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Spouse feeling used after sex


orchardbhoy
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How would you feel if more times when not, after you have an argument with your spouse, if you've had sex with 3-4 days prior she says not so nice things like, 'how could you have sex with me when you dislike me so much', 'the thought of us doing that then makes me squrm', etc..

I'm quite a thick skinned bloke and I often am good at letting that go over my head however with it being raised for about the 8th time in 5 months last week, even though I want sex with my wife, I can't imagine going near her when she approaches me in bed as such, because I hate how I feel if that elusive argument comes by 3-4 days later and it's back to the types of comments like above.

Makes you feel like an abuser, etc..

My wife is mid 30s, same here, been together 15 years now, since age of around 23 or 24.

I know that before she met me she had a 3 year relationship with a guy aged in 40s, when she was aged 17-20 and I know that she has said on not many occasions that in that relationship their was an issue where after they had sex he then would be not very nice to her. She doesn't go into more detail with me as shes already admitted that she's embarassed that she had a relationship that age with a guy much older than her. He eventually died of a terminal illness when she was 20.

Overall, how would you feel if your spouse said such things during an argument 3-4 days after last time you had sex? Off course I can raise it with her about how her saying things like that makes me feel, but she tends to be a critical person and doesn't take criticism (as she perceives it to be) well.

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Well, I'm divorced myself, so let that be a warning about any advice I might give ...

But it sounds as if she's equating disagreeing with her over whatever the argument was about, and not loving her any more. That could be an example of not fighting fairly, by escalating this one disagreement to the level of a divorce threat, or it could be how she genuinely feels. Many people have low enough self-esteem that they think any criticism is the same as complete rejection.

One possible way to approach it, then, might be to start with reassuring her that the one thing you argued about is separate from how you feel about her as a wife. That might be especially necessary if hard things were said during the argument. It also might be helpful to ask her how she felt during the argument, what the argument implied in her mind. It's really remarkably hard to guess what another person is thinking or feeling. Too, having asked her, there may be a better opportunity to tell her how you felt ...

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Malign, thank you for reply and the divorce comment did make me laugh :) (sorry). You hit the nail on the head, she has admitted in past that when we have an argument (which aren't often mostly by the way) she feels that I hate her and yes, you're probably right in that she questions do I love her anymore.

Answer is I do love her, but being disgusted or whatever by thinking that when sex was had, I was in the same mood (quietly) then, than I was when the argument happened.

In truth, I think anyone reading this thread would be hurt at hearing such reactions, etc.. from their other half, during an argument that so happens to be within 3-4 days since sex was last had.

I'll take up your advice on asking how she felt, etc.. through the argument and see if that helps.

Overall, it's horrible to think of yourself as an abuser when infact you're nowhere name in the same mood when being intimite prior.

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If you want to talk about impossible situations, there's a risk I would've been hurt if you didn't laugh. ;-) People are difficult.

You're right, I did minimize how you felt, somewhat. I think any guy would be hurt by your wife's accusation, and since we're being honest, she probably intended it to hurt.

But you get to choose whether to stay attached to that feeling, or try to figure out why she'd want to hurt you that way. If the answer is likely to be that she felt hurt just as much, already, it's a lot easier to move on to the step about how to fix it.

One possibility, which is neither easy not guaranteed (yes, my ex and I tried it), might be couples counseling. It's possible that there's a lot going on under the surface that the two of you are not talking to each other about, and the air might be cleared if you manage to do it. I do hope you succeed.

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