I am not really new

[Jedediah]

Hello to Everyone,

I have not been to this website in over a year and although I see it has changed I am hoping I will find someone here that I remember. So, many things have changed in the past year that it amazes me that it has only been a year gone by. Maybe if I can not find any old friends perhaps I can make some new ones!

[IrmaJean]

I definitely remember you (with a different screen name then). Welcome back.

How are you?

[LaLa]

Hello, J.

What leads you back here? I hope the changes you've mentioned were also - at least some - positive-ones - ?

(I have no idea if you can remember me because I don't know if we communicated - what was your former screen-name...)

[finding my way]

Hey Elijah! Has it really only been a year? How is your health these days? Are you still taking classes?

[Jedediah]

Hello IrmaJean, Lala and FMW,

It is so, very nice to see some I remember. Yes, it is me however I have decided to go by my first name instead of my middle.

A little more than a year has come and gone with so, many changes and opportunities. My heart surgery although took a few different attempts and really tested my patience while also giving me a crash course in modern medicine was all worth it. I am quite thankful and beyond better now. I stopped coming to this site for a while because I simply needed a break. I had a lot going on and a lot of choices I needed to make. I was lucky enough when I originally joined the site to have made some awesome friends that turned into real life friends. Their assistance and care have been invaluable to me maneuvering over the last years terrain.

I decided to not return to my Amish community and join the church. It was a challenging decision on varying levels. I fell in love with so, many experiences and luxuries afforded for out here that I could not with my whole heart return to a life I knew was not intended for me. My family was not pleased with my choice. My parents I believe felt like their other children did that I too would return and I know it has been difficult for them to accept. I miss my family more than words could ever describe. Thankfully I made some awesome friends and their assistance has made the transition significantly easier.

A Psychologist I met when I went to learn more about a local University has become a great friend and mentor to me. He helped put me in touch with others that could help me become more "English". basic, simple documents very much required in this part of the world I lacked. birth certificate, Social Security card, school records. I had managed while living with my Host family to find employment but without proper papers I was not being paid legally which I did not even know till my new friends explained it all. I was working in a parcel warehouse and a bakery neither of which ever wanted any of those documents. Fast forward a bit and I now have them all even a drivers license.

Once I decided to not return home I moved in with a friend I met here. He has turned out to be one of my best friends ever. He has given and taught me so, much. He claims that he thinks we both needed each other which is why we found each other, I have to say I can not disagree. We have enjoyed living together and our crew of furry friends. As some of you might remember my Host family had a rescued dog which did not seem to take to anyone else until I had moved in. When I decided to not return home and move in with a friend they let me take Angel with me.

Unfortunately then there was a horrible storm and my friends home was radically destroyed. As horrible as that was it was even worse because he had just finished a lot of the renovations. Within 2 months time though we found an even bigger and better house. During that time I also had started classes to earn my GED and then immediately enrolled in college. Another great friend I met here also helped an enormous amount and his wife really helped me get the financing needed to attend college. My friend I moved in with helped me get a "real on the books" job and so, my life had restarted. I took day,night and Saturday college classes in between working and I hopefully will graduate with my Associates this May.

My friend put in a lot of time trying to teach me how to drive and after many hours spent in vacant parking lots and low traffic streets he let me really hit the road. He tells me I was never the worst driver by any stretch of the imagination but I thought I was horrible. The actual driving part was fine but my backing up and parking were horrendous. I give a lot of thanks to my very patient friend and apologize to all the garbage cans and traffic cones I mowed down while learning how to backup and park.

My friend had started taking some cooking classes before long I felt like a live in lab animal thankfully though he is extremely gifted in the kitchen. After each class ended he signed up for more and before long he was entering contests and winning. He has done so, well in the classes that a Chef that taught those classes that also works at an elite culinary school helped him enter a scholarship program that pays for the 2 years of schooling. We just found out that he was accepted and if he wants will begin this January. He claims I have helped him be more diligent with his school work and we seem to complement each other in what skills we lack.

So, I am medically well. I had hoped that my anxiety problems might have been due to or exacerbated by my heart defect but after having it all repaired it is apparent that it did not have anything to do with it. I enjoy attending school, working and living in a beautiful home with 3 furry dogs, 2 xlarge fish tanks and a couple of turtles and 1 incredible friend. Sadly, 1 of our dogs is sort of a loner dog that my friend took in from puppy age to raise and do basic training with before he would head back to service dog school. It is just about that time for him to be returned and we are finding it quite hard to imagine things around here without him. We are also concerned since we are not sure how Domino and Angel will take it since they are all very close. On a more positive side though since my friend did such a great job with this loner dog he has already been asked to take in another one the very same day Jazz gets dropped off.

[finding my way]

So glad to hear your update! All that happened in one year?? What a relief to have your health returned to you and maybe even to have that decision behind you? Either way would have caused pain :( Glad so many things are working well in your new direction!

Anxiety is a tricky one. I was just reading up about it on MentalHelp.net There is so much information on that site. Their articles state that anxiety is a secondary emotion. Fear is a primary one. Anxiety can percolate around the thought that something could put us in a position of fear. They also talk about how we can educate ourselves on our responses, sorting out what our anxiety is about and gaining greater trust in our ability to cope with life circumstances.

I would say I have attachment anxiety. When I get in social circumstances that require me to respond from my personhood and I do not feel securely attached to anything in the circumstance I get flooded with anxiety. On the one hand this is excruciating. On the other, it is a chance to look at how I operate and maybe go a little deeper with my relationship to myself and the world.

Hope you find what you are needing, Jedediah. You are welcome to explore more here if that helps!

[Jedediah]

Hi FMW,

Yes, it is amazing that I have been able to complete so, many different things. I have to say the college classes at first were a bit rough. I took several Saturday classes which would last 4-6 weeks however, it required my being there from 7am until sometimes 8 or 9pm. Being able to complete so, many credits quickly was interesting to say the least.

I have been looking more into dealing directly with my anxiety problems and at times it appears that I might be improving but I suppose like anything else it is a journey. I am right now trying to learn my possible "triggers".

I am also trying to figure out what it is I would like to do as a career which in itself is highly anxiety producing. I am trying to figure out what I might enjoy and be proficient at. Oddly I keep returning to Mortuary Sciences. It is one of the farthest things I ever thought I would be interested in but I keep returning to the course program's description and details.

Anyway, how have you been? What have you been up to over the last year+ ?

[IrmaJean]

Jedediah, it's wonderful news that you are healthy. You certainly had a very busy year!

Anxiety can be tough. I have struggled with it most of my life, though recently I have been feeling much better. Self-awareness is a great place to start. I find that the more capable I feel of handling different situations, the less fear I feel about the potential outcomes. I also find that I need to be very mindful of my needs. Do you enjoy any relaxing activities? I've been meditating some in the past months. I also enjoy going for walks with my dog, and freely expressing myself. I hope you find some methods that will help you to self-soothe.

How exciting for you to be choosing career paths! :-) I wish you the best of luck on the path you choose.

Take care.

[finding my way]

Happy weekend to all!

Your career idea would certainly be a niche, Jedediah!-- just don't take your work home with you, ok?

I work in special education, and it is a lifetime of fascination or more (if I had more than a lifetime), because I find human development that interesting. How we learn and grow, what our needs are... and what we take for granted because it just happens for us naturally (and then doesn't for others).

Are you able to work with a therapist for some of this journey? I've had several over the years. It helps having someone to talk to sometimes.

I agree with IJ that meditation can help. Ever tried it? The ability to quiet the mind chatter gives you that quiet break, but it also disengages a person from identifying themselves soley with the mind chatter. I learned in therapy to also have compassion for the part of me that identifies with the worry, sort of like a loving parent caring for a worried child, so that I am not splitting apart; more a conglomeration of aspects that are learning to get along. Meditation helps disengage from one part that is taking over so that I can get a perspective on it.