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Pedo Love


Sickdaddy72
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Hello, welcome :)

Have you already search for a professional help? We may "talk" with you about your problem, you may "vent" here and it would be fine if it helped, but it seems you need more than that. Is there an opportunity for therapy where you live? I can imagine it has to be very difficult to talk about this problem with a psychiatrist or psychotherapist, but it's definitely worth it - it's probably the only (or at least the best) "way out". There are means to fight obsession. And you already feel how hard it is to sustain it, to fight it all alone, to resist your urges :(. So, it's very good that you realize you need help and it's good that you started reaching out. But now you have to find a professional who can really help you. We can just support you on your way...

Good luck!

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LaLa3, thanks for responding. This is getting worse, my wife will look at a 12 year old and see a little girl, I see someone beautiful and perfect. It's ruining our sex life because now I can't aroused unless I'm thinking about girls or rough sex, talking to someone really helps. I have been to 4 different shrinks in 2 years. I don't want to like this but it's so embedded in my brain.

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You're welcome :). I'm sorry it's so hard and the shrinks didn't help yet... :(

May I ask you a... strange question? You say it's "ruining your sex life because you can't get aroused unless thinking about girls..." - but... how could your wife know what you are thinking about? Why is it "ruining" it? I don't say I cannot understand it, but... maybe I imagine it my way and your reality is different, so I decided to ask. Because... I've heard there's "a lot" (?) of people who "think about somebody else in those moments / to become aroused", so... is this also a problem, or just the fact that the object of your interest are children?

Would you "summarize" what was/has been the approach of the psychiatrists, if it helped a bit and why it didn't work (if it didn't)?

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It's hard to explain, I love my wife but I am not sexually attracted to her anymore. The shrinks were kinda helping but 1 was a old lady who said "I got in over my head when took you on. The second one I had sex with in her office. 3/4 asked me not to come back after making advances at them. I have been diagnosed as a sex addict but one who needs kinky, sick. The girl next door is getting to me she is so beautiful. What I can't understand is why!!!! I see them that way and others see them as they are.

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Well, 4 shrinks might seem as "a lot", but... there are still many others and some of them would certainly be more helpful. You just can't resign. There are also some who are specialized on pedophilia (and other related conditions) as I know from a member of this community who is in such a therapy and the therapy has been successful ("Musicman", but it's a young boy, a former CP addict - therapy helped him to overcome the addiction). I don't know if such a therapist is available where you live, but... at least there should be some sexologists, ... I suppose you need somebody specialized, who has already experiences with this problem.

Sorry, I'm not very good in English, so... I'm not sure what you mean by " The girl next door is getting to me " - does it mean she's trying to seduce you / is attracted to you? If yes, I can imagine it has to be hard. However, besides the fact that you cannot / should not / must not have an affair with her (I hope you understand very well how this would damage her and how she would be traumatized all her life by such an experience, even in case she'd "consent" - she's not in an age of being able to make right decisions of this kind...), it's almost the same as in case of married men who are attracted to a woman they shouldn't have an affair with. It makes me think about some literature about this kind of situations - could it help to read (just to feel understood, not alone, )...? (I'm not a religious person, but I enjoyed Moore's Dark nights of the soul http://books.google....dQC&redir_esc=y and there's also a chapter about being attracted to somebody else while married - and I love his perspective on this - he shows how we can learn from every difficult experience and how we can grow thanks to also this kind of problems.)

What I can't understand is why I see them that way and others see them as they are

Yes, it's hard to find answers to this kind of questions :(. It would be very hard to even say why you, for instance, was attracted to your wife when you married her, don't you think so? But in that case, you probably didn't ask, as it was a kind of "normal" and "socially acceptable" attraction. Maybe you can explore the reasons with a good therapist. But what seem much more important than the reasons to me, is to stop your suffering and also (by doing so) get rid of the risk that you might do something inappropriate...

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I have been fighting this my whole life. I have never done anything but have come very close. I have some pics that Ilook at to help me control it. The girl next door is young but beautiful and she comes over to play with my son. It's very hard for me not to want to touch her. As for my sex drive I could do it 8 times a day. I was raped by a man who was a friend of the Famliy. I was molested by my mother and her friend and physically beating by my dad. I have OCD along with the sex issues.

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I see... :( I'm sorry you had such a hard childhood...

You'd need a good, long, profound therapy.

Here is an example of such a therapy - I suggest you to read the story "If rape were legal..." in this book (I hope it could be insightful despite the big dierences between you and the character in the story - in my eyes, the main message here for you is that it's possible to do big changes even in cases when it seems as nearly impossible):

http://books.google.ca/books?id=anRSNigZ8bIC&q=%22if+rape+were+legal%22#v=onepage&q&f=false

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I suppose there are also some articles on the web about pedophilia and OCD (as you are probably also obsessive about the whole problem) - it might help to explain it to your wife. She mainly needs to see professinals' perspective on the problem, as knowing only what you tell her may be scary and confusing.

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First suggestion: male therapist. A straight one.

Second, and it probably should be first: stop thinking of an underage girl as a conquest. She's not "hard to get"; she's a person, and she doesn't need you tearing up her life. If there's any chance that you're actually a danger to a child, I urge you to restrain yourself, forcibly if need be. I'd urge the same if you were a danger to anyone else, too, including yourself.

How sure are you that you love women, as you said? It would seem that you love sex, and the idea of conquest (of your therapist, even.) But which of these women have you loved, that is, which of them would you have sacrificed your own needs and desires for? You said you love your wife, but you have and would continue to have sex with other women. Can you see that your experiences when you were younger have altered your definition of the word "love", and that you might need help redefining it?

I'm not asking these questions to shame you, or make you feel bad about yourself. What seems important to me is to separate the compulsion towards sex, which could be OCD and treatable, from the excuse of love, which might keep you from that treatment.

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I can only agree with the previous post. I hope you'll take much time to think about those questions and suggestions.

BTW, have you read the story about the man obsessed with sex that I posted a link to? ;) I wonder if you can find there at least some things which are somehow related to your life...

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I used to go to SLAA, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. People with every kind of sexual compulsion support each others' recovery in this fellowship, and there is some really good recovery in those rooms. They have a basic text with a lot of stories of recovery in it. How a person works their recovery program depends on their own needs; it is self tailored in that the individual identifies behaviors which they must not engage in, called "bottom line" behaviors, lines which must not be crossed.

I have seen in these meetings people dealing with the following issues: love/relationship/sex addiction, prostituting problems (both sides of the street--customer and sex worker), compulsive masturbation, pornography addiction, someone who exposes himself (forget the term for that?), and, people who are court appointed, who I believe were convicted of sexual offenses, which I didin't know the nature of. I live in a big city and there is a flourishing SLAA community here. Why not check it out and see if it's in your area. A supplement to therapy.

I had dinner with friends the other night, one of them is in a group which staged a protest to a church program which was going on called "Pray the Gay Away." I don't know alot, but it seems people have been broken of their sexual attraction to the same gender through religion/prayer. Now I am not religious, and I personally would never suggest something like that to anybody, because I wouldn't want it suggested to me, BUT---what I am suggesting is that there is a spiritual component which you could invoke in your situation, and that is: it would be selfish to engage in a relationship with one so young, is selfish to sexually objectify one so young. You could look at it that way. ( You've probably already looked at this in more ways than any of us can imagine.) Many would argue that there must be a spiritual component to any change you try to do when it comes to deep psychic issues, and what turns you on sexually is a very deep psychic issue. I myself have questionable (disturbing) things in this department, but I can ignore them because they arent really affecting my life.

This might be a dumb question. Do you have a really strong mental stucture built up in your mind, in vivid detail, of exactly how any impropriety with a young girl will ruin your life and the lives of your wife and kid? If not, get the video, lol. Yes, I reckon that is a dumb almost insulting question because you said you've been fighting this your whole life. It must be tiring and I admire you for fighting it!! And your guts for talking about it. But you shouldn't have to keep fighting, there must be some way around it or through it.

Because I think that many men have physical attractions to young girls, in varying degrees, IMO it is not so much the attraction which is "abnormal," but the degree, the intensity, the obsession you are experiencing. Then again, you mentioned that you like rough sex and having been abused when you were a child. No one factor taken alone need be alarming, but all the factors together within you seems like a psychological perfect storm that could sink your ship. Blessing: you are addressing this now and not later, or after you've done something you can't undo.

I have a friend who endured extreme childhood sexual abuse and she draws a lot of strength from a website called Pandora's Aquarium. It is for sexual abuse survivors. They have forums, blogs, it is a dynamic, fascinating site

.http://www.pandys.org/

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All I hear are people talking about how Pedo's are the worse kind of people ever.

The problem here is that many people see "pedo's" as offenders and don't realize that only a part of them do harm, the others are just suffering from their "diagnosis". And it's, unfortunately, a dangerous diagnosis, as it's often associated with "urges" hard (but possible!!) to resist. That's why it's good when you communicate about it and try to receive help and that's also why we "urge you" to find an appropriate help for you...

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I have a (partial) solution for you: You say that what you need as distraction is the "sexting". You also said that you love your wife, but your relationship is ruined by your OCD etc. So... you could ask your wife to engage in the "sexting" with you - you'd receive "her image" in the form you prefer, it would be a new, potentially exciting activity in your marriage, she might start to feel desired again, she might start to attract you again and you'd be distracted from your "pedo thought/urges".

I'm sorry this is the last thing I propose because I said all I had to say in this context and not seeing your efforts to be proactive and change safely your situation for better, I don't know what more to do for you :(.

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