I think I may have a personality disorder

[Redd]

I'm 50. I want to know if I can be well. I think I may have a personality disorder. I'm feeling VERY anxious right now. I know myself well enough to know that this is close to overwhelming my ability to cope with the anxiety. On the rare occassion that I become overwhelmed, panic takes over and I become erratic until it passes.

I'll tell you the truth. While it is true that I inhabit this body...I eat, sleep, drink, bathe, laugh, cry, walk, talk, etc.. - I really have no clue what's really going on inside my head, my mind. I'm aware of the here and now, have memories of the past and that's it. My real motivations are as unknown to me now as they have always been. When I do get close to "whoever" or "whatever" is in my head, I'm assaulted with...pain. It's kinda like when you're a young child...and you get your feelings hurt...you know, that soulfully wounded feeling.....way over exaggerated.

So I mostly just don't think about it. Not too much. And when I do think about trying to figure it out, I either get real anxious and afraid or I contemplate it just long enough to wonder if I'm manipulating myself by the exercise. I'm never really sure if it's real or just some drama in my own personal world that I create out of some need for...what...attention? validation? excuse?

I am very manipulative...of everyone around me, I think...even myself. I never feel certain that any expression or feeling, once expressed, is genuine...only when it's in my head. Even now, I can't be certain why I'm doing this. Questioning my real motivation, ALL the time is exhausting.

I think there really might be something wrong with me.

[malign]

Everyone can be well. That's an article of faith, I'll grant you, but I believe it.

Not everyone is well at this moment, but that shouldn't be suprising, and it shouldn't be a reason for feeling bad about yourself if you're not well.

If you had an ache in your body somewhere, you wouldn't think it meant you were a bad person; you'd go see a doctor with a reasonable expectation that you would be well again some day, though you might need treatment and you might need to change some things about your life, such as exercise more.

It sounds as if maybe you've chosen not to get to know yourself, for reasons that only your self knows. Your self makes you anxious whenever you inquire too closely, which suggests it might have something to hide. Probably it would need reassurance that you're safe before it will let you know what the problem is.

Providing a safe place to explore your inner world is one of the things that a therapist can do for you. I would suggest trying that, if you're at all able to. In the meantime, welcome to our site. We'll do what we can to help.

[mthink31]

50... regardless of age if life in your surroundings are changing, fast and continually, you yourself are a changing person. priorities chang. likes and dislikes change. life becomes more solid and meaningful and can be a time one loses identity with to many changes. so stop and look at the road you have traveled and the set a direction that you in your heart and soul have destined to achieve. good luck. continue to chat / communicate. mthink