Long time - no post

[AmyeH]

Hi everyone.

I haven't posted in ages and thought I'd drop in, say hello and ask for any advice if possible.

I'm a 27 year old female. Two and a half years ago I had a mental breakdown. It started with just anxiety so I was on Xanax for the first time in my life. I will add that I did have problems before these two and a half years. Since the age of thirteen I've been self-harming and have had this reasonably mild OCD thing since the age of fifteen.

After a couple of weeks, depression set in and I went to a psychiatrist and started seeing a private therapist twice a week. I've now been trying a couple of different medications for the last two and a half years. Nothing has helped.

I had eight months living in a studio apartment alone. Drinking alcohol, burning, cutting. Just in a total mess. Then I got diagnosed with BPD. Believe it or not, things have just snowballed since then and I've never been in such a worse state. After eight months of the breakdown, I was totally broken so I decided to be hospitalised as I was overdosing and stuff.

I stayed in hospital for fourteen months, a very long hospital stay. And also got diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder so my official two diagnoses are major depression and personality disorders (unspecified as I have more than one).

After 14 months in hospital, I left the hospital and moved to a rehabilitation program. It was very intensive and I was still self-harming which they do not allow there. I tried my very best but was low functioning and lasted only four months there.

Then came back to the hospital again. Spent a few more months in hospital and went back to the rehab program, I lasted four days there and now I've been back in the hospital for three weeks.

Sometimes I can eat, sometimes not, sometimes I freeze up in bed and can't move or talk. I'm broken down in therapy, pretty unresponsive. And my therapist is rather emotionally involved and desperately wants to help me. She's cried several times, including yesterday because she says she's so worried and feels bad for me.

We're talking about ECT because things have gotten that bad and it was even offered it to me a year ago, now I'm in a worse situation, it's probable that I'll go ahead with it. I want to do it as I feel dead. I can't continue like this. They've given upon medications because nothing has helped. So I'm basically left with the ECT and also my psychologist has been doing a course in DBT so we're going to do that too. Hopefully it will be helpful.

It's one hell of a rollercoaster ride. I haven't self harmed in two weeks and it was the first time that I self harmed and didn't tell the staff that I did so. So I told my therapist the other day. Now each evening I have to go in a closed room with two nurses and pull my clothes up/down to show them

That I haven't self harmed.

I don't know what will be with me. I don't feel like I'm going to push through this and succeed. I already have a plan to end my life should it get to that. But I have two beautiful baby nieces and I don't think I can do it to them. Plus to my sister, dad and his wife and my mum. But on the other hand, I am struggling so much and in so much mental pain every day... I start to think that maybe they'll understand me if I go through with it. I see no hope for myself. I have no friends, no dreams, no inspirations, no goals, nothing in life. I'm like an empty shell.

I didn't think it would ever be possible to feel so bad in life. But apparently so.

[AmyeH]

* couple of dozen medications.

[IrmaJean]

I'm sorry you are hurting so much, Amy. I hope you can hold on. I understand that it can be very difficult to see hope when you're in such a deep depression. Things can change for the better. There are people who care. What helps to ease your pain?

[AmyeH]

Thanks Jean.

Yea. Things are pretty bad.

The only thing that I can do right now is to totally numb out. I get 2mg of Clonazepam, get in my bed, pull the blanket over my head and stay there in silence and stillness for a couple or few hours.

I know that doesn't sound very productive but it stops me from self-harming or doing worse. I just disconnect.

I have my therapists mobile number and she says call anytime, day or night and I have a few times but it doesn't really help that much most of the time.

I've been back in hospital in over three weeks and have had no visitors. To see my sister and nieces would cheer me up I imagine. It might be a bit difficult but the babies make me smile and laugh regardless. Shame my sister is just too busy to get the bus ride out here to visit.

My dad and his wife are coming from England in two weeks time and in a way I'm looking forward to seeing them but on the other, they're going to come to the hospital to do a meeting with the staff and stuff and I'm not looking forward to that. They're very frustrated that nothing has been helping me and question the entire process I am going through. They want me to go back to England and be with them but I don't want to go back there. It's really awkward.

I'm just deep down in the pit.

[sadgreeneyes]

Hi Amy,

I am feeling your hurt and can relate to you. I havent been hospitalized for so long as you have, but can relate to you both having major depression and have a few times self harmed, one time I overdosed and nearly died. I want to say to you Amy, its not worth dying even how much pain we are in. I know it feels like ending it is only option, I think like that too sometimes but really its not. One day maybe things will get so much better, please dont give up. There can be light in the tunnel.

[LaLa]

Hello, Amy,

It's nice that you decided to come here again, although it's so sad that the circumstances which motivated you to do so are as they are.

It seems that one of the problems of the hospitalization, and maybe of your current life in general, is the lack of pleasant activities and "warm" human contacts (except the therapy, of course). It's striking how your nieces can cheer you up, for instance. I can understand that numb out under your blanket is one of the best things you can do. Others are, for instance, your blogging and now, I hope so, also posting here. So... did you talk about this with your therapist and doctors? Isn't there a possibility to change it?

And... could you use some of your time to find out (on the internet, of course) how the situation is in English hospitals / sanatoriums? (I saw one documentary about one "mental institution" in our country and the patients were "doing something" almost all the time - they had art-therapy, common activities / games, walks, ... It probably depends much on the state of the patients, I know, but...)

Would you like to explain me your reasons why you don't want to go to England and try to be treated there? (I don't say I can't imagine them, but I'd prefer to hear them from you .)

Which emotions and thoughts come to your mind when thinking about your parents coming to see you (except those you've mentioned)?

ECT - well, maybe it would be useful; I cannot know. I only know that nowadays it's much safer than it used to be and that sometimes it can really help. When do you have to decide if you really want it?

Looking forward to your answers!

Take care!

[Lana73]

Hi Amy,

I am glad you are back as well. Sorry you are still struggling.

I will be thinking of you.