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Can't Stop Myself [TRIGGER]


Sickdaddy72
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4 shrinks are not "many"!!! You need help and it's very sad that you haven't found the right professional yet, but that doesn't mean that the 5th or 6th won't be "the right-one". Anyway, except for a long-term therapy, you'd need an acute help in this crisis (it sounds like a crisis to me); you were able to confess to us about how bad you feel, so now you should "confess" it to somebody "out there" who could practically do something about it. There is a therapy for lowering testosterone levels and prevent your physical attraction / arousal - that's definitely something that can bring a fast relief (and preventing you from acting like a monster)! When you're delaying it, you're just prolonging your suffering and increasing the risk of being harmful!!!

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Hey, what happens? I've read your previous posts; no need to repeat.

"I just can't get my mind fixed" is a distorted thinking and this position can only make all worse. You're avoiding your own responsibility by assuming it's impossible for you to change. It's a dangerous prejudice! :(

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BTW; could it help to imagine that somebody would abuse your son and then "shift" the feelings "on" other kids? Do you have fantasies also about the terrible consequences of abuses? Maybe those fantasies - evoked intentionally, of course - could calm down the other kind of (unwanted) fantasies or make them just fantasies, but not wishes.

But this is only about "the thinking part" of the problem. And there's always the need to fix, at least until your OCD etc. isn't worked out, the hormonal part of the problem...

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Can you find some ways to distract yourself? Maybe it helps to do something relaxing or go for a run? Would it help to consider the girls you speak of in a more personable way? They are people who could be seriously harmed if abuse were to occur.

I hope you continue to look for a therapist who you can work with.

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I'm not sure it's an issue of how you were born. No accident of your birth, nor anything that happened to you after that in childhood, is an excuse for hurting someone else. Am I saying you're an awful person? No, not unless you act on this impulse. You know that the action would harm another person; so it's vital, not just for them but for your own peace of mind, that you find a way to get yourself the help you need before any action occurs. You say you've been fighting for so long, so why not enlist help in your fight?

She may be perfect, or nearly so, but I'm not sure I see how that makes it necessary for you to hurt her. You know that you're not talking about "loving" her, but about having sex with her. Loving a twelve year old girl means keeping her safe and allowing her to develop normally, not repeating the abuse you yourself suffered.

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Maybe I was just born this way. I know I should keep fighting but I'm getting so weak and tired of fighting.

We all have to fight something and although some struggles are certainly more difficult than others, the principle is rather general. When you say you're tired of fighting, it makes me think that you'd like "to have a break", but you can't imagine other option than satisfying "your body's need" by something that would (along with destroying the life of a girl and possibly their parents and prospective husband and family) make you feel even more bad, guilty, suicidal! Why do you consider a temporal relief, few minutes of joy, be more appealing than avoiding long-lasting terrible consequences???

So, the question is, what's a better option for reaching "a break", "a peace", the end or "alleviation" of your fight? You can use the same options (or some of them) as we others do when we're tired of our struggles but want to avoid resignation: Distract yourself with something you're able to focus on, educate and inspire yourself by reading stories about others' fights (have you already read the story I posed before, for instance?), ... There are also many intriguing stories on this forums, btw...

She is just so perfect and I can almost taste her perfection in my mouth.

Yes, your mind perceives her as perfect and makes an object from her, an object which has a special meaning for you. Could you try to identify all the meanings you can decipher in this object? What is her symbolic meaning? What is it you need so much and your mind projected it into that poor girl???

(I wrote this before the previous two posts were posted...)

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LaLa, there has always been one thing that kept my mind of the girls but its kinda silly and plus I have no more help with it. It's Sexting and trading naughty pics, I used to have female friends who would do this with me but have moved on. So I guess everything has hit at once and here is this girl being like a light in my day.(if that makes sense)

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OK, so there was something helping and there's no reason to believe that now you can't find something new.

this girl being like a light in my day.(if that makes sense)

Yes, it does. But it's not the complete answer to the question of her meaning for you.

I think it's better (for you) to be honest with you: It seems to me that you're quite superficial about the whole issue. Maybe you only write this way, I don't know. But when I imagine somebody who's desperate (not too hard for me in the light of my own experiences ;)...), I would expect much more activity, thinking, questions and answers and searching for options, for information, ... OK; you're tired now, but at the same time you're suffering and allowing your tiredness to dominate over the will to overcome the suffering ... points to the fact that there must be also some benefits you have from this current situation. Are there? Or; can you identify them?

I have to go now, so I won't reply soon. But I think there's a lot to think about in our previous posts... ;)

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