paedophile and fine with it

[IrmaJean]

It helps me to do calming activities during times of fear and stress. I enjoy reading, writing poetry, meditating, listening to music and walking the dog. Do you have any hobbies you enjoy that might bring you some moments of serenity?

Is there anything else about yourself you'd like to share? How are things in your everyday life? Maybe we can relate better to you if we get to know you better. Just a thought.

[The Beholder]

Nothing that wouldn't make it too easy to identify me.

[The Beholder]

People getting to know me is exactly the danger I'm avoiding.

[malign]

Have you ever noticed you don't reply to questions; you ask one of your own, instead?

As I understand it, the danger you fear is basically every other person, because one of them might find out your personal preference and destroy you because of it. That would leave the possibility of avoiding all people, or if you do venture out among them, not giving away your preference. One of those you're doing already and don't want to continue, and the proposal of the other was met with "I shouldn't have to".

You've effectively got us in a bind, because the reality of the world is that there probably is no way you can both be open and completely safe. I didn't make that reality. I can't revoke it, either. If in the end you insist that neither issue has any component that is internal to you, how is it a mental health issue? You might argue it as a social justice issue, for instance, but then where do we come in?

[FrenzyFire]

Your fear may be justified, but the problem is that you're assuming that it would ever come to fruitiion. Nobody has any idea you feel the way you do, the point is that you are assuming they will be able to figure it out or suspect you...even when it is that fear that is causing your behavior to change. The point is, that what they're trying to say I assume is that the danger may be real but the danger of ACTUALLY being discovered you are overblowing. How would they know? They don't know what's going on in your head. A while back I linked you to the article on the illusion of transparency, because that's where people assume that others know about their internal state than they actually do. You assume people can tell or will be able to tell or suspect you but the fact is they most likely won't unless you're actually doing something suspicious.

[The Beholder]

Can you guys do me a favour?

STOP TALKING ABOUT IT LIKE IT'S A DAMN HOBBY!!!!

We''re not talking about thoughts here! This isn't something I just think about in my head and can just remain there! we're talking about an involuntary sexual response that takes over my body with a flood of hormones! I can't even conceal that around girls my own age, let alone when it's combined with the absolute panic when it's caused by younger girls! What are people supposed to think when I blush and shake and sweat and can't breathe or speak or think properly? If I didn't actually strap my penis in place every day, I'd have been found out long ago!

Stop treating it like it's something I'm choosing to do!

[malign]

Well, okay ... It's possible that I, for one, misunderstood.

I don't have a sexual response to anyone that's significant enough that it can't be concealed, so for me, it is a choice whether to make my interest in someone visible to them.

It's rather problematic what a person would do if that's not the case. Society does expect us to some extent to be able to interact with others without putting our sexual response to those others on the table in front of us. What would you do if the other person were offended by your sexual interest in them?

[The Beholder]

There is a huge difference between sexual attraction and sexual interest. Most men seem to have such a mild sexual response that the only way to know about it is for them to express sexual interest, usually verbally. My sexual response is so strong that it's a battle to keep it from showing plainly. It causes physical pain to restrain it (like the feeling you get when you feel like sobbing but are trying not to). But I have only expressed sexual interest to one person, as I described before. Paedophilia aside, our society is still much too prudish for me to feel comfortable in doing that. Women have been taught to feel offended by attraction, doubly so when they are already in a relationship, which baffles me, since I don't believe in monogamy.

I think people should always be free to show or express attraction when they feel it, no matter who to. If a gay man were to say I was attractive, or get an erection from looking at me, it would just make me feel good about myself, even though I cannot reciprocate, and any sexual action he were to take towards me would by definition be an assault because of that. Just because he feels attraction doesn't mean he has any intention to violate my boundaries. But that's what people in our society assume, at least when it's a man feeling the attraction.

[malign]

Well, I certainly sympathize with you if the response is that strong. I also agree that it's better to reserve expressing interest to those you expect to be receptive, but my reason appears to be slightly different from yours.

Let me illustrate using the example you gave of a gay man being interested in you. You said "... it would just make me feel good about myself, ... and any sexual action he were to take towards me would by definition be an assault ...". Okay, but (and I'm reading between the lines here, so check me if I'm wrong) it appears that you do not fear such a sexual assault. Would you react differently if you did fear assault, and you believed that the encounter might escalate into that? After all, if you did have such a pre-existing fear, you probably wouldn't be accurately estimating the odds that it would escalate.

That aside, though, there are many situations in our daily lives where a sexual response is simply out of place. I mean, if this guy were your bank teller, say, you'd probably be more interested in getting your money than in his attractions. What it comes down to is that sex involves mutual attraction, not just the response of one of the parties. After all, the other person may believe in monogamy, and I hope you grant them the right to their beliefs when asking for your right to be recognized.

[The Beholder]

of course i do not fear such an assault. if i believed that someone feeling attraction to me meant that they desired to violate me, i'd be an incredibly irrational and dangerous person, liable to lash out at innocent people. the problem in my life is that a great many people are precisely that kind of irrational and dangerous person, and even those who are not are fully willing to be swept up in the mob mentality.

your bank teller scenario doesn't bother me. if i was told that i was attractive in that situation, it would be the same to me as any other compliment one might get from a friendly bank teller. it would put me in a good mood. likewise, getting an erection at someone should be no different from smiling at them. it's just the irrationality of people that labels these things as shameful, or as some kind of unwanted or threatening advance.

i certainly would not respect someone whose belief in monogamy led them to treat someone's attraction as a threat to their relationship.

i already pointed out the difference between sexual attraction and sexual interest, but another one would be sexual intention. attraction is "wow, that person is really beautiful". interest is "i would like to have a sexual interaction or relationship with that person". intention is "i am going to try to initiate a sexual interaction or relationship with that person". i only consider the last one appropriate after attraction has been expressed and interest has been both expressed and reciprocated. in my own case, because i have such deep trust issues, i would only be comfortable with that after a healthy friendship has already formed, which means i could not be comfortable with casual sexual interactions. i would also say that anyone who would be unsatisfied by just having a friendship with that person has their priorities screwed up.

as you can see, my sexual ethics are very thought-through. on top of that, i find it unbearable, on an emotional and empathetic level, and even a sexual level, to hurt someone i find beautiful, or to even imagine such a thing happening, even unintentionally. i am not a threat to anyone. i'm incapable of it. yet i'm forced to live my life as though i were. the only one in danger is me.

[malign]

"of course i do not fear such an assault."

Well, I'm glad that you're confident of that. Can you see the possibility that a woman might fear assault? Not legitimately in your case, based on what you say in the rest of your post, but because of the strength disparity and because it does happen, at least sometimes. I imagine that if I had been raped, I'd probably be a little irrational about the subject ...

I do see that you've spent a great deal of time thinking about your sexual ethics. But is it possible that as a byproduct of that, you haven't spent much time considering that at least some of the people you meet might have different ones? Or rather, that they might legitimately believe differently?

So, for instance, my bank teller scenario doesn't bother you, but can you imagine that it might bother some? Especially, say, the people in line behind you? To my mind, there's a time and a place for expressing attraction, and if your response is difficult or impossible to suppress, how would you regulate it so that it didn't become a problem for others?

You might say that you shouldn't have to, that it shouldn't be a problem for others. But that would require something that none of us gets, the ability to get everyone else to behave in a way that we consider rational.

And that brings up another thought: I can believe that you wouldn't hurt someone deliberately. But would the definition of "hurt" be yours, or theirs? What if there were a conflict, such as in the case of the woman who is offended (would you say "hurt"?) by your expression of interest? Ethics is an incredibly tangled thing, because in any encounter, there are two people and therefore two sets of ethical beliefs.

[The Beholder]

I'd rather not get into my views on ethics in general, as I am outspoken about them online in settings that are not anonymous, and I don't want to give away my identity.

I'd like to ask, though, why you feel the need to grill me about these things. The whole reason I'm here is because I feel terrified to so much as speak to people. Even the relationship I have now happened in spite of how I did everything I could to stop it.

[malign]

Hmm, my perception was not that I was "grilling" you, just that I was asking for your input to what I see as a conversation. I certainly don't intend to make you uncomfortable, nor do I have any means or intent of requiring an answer. To a large extent, I see them as rhetorical, as things you might want to ponder. Whether you tell me the answer or not is up to you.

After all, we have had difficulties in the past with the perception that I was putting words in your mouth, or assuming things.

[The Beholder]

you seem to be trying to convince me to reveal some condition under which i would make an unwanted sexual advance on someone. i don't appreciate that.

[malign]

Is it worth comparing that impression with what I actually said: "Whether you tell me the answer or not is up to you"?

I understand that you're worried. For that very reason, I urge you not to answer anything that makes you feel that way.

Are the questions worth anything simply as things to think about?

There's something you come here to do, something you need, and I have yet to understand what it is. This could, of course, be entirely my fault. But, if there is some use to our interaction for you, is there any way of making it clearer to me what it is, so that I could facilitate it instead of irritating you, which manifestly has happened in the past?

[The Beholder]

Almost 3 years on, and things have only gotten worse.

[infrared_radiation]

I wish I was a paedophile

[The Beholder]

Why?

[infrared_radiation]

It'd be easier than the problems that I have

[Guest ChinaDoll]

I think none is greater than the other.

[The Beholder]

What are the problems you have that are worse than being unable to be a part of society and have normal interactions with other people? What's worse than a witch hunt?

[Guest ChinaDoll]

I think majority (if not all) of us here agree that society sucks. No matter what the cause of our problems, be it a faulty upbringing, inadequate body parts, or whatever else, we all hate society for making us feel small and bad about ourselves.

Sorry, this will not sound very comforting. Your case though has the added problem of being unlawful. I dont know what advice to say. What exactly do you wish to happen? For you to be able to free yourself from the attraction? Or for society to be more accepting of it?

Take comfort though that we here at least understand that you are in pain just like the rest of us.

[The Beholder]

I can never be anything but what I am. I have two options. Being accepted as what I am to at least some degree, or not continuing to exist.

[Resolute]

i can understand your dilemma beholder. sorry you're going through this.

[Guest ChinaDoll]

I do not hate you, beholder.