feeling sad and I need some advice

[mscat]

It does matter... It is ok to feel the way you did about that customer! You have every right to be upset. I am sorry that this bad experience happened to you!

Self injury does not really solve anything in the long run, however it is difficult not to when things go wrong and that is what your use to doing to feel better. It was not your fault though, and if that is why your thinking of Si'ing, then don't. Blaming yourself about something that you had no control over is not going to make anything better. I understand the temptation of self injury and how strong the urges can be.

Distract yourself ffrom SI and keep your mind preoccupied by doing healtheir alternatives. i understand that this is easier said then done. And I could be considered the biggest hypocrite ever just by telling you not to.

[Lie_low]

Thanks for the reply mscat. I was afraid that nobody would reply because I know my post was kind of pointless venting on my part. I just feel so bad sometimes and I can’t talk to anyone about it in real life so I appreciate your feedback. I’m a really private person and I feel like I have to try especially hard to seem happy so that nobody will be concerned about me or think that I’m going to hurt myself. The only people who know are my immediate family and lately I feel like my dad suspects something because he has been hovering over me like he does when he thinks I’m not doing well and it’s annoying. I know I’m not doing well right now but I am trying to get help because I don’t know what else to do. I am not suicidal but I don’t want to live this way anymore. My depression worsened last fall and since then I have had some thoughts about wanting to OD again and it scared me because I didn’t think that I would ever feel like that again. The problem is that I don’t consider suicide an option anymore so I have to live wanting to die and it’s a pretty bleak existence.

[malign]

Well, "pointless venting" is what we're all here for! :-)

Because it's not pointless. Venting helps the person doing it, and it helps everyone reading because we get to see that other people feel the same way we do.

Someone being rude to you is not a reason for you to feel bad, much less hurt yourself further. It's okay to be angry, and it's okay to be angry at the right person. You don't have to do anything, of course; in a customer/employee situation there's probably nothing you can do. Except put the blame where it belongs, on the person who was rude, and let it go.

Have you thought about talking to your dad, when he hovers? I know it annoys you, but have you thought about how he feels, how much he might be worried for you? I bet it would reassure him a lot, and keep him from hovering, if you told him how you feel, that you're "not doing well right now but ... trying to get help". You never know, he might even have some help to give ...

[Lie_low]

I appreciate the reply Malign. In general It’s hard for me not to blame myself even though logically I know that it’s not my fault and I should be angry with the other person and not myself in those kinds of situations. I guess it doesn’t make sense but I feel like if I am nice enough to everyone, no one will have a reason to treat me badly-- but I know some people are just angry for their own reasons. Sometimes people are just having a bad day and they take it out on me, it’s just part of the job. I have realized that the main trigger for my SI has been when I feel I have made a mistake. When this happens all I can think about is how horrible I am and I just wish that those kinds of thoughts would leave me alone. A similar thing happened last week and I did stop and think “why should I punish myself for this, I didn’t do anything wrong” but it’s really something that I have to try to keep in mind because it doesn’t come naturally to me.

I was actually thinking of talking to my dad but I don’t think that I could do that. If I could broach the subject with him I don’t think I would even be in the situation I am in right now. We are both the type that avoid talking about anything of that nature and I just don’t think that I would be able to do it without feeling awful about it afterwards…but maybe feeling bad is not really a reason not to do something…I don’t know.

[mscat]

Now this is something I can relate to. To me, it is much simpler and easier to take it out on oneself then to get mad at the person who is being rude or mean... I too, typically keep it to myself, not saying anything at the time, and then afterwards look back and want to blame myself for the problem and then SI. Even when the mistake is not my fault I do fell like it is and do believe that I could have or have done something differently for it to not happen. It does make sense to me, ony because i have done the exact same thing. Sometimes things do not have to make sense, it just happens and then there's the horrible feeling of failed. Even if it is ill logical it is still there and a lot of times jsut knowing that someone was pissed off can trigger an eposoide of Self injury. Is this what happens to you?

Talking to A parent about such a highly "secretive" matter like SI isnot what is going to happen to a self injurer, not typically. Because most self injurers have a very difficult time expressing their feelings and keep them to themselves. Self blaming is highly common in a person who harms themselves. I alway would tell myself, i'd hurt myself before I'd ever hurt anybody else. That is how it is, and has always been. But, the probelm with that is anger builds up to the point where a person feels like they are going to explode. Either the anger turns inward or it will turn outward onto others. Self harmers turn it against themselves, and truely feel like they deserve it .

[Lie_low]

Thanks for the reply mscat. Its helps to know that there are other people who feel the same way I do. Sometimes when I have heard other reasons why people self-injure I really can’t relate to it and I don’t get it. It seems that there are some people who romanticize self-harm and who let others know when they are doing it. To me that just seems like unnecessary drama that could be avoided. I see it as a pathetic and stupid way of dealing with things and I just wish so much that I never did that to myself.

[mscat]

Yep.... For me, I had not self harmed in over 20 years. AND then all of a sudden I started up again , in my 30's :eek: Hell, I still have no idea why it started up again. After that long of not doing it? It still does not make any sense to me what so ever!

The worst part was that the Self injury was even more severe then ever before. Where I was doing it to cause serious harm and could not stop. I'd do it everyday. Oddly I did not say a word to my therapist, and when I finally had he wanted to see my arm. I still remember the look on his face. He had no idea what I was doing or how bad it was. my whole arm was covered in second degree burns. I was not aware of the SI being too bad either. Until I continued and continued. AND once started again I let it take over me. I liked the control it gave me, but the counselor would tell me I was out of control .That did not make any sense what so ever.

I Do not know what made me decide to do even more severe harm, probably becasue i got use to the feeling of the burns, so I found a new way to SI. That is what led me into severe injury, and trips to the ER, 5150's , the CRitical care unit, Surgeries, and the Burn unit. Still, i knew what to say, in order to stay out of more psych units. That could never happen again.

These severe Si's did not stop at just one time... Many times, and Joanne I am not proud of that at all. Not I see the damage, and it is disgusting. Awful, ugly scars, loss of hand movement, loss of feeling on my damaged skin, it is ugly.

Nobody warned me that self injury could become this severe:( In my case it has , and it is well, I don't know, just not right. I do not want to go in too much detail because it still horrifys me.

I hope you are feling better, and I will be here to support you any way I can.

Cathy

[Lie_low]

Thanks for the reply mscat. When I first started I was so desperate that I didn’t care about the consequences, but I have come to feel a certain loss and regret over what I have done to myself. It seems like maybe that is what you are describing about the effect that the self-injury has had on your life. It’s definitely an issue for me, even though I have never had to deal with the serious consequences that you mentioned--all I really have to deal with is a body full of scars. The relief is momentary but the scars stay there forever. It’s a challenge…the everyday stuff like never being able to wear what I actually want to wear because I have to find a way to cover my scars. Dating…when guys show interest in me I feel like maybe I can be pretty but its false advertisement because if they really got to know me and see my scars they would not like me anymore. Sometimes the shame about the scars gets in the way though, and I just use it as an excuse to hurt myself more…like I’m already a mess so it doesn’t really matter anyway. I don’t want to resort to self-injury and drinking anymore so I’m really trying to learn better ways of dealing with things.

[malign]

Dating…when guys show interest in me I feel like maybe I can be pretty but its false advertisement because if they really got to know me and see my scars they would not like me anymore.

Speaking as a guy ...

When I was your age, I was pretty naive, and didn't really know about the phenomenon of SI. But, if I had gotten to know and like a girl, and she eventually told me about her SI, I can't imagine holding that against her.

I have, since, seen girls with SI scars, and my only reaction is, how horrible that they had to go through that. Granted, I can imagine that even that reaction might be embarrassing and difficult for her to deal with ... I personally have a hard time accepting sympathy from others. But it seems to me that there are only three responses possible: sympathetic, unsympathetic, or apathetic. And I doubt that you would really want to spend time with a guy whose reaction was one of the last two.

I'd be lying to you if I said the scars themselves weren't ugly. They tell of tremendous pain (emotional probably more than physical), and of the lengths that people will go to try to cope.

What the scars do not do is make the person ugly. Yes, they are permanent and visible evidence of the struggles of your life. But everyone worth knowing has struggled, and has the scars somewhere.

And I can tell you from bitter personal experience, it's not better being in a relationship with someone all of whose scars are on the inside, where you can't see them and keep blundering into them, never knowing why your partner cries out in pain or hits back in anger.

I struggled with whether to post this, because I'm a guy and I don't SI, so in many ways, I can never know, and what I had to say might not be seen as supportive. But it is meant to be.

[mscat]

Thanks for the reply mscat. When I first started I was so desperate that I didn’t care about the consequences, but I have come to feel a certain loss and regret over what I have done to myself. It seems like maybe that is what you are describing about the effect that the self-injury has had on your life. It’s definitely an issue for me, even though I have never had to deal with the serious consequences that you mentioned--all I really have to deal with is a body full of scars. The relief is momentary but the scars stay there forever. It’s a challenge…the everyday stuff like never being able to wear what I actually want to wear because I have to find a way to cover my scars. Dating…when guys show interest in me I feel like maybe I can be pretty but its false advertisement because if they really got to know me and see my scars they would not like me anymore. Sometimes the shame about the scars gets in the way though, and I just use it as an excuse to hurt myself more…like I’m already a mess so it doesn’t really matter anyway. I don’t want to resort to self-injury and drinking anymore so I’m really trying to learn better ways of dealing with things.

There is something else that I tried to do to help me feel better about all the scars....

I got a Black rose tattoo. It is very detailed and nice, everyone thinks so. However after one Tattoo, I had to have more. LOL. My reason for it was that it took away the attention from the burn scars. This has actually worked in it's own way.

i also got an eyebrow piercing. The best way to describe me is that i am overweight, 40, and have arms full of burn scars, half a arm , and wrist, fingers severely burned, and the other arm too, with one half a leg severely burned , and a stomach severely burned... Then the tats , one on each side of my neck, and on my right arm, there are flames, and little tats surrounding the flames, an Egale on my right forearm, and a small skull with bat wings , and also little black paw prints on each of my fingers, 9 paws on my left fingers, and 8 on the right, because of the burns there could not be more.

I am not just the average person, but I do not care, cause I stay inside most of the time anyway.

AND i typically wear a jacket, mainly because I am aneimic , and I don't want to show off all the tats and burns. AND when there are new si marks .

I am glad that you are not Si'ing or drinking anymore. That is wonderful.

i have not Si'ed since the last, severe one , becasue I am scared that once I start up again i will not be able to quit.

Malign,

That was a very nice thing to write about girls who SI. Often times the person does feel ugly and bad inside themselves, and Si is an outter expression of the internal pain one feels . Sometimes i feel like it is deserved punishment, or it is a way to feel alive again, bringing me back to reality. It is difficult for most people to separate the person from the scars themselves because it all goes from the way a person thinks and what is going on in their lives. The scars are only just the beggining of a whole mess of heartache and pain , anger, sadness, abuse, insecurity, relationships. Gee the list is endless.

[Lie_low]

Thanks for the replies malign and mscat. Malign--what mscat said is true and I really appreciate your feedback, so thanks for writing. Mscat--I am actually still struggling with the SI and the drinking and I’m doing my best to avoid it but I’m having trouble coping with everything. I have thought about tattoos to cover some of the scars on my wrists but I don’t think it would fit with my style. I think that if I’m able to quit SI for good I’ll look into plastic surgery to reduce some of the scarring, even though I know what can be done is fairly limited.

I’m just trying to get better and I think that’s good because in the past I didn’t even possess the motivation to do that. I’m glad that I forced myself to look for help but doing it has been thoroughly anxiety provoking for me. I have been feeling strange lately. I was about to say that I have been feeling especially sad lately but I also have moments where I am so exited and talkative and I just keep on going even though I know I should shut up and its sort of odd because normally I’m really quiet. I need some rest and I would just like to be able to sleep but I’m still having a lot of trouble doing that and this week has been particularly bad.

Edited February 28, 2009 by Lie_low

[mscat]

I understand how difficult it is not to SI or drink. My Brother is a heavy drinker and when I dirnk with him I always over do it. SO, i try not to go over his house because I know he will want to drink and listen to music, and i know I do not know when to stop.... I have a lot of fun drinking and all , but it is not beer that I prefer. I don't like to drink alone either, but have plenty at home to do so.

PLastic surgery is a good alternative, however many surgeons will not do it unless one has full stopped the SI for a long time. They are concerned that it is a waste of time to cover up the scars of A si'er who is going to just do it again.

My scars on the left arm have finally startde to fade a little , but the surgeron skin graphed a part of the arm , that I was not thinking needed graphed. He did that at the same time as the stomach and hip area. I was miffed that he did the one on the arm, but it to,d me that SI was worse then I thought.

SI for me, has become extremely out of control at times. Seems like I have "mastered" A sickning skill. terrible forme even to write that down. But I do not understand fully as to why it has become this bad .

Some of the things I've done in the past has been to the extreme to myself. The Anorexia/Bulimia became life threatening . AND now that the ED is not taken over my life, I am now the total opposite, I am now A "big fat" person.

Oh well some might think i still have an ED cause my weight is not normal.

Seems like i can't ever get under control.

I am very glad that you are seeking help ! Yes, it is extremely anxiety provoking. However, once you start going a few times you will calm down and it will become easier.

[Lie_low]

So I’m going to my first therapy appointment tomorrow and I’m feeling sick with anxiety over it. I told him about the self-injury right off the bat because I knew I would just try to hide it like I did with my psychiatrist and not really get anything done. I’m sorry for the pointless post. I guess I’m just looking for encouragement because I’m afraid that I will say something stupid and feel like I need to hurt myself afterwards.

[mscat]

So I’m going to my first therapy appointment tomorrow and I’m feeling sick with anxiety over it. I told him about the self-injury right off the bat because I knew I would just try to hide it like I did with my psychiatrist and not really get anything done. I’m sorry for the pointless post. I guess I’m just looking for encouragement because I’m afraid that I will say something stupid and feel like I need to hurt myself afterwards.

Lie low,

Your so brave. This is NOT a pointless post. Were here for you, and I understand what you are going through in regards of self injury, and the urges to do so. How are you doing now? How was your first therapy appointment? The first appointment is always the most stressful. As many times and new therapists I've been to I've always had the butterflies in my stomach on the first visit.

These therapists have seen self injury many times in people, a lot , if that helps you feel any better. Self injury is common and I really do not believe A therapsit even flinches over it . SI is what it is, and it doe not mean the person is crazy or anything.

I'll tell you something, just yeasterday, I went to my Psychatrist, whi I had not seen in several months since a very severe self injury. He alsways asks me , any new burns? Well Yes, I say, then i like say your a doctor, cause they are medical docs too, so I lift the bottom of my shirt up a little and it is severely burned up, as bad as it can possibly get, my whole torso is like that, and well he looks away fast, says to me , it makes him sick, bodily fluids.... My injuries are healed no bodily fluids , but anyhow, sometimes even the most experienced doctors, can get a little yucked out .

They just don't know how to react .But, mine are severe injureies .

You probably had a fine session, and it went well I am proud of you , and i hop that you are relieved that it is over. Good job for going and making it through this hard step!

[Lie_low]

Thanks for the reply mscat, (and for calling me brave) because I feel like a coward. It went ok. I couldn’t stop myself from fidgeting and I couldn’t get my anxiety under control. It seems like he understands self-injury pretty well. He did ask a lot of questions and it was difficult for me to answer them. I don’t know why, but when I tell someone something about myself that I am ashamed of, I want to hurt myself. And I pretty much dislike everything about me so “something” could be anything personal about me. I had a pretty good day at work, and I was able to be silly and laugh but I felt so disgusted with myself. I went home and cut myself because I couldn’t stop thinking about how stupid I am. I just want to move on.

[mscat]

Lie Low ,

Your not stupid ! PLease be nice to yourself , taking it out on yourself , feeling bad, self blaming, HUn, i know all of this too well myself, and it is very hard for me to tell someone else , NOT to SI, when I do the exact thing.

However, maybe If I can help you , it can help me by seeing it from a anther persons eye's , yet, we both have our own reasons why.

PLease take care of your cuts. You are not alone, and by no means deserve to be punished. Your a descent, sweet, good , person . you have done nothing wrong .

It is difficut to talk about yourself , especially when your feeling the way you do right now. I am glad you went to talk to a therapist, are you going back? the first time is always the hardest.

[Lie_low]

Thanks for the reply mscat; you know I always appreciate it. My therapist emailed me and I told him about how I was feeling and now I feel better about the situation. I am going to go back because I’m really committed to getting better and I don’t know what else to do.

[Lie_low]

Sorry to bother anyone who reads by posting on my own thread yet again but I’m really feeling horrible right now and I don’t know what to do. I had a rough day at work. Running on little sleep and I got in a minor car accident yesterday that could have been prevented and was completely my fault. Despite my best efforts I’m a horrible driver and this was not my first accident. Why am I such an idiot some times? Yuck. I am really disgusted with myself. I don’t understand…I really try and I still mess up.

[malign]

Again, Lie_low, you're not bothering anybody. In fact, this thread is where I go to find out how you're doing. :-)

I'm sorry to hear about the car accident. Those are never fun. But, keeping in mind the word "accident", you can't afford to spend very much time blaming yourself. We all know where those kinds of thought end up.

It happened, and it sounds like no one was hurt. That's a reason to be thankful, to me. You and everyone else involved is in one piece. Please try to keep it that way? :-)

[Lie_low]

Thanks for the reply malign. I appreciate it because I can’t talk to anyone in real life about how I am doing so I don’t get any feedback about it. It helps to know that someone even notices or cares because sometimes it seems like nobody does, but maybe that’s my fault for keeping everything to myself (because you can’t really get any support if no one knows what you’re going through, but it seems impossible for me to actually tell someone when I’m struggling) …I don’t know. It’s just so difficult sometimes.

[malign]

I agree, the feedback is important, especially when you're depressed. Depression has a way of affecting a person's belief system, and if you never check yourself, you can easily jump to some strange conclusions.

You're telling us when you're struggling. That's a start. It's worth trying in person, too, when you feel up to it.

Have you thought about e-mailing your therapist about the accident and how it made you feel? Any accident is traumatic, and who knows, it might help.

And one of my favorite sayings:

"Life -- if it were easy, everyone would be doing it."

[Lie_low]

Thanks malign, and I like the quote. I do realize that I need more support if I’m really going to stop hurting myself. I think that you all know how difficult it is for me to talk to people because I have mentioned this before. Anyway…although it went against everything within me I somehow managed to tell my sister about what I’m doing to try to get better and she responded better than I could have ever imagined. She said how proud she was and how happy it made her that I wanted talk to her. I can’t believe I actually did that! Of course it was through email, lol. I actually told her that it was difficult for me to talk sometimes, and asked if I could email her sometimes when I’m feeling down. I don’t know why I had never thought about that before..Oh well.

[malign]

Hey, that's really great! Both that you reached out to someone and that it worked. And to find out that by talking to your sister, you may have made her day, on top of getting her support, that's just the icing on the cake. You might be surprised how many people you know have just been waiting for you to let them in.

As Mark and Allen point out, we learn about being people by relating to other people. Now, not every interaction will be positive; not every pair is "compatible". But that isn't the "fault" of either person; it doesn't mean one of them is "bad" or "stupid" or anything. It just means they should try again with different people.

Heh, when I start lecturing, it's probably because I'm trying to tell myself stuff that still doesn't come naturally.

[Lie_low]

Thanks for the reply Malign. So… having a strange day. My therapist wants me to go to SAFE Alternatives, a treatment center for self-injury. I think it would help me but I know that if I go I’ll have to tell my family and I’m afraid to because they don’t know I’m still cutting. And if I go I think people will find out, but maybe I should just stop thinking about what other people think and just get the help that I need. Maybe I hide too much. I have kind of been realizing how much I have lost from the self-injury and that it has gone on way too long, and that maybe I need extra help in stopping. I agreed to go the program because I can’t seem to get a handle on any of my behaviors. I feel out of control. At this point it actually seems appealing to be able to go to a place where I won’t be able to hurt myself, drink, or binge. I don’t know how long it will take to get in the program, but I do think that it might help me.

Edited March 17, 2009 by Lie_low

[finding my way]

Lie_low, can you tell us more about this program? We absolutely will support you. Would you be able to access the internet from where you would be? It's sure worth a try, from what you've said so far. I know it must be a tough step to take.