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Bad Day


benji
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It's been awhile since I was on here, that's because things had actually been very good overall. The medication seemed to be doing what it's supposed to. But I'm really not doing well today. I had a fight with my partner this morning and he isn't answering his phone now and I can't seem to calm down. I've cancelled all of my appointments today, including my therapy appointment because I'm too upset to leave the house. I'm not sure what to do. I don't feel okay.

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Hi, Benji, it's great that you had been very good!! :)

Bad days, sadly, have to come sometimes... :(

Was the fight very serious? Arguments and fights are parts of all (or almost all) relationship, so... the problem is not that "it happened", but how to handle it. Do you fear some "bad consequences"? Which ones?? Can you imagine a way of resolving the problem the fight was about? What do you expect from your partner: To apologize, to accept your apology, to change his mind, to understand that he misunderstood you, ...???

It seems your partner needs some time to "recover" from the conflict - as well as you do, but in a different way; he doesn't answer the phone as wants to "have a break", while you'd obviously prefer to talk with him. What about not calling him and letting him the time he needs? You can work on your own mood in the meantime.

It's a pity that you canceled your therapy - it might be a good opportunity to see what your therapist can do for you in such a situation.

So; you ask what to do. You'd need to calm down, stop thinking about the fight and do something at least a bit pleasant for you, if possible. Then, when you'll have a distance from the morning (temporal and emotional), you could look at it from another perspective.

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I'd rather not get into the specifics of what it was about, but he did something that was incredibly rude and hurtful and then just drove off. I don't believe I did anything wrong or did anything to deserve it. And he won't answer his phone, which is making me feel like there is nothing I can do about it. It feels like he gets away with hurting me without consequence. He can jsut ignore how upset I am. This is what is making it very hard to calm down. It feels like I was hurt and then have no recourse.

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I'm sorry you're feeling upset, Benji. :(

Can you take steps to take care of yourself right now? Maybe do some breathing exercises or something that helps to calm you?

I hear that you feel upset about your partner's behavior. I agree that it would be a good idea to express this to him. I hope you are able to talk with him soon.

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I can't seem to let go and focus on anything else. I think it's the fact that he hurt me, then left, then I can't even express to him how I feel about it. It feels like somehow it's perfectly ok for him to have done thatand there is nothing I can say about it. So I guess I'm stuck with those thoughts/feelings. ANd it makes me even more frustrated becasuse the whole day is wasted now with me being too upset to function. I don't even know what I'd say to him. He needs to talk. He needs to apologize. And if he doesn't, I don't even know what I will do. This is causing me a lot of upset. I don't know how to calm down right now. I feel like I can't calm down until its resolved, but it's up to him to do that and there's nothing I can do.

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Does it help to write out your feelings? That often helps me, though I know everyone is different. Sometimes if I sit down, close my eyes, and take a deep breath that helps me to create a small space of comfort. It can be very difficult when control is out of our hands. I struggle with that sometimes, too. I hope you can find a way to comfort yourself.

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I don't know that I'm capable of calming down right now. I feel too out of control. I'm so angry and hurt and frustrated. I can't even think. Maybe writing it would help, but I feel like I need him to read it. I need him to hear what I have to say without it just making things worse. It makes me feeling like I am nothing and worthless and undeserving of respect or care. These feelings are too much for me and they remind me too much of how may parents always made me feel. This is very hard.

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Maybe writing it would help, but I feel like I need him to read it.

I'd suggest to give it a try. I hope he'll read it and be willing to understand.

Maybe you could establish together some "rules" about which behaviour is "not allowed" because it's too hurting to the other. Then maybe also discuss together what to do when somebody "breaks the rules". (But this is rather a topic for a good mood, not for such a stressful situation as it is now.)

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