want to lose me. He said he didnt understand me so I repeated myself twice. then he said he didnt remember saying it

[IrmaJean]

Hi Sadgreeneyes. I'm sorry you are feeling upset and sad. I'm wondering how would you describe your relationship with you? I hope you are remembering your needs as well. What else is happening in your life? Do you have hobbies and interests outside of your relationship?

I hope you feel better.

[sadgreeneyes]

Hi IrmaJean,

thank you again for responding to me, I remember you have responded to me before long time ago..thank you so much!

I know my bf is very busy, he has school 4 days a week from 8-11 or 8- 12 and work 6 days a week, from 12-8 or 3-11, he is quite new at work and want to make good impressions and has school work, he is learning my language. He is tired and I understand. I am trying to support him and wait for him till summer and I am willing to do that, he has said he understand me and that things will be better when school finish.

I am not sure if my bf did understand me over phone, but I think he did because he is usually good at understanding. I am not sure if he actually said "he doesnt remember SAYING IT" but he did say "I dont remember". So I think he knows what he did answer on. It broke my heart as how can I ever trust him when he can say he doesnt remember something so important.

I text him saying how it made me sad, no text back. I guess he is to tired or ignorant to bother. So I text something to make it easy for both him and me. It did go like this :

"I just want to say a last thing. You do know that I love you. If you love me you can call next week. If you dont love me you dont need to call. But I do hope you call. Bye. Good night."

I wrote this because if he doesnt call I will just move on. Then I know he doesnt love me.

My relationship with myself is slightly better than it was, I have learned to value and respect myself a bit more than I did before, like I say right out to my bf what I want in life and what I dont accept, I have also taken a step in right direction not wanting to waste my time on someone who doesnt give back 50% in a relationship. I am not clinging and nagging or hold on to a relationship. I let the man work if he wants me. I dont wait for someone who ignores me like my ex narcissistic husband did. I know my bf have seen this in me, I did early on made it clear to him what I want and not playing any games. I made him know that I know what respect is and that I deserve love and seriousness. He seems serious with me and say he is. But I start wonder sometimes.

So I see some signs in current bf but I dont know what to think about it. So I text him saying he doesnt need to call if he doesnt love me. Its a way to try make it easier for me to deal with this bf, its a way for me to see is he trying to break up or is he into me. I have done this one time before with my bf because I thought he was scared to break up with me, but I was wrong. When we are together he really seems to care. But I must say that these episodes with him...first a big lie, then acting normal and good for 3 months then a verbal abusive outburst because of my paranoia and now him saying he likes me hear it ( him saying f*ck you" to me ) Its not really normal.

Well another thing was that in the beginning he joked 3-4 times about killing me but he stopped saying this around 2 months ago. He also said he would cut me in pieces and take it to the store, but that has also stopped long time ago. It was in a joking manner. But I have read online couple months ago that one should actually pay attention to jokes like these as its plain weird. I just dont know if he had a sick sense of humor at that point and nothing more than that.