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The story of how I became stupid, literally


tarun829
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I have had depression almost all my life since early childhood (I am 30). When I was 25 I took some anti-depressants on advise of a psychiatrist. I took them for some time and then I stopped because they were not working. But some time after I stopped them I almost completely came out of depression. Suddenly instead of sleeping 12 hours I was sleeping 5 hours and also became smart and stuff overnight. Slowly the effect of the medicine wore off, and I was not as happy as before but wasn't as sad as before either. It was one of the better phases of my mental health, relatively speaking.

Then in 2010, when I was 27 my parents send me to a mental health center/rehab for 3 months because they thought I had schizophrenia. I don't want to get into why they thought I had schizophrenia but I really don't have schizophrenia. I have my MMPI report to prove that.

After 3 months when I came out of the rehab I felt happy because I was free after a long time. But I out for just a month when my family send me back into a rehab for a month. Then again I must have been out for 3 months when my family again send me back into a rehab for thrid time. I was send to the rehab for the third time in a calender year. And this time it was serious. This time they were planning to keep me there for 6 months. I cried over the phone when I learnt about this. I was thinking they would keep me for at the most 3 months and then I would be free. But the doctors thought I should be kept there for 6 months. I think more than anything, it was the stamp of being at a rehab for 6 months that was haunting me. I didn't want to be the person who had stayed at a rehab for 6 months. I tried every trick in the book so that my parents get me a discharge at 3 months or even before that, but nothing worked.

Then when I was 3 months into my "term" at the rehab, I got a call from my father saying that there was a way out. He told me if I want to get discharge now I will either have to take ECT or have to take some injections (he had previously spoken to my psychistrist). I asked if there were any side effect to the injections. When he replied in the negative (no long term side effects), I immediately gave my consent to them.

So then after spending new years in the rehab, starting the first week of January I was given 4 injections, one every alternate day. Immediately after the first injection I got an intense headache after I got up (I had to be sedated for the injection), and I could also feel that my happy mood had been replaced by a depressed one. But I thought these were temporary side effects which would soon be gone. I also went for the rest of the injections because I wanted to go home. After a few more days at the rehab I was given discharge.

At home things were not the same anymore for me, mentally speaking. I wouldn't spend the whole day at the computer surfing the net and listening to music. And I used to get easily bored. My mood had definately changed. Slowly I realised that I shouldn't have taken those injections because the side effects were permanent rather than temporary. It took me some time to realise that not only have the injections have caused my depression to come back, but my testosterone levels have also fallen. And not only had my memory become very weak, but my IQ and sharpness were also affected.

My depression is worse than ever. I am back to sleeping 12-13 hours. My memory has become so weak that I have trouble remembering new things (retention). Most of the time I don't remember what I just read about in the newspaper. I have to go back to it. Recall of other things is also poor, like names. Once I wasn't sure what was the apartment number of the apartment I had been staying in for a year. Another time I couldn't recall for a few minutes which side of the car the driver gets in. The basics of memory are lost. And I do very stupid things whenever there is an opportunity. IQ and sharpness really suck. Don't understand half the articles in the newspaper. Need help even playing solitaire on the computer. I have become incredibly stupid.

Another problem that has started since the injections is that sometimes at night I begin fearing something. Like sometimes I feel that someone is watching me. Other times I fear that I will go crazy. This happens only at night. I wonder when this will completely stop.

I really regret taking the injections. I wish I had exercised caution and stayed 3 more months at the rehab. That would have been so much better. I regret about this almost everyday, and its been almost 2 years to my discharge.

Last year when I asked my psychiatrist (I don't go to him or any other psychiatrist anymore) how long the effect of the injections would stay for, he said the GOOD effect would stay for a minimum of 1 year. Its been almost 2 years and I am still waiting for the effect of the injections to completely wear off so that I can start some treatment. But I wish I had never taken the injections in the first place. I have so much regret about this. I unnecessarily gave myself cognitive decline, dementia and permanent brain damage. I feel so bad.

I sometimes also wonder why God made me smart when I was 25, only to make me dumb and stupid again 2 years later. And I am dumber than even before. I always wanted to be exceptionally smart. So how did this happen to me?

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first and foremost, please, discontinue identifying yourself as 'unitelligent.' most recently connecting with many individuals the first and foremost importance-aspect i realize; is view oneself as an entity. you may not of connected to what society around you expects you to be but BYRSLF first. accept this as a decision to be you, yourself and unique including every one of your hair-breaths. your age is young and what you have experienced can be used as a tool, not a weapon for your life. think about this. i will keep in touch.

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Hi, tarun,

I'm sorry that you've been treated this way - it's hard to believe that this can happen... :( It seems as if your parents manipulated the doctors to treat you as sick despite you weren't (at least not the way they said you were), but I can't understand how it was possible.

One thing is striking in your post: You don't write as "a stupid guy"; so it's obvious that you've maintained at least quite a big part of your intelligence. I believe you that you feel being "dumber", but I wonder if you don't have too big ambitions and if you don't tend to resign when feeling "you're not good enough". Each of us "could/would like to be better" (more intelligent, more smart, more...), but each of us has only two "right" options: Trying to do our best with the abilities we have and/or trying to increase our abilities (or some of them) by training and/or learning and/or experiences. Regardless of the (very sad and upsetting) source of your problems, you're practically in the same situation as we all: You can use just what you have or be stuck in the regrets of not being "smart, intelligent, skillful, ... enough".

Good luck! :)

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@LaLa3 Thank you for your post. I guess you are right that each of us is trying to become better. I don't think one should ever give up trying to improve themselves. The enthusiasm to improve oneself should always be burning. I guess I will just regret what happened for some time and then move on. Can't be stuck in the same place the whole life. Need to finally move on. Thats most important. And learning from your experiences.

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:)

Regret is natural; there certainly is something to regret. But I'm pleased to see that you're so motivated to move on and work on yourself!

I'm tempted to write: "Hey, boy; just read your own sentences and you'll get a perfect proof that you're not stupid at all!" :D;) That's what I feel when I read your posts, but I don't want to sound like belittling your problem/sorrow...

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@LaLa3 Thank you for your support. I guess there are some aspects of my intelligence which reflect intelligence, while some others reflect stupidity. My writing may be reflecting intelligence. Hence you feel I am intelligent.

Hopefully things will improve as the medication wears off. Keeping my fingers crossed. Otherwise I will be seeing a psychiatrist/neurologist for my problems. Lets see how things move in the future. And thanks for the book recommendation.

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  • 2 weeks later...

looks like iam in a situation similar to that of you, i feel trapped - i have a degree in Computer sciences, i hate programming and hated maths since i was a kid, now i have no friends and no job , staying at home, mad at my parents , i loved social sciences, i have fantasies of becoming a war reporter, i have a indepth knowledge of geopolitical conflicts( war stuff) , i quit my job saying to my parents that i wanted to prepare for UPSC, but i hate cramming , so since last one year iam sitting at home, passing time tweeting, feel alone & guilty that iam still a burden to my parents, I feel literally trapped. I regularly loose my train of thoughts, one moment iam hyper exited about some idea(iam all about ideas now, mostly thoughts on politics,war) , the next moment i forget about it, leaves me with a deep sense of loss. makes me mad. I have all the traits of a schiziod. I cant tolerate intimacy, i push away people. I have a bad back, i cant sit for long, so i have to lie on the bed and read, it makes my brain very foggy and sleepy. The sorry part is i have good looks & built , ( it would have been less cruel if i was ugly and depressed), sometimes looking at my face , i cant make the connection . ( like i feel worthless for having a face like that). thing is that i never cared about my looks, have been more kind of a Idealist kind, (like not filling my exam papers because i felt that the examination system is wrong, not that i was very good with my subject).

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