Dependent personality and?

[sadgreeneyes]

I know I have dependent personality. But I have never thought about if I may have some borderline personality disorder.

I lost my mother to mental hospital at age 4. Didnt know where she was and didnt see her again until I was 13. Lost my brother to suicide, he was 18, I was 13. Lost my father at age 15, when he threw me out. Emotional neglect and absent of love in childhood. Lost my mother when she past away 6 years ago ( she was under care ). Have been abandoned in my 3 abusive r/s. In 2010 married a love fraud with narcissistic personality disorder and got abandoned ice coldly.

All this makes me fear abandonment and have usually gone to great lengths to avoid it, even things has been bad for me, nothing has been too much to take just to not be abandoned.

During a break up/ not getting attention, because of neglect ( has been a pattern in my earlier abusive r/s, I have either nearly died from suicide( once ) that was impulsive not having intention to really die, thinking it wasnt that dangerous, didnt think I would die, you know. And after recovering at the heart observation I read in my journal a year ago...they wrote she said she is shocked what she has done but she seem very unaffected. Maybe this was because of my sadness/depression? And other times when I think I am abandoned I can send a lot of texts, like 20 more texts after like 10 texts, in one day, even I have gotten reassurance I am not abandoned between the first 10 texts. Its my totally fear driving me to be about sure I have been abandoned and I cant stop throwing out my scared feelings like that "you gonna leave me, you said you loved me, you kill my soul and so on because when not getting any response back to get reassurance again for things that for example never got answered ( even I have gotten a couple reassurances/texts that should tell I was still wanted, because I dont believe the reassurance thinking he say it to just ease my pain ,) and in the end when I have gotten too exhausted after texting and crying my eyes out its like all energy in me has left my body and mind and I just lay there like a child hurting but numb. Like I fought, at least I fought for my life couldnt bear the pain of fear being abandoned, I would be alone again and it kills my spirit. Because when I love I love intensely. Its like I die inside if I think I am being, or have been, abandoned. And then I get thoughts dying, but I dont of course as I have learned....that if you are dead you wont experience anything joy or happiness that might come your way again. Not that I feel joy and happiness like before, because of my depression/sadness/disappointments, but if I am loved and know I have that love it does miracles for me,my mood gets a lot brighter, I smile and can feel my soul awaken and it gives me meaning and I have something to live for. I have someone to love and I need both someone to love and to be loved.

So to some other stuff concerning borderline personality, I dont see things in black or white all the time, its just a few times I do because of my fear of rejection and fear of abandonment in love relationships, whether it is real or imagined. I understand that the acts I have said I have are not healthy and that those are signs of borderline. Other thing is I dont treat people bad or lie or hurt them. Its only when feeling unloved and rejected by the one I love I get like these crying and texting. What I have done and to some extent still do, is to give and give, but have learned to expect getting something back. To be appreciated for who I am and not what I can give.

Do you think I have some BPD along with my dependent personality?

Just to say I dont need the person I love to be with me all the time, I function well a person work much. But I do not function well if not getting reassurance and at least feel and know the person love you back. I am getting scared, you know.

Oh and just to mention that the time when sending 30 texts I was really scared as the person I love didnt come see me and it was reason to be a little suspect the person might had left me because our situation had changed 1 week ago. But I got two reassurances the same day I got scared, still I was sure I was going to be abandoned.

After exhausting myself and gotten numb after trying to get one more reassurance or whatever I was trying too I apologized I am very tired I think and found myself rethinking about one texts from him I had forgotten, only then did I get one more response and reassurance.

[IrmaJean]

Hi, sadgreeneyes. I'm sorry that you are struggling with this. You've been through a great deal in your life.

We don't diagnose here at the site. I don't know exactly what you might be struggling with. Maybe the words and name aren't as important, though, as taking care of your needs and learning new ways to cope and be okay with yourself.

Do you know specifically what you fear losing? Do you fear you will not be okay if you lose a loved one? I think sometimes if we hang on too tightly to someone, it may actually have the opposite effect of what we hope for. I understand that it's hard to let go of your fears. Maybe it helps to work on self-care and self-reassurance. I know that's easier said than done. How can you soothe yourself?

Take care.

[sadgreeneyes]

Hi IrmaJean, thank you for replying to me as you always have done to my posts...yes I fear losing him because the pain would be unbearable and I know I will feel so lost without him. I am in love with him. I know I have gotten over past unbearable pain, but its kinda different now as I have someone who seems to genuinely care about me and he is close to me in another way that no else have been, I mean, this man I love, gives affection even we dont do anything. No one has ever done that to me before and I have never been with someone who I have been able to crave love and respect of ( thanks to the love fraud in 2010 I have learned to crave much more, putting myself higher ) and the guy I love has still respected me, its like a whole new experience and its positive. He kisses my forehead and hold me and I feel loved. I have never felt loved before, because I have never been loved. Only abused/used. I am not even sure this is the reason why its different as I know my issues is rooted in childhood trauma and abandonment issues and its not first time I have done things. I think its only because I love. We are all afraid losing someone we love, but of course not acting like I did.

I am not very much or often clingy either I think because I usually go several days without contacting him, I usually wait until he contacts me, but that weekend made me fear I was being abandoned as I converted to his religion some days before ( our r/s now being forbidden ). So since he didnt come and said he had no time more I thought he had abandoned me and I got panic

I will try believe he wont abandon me..and try relax...if I see now that he still comes to me even our r/s is forbidden ( cannot have sex until we eventually get married ) it will give me what I need...to see does he really care about me or will he disappear. I hope that will take away my fear. Yesterday was a night like that, he came and he did respect me and in morning he did hold me and he still said we´ll talk. So I hope he will continue coming. He has option to marry me if he wants, if he really loves me. As he knows his own religion and has said he is happy I converted

[IrmaJean]

I am in love with him. I know I have gotten over past unbearable pain, but its kinda different now as I have someone who seems to genuinely care about me and he is close to me in another way that no else have been, I mean, this man I love, gives affection even we dont do anything. No one has ever done that to me before and I have never been with someone who I have been able to crave love and respect of ( thanks to the love fraud in 2010 I have learned to crave much more, putting myself higher ) and the guy I love has still respected me, its like a whole new experience and its positive. He kisses my forehead and hold me and I feel loved.

This all sounds wonderful. I hope you can accept and enjoy the love and sharing.

I am not very much or often clingy either I think because I usually go several days without contacting him' date=' I usually wait until he contacts me, but that weekend made me fear I was being abandoned as I converted to his religion some days before ( our r/s now being forbidden ). So since he didnt come and said he had no time more I thought he had abandoned me and I got panic [/quote']

I hear you. That panic is not a good feeling. I've felt it before myself. I hope you are able to move toward feeling a more secure attachment with him. I know this can be very challenging. Try to be gentle with yourself along the way, if you can.

I will try believe he wont abandon me..and try relax...

I practice using an inner voice who calms and reassures me. It feels odd at first, but I find it really helps me to tell myself that I'm okay. Self-encouragement, you might call it. Using my own voice to reassure myself comes in handy because I'm always right there and I'm always available. I hope you find what works best for you, sadgreeneyes.

Take care.

[sadgreeneyes]

Thank you IrmaJean yes it does sound wonderful and I pray his care/love is for real. I feel somehow like it is but I am so scared as I am used to always be disappointed meeting those losers, so I dont dare believing in it before I see he still act loving towards me even not sleeping together. I think I owe it to myself, that I deserve to give myself this respect after all the disappointments I have gone through and I also think "he" can owe me that respect as he knows well by his own words how wrong our r/s has been till now. He has himself said he would never continue this r/s if he had no intentions of marrying me.

The panic is an awful feeling...one get out of control totally frantic I feel so much better when not having to think "am I being used", "is he lying" and so on...it puts me in a too much vulnerable state, so I think it will be better now, I dont have to feel used, he can either marry me by time and respect me or he will show his true colors being just another wolf in sheeps clothing and the latter is better than having been used for more months than I eventually have been. Not wasting more months years on something fraud like again.

I will try giving myself some self reassurance along the way,like you suggest, maybe it will help me too

[Tsunami]

I hope that you are doing well, your post was awhile ago. I think that maybe seeing a therapist would be a good idea. After all that you have been through, you have a right to have abandonment issues and not be ashamed about it. When you say you lay there like a child hurting but numb, I truly believe that what you describe is actually happening. I wonder if you have grieved for all of your losses? I really feel for you and hope that you know that it is okay if you can't get over this yourself. I have had the same problems, contacting my therapist for reassurance, so you are not alone! Just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you and hoping you are doing well!