no where to turn

[yogamermaid]

I just had a very deep conversation with my adult daughter regarding her frustration due to my keeping details from her regarding my relationships with men and how it triggers her childhood when i would just say we were friends and end up marrying them. We had a very adult talk but afterwards i felt like i at been ripped from the inside out and experienced a panic attack. I realize all the damage i did as a mother and appreciate my daughter speaking out in a healthy way... but the after effect was so severe i was left with the urge to destroy any good about me or my possessions because i feel as though i have no value and do not deserve happiness after i see the hurt i have caused.

i needed space to process everything because my negative self loathing had to be put in perspective. when she expressed her love for me i told her i didn't feel like i was loved and for her not to take it personally, i believed she's telling me the truth,,,i just couldn't accept it.

i have such an overwhelming urge to destroy my things, cut myself or do execute some sort of punishment. I don't have anyone close to me to lean on and so i threw my brandnew laptop out into the street smashing it and then took kolonopin and 2 lorazepams. I really at this point feel the pain of seeing my daughter in pain is unbearable and nothing could be worse - even self-harm.

suggestions for better solutions?

[LaLa]

Hello, yogamermaid, welcome

I'm sorry you've been feeling so bad and have lost (temporarily, I believe) your self-worth . I can see that it had to be very shocking, upsetting, and disappointing. However, it was certainly a good thing to have such a talk and it's great that your daughter expressed your love for you and didn't want to punish you by not expressing it. She wouldn't lie about her feelings for you!!! If she didn't love you, she would prefer just to blame you and punish you by her anger and refusal. Her love and her fair attitude can be seen, in my opinion, as a good proof that you didn't "destroy her/her life" to the extend you imagine now. She still accepts you and want you as a mother. So if you want to be good to her (and it seems you want, from what you wrote ), then don't refuse her this way and don't punish her for telling the truth by somehow destroying your life (self-harming, destroying things, ...).

I realize all the damage i did as a mother

May I ask what damage you did? From what you mentioned, it doesn't seem as real "damage" and I don't perceive it as dramatic, so I'd like to understand why you do/did. Did your daughter present it that way or it's just your interpretation?

It's hard to realize our past, "up to now unseen" mistakes and accept the new self-image they offer . It's natural to feel remorse and anger etc. However, every crisis offers an opportunity to "grow", to change for better, to profit from new experiences. Now it might seem impossible to you, but I believe you'll change your perspective in time, when the emotions will calm down a bit.

I hope you'll write more about the process of dealing with this new situation - sharing our feelings and thoughts can often be helpful.

Take care!

[IrmaJean]

Hi, yogamermaid, and welcome.

This sounds very painful for you. I sometimes question myself too when I see my daughter struggling. I know I was very anxious and stressed during her formative years, and I have wondered if this did emotional damage to her. It's wrenching to consider when we love someone so very much. My heart goes out to you. I don't think that any parent can be perfect. You love one another and this is a beautiful thing. You can be open and honest with one another and this is wonderful. Today is a day you can build on together. I hope you can support one another and heal. I'm sorry you are hurting. I hope you will be gentle and kind to yourself now. Compassion can be very healing. I noticed your screen name and wonder if you enjoy yoga? Maybe this activity would help to calm your distressful feelings?

Take care.