I really need help

[itishard]

HI my name is myka and I am 16 years old I just poured out alot of what I needed to say and it took my like 2 hours but my internet crashed so I need to just do a quick list of what I need help with I hope I put this in the right category I just didn't feel like it fit into any specific one.

-Major depression

-Due to being extremely mentally and emotionally bullied by my peers, and mom. People who don't even know me made a facebook page called "The freak of ida baker (my school) where people would upload pictures of me they took behind my back and talk horrible thing about me. I have even heard school staff talk about me when they didn't know I could hear them. and excessive guilt and hating myself My mom calls me stupid, lazy, retarded, and said that no one will ever love me. And she wont stop comparing me to other people it makes me feel so worthless.

-Suicidal thoughts

-I even almost went through with it once the only thing that held my back was the guilt of knowing that at least one person would be hurt. I have had two friends commit suicide and my school has seen 3 suicides in two weeks so I have seen the effects of it.

-Self Harming

-Social anxiety

-I need to have major distractions to keep me from having anxiety attacks sometimes I even go to extreme lengths as to digging my nails into my skin so It doesn't turn into a panic attack.

-Paranoia

-Even with the slightest whisper or laughter i have to listen to it to make sure it's not about me. At it's worst I see and hear things that aren't there and I know they aren't but it's taking over my life.

-Anorexia

-For the past 3 weeks I've had anorexia and I hate myself for it. I'm 5'5 and 117 lbs but all i see when I look in the mirror is fat. I feel so guilty when I eat and my mom even called me fat yesterday. I have even stole some of her diet pills to do whatever I can to loose weight. -Lgbt -I like girls. My close friends know but my family and most of my community are extremely homophobic and I'm terrified of them finding out, they would kick me out and i'd never be able to see them again -Self-harming - sometimes I do it to check to see if i'm alive and not trapped in hell and other times it's to punish myself for thinking the way I do and having all of these issues -Very minor kleptomania

-Bipolar

-I hate this I lash out on people and I feel so extremely guilty for upsetting them which make me hate myself even more.

-Imsomnia

-I typically get 2 hours or less of sleep a night

And I can't get help, I have built my protective walls around me way to high and no matter how much I want help from people and to talk to them I just CAN'T! PLease help me it's taking over my entire life.

I'm almost having an anxiety attack simply from posting this, I have never talked to anyone about any of this so please dont judge me.

[LaLa]

Hello, "itishard", welcome in our community!

I'm pleased to see you succeeded to write this all (even more, before it was lost...); to open up for the 1st time! You really don't need to fear you'd be judged here.

I'm sorry that your life has been so very painful and your mother has always been so harsh, unable to give you the love and care you've always needed and been worth of ...

We are here to listen to you when you need to talk, we can answer some of your questions and maybe sometimes have some advises, but... the most important "thing" you need is a professional help "offline", "in person". I know it seems unfordable and impossible for you now, but let's talk also about this issue: Your protective wall, which helps you to survive in the harsh close environment but prevents you from getting the help you need.

I hope you'll post more soon...

Take care!