Will I ever be who I used to be?

[Whoiusedtobe]

I was diagnosed with anxiety and major depressive disorder in December 2011 and I've been on medication and in CBT. For a while the CBT techniques were working for me, mostly in my personal life, but when I returned to work after leave it was like my brain couldn't handle the stress and pressure and I could feel myself falling back into negative patterns. I left CBT in August after 7 months but I'm now waiting to see another psychologist.

It's like my logical brain knows what's going on but I can't make my negative feelings go away. I've also realized that throughout my therapy I was telling my therapist what I thought I was supposed to be saying, knowing I'm supposed to be getting better and that I need to 'finish' therapy so I don't become codependent. It seems like I am sabotaging my recovery and I can't figure out why and how to stop it.

Anyway, I have noticed that I make more errors in judgment and regret things I do. I question myself constantly and avoid decisions where other people are involved or impacted. I stay awake or wake a lot in the night and cry and worry about things I've done and how stupid they are (alo with the whole "if only I'd done this I could have avoided that mistake" thing). I feel like I do enjoy things in my life, but I'm not sleeping well and I have low self confidence when it comes to my intelligence...

I'm not sure if I'd still be considered depressed or not, I just know that I am not who I used to be and I'm scared that I never will be again. I was let go from my job a couple of weeks ago (for the first time in my life) and the acute anxiety has lessened but the ever present doubt has ramped up...I have no idea no to find work when I feel the way I do about myself.

My husband has been very supportive but I worry that this self doubt will drive him away even though we've talked about it and he reassures me. I don't see how he can put up with me.

I don't really know anyone with depression/anxiety so I don't know if it is even possible to be my old self again. Is it or am I setting my expectations too high?

[finding my way]

Welcome to our community, Who. I am so sorry for this suffering you feel right now

I too struggle with trying to please others and losing myself when I try too hard to get along.

Is there a way to cultivate a safe refuge inside? Mindfulness training has helped me, as well as friends who understand. Knowing a few techniques that are soothing for you can help you take a break from the stressful dynamics our minds pull us in to. I think CBT has its place; how awesome to straighten out our thoughts when that is possible! Sometimes we need emotional support too; healthy ways to just plain relax and recover.

That is not too much to expect for yourself.

Wishing you well today!