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My anxiety or not?


sadgreeneyes

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I can say so much that if he continue not showing me he cares about me the days we dont see each other it will be harmful to my spirit, it have started affecting me already, I hurt inside feeling unimportant. Invisible, non existing for him. Because just two days ago when he text me back...after I said I think he understands very well all of it, he said yes he understand good now what I mean ( me hoping for some texts from him some attention he show he cares and think about me ) still he hasnt text me anything from that day. ( Even this was my second attempt to say I would like him to pay some attention.)

Seems like he has his own life which he doesnt involve me in ( he share apartment at a friends house ), never ask how my day was or what I have done the last week. He talks only about himself, his language learning, what happened at work, what happened to him and so on..I always listen to him when he tells.

Last friday I attempted to ask him if he wondered what "I" have done that week, he asked what have I done, I said I have been at chiropractor again for my back, and been in town, he just said aalright little slow. No interest in my life it seems.

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Greeneyes, what I notice is that you often post responses to your own posts, as if you're spending all your time on these situations, and can't let them be.

If he's not the guy for you, it's okay to just say so and move on.

But if you spend all your time deciding you're not going to spend any more time on him, when do you spend time on yourself? Or, could that be the goal, to avoid yourself by focusing on the current boyfriend?

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Hi malign,

I am not sure what you mean responding to my own posts...I only respond to others reply and explain...I think?

I dont know what to do with this bf but it hurts me he is like this when he knows how much it means to me. Its up to him if he wants to start care, if he doesnt want then its his own fault not getting sex or lose me or whatever. He doesnt make much effort so why should I.

I will start focus on me because I am tired of trying...I give up..and its only 4 days now things has been so bad as now so I have left to see if he wants to take me serious. If not I will start looking for someone who does want me. I dont have my whole life waiting for a man who has his own life and wont share himself more than he does.

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I'm glad you see that I wasn't criticizing you. :-)

It just shows how much energy you are putting into this (and maybe by contrast, how little he is.)

Could you try whatever forms of relaxation, like deep breathing, might work for you? It must be very frustrating to stay connected to so much energy continuously. Maybe it would help to take a walk, or something?

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I know you wasnt criticizing me...no worry :-)

It seems like he just give a damn...sorry my words....but its not unusual that he goes 4-5 days without contacting me...he has done this the latest 2 months, this is why I had to tell him two weeks ago how it made me feel and we agreed texting/calling more..then it happened on friday he said those bad words to me and I said bad back as I dont like to hear f*ck you over and over again, he has said it 5-6 times in this 4 months, I dont know why, so he refused to talk after I said bad back...he went to bed saying he wouldnt talk before morning...he changed and I guess because he wanted sex and so it happen we had sex and everything was fine, but again he doesnt make any effort texting me.,,only said we would talk next week, ( after monday one day)...

Yes it is kinda draining me so I have had enough of using more energy....its just that it hurts,,,but I will try be busy and do things...he doesnt have to think I am only in my apartment or doing laundry or talk with my friend downstairs ( he said thats all I do, I am always in my flat )

I walked with my friend yesterday....a two hour long walk by the sea....that was good...:)

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Well I am just realizing that I did actually say something before he said f*uck you....maybe it was some minutes before...I mentioned he had not seen me either monday, tuesday or wednesday, he said yees he know ( like it wasnt so good ), so I felt hurt inside and then I said like wow thats great I´m so happy. I wasnt rude when saying it..it was more like singing a sad reality, I think he heard I was sad....do you think this can be the reason why he after some minutes chosed to say f*ck you" to me??? it took time before he said it and it wasnt directly related to me saying what I said...

I dont know because he has said f*ck you" to me around 5-6 times and the 4 of the times I never said anything that should make him say such thing..but maybe this actually did hurt him...anyway we made love that friday and everything was fine,..so maybe I should just wait and see...

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Did you do something nice for yourself today, SGE?

My h forgets my birthday at least half the time, and we've been married for over 20 years. Dates are just not his thing and I try not to take it personally. I know how much that can really hurt, though, I'm sorry you feel sad. :( You matter.

What brings you joy? Any hobbies or interests?

Take care.

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Hi IrmaJean,

thank you and for saying that I matter. It made me feel better...maybe he is like your husband that dates just are not his thing...he didnt even know he had birthday himself when I said to him he had birthday...he said who you? me? do I have birthday? :rolleyes: but that he doesnt remember how old I am after 4 months thats weird...

I havent done anything...just been inside looking some tv ( we have cold and rainy/windy weather here its best be inside :) ),but I must admit its getting lonely many times, specially when feeling so sad and forgotten by him, I have been mostly thinking today and have had it quiet because I feel so tired in the head...I hoped he would text or call but nothing yet...sometimes I am afraid he is a player...

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I have been crying..how could my bf hurt me so much and say he doesnt remember having said he didnt want to lose me. I think this will be very hard to forget. It was like a slap in the face. My heart sank that day.

Some weeks ago I had bought food for him and he complained about the knife I had and said arrogant "not like ( his home country, ( obviously meaning in his country things were perfect and obviously I didnt have it perfect since the knife was broken, funny the knife got broken after he touched it one day ) ( and you know he has anger issues so small things sets him off ),I cried and this was one of the days he said f*ck you" to me. Not related to the food or the broken knife, he just said it out of the blue, that he said "not like his home country" made me feel nothing of worth for him as a women, even I have offered to do much for him, but he doesnt appreciate any of it or want any of it. The one day I said I will make food for him if he want, then he said "now you are good" ( like now I was thinking right as he is hungry after work), still he hasnt shown any interest that I can make food for him and he sleep over here so he doesnt have to go home eating.

I am not going to do suicide, because I have learned from before, as I nearly died and I dont want that, but the thoughts have been a couple times in my head.

I am feeling a bit nervous too if my bf will come over soon because I cant continue without bringing these issues up again. Sometimes I get moments were I hope I wouldnt have to see him, not because I dont want to see him, but because after what he said "he doesnt remember" I feel just awful and it will be ackward to be in same room if he really has no care for me and still pretend that he does. Because that is how I feel now.

On day I said when I talked about him not paying attention ( think I mentioned his bad jokes too ), it makes us not get closer but just further apart, he reacted with still smiling and said really..like that was surprising..

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I'm sorry you are so sad and upset. :( I hear that you are feeling hurt. It's impossible to truly know how your boyfriend feels without discussing it with him. Have you shared with him your concerns and feelings?

Also, are you able to see how placing all your energy into this relationship leaves you with little for yourself? What can you do today to take care of your needs?

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Thank you for being here. I have tried twice as this was what we agreed upon him starting pay attention but he doesnt. I know that its impossible to continue the r/s without talking to him why he could say he doesnt remember. There is no way to be able to trust someone when someone can say he loves you, doesnt want to lose you and would never continue the r/s unless he had intentions of marrying me and then a week later he say he doesnt remember not wanting to lose me. I could never have said something like that to someone I had feelings for. So I am nervous because I know I need to bring this issue up too, when/if he comes over.

I dont have much family, my friends are busy, I am alone, its raining outside...its not much to do than to stay inside unfortunately. I try find some peace and think of other things, but its difficult because I hurt. All I have tonight is my tv, coke and chocolate :mellow::rolleyes:

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I am thinking about all this and I find myself confused and wonder if I am at fault for him withdrawing. Still I wont make excuse for him to say bad words to me, this is his fault, that he is swearing at me.

I came to think about I wrote on a piece of paper 3 weeks ago or so to take note of how much time he spent with me in the week. I had forgotten the piece of paper. 3 weeks ago I was quite happy because actually I could write he stayed over both tuesday evening, friday and /or saturday night and half sunday...I was thinking that time that this goes in the right direction.

Then he came on that friday were we had a little argument bad mouthing, he was tired next day saturday after work 4 pm and didnt come that nigh,then he had work the day after on sunday,( they kept going all day I think counting I saw they closed the shop around 5pm), and he was of course tired, I know that. He said over phone when I called him he was tired and that he had told me he was busy and it was up to me I had to decide that I wanted.

Do you think maybe this is my fault? I am thinking now that maybe its my fault because he had time for me 3 evenings in the week 3 weeks ago.

I am sorry I nag so much about this, I am just afraid I am gonna do something overreacting or destroying something that may be my fault.

Except for that he doesnt pay attention is his fault, I mean he could try since we ended the friday making love and no one was annoyed anymore. But maybe he got annoyed after I text/called him on that saturday and text him sunday?? I am just thinking why should he be and why would he not text me.

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How do you feel you attach, Greeneyes? Do you feel secure or insecure in your relationships? Anxious insecure?

Maybe it would help to not put so much pressure on the relationship. If you have concerns, I would suggest bringing them up with him openly and honestly. I know this can be difficult to do, but it is a healthy way to approach any problems, I would think. In the meantime, you can't know what he is thinking or what his motivations might be, so maybe it would help to distract yourself from the thoughts.

Can you think of some way to meet your needs today? Maybe go for another walk or read a book?

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I feel I attach mostly when we make love, but also when he is affectionate and caring. When we are together I feel we have a connection, we seem to have great chemistry and he is affectionate so it makes me feel he cares, but I am anxious that what if he is playing emotions, but I dont think he is. But it bothers me he is reserved in public. I havent met all his friends, he never take me to his friends and his apartment were he lives, he said its because its his friends apartment. He moved in there with him 3 months ago.

I have talked to him about my issues, that he doesnt pay attention and that it makes me feel bad, he agreed we would text and call more but he doesnt. He knows well I need his attention. I told him one day it makes us not get closer but just further apart and same with his bad jokes, he said really??, he looked rather amused than worried.

Thank you IrmaJean, maybe I should follow your advice and give it a go, for the last time, not putting pressure on the r/s and see if it gets back to him staying over more. Lets say I give it a month to see if things improve. As he has shown me he can stay over if he want. Last week he wasnt with me either monday, tuesday or wednesday even he had free monday after school and free after 6pm tuesday and wednesday, he said yeees it wasnt so good. So I know him saying he has no time is not totally true. That he didnt use any of these days to see me made me feel worse two weeks ago, and thats why it lead to me saying wow so happy I am, I was hurt and I think he heard it. It was on that friday. But things ended good.

Its true I cant know what he is thinking or his intentions, is he a liar or user or genuine. The only thing I have is his words, he has said he doesnt use me and has said he really likes me and all this. Like I wrote in my first post. I am more anxious being lied too like with my ex narc husband. It scares me very much to know there exist such fraud people who uses others and they are hard to spot if they use subtle underhanded tactics.

Not that I feel my bf is doing that, but I have this feeling that something is wrong, like I mentioned in the beginning, but it may be my anxiousness.

I will try relax tonight looking tv and try enjoy myself...maybe if I give the r/s another shot maybe things will improve again.. :unsure::)

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He told me one sunday when we walked to town that I had to love with my heart. He was gesturing with his hands like out from the heart. I was thnking "love with my heart??" I do love with my heart. Maybe he meant not being worried and anxious?

I mentioned that I need some attention and that its nice to hear him say he misses me or loves me in between, we agreed no not every day of course but sometimes. He said yes he knew that people want to hear nice things, but also said something like ( among with this loving with the heart ), that its not need to say so much.

I said men and woman are different and he said he knew that.

So he does understand but doesnt do anything about it.

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Yes like you I am insecure/anxious too...and worry much when I dont get any reassurance. I also score "very high" on personality disorder test...me being dependent and avoidant...avoidant socially sometimes ( sometimes not at all ), mostly because of sadness/depression and not because I dont want to be around people....the sadness makes me tend to isolate in periods. When/if I feel loved from bf I brighten up.

I am not avoidant when it comes to love/my bf as its here I am dependent...if that make sense..

I am not dependent in the way I need him around all day but to see him much more would make me feel better. I am dependent to get this reassurance and that he shows he loves me. Or I dont feel loved or appreciated. Who does feel loved if they dont get valued, appreciated and given attention. Nobody.

I am very anxious today...I dont know if I have nerves to handle go on like nothing ( with my bf ). What I want most if he comes over is to just lay in his arm him holding me doing nothing, then I will feel I am in some way loved. If he comes at all.

In childhood we starved emotionally and never got any love or attention. Sometimes I wonder if I will get free of this cycle.

Sometimes I wonder if my bf is healthy and selfish at the same time or if he is just selfish and me being the one to try get his attention in vain.

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I have decided if he is not coming tonight I am gone tomorrow and he can do what he wants. I will not be his sitting duck anymore.

I think I deserve better than having a bf who hasnt contacted me in any way for 1 week.

I will not have to suffer waiting anymore, neither do I have to feel I am being used just being there having sex with him and when he see I am gone and not available when it suits him he will either wake up and miss me. Or he will continue his selfish journey without even noticing I once was there.

I had a dream two nights ago a huge tornado coming our way, we ( me and another person, dont know who ) had to go under earth to be able to breath the short time the tornado swept over the ground. We survived and saw the blue sky.

Maybe there is big changes ahead, wether it is good or bad. Hopefully it is good for me in either way.

To add : I think pretty much this r/s is bordering to emotional abuse as this is neglect.

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I think that all of us have different needs for intimacy. Some people need a lot of closeness, while others need and want less. Have you tried specifically expressing to him your desire to have more contact with him? Have you asked him how he feels about this and what kind of contact he needs and wants? Is this something the two of you can work together on?

I hope you feel better, Greeneyes.

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As I have mentioned several times, IrmaJean, I have tried all I can, 2-3 times. He knows. Last he said is yes he understands very well now that I wait for him to text me and show he thinks about me, still nothing since 8 days. That is called neglect and I am sure he knows exactly what he is doing.

You know...first a big lie from him being married after we had been together for 3 weeks, even it was a silly stupid outburst from him( which I didnt knew then) he kept the lie a secret for 5 weeks while I cried and did nothing to say he wasnt married until I left him )

His answer was HE LIKED IT when I asked how he could do this to me.

One time I tried to end the r/s while I still thought he was married he threw a bad joke saying he had new gf and hung up on me saying he had to work further, I didnt get the chance to say anything, he didnt say he was joking or came with an apologize for hurting me, just hung up leaving me hurt. Yes, you read right, he had said he was married and also that he now had new gf.

1 month ago he threw out a bad joke saying it was his gf who bought him the perfume he was wearing.

Then when saying f*ck you" to me, he say HE LIKES ME TO HEAR IT.

I truly start to believe he likes to inflict hurt on me.

And when he has a pattern of hurting me this way its hard to trust him, specially when he doesnt spend time with me and just neglect me and my feelings.

I think he wont call me today either and maybe it should just be a relief along with the pain that comes with the loss and his hurtful behavior.

I need love, attention someone who show he cares about me, I wish it was him, but it seems like not. Everybody can say sweet words but actions says a lot more.

Also everybody can hurt each other emotionally in a r/s, like malign said, but you dont want to hurt your loved one this way that my bf does.

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