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I'm a 23 year old black female. I stand out around here for being a gothic/emo/indie nerd. Jade isn't my real name, but I've always like it and I see it as symbolic for how I am now, a very jaded person. So, I thought it would be a nice alias to use. My Avatar is a character named Satsuki Yatoji from an anime series called X. I relate to her a lot: we're both timid, senstive introverts with a love for technology who have become apathetic in our adult lives. Even our styles are similar. So, I felt she would make nice avatar because I'm too paranoid to put my real picture on the internet.

To make a long story short and sweet; I had a very complicated childhood that would a take a week in therapists office(when I can finally afford one) so let's just say it I was abused, sheltered, and abandoned to the point that it fucked me up as an adult and I had to do some morally questionable things to finally get out of that enviroment(nothing that would get me put in jail, but I sure as hell am no saint).

I've been to counseling and got told I'm too fucked up for them to handle and that I need intense therapy. I haven't been officially diagnosed, but I can't shake this nagging feeling that I have an anxiety disorder(I deal with lingering feelings of unease and have panic attacks every once in a while) and Borderline Personality Disorder(I'm having a huge identity crisis, used to self harm, and used to be suicidal). My introversion and sensitivity has made these feelings even more intesnse.

Because of these issues and the fact that I just plain don't fit in around here, I have no friends and wonder if I can ever get a boyfriend. I used to go to normal forums to cope with my loneliness, but I learned that people can be vicious on the internet and I was too detached from the other members because they were well-adjusted/had easy childhoods(I just couldn't relate. I felt like and still do feel like a foreigner whenever I'm around people).

My family, who I love(and resent, but that's for my future therapist) just don't understand why I can't "snap out of it" and in public, I have to fake normalcy because I'm not stupid; there's a stigma against people like me who are "damaged" and I'm not letting that fuck up me chance a better future for myself and that's not even getting into people who would use it against me(because I learned the hard way that you gotta watch who pour your heart out to these days. I have a wall now and you have to work your ass off to get past it).

I've accepted that because of my childhood, I will forever be "in rehab" where each day is a struggle; some good, rocky, or flat out bad. I've also accepted that even in my own family, I'll have to hold back my "dark" side because of either not wanting to be a burden or a lack of understanding. That's why I'm joining this forum: I need a place where I can let myself go with people who are just as(or more) damaged as I am. I'm basically deserapte for understanding and acceptance.

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