paedophile and fine with it

[IrmaJean]

I'm sorry you're hurting.

i feel sure that if i did not have her in my life, i would have killed myself after being treated the way i was there.

I hear you. If you work toward healing and feeling better about yourself, you may find that others' responses won't have such power. Maybe you could reconsider getting help for yourself? I would encourage you to reach out if you feel unsafe.

[The Beholder]

reaching out is what makes me feel unsafe. every place i've gone to for help has resulted in my being mistreated. every fear i had about people assuming i'm dangerous was absolutely confirmed by what happened on that forum. and not just by the posters there, but by the admins. i'm all that much more terrified of seeking help now. i can't even imagine seeking it in a non-anonymous setting. everything just makes my fear worse.

[The Beholder]

i have a lot of regular mundane problems in my life (job, health, money), and i feel no motivation to solve those problems, because i just feel like there's no point. even with all those things out of the way, i'm still spending the rest of my life in hiding. why bother trying to accomplish anything?

[malign]

Beholder, this is clearly a very difficult situation. You said, "i can't get help, i can't bear to hide, and i can't just die." I hear and understand your frustration, but I also know from personal experience that it's very possible to construct inescapable-seeming situations. I nearly talked myself into suicide because I refused to consider the other options; I might even say that such situations are fairly common, at least for those who haven't already solved their dilemmas. If two forces come into conflict inside you and neither one is willing to compromise ... well, war is the usual result in the outside world; it's probably pretty similar inside. And the question is probably the same one I would ask two warring governments: how much is peace worth to you?

[The Beholder]

you're not even interested in helping, are you? you're interested in shaming me. i've heard nothing from you except that everything is my fault and i should just stop it. don't talk to me anymore.

[Luna-]

Hi Beholder, I'm Luna.

I haven't been here in a long time, but I recently came back and read through this thread. Perhaps I haven't picked up much, but It seems to me you are not getting what you want from a forum and are frustrated because of this. Could you explain what it is that you want from us so we can see if we have this, to give?

People on this forum are generally well-meaning and would like to help, but sometimes we hit walls when we try. It seems you and we have hit a wall. What would you like to hear?

[IrmaJean]

Sometimes, if we fear something will happen, we see it everywhere even when it isn't intended. I do that too, sometimes. For example, if I feel afraid that I will be rejected, my mind may turn and twist the incoming information to support my fear. I've done that way too many times to count...

We're trying to help, but sometimes it's hard to know the best way to do that or what to say. Can you help us by telling us what you need from us and how you would like to be supported?

[The Beholder]

i need help living with my fear! i need help learning how to cope with fear instead of being dominated by it! pretending my fear is not justified is not the solution!

[IrmaJean]

I hear you. I would never want to question your feelings.

Have you tried confronting your fears and sitting with the feeling? I don't know if that might help or not, but I find it helps me. I copied this (below) from something I posted elsewhere on the forum because I think I explained it as well as I could here. I'm talking about pain here, but I think it works for fear too. Just something to consider. There are different ways to manage feelings and each person has to find what works best for them.

In the past, whenever I have felt emotional pain, my first instinct was to fight it, to try to escape, and thus I would become agitated and distressed, which served only to intensify and give energy to my pain. I know now that though it does hurt, it will pass. It means something. So what I try to do now is sit with it, let it come, feel it, surrender to it, confront it, listen to it...It can't really hurt me on a deeper level other than the passing feeling. I try now to learn from it. What I have found is if I stare right at it and open my eyes to it, I can pass through it, and find something meaningful and healing from it. Pain will pass and I will still be. Perhaps even stronger now knowing that, though it is both challenging and difficult, I can manage it and even grow from it. Empowering for me.

[The Beholder]

no, i'm talking about a fear of other people, a fear that is not unrealistic or exaggerated. the only way to face it would be to put myself in real danger.

[IrmaJean]

I'm listening. I hear your feelings and I respect them.

Am I understanding correctly that you feel you will be physically harmed by others?

Which is more threatening to you, the feeling of fear itself or the potential danger?

Do you think it's possible to disagree with someone without wanting to hurt them?

[The Beholder]

i'm not talking about a disagreement. people believe that my involuntary feelings make me a threat to their children. that provokes absolute fury in people. if anyone who felt such unthinking hatred found out about me, or even SUSPECTED, that would be the end of everything for me. the danger cannot be understated. people have had their lives destroyed just from being FALSELY accused of being attracted to children.

[Lana73]

I have not been following all your posts but read several. I am not a psychotherapist but your obsessive thinking reminded me of the way I used to think about one particular issue In my life. I think you have a very legitimate reasons for having all those fears you described above.

I would recommend to read about obsessive thinking. Educate yourself. There are some technics that could teach you how to overcome them. It helped me. You can actually control your negative thoughts. Your thoughts are not you. They don't represent who you really are. They are just thoughts.

[The Beholder]

I don't even know what you're talking about at this point. What negative thoughts? That people want me dead? Those aren't thoughts, that's fact.

[Luna-]

i need help living with my fear! i need help learning how to cope with fear (my emphasis - Luna) instead of being dominated by it! pretending my fear is not justified is not the solution!

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is said to help with fear. Maybe you could try and read about it?

Edited: to add your quote at the top.

[The Beholder]

But again, that's for dealing with unrealistic fears caused by bad thinking. My fears aren't unrealistic. I am in real danger.

[Lana73]

"I don't even know what you're talking about at this point. What negative thoughts? That people want me dead? Those aren't thoughts, that's fact."

You stated above that your fears caused by your bad thinking. Your fears are unrealistic.

So don't you think that you have negative obsessive thoughts?

It seems to me that no matter what people say on this site, you just want to feel like a "victim", which you are. You are a victim of your obsessive thinking.

You need to get professional help.

[The Beholder]

<word removed> you. I just explained that my fears are NOT unrealistic. If I am outed, i will be assaukted, my home will be vandalised, i will lose my job and be evicted, and I will be the first suspect in every sex crime. These are REAL DANGERS!

Edited March 20, 2013 by malign
Swear word removed

[Luna-]

You may find people are more friendly towards you if you don't lash out at them, Beholder.

So how do you propose to deal with the danger and the fear? It's really over to you, hard as that seems. What steps can you take?

[malign]

Okay, fine, you don't like a person's answer, you say so. Swearing doesn't make it more true.

I have absolutely no interest in shaming anyone, as I hope you would know if you read any of this site at all.

I'm going to go through this as simply as I can, just to make sure there aren't any implications you don't like, but simply so that we can maybe narrow the discussion down to what will eventually help you.

First, you're afraid.

Second, you're certain that your fear is justified, that the danger is real.

Third, you feel that this danger applies to you because of your sexual beliefs.

Beyond that, I'm less certain, in part because the earlier posts are old enough that your views may have shifted, so you're welcome to extend this list if you think it might be helpful.

I guess I'm trying to understand how, if none of these issues is "in your head", what help we as a mental health website can be? Are you seeking support for your fear? There isn't much people can do to help with a fear that's realistic, after all. About all they can suggest is to avoid the danger, and we've tried that before, too. How would you like us to help you?

[The Beholder]

You may find i don't lash out at people who actually pay attention to what i'm saying.

Let's do a little test, shall we? Just to see who's actually been listening.

Malign, what exactly is the danger I'm describing that you suggest I avoid?

[Cece.dedesl]

No one is shaming you here, you are shaming yourself and projecting it on us. It's a defense mechanism. I understand.

We are trying to help but you don't think you can be helped. So you lash out, another defense mechanism. I understand.

You are scared and you're in pain. We understand and we WANT to help. Can you put forth a little effort here and try to accept that we are trying?

We wouldn't be responding if we didn't care or were judging you.

You're pissed. You don't think we "get it" but you aren't getting us! We are TRYING to be supportive, we are giving you our time that we could be using to work on our own issues and you keep treating us like shit.

Take a deep breath.. Try to be open minded and actually read what we are saying from a less defensive point of view.

You came back here for a reason. You know it's safe here but you have to try to be responsive and communicate in a way that will ultimately benefit YOU.

[The Beholder]

It is not safe here, it's just apathetic rather than openly hostile as other places have been. But you are not trying to help, you are trying to place blame, to make yourselves feel better at my expense. THAT is a defense mechanism. You do not understand, because you don't want to.

As long as you are willing to ignore what I say and just tell me it's all my fault and it's all in my head, you are not trying to help. Helping would mean listening to me and understanding what I'm experiencing and giving some sort of positive, constructive suggestion instead of some destructive bullshit to put me down. You hear what you want to hear, and none of it is what i'm saying. I don't even need to be here for the kind of communication YOU are seeking.

If you aren't willing to help, LEAVE ME ALONE.

[Cece.dedesl]

I'm not blaming you for who you are or what you are going through but I am upset with you for acting like an ass while we our trying are best to support you. Big difference.

Respect and understanding goes both ways.

[The Beholder]

Apparently on this site, it doesn't go either way. Show me some respect and understanding and maybe we can have a conversation. If not, GO AWAY.