emotional incest/father a victim of emotional incest and physical abuse/Mom's adopted, sexually abused, abused by dad

[sober]

Good day! i'm glad I found this site.

My life is so complicated.Please try to understand I dont know where to start. All I know is I'm involved in a vicious cycle of abuse and I dont know what to do with it,im weak. .I used to think as a child that I live in a emotionally secured family. My parents are great. My dad is a loving father, a good provider But physically abuses us when we were kids. He has iron hand if we make mistakes but also sweet. He is working as a seaman and most of the time he is not home. He would send us cards he never missed any special occassion and makes sure he provides our wants and needs. Dad is the 2nd among 8 siblings ang his mother relies on him, like a junior father figure since his dad is a poltician, always not at home and a womanizer. Yes, grandpy have 4 other children from different women. Dad took care of his siblings needs as elder brother and always with grammy like mama's boy. They are very close that when grammy died, dad also died. He splurged his money on gambling and women and I grew up with that kind of situation but I love dad still. Mom and dad would always fight. I dnt know, pornographic videos and magazines are normal to me and just think of it as adult stuff. Dad touches his parts while lying on the sofa but I didnt mind either.

My Mom is adopted, sexually abused by her foster father who happens to be her uncle too and emotionally abused by some of her siblings. If I was mom I could have left dad a long time ago. Dad didnt allow her to work, go home to her province. and dads family were emotionally abusive to us.

Im the 3rd among 5 kids. Im close to my eldest sibling.She committed suicide at 18 due to depression coz she got pregnant at 16. She was daddys girl and I saw how dad was deeply hurt. I took her place as the responsible child for my siblings and her child at 11 yrs old. and I became daddys girl. Life was getting better until dad decided to go to America. He was having difficulty applying for a post due to heatl problems. Mom and dad had this agreement they have "divorce"just for the sake he can go there then he can bring all of us there. At first, it was hard but we tried to cope until dad had affairs with various women which he found on the net. He became addict to sex chats. One woman hacked our social network accounts and made fake accounts of mom. I dnt know, dad would deny but that woman phoned me and its on a conference call with dad I was just listening. The worst is, dads sisters allowed this and one used the woman to get money.Many women followed. All of us were devastated. I felt cheated. Several nights mom is crying and had several angina attacks that lead to hospitalizations. Dad still supports us financially and would call me instead of mom. Their relationship became so abusive. After 8 years in America, dad came home last March but he refuses to stay in our house coz he doesnt want mom anymore. Then finally he was convinced by his sisters. Mom told him to sleep in the bedroom but he slept in the sofa. He has no regard if we hear him talking to these two different women. I get goosebumps when I hear them but I act normal to dad. He accidentally left his YM on moms lappy which lead to a big fight. Mom ran after dad with samurai. My three siblings cant stand the situation and would not stay home. Im the only one who understands dad. I try hard to understand him in the context of his relationship with his parents. He is also a victim of abuse. Im the one who stays with dad most of the time. I am close to dad and he favors me more than the other siblings because among his 5 children, I am success-driven, I get academic excellence awards until i graduated my Masters degree. In contrast, my elder sister got pregnant at 16, elder brother 8 yrs in college but never graduated got married but still dependent, younger sister got pregnant with a guy whos not her boyfriend after college graduation, youngest sibling is 7 years in college and got her girlfriend pregnant at 18.

Anyway, last may mom finally surrendered. She left home and went to her sister. While dad still at home, gambling and spending time over the phone but never gives his number to us. I was feeling helpless, I feel that I have to do something but I feel inadequate. I was about to Live for a work abroad and everything is messed up. I tried speaking to my siblings. My youngest sibling can't take dad's agression. I told him not to leave the house. I left for abroad in July 22 and dad died last September 29. I felt that God cheated on me. I love dad very much and I promised in 2 months in two months Time I can fix things up. I sent money to mom so she can go home. Dad never communicated with me in that two months time so I sent money through mom but he would not talk to mom either. Mom's flight schedule is 30th and died 29th. Now I'm living in remorse. i feel so guilty that I haven't done anything to save dad from his depression. He couldve been so happy when I give him the things I promised. I have started collecting medicines, stuffs for my first package which I was supposed to send by October. By the time Mom is at home, I would tell him Im sending money so he can undergo a complete medical check-up again. I wake up everyday feeling angry and I think of him every minute of the day and its affecting my work. Mom says she felt bad that she is there and dad is calling me instead of her and that she knows, my sibling know I'm dads pet. I dont know what to do with this vicious cycle of hurt. My younger brother attempted suicide several times and its killing my parents every time. Now he is doing it again. Its complicated. I don't know what to do. I'm living in ifs, if only, i should've, done something. Since I am close to him I might have saved him. When i was away for work, I told mom and siblings to fix the problem themselves. I wanted them to talk to dad but he would not listen. I should have been stronger and took the full responsibility to save our family. Dad died of cardiac arrest while sleeping.

[LaLa]

Hello, sober, welcome

I have to agree; your life is very complicated, but mainly full of tragedies, resulting one from another .

Do I understand it right that your main reason why you came here is the feeling that you might have saved your dad? Well, the feeling of guilt is very frequent in many, many bereaved people. Many people question the possibilities they've missed and wish to go back in time and "do more", "prevent the death". However, in probably most cases, the efforts to prevent it would be useless, in vain. It's natural to question the alternative possibilities, but in "healthy" grieving, it shouldn't take much time and hurt for too long. One of the stages of grieving is also the reconciliation with the truth, with the unchangeable nature of the past.

If you'd like some insightful reading about some difficult forms of grieving, you might try this story, for instance:

http://books.google....epage&q&f=false

One quote:

The sentiment that "one should have done something more" reflects, it seems to me, the underlying wish to control the uncontrollable. After all, if one is guilty about not having done something than one should have done, then it follows that there is something that could have been done - a comforting thought that comforts us from our patent helplessness in the face of death.

But I know that this all sounds probably as too far from your own life to you. So let's consider your particular case:

Since I am close to him I might have saved him.

This is not a logical statement. Being close to somebody doesn't make us able to save him, mostly in case he has an ill heart or another illness which cannot be influenced by us. What could you have done?

I would tell him Im sending money so he can undergo a complete medical check-up again.

That's nice; you're a caring daughter and tried to do your best. But he could ignore even your own urge to go to a medical check-up. And even a medical check-up could possibly not be enough to prevent him from the heart-attack.

When i was away for work, I told mom and siblings to fix the problem themselves. I wanted them to talk to dad but he would not listen.

You were working to provide money, you couldn't, at the same time, be there and fixing other's problems!

I should have been stronger and took the full responsibility to save our family.

WHY should you??? Who says that??? There is no rule that one person has to be "responsible for" other adult persons, even when they're a family. They were in a bad condition, it's true, but not completely dependent on you. They had their own responsibilities. Your parents both failed in many of their responsibilities, due to their own tragic childhood issues, they created many traumas and resulting problems in their children, but it's now up to you to take care about yourself, your life - try to overcome most of the negative influences, one of them being also blaming yourself for things that you're not responsible for - as the death of your father. You might also try to help your siblings if possible. In my opinion, they would all need professional help (is it available for them and you?). In any case, what you need mostly is to be future-oriented, proactive, ... not stuck in the remorses about an unchangeable past.

Take care!

[IrmaJean]

Welcome to the community, sober.

I'm very sorry for your loss. The loss of your father is very recent and it's natural to have many different feelings. Grief is a personal process and the path can be bumpy. Your situation is also complicated by a painful past. I hear that you are feeling guilty. I can understand that you wish you could have helped your dad and your family, but ultimately you can only be responsible for you. There would have been no way to foresee what happened. I'm sorry you are hurting.

I hope you are able to feel comfort and peace in your heart. We are here to listen and support you.

Take care.

[sober]

Thank you very much Lala3:) Its a relief to hear from someone not related to me. I get sick of advises like, "*** I I don't know you anymore, the friend I thought I knew is very strong and independent. I want to break down and cry and I wanted to tell them, " Well I think I have the right to be weak and miserable!" My life right now is toxic and I feel like I'm poisoning peoples moods with my emotions that's why I stay away from people and close friends(though they still reach out and asking how I'm coping.)

These uncontrollable sighs and memory flashes of pain every now and then... Gosh. I cant count how many times I close my eyes forcefully every time guilt strikes and its affecting my work. Its so painful that I feel I can't take another day. Breathing and eating becomes a routine...like something I have to do. When I'm alone I would speak to dad and beg him to pick me up. I don't hate dad in any way. I pity him and I wake up angry everyday why God did not give me chance to help dad and He took dad's life while sleeping. It gives me the idea that God wanted to make sure no one can help him. Im blaming myself, God, my siblings...

The worst thing about this is I am a gyne oncology nurse. 'I feel very guilty that I was not there physically to care for dad. Ive always dreamt of buying stuffs for an aging parent. I believe I am a good nurse and I'm a good person. My only dream in life is to give the best retirement to dad since he has been working for years; and for my parents to make up for what they've lost. And I was not given a chance. Now my latest issue is mom thinks I'm taking sides on dad. I told her, mom I couldn't/can't just leave dad. Im in the neutral. If I would not reach out to dad, who else will? and I said mom, I know every damage dad did to you and I saw you having chats on the net but I didn't mind coz Im trying to understand you, too. She is making me feel guilty that still, I understand dad despite of the many hurts he gave to her. She also hates dads sisters. We haven't talked over the net for days now. She is not reaching out to me and Im not doing any move. I couldn't breath anymore.

Before the burial, I opened dad's coffin and I brushed his hair with my fingers why holding his hand the I laid my head on his chest. The sadness in my heart is too much I cant let him go. I spent the remaining days of my leave in the cemetery lying on the pantheon.

Thank you very much for your advices. I'll do my best to process those in my being. You are right all of us needs therapy. Im sorry for the lengthy paragraphs. I can no longer contain this emotions and I can't speak to close friends coz they would end up telling me, you are one of the strongest person I know, things happen for a reason bla bla and I hate It coz deep down Im badly hurt.

I

[sober]

Thank you very much IrmaJean

I just feel guilty. I hate the flashbacks and I feel I can't stand another day. I used to fear death coz I would think, what will happen to mom and dad then?...their friends tell me that I'm their only hope coz my other siblings messed up. Its overwhelming but I don't mind. Being good is the only I can make them happy. I don't know what to do with their hurtful past experiences that has been ruining their marriage. I tried but.. I'm just guilty that I am weak. I could've done something but I was too weak and Its killing me. I could have done more to save our family.

[IrmaJean]

Hello again, sober.

I get sick of advises like, "*** I I don't know you anymore, the friend I thought I knew is very strong and independent. I want to break down and cry and I wanted to tell them, " Well I think I have the right to be weak and miserable!" My life right now is toxic and I feel like I'm poisoning peoples moods with my emotions that's why I stay away from people and close friends(though they still reach out and asking how I'm coping.)

I can understand how such responses would feel minimizing to the pain you've been feeling. Whatever emotions you are feeling are okay to feel. It's okay to feel sad and miserable. It's okay to need support. It's okay if you don't feel strong right now. You've suffered a loss and this hurts. Your emotions may be erratic; anger, guilt, sadness, fear, and pain are all very natural responses to the loss of someone you loved. I'm sorry you are hurting so much.

It must be challenging coping with the conflicting feelings you have about your past and with your family. You loved your dad and you love your mom. Maybe you and your mom both need some space to sort out your feelings? I hope you are eventually able to support one another through this.

Before the burial, I opened dad's coffin and I brushed his hair with my fingers why holding his hand the I laid my head on his chest. The sadness in my heart is too much I cant let him go.

You sound like a very loving daughter, sober. I'm sorry you are feeling sad.

I'm just guilty that I am weak. I could've done something but I was too weak and Its killing me. I could have done more to save our family.

I hope you can be gentle with yourself now. I hear you, but you couldn't have prevented your father's heart disease. It can feel frightening to face our limitations when we want the best for our loved ones. Sometimes there is nothing more we could have done.

I hope you will keep expressing yourself, if it is helpful.

Take care.

[sober]

Im punishing myself constantly. I punch my head whenever guilt strikes in my head. Its something that I can't control. I felt like I betrayed dad for not being there. I feel like Im a useless daughter and I just want to die too so I can be with dad. I felt the heavens betrayed me. He allowed me to go fa way for work at a cost-dad's life.

[IrmaJean]

You are not responsible for your father's death, sober. I know saying that likely isn't enough right now, but this wasn't your fault. There are some things we can't control or prevent from happening. I'm sorry you're struggling with these painful feelings. You are hurting and I hope you can be very gentle with yourself. Often times, we are hardest on ourselves. Is it possible to redirect your energy when you feel the urge to self-harm? I hear that this is a painful and confusing time for you. I hope you find some moments of comfort today.

Take care.

[sober]

Sometimes I understand its not my fault but there are times I just feel guilty. I only feel good momentarily (I tried at work, and it worked), when I think that dad i s alive. I fee like my blood like its so alive then I can feel the same happiness again. But then after few moments reality strikes in my head again then I go depressed. Sometimes I feel like loosing my sanity. last night I got exhausted with crying then I closed my eyes and said "Dad, when I wake up, we should be together." Then I dreamt Dad mom n I are riding in a car and I was the one driving. Dad told me he is having chest pain then I said we'll go to hospital right away. We went inside the emergency room then I woke up. I can still feel the tension..like it really happened. The same tension I feel when he is complaining of any pain to me. sigh..

[IrmaJean]

I'm sorry you are hurting.

I understand that reason doesn't always prevent feelings such as guilt. I think it's okay to allow all of your feelings right now. You might try breathing a space between the feeling of guilt and any potential attachment it may have to your sense of self. You understand it wasn't your fault, but the feeling is still there sometimes and this is part of the process. I don't know if that may help or not. I'm sorry this is so difficult and painful for you. Are you able to connect with any calming energy in yourself? I hope you will keep reaching out, sober, and expressing yourself. We're listening.

Take gentle care.