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divorce and intimate relation


maysam
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Hello,

following a long period of silence about the issue, and keeping it all to myself, I decided that I need to seek support. Otherwise honestly, I felt like I was destroying myself with the stress.

the story begins a while back, when I was less than 10 years old and got raped by an older man. In my society it is difficult to talk about these issues, especially if you are a girl. As a child I so wanted to tell my parents, but I couldn't. I kept it with me for a couple of months before I could finally tell them, Their reaction; not angry, but not supportive either. I think they were -or at least appeared to be- indifferent. And we never spoke about it. But at least I could sleep at night, not feeling guilty that I have done something wrong. But I know that I think about it every day.

Years passed by, and as a teenager I had crushes over guys , but I was so strict and so 'polite' -using terminologies from my society - that I never allowed myself nor anyone to get close to me. Knowing that I was in a girls only school as well.

In university, I had a boy friend just for the sake of it, no feelings and of course the only thing which was physical was a kiss at that time. then I had a real attraction towards a specific guy, I thought he was really cute and after getting to know who knows him from my network that I finally got introduced. This person is my husband now.

We had our ups and downs as friends, then I thought he is not the one. Just then that all my friends were blaming me for refusing his love, and I should give him a chance Honestly, he is a girl's dream come true. In terms of how gentle he is and caring and loving. But not what I was looking for. Yet, I gave him a chance ' it is better to end up with someone who loves you but not necessarily the opposite is true'.

We started going out, and yes we went far beyond the kiss stage, but not to an intimate relation. I thought he was physically attracted to me and that felt good, and increased my self esteem. We got engaged, and usually I would initiate kissing him , or asking for a kiss.

the big shock was when I got married; I stayed a virgin for two years. it was like sleeping with a brother. I don't know what was his problem. and I couldn't tell anyone because of my pride and because he is a good person who I simply cannot hurt in a society so small. In addition, I was always giving myself excuses that maybe I am not too attractive for him, maybe he is afraid, maybe it is because we live with his mother. I don't know. Now I know I should have said something, and got a divorce then.

When it finally happened, it was not what I would have expected. too traditional and not willing to take those extra steps to make both of us happy. I was blessed with a baby girl.

We have been married for five years now, and we are both younger than 33 years, yet we only sleep together in an average of once - three times every month. And we did speak about it too many times from my point of view, and I got tired of having to initiate to be so vulnerable talking to him about it, and asking for what I believe is my right. I feel so broken. and at times he would hug me and apologize for me, but nothing happens.

Every time I seize the opportunity that he wants to improve the relation, and I become happy and laugh again and try to be me, then following a week of anticipating and expecting and nothing happens, I get depressed again.

I feel unworthy and not attractive. I even cheated on my husband with a person whom I knew for a while and had feelings for. That one night we spent together was magical. I shouldn't say this I know! But it made things worse for me because I know what I have missed at least in the first two years of our marriage, and I know what it should have been like.

I am torn! I want to end this, because I hate the person I have become , a person who cheated on her husband. a person who is so careless and I simply miss the old me. a person who used to laugh lot , who is so hopeful, who is sociable... On the other hand, I have a baby and I am a mother. I know that my daughter feels the tension between her parents, but it is better than divorce (we try to hide it).

I don't know what to do!!!! I just need someone to talk to. has anybody been in my shoes before?

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