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To fellow OCD sufferers, I want to apologize for faking it in the past


thegarden
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Now, when I was younger, I always strived to be my version of a good person; kind, generous, and selfless, to put it briefly. Sometimes, however, I used to fake worse symptoms of OCD. I don't know why; maybe I wanted attention, maybe it was for fun. How foolish of me.

Ever since my diagnosis of OCD, my life has been nothing but hell. (The psychiatrists who diagnosed me raised up a lot of questions about unhappiness from my past.) I lost a lot of sleep; I have no ability to concentrate; I am always filled with guilt and self-hatred for things that I think I did, but have no reliable proof for my guilt; and I am just not a pleasant guy to be around with anymore.

I'm not saying that I never had OCD; I actually used to fake some symptoms that I never had, before I got diagnosed. I remember how, in grade 5, I used to get incredibly disturbing thoughts about attaching my dog on a moving train, and dragging him until he died. Even further back, I had random fears and worries that I killed my pets. Whenever we were driving back from church, or somewhere away from my pets, I would ask my mom, "Is [insert animal] dead?" with her replying "no".

Before, I used to think about how much I want to die because of the pain that OCD has flooded my life with. But I've realized that I can't just run away from my problems; I have to defeat what my therapist calls "the OCD monster". I don't care how miserable or guilty I feel; Suicide would completely shatter my family. But I'm not afraid of death; I'd gladly accept it when I absolutely have to go. But I'd rather something else kills me, because like I said, suicide is a big no-no in my family.

Once again, I apologize for being so foolish, and faking OCD in the past. Now I'm much wiser, and being a sufferer of (currently) severe OCD myself, I know that it's not something anybody should ever want.

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