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is there a name for whats wrong with me?

rosco j

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i've had this for many years, but its gotten much worse now that i'm older (mid 50s).

i have these short episodes, maybe five or ten times a day, more or less... and i dont realize it's happening for a few seconds. I'm unaware of what i'm doing.

its usually triggered by a random memory and i don't realize its happening but it causes me to be extremely upset, i usually let out a couple of cuss words or some angry noises without realizing it and usually clench my fists and teeth or even hit my head or bang my fist.

then i become aware of what i'm doing and force myself to calm down, which i am able to do, almost instantly now, coz of all the practice i've had.

i'm not a violent or angry person btw .. i'm the opposite...a total pacifist and ridiculously sensitive. i dont even like to hurt my dog's feelings.

anyway, i wish i was able to catch myself BEFORE this happens. I've tried, unsuccessfully.

it usually happens when i'm by myself, thankfully! (coz i'm a homebody) ..but once in a while it happens at inappropriate times. very embarrassing.

anyway, i get the feeling its sorta like PTSD ?? ...but it cant be, coz the memories that trigger it aren't traumatic. I looked up PTSD and it didn't describe me, as far as i can tell.

i had a test for Alzheimer's, coz i was scared, but that wasnt it. whew!

maybe some kind of dementia?.. like the bag-ladies downtown who talk to themselves?

any ideas would be appreciated

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Hello, Rosco, welcome :!

I'm sorry but we cannot give you a diagnosis - it would be even irresponsible as we are not doctors and don't have enough info. However, it's good that you seek for some insights.

My first idea is that you should consult a specialist - maybe neurologist would be appropriate, but your GP should know to which specialist refer you to. When you had the test for Alzheimer's, did you describe your symptoms/problems to the doc?

My 2nd question is related to the PTSD. Despite the fact that it doesn't sound like PTSD, I wonder if you had survived a trauma which could trigger this disorder. Of course you don't have to write about it - maybe you've processed it many years ago and thinking about it now again would be uselessly harmful. I really don't want to trigger bad memories. I'm asking because I suppose that in case if a neurologist (and possibly another specialist) tells you you're physically alright, then it would be logical to see a psychiatrist.

Maybe... one last question: You said you've had this for many years. Can you remember anything unusual that had happened during ~one year before it started?

Take care!

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Welcome to the community, Rosco. :)

I'm sorry you are going through this. :( It's hard to tell from here, and it's true that we don't diagnose, but it sounds like you could be describing a trigger that may be causing you to disassociate. I agree that it's always good to check things out medically first to be certain there is not a physical cause. You mention the memories do not seem traumatic. Are they pleasant or unpleasant memories? Traumatic memories and responses can be tricky to discern at times. Environmental cues (sights sounds, smells) can trigger old memories. Trauma can also be cumulative over a long period of time. We might even at times be disassociating from the bad feelings that have been triggered. Is there any trauma or distress in your past? How is your life now? Any depression or anxiety?

Take care.

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thanks so much for the response. and i think youre right, a neurologist might be appropriate. i do have a GP and maybe she will connect me to one near me. i did have a physical trauma, years ago, a head injury. and it never seemed connected to this .. but ...who knows ... i will bring this up to my GP. maybe she didnt make that connection either. Again, thanks for the response :)

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There are also neurological disorders such as Tourrette's where the symptoms include involuntary movement and speech, including sometimes swear words. These aren't mental illnesses, and no psychological dissociation may be involved; they come under seizure disorders, I think, which suggests they might be controllable in the same way.

Describe your episodes as completely as you can to your doctor, and see what they come up with.

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