thegarden Posted December 1, 2012 Report Posted December 1, 2012 Now, when I was younger, I always strived to be my version of a good person; kind, generous, and selfless, to put it briefly. Sometimes, however, I used to fake worse symptoms of OCD. I don't know why; maybe I wanted attention, maybe it was for fun. How foolish of me.Ever since my diagnosis of OCD, my life has been nothing but hell. (The psychiatrists who diagnosed me raised up a lot of questions about unhappiness from my past.) I lost a lot of sleep; I have no ability to concentrate; I am always filled with guilt and self-hatred for things that I think I did, but have no reliable proof for my guilt; and I am just not a pleasant guy to be around with anymore.I'm not saying that I never had OCD; I actually used to fake some symptoms that I never had, before I got diagnosed. I remember how, in grade 5, I used to get incredibly disturbing thoughts about attaching my dog on a moving train, and dragging him until he died. Even further back, I had random fears and worries that I killed my pets. Whenever we were driving back from church, or somewhere away from my pets, I would ask my mom, "Is [insert animal] dead?" with her replying "no".Before, I used to think about how much I want to die because of the pain that OCD has flooded my life with. But I've realized that I can't just run away from my problems; I have to defeat what my therapist calls "the OCD monster". I don't care how miserable or guilty I feel; Suicide would completely shatter my family. But I'm not afraid of death; I'd gladly accept it when I absolutely have to go. But I'd rather something else kills me, because like I said, suicide is a big no-no in my family.Once again, I apologize for being so foolish, and faking OCD in the past. Now I'm much wiser, and being a sufferer of (currently) severe OCD myself, I know that it's not something anybody should ever want.
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