New and in Need! Mentally Unstable!

[ashley.in.need]

Hi.

My name is Ashley. I have BiPolar and Anxiety disorder, all stemming from chronic depression.

Recently I did a really stupid thing. I hurt my boyfriend. I was jealous and I just lost it. I threw a crystal ball and glass at him, leading to his head to split. He got three staples. No skull damage but still, it was bad enough. I don't know why I did it. I tried to stop myself but it was like another person controlling my body. Now I've royally screwed up. I love him so much but I let my mental issues get in the way. I've never done anything like that before. I just lost it completely.

I'm not on here for sympathy. Nor to cry myself into attention. I did the wrong thing. I know I did. I deserve to be taken away but he never pressed charges and he still loves me, though he's deciding if he wants to continue the relationship. Either way, I did something so monsterous therefore I don't deserve sympathy. What I would like is some advice though. Advice on what to do. Advice on some little tricks I can do to help myself. I'm already medicated and seeing a psychologist but I guess I want some chat and advice from others who are in my position.

[IrmaJean]

Welcome to the community, Ashley.

I think it starts with self-awareness. Are you able to recognize anything that may have set you off during your interactions with your boyfriend? Have you worked with your therapist about what you can do when you feel a strong angry response? He/She may be able to help you learn new ways to cope with and manage your emotions. It helps me to take a step back and try to breathe a space between myself and the feeling. This can be challenging.

I do hope you can be gentle with yourself on the road to healing.

Take care.

[ashley.in.need]

No I can't recognize it. That's the problem! I'm so messed up and I ruined everything. He's left me and I don't know what to do with myself. I feel so bad. I can't function. I feel like killing myself. I'm a monster. He says we can get back together when I'm better but whAt if he's lying??? What do I do!!! He's my EVERYHING 8 did everything for him. I put up with so much for him and now I've lost him because I screwed up. I'm so hurt and I feel so hurt. I don't know what to do! I'm going for help but what if I've lost him. I can't lose him.

[IrmaJean]

No I can't recognize it. That's the problem!

I hear your distress. It can take time, practice, and hard work to gain awareness. In time, you may gain awareness.

I'm so messed up and I ruined everything. He's left me and I don't know what to do with myself. I feel so bad. I can't function. I feel like killing myself. I'm a monster.

I'm listening, Ashley. Some part of you is being very hard on you. How can you reach out to yourself through this distress?

I'm so hurt and I feel so hurt. I don't know what to do! I'm going for help but what if I've lost him. I can't lose him.

Loss can be so painful and difficult, I understand. I hope you are able to express yourself with your psychologist and that he/she is supportive. We are here to listen and support you too.