Girlfriend Here

[Lover]

Hi Fellas and Girlfriends,

I am in love with a man that may have some feelings of rejection from other women.

I am new to this forum. The fear, or rather the sense of certainty he has that I am going to dump him someday is not helping the relationship. I really do love him.

I was wondering if there are any other women out there that have been successful in getting their BF to get over the fear that you will dump him because of this.

Our relationship is too new for any major commitments, i am not even looking for that yet. I just want to keep going one day at a time without hearing some lecture from him about how someday i will find a guy that is so great and he will back away and be happy for me.

I don't like the foregone conclusion mentality. He is so confident in other areas, he is truly a wonderful person. I had no idea I was going to fall in love with him. But here I am trying to figure it out and he has never had a long term relationship over a year. I don't know the details because he won't share them yet and I would not post them if I did, but I expect at least once or twice some woman was cruel and rejecting. He has had a few short term relationships because he is good looking, fun and mostly confident. He does not lack any skills that would indicate that he does not really have the experience.

The thing is, he is great in bed and I am not kidding. He is amazing at paying attention to me and foreplay and I truly am in love with him and want him in my bed every day.

Before this, I had several very long term relationships with other guys. The last two were not kind and spanned many years, in fact they started out kind but turned abusive. So I am so happy to meet a man that really seems to be truly kind.

My new guy has the biggest heart in the world. I wish he did not think I will reject him. Right now I certainly want it to keep going with an open mind.

He has resolved in his mind to never marry and kind of help and foster relationships but then back away. He has kind of made this role for himself which I am afraid he does not want to step out of.

I don't want a big commitment now, i just want an open mind to the possibilities. We are both over 30 and I have children from a previous marriage.

(PS to men, please do not ask me any personal questions about my lover and all of that. I respect him deeply and I am just seeking support from other women who love men that may be in this forum. Or support from a therapist/moderator or very kind men that have gotten over it. I don't want to hear comparison stories or self pity. I just want to be given a real chance with a particular man who is a great guy. I cannot even read all these posts with so much catastrophic thinking in them. I will tell you, that the man I love is very involved in charities and helping others in addition to his "day job". That is how he got the attention of a woman like me. I am a hottie, I have my choice of many men and I see that this man has the big heart and yeah oh yeah he got my attention.)

[Cece.dedesl]

As a woman with a couple of experiences with this, I can tell you that it is difficult to overcome. It is literally impossible to change their minds about how they perceive themselves in the short run. Sometimes you can't even do it in an extended relationship.

Therapy helps... But be prepared for a battle. Rocky road but well worth it for the right person.

[Jessie]

Well Lover, your other half is a lucky guy if you keep thinking the way you do.

It may be that he is small and is right to be worried or that he is normal in size and has SPS.

You dont want to talk details which I respect but I totally agree with Cece-its unlikely you will ever change his mind.

He sounds a bit like me- reasonable looking and outwardly confident with a SOH. (though I do say so myself!)

I used to be positive, happy and self respecting but women have gradually ground me down over the years. Not deliberately cruelly, far from it, they just couldn't deal with my size.

Only last week I had an colleague of mine denigrate small men- nobody contradicted her.

And have you seen that American Show "The Doctors"? they had a show on this issue and the female audience members were shouting down the doctors when they tried to say there was no link between size and female satisfaction.

I always compare this issue to the story of Father Christmas- your job is equivalent to getting your other half to re-beleive Father Christmas exists- its a difficult challenge.

ps thanks for coming here by the way- you are very welcome...

[Lover]

Jessie, I don't know what SOH means. Anyway.. my honest perspective on female enjoyment is that being in love is more important than size. I do believe that it is important to intimacy to please each other and becoming good at kissing everywhere, oral and finger stimulation for both parties is very important. When he kisses my legs and holds me close I feel loved.

I have not brought up the topic yet with him and i am scared to do so, but I would like my guy to use a silicone dildo on me to give me the feeling of deep penetration once in awhile. Not necessarily every time. However, I want to buy one first and I will choose one that does not resemble a penis, but is what they call discreet, and one that is soft and more life like in softness but not in shape. Not a vibrator, not a rabbit. I would prefer that most of the stimulation be from he and I, not batteries. I am totally serious, i suggest you go buy one and anticipate using it with the next woman who is going to discover the pleasures of you. I am telling you this because you sound like a nice guy and I want you to have an LTR.

Everyone is different. My OB/GYN says he needs a "long speculum" for me so my vagina is longer than most and I am tall. I am as tall as my guy. So... I am afraid that his feelings are sensitive so I am waiting to bring this up when he feels more secure and we are engaged in play. He agrees we have a great sex life, so this fear of rejection is definitely baggage someone else foisted upon him.

However, i am telling you this because I truly believe that I could have a 100 percent satisfying sex life with this man and the occasional thrusting for lack of a better word from a soft topped silicon dildo, with him doing the thrusting. If he is not part of it, i would not feel satisfied as I do not particularly crave solo sex. I crave a relationship and mutual pleasure. I would not want to try one of those strap ons because to me that would be insulting. I love this man. Yeah I want him to stick something up me to reach that spot, and I want his fingers to be all in there doing it. Because I crave the mutuality of it. i do not at all see this as a handicap as some of the more dejected guys put it. I hope they read this and pre-empt the problem and get prepared. I really am so sad to hear all the bad feelings these guys feel. It sounds a lot like the overweight girls talking about their weight and how no one will come near them. Being creative in bed is such a welcome pleasure.

I cannot help my biology any more than he can, and I would never in the world criticize him for it. I adore the man. I am angry at whoever the woman is who said whatever she said to get him to be so dejected about this. He actually is great in bed. I would guess his one long term girlfriend must have been good in bed with him because he totally knows what he is doing.

I hope you don't take offense at my being graphic... I am just saying.. I totally love giving him oral sex and vaginal sex and usually give him both because I love adoring him with my mouth but I want him to cum inside me while looking in my eyes. I will do anything that does not hurt or humiliate in order to please him. I want sex everyday and I am not the least bit ashamed of it.

I think that if fellas that feel they cannot reach a woman's spot with their beautiful cock will learn how fun it is just get their hands all wet and comfortable with a dildo, and not a long or big one.. a fairly small, narrow one, to reach the gspot and get into giving their girl pleasure.. no one will feel they are going without. Another fun thing that increases mutuality of pleasure is for the man to stroke the woman's clit with his beautiful cock, by just rubbing it on the outside a good long while and telling her kind things and kissing her. It is making love and there is nothing to be ashamed of if you are sharing the love and healing each other as you move toward really knowing and supporting each other. Obviously, I am monogamous and not at all into casual sex. I want my man to feel appreciated and pampered. He makes me feel appreciated and pampered. When shopping, I definitely would stay away from those huge dildos that are clearly modeled after the rather freakishly big. I think that big would hurt anyway. I want his hand to be able to help, so small is better in a dildo. But... I am just saying... be willing to get your hands in there with that and I cannot imagine a woman complaining. Add kisses and real caring to that and she will thank you. I would add, it turns me on when he tells me when he cums because I cannot feel the squirting most of the time. I wish he were here right now... wow.. but I am on break and have to get back to work... drat... thinking of him is very distracting mmmmm. But as great as he is in bed, I am mostly concerned about his emotional satisfaction. Whoever it was, she did a number on him... and maybe it was the football team, i don't know. He was a jock. He is a very macho man and I know he does not want to talk about this.

I am much more concerned that his own feelings of being sure I will reject him will sabotage the relationship than any physical thing. I really hope he does not run away. He is so sure I will find someone better. I am younger than he is and hot and he is worried about it. I just think... dang.. were you not listening to the stories of how mean the last boyfriend was to me? It's hard to find a truly good person that I have something in common with and fall in love. I am so glad he sought me out.

[Lover]

Jessie... to stick up for your colleagues. The only reason I can be totally frank with you is you don't know my name. If I were at work, i would not admit anything about sex in mixed company. If I stuck up for small guys at work.. people would wonder two things.. 1) is she some kind of slut? how many guys are we talking about and are you going to give us details...tacky.

2) If my lover even suspected that I mentioned the topic to anyone on earth it would mortify him. He would not even want to go to a work party with me and be wondering.. oh.. do they think I am small? I will NEVER mention it to a soul because he is not comfortable with it. He is amazing in bed. I am happy and in love. He is not used to having a woman adore him, clearly. He is probably afraid if he gets used to it I will disappear. These insecurities are more of a threat to our relationship than any physical thing. But.. colleagues.. put yourself in a woman's shoes.. you cannot win by talking about sex in public unless you are paid to do so on tv and have a degree or a sex tape. Everyone else gets labeled slut. It is not fair. There is a lot of misongyny in the culture. So.. some of these men that feel so sorry for themselves should look at the world of sex from other perspectives. Women don't have it easy either. No one does. We all need to give each other a little grace, a lot of slack, a warm hug and hope we find our passion in ourselves so we can share it with another. Pray for me and my guy... i don't want him to sabotage it with fear. After a long bad marriage I hope I have a long good relationship with him and I am not ruling out forever.

[Bundy]

There is a lot of misongyny in the culture. So.. some of these men that feel so sorry for themselves should look at the world of sex from other perspectives. Women don't have it easy either. No one does.

I completely agree. There is no point in being a misandrist or misogynist, the human race in general is a shallow and rotten, no point in seperating.

I can't wait 20/30 years for the whole system to just collapse, it's exactly things like nobody giving a shit about empathy and sympathy or sport stars being idolized by the youth instead of scientists, that will destroy this piece of garbage called human society.

Long life the age of superficiality and decadence.

[Jessie]

Thanks Lover- I appreciate your response. Always good to hear from a sympathetic perspective

The thing is, had your partner read your 4th line- his heart would have sunk.

I too have heard from the women in my life that they like deep penetration and/or a feeling of being filled with girth and the truth of the matter is, if you were with a guy with a normal size (ie most guys) you could have that.

And he knows that- and it kills him. It kills all guys in our situation.

We want to be inside the girl we love, look them in the eyes and satisfy them with our size- its a deeply ingrained need- to be able to satisfy your partner.

To be physically unable to do so is a very cruel and enduring form of emotional and physical torture.

And you are right- you cannot help having your needs anymore than he can help his lack of size.

And he cannot help but be filled with anguish and humiliation when he realises you sexually need (even only now and again) something that other men can give you but he cannot.

[Jessie]

sorry forgot to add... do you bring up a toy? Its risky- no matter how delicately you phrase it.

If you mention his size isnt enough to reach your g-spot the words you use will resonate till the day he dies (seriously) so be cautious.

You also assume his past girl friends were mean girls- this may not be true- its just maybe they tried to be nice but didnt realise how devastating the truth can be, even if broken kindly.

If your partner said to you, look I love you, you are kind and nice but Im afraid your vagina is slack and my past partners had nice tight vaginas so would you mind if I use the blow up doll with the super tight holes? I still love you but I have this real need for tightness now and again?

Please dont think Im being uber hostile- I am just trying to give an insight into this difficult situation. I would normally never preach dishonesty but maybe there is the option of using a dildo secretly for your satisfaction?

Because if you mention this, you are opening a door that can never be closed. But I hope it works out for you- and I hope I get to meet someone like you or Cece one day.

ps please NEVER tell him about your well endowed past partners- that will literally destroy him...

pps SOH means sense of humour...meh.. I used to have one anyway....

[Bundy]

You also assume his past girl friends were mean girls- this may not be true- its just maybe they tried to be nice but didnt realise how devastating the truth can be, even if broken kindly.

Just wanted to mention something else that Jessie overlooked in this statement; maybe there never was a girl which mocked him about his size, most guys are also really cruel about this, so that might be another reason. It's important for guys how they compare to their friends in all life situations, every guy wants to be respected in his group of friends and just appear normal like every other guy.

[Lover]

Jessie, I deeply appreciate your honesty and no way would I mention his size and reaching my spot. I am not kidding I love him.

To be honest with you, I don't like to go solo with toys. I want the intimacy and a man. It is either my guy or .. nah.. think I will go for a jog. So.. yeah it is dangerous to mention. If you can be brave enough to realize that some women, especially ones with really high sex drives like me, they do like to have once in a while deep penetration and just accept it and learn to use a toy gently but firmly then I think it will help the relationship. At least the effort alone. So many men of all endowments play with toys, remember that. But.. yeah I am very sensitive about it. I don't want him to cut and run, I think he has with most women.

He is so much fun, so funny, smart, kind and loving. I hate it when he talks about me meeting some other guy better for me. Of course I can find another guy. I am not looking.

My guy does penetrate me deeply.. very deeply... because he looks in my eyes when he is inside me and we caress each other's faces. I love him. He is not replaceable with some random other guy of any shape. When he is not in my bed I reach for him and wish the pillow were him. I have not told him that stuff. Too scary. He can tell me that first if he gets through this. Maybe in a few months, not yet.

But at our age, we already have friends that have died. We have friends that had prostate cancer and cannot get it up anymore. So there is a lot to be said for getting over it and being thankful for what you have and adjusting and loving each other just as we are. He is a lot older than me so it is possible he will have health problems before I do. So.. at what point do we just love each other and say I think you are wonderful come here my love?

[Jessie]

Fair enough- and I will certainly never tire of hearing how a girl could fall for a smaller guy...

I do think guys do realise that girls with a sex drive do want deep and/or fulfilling penetration. Thats the problem- they know it only too well.

Sexperts try and deny it but so many women talk about it I dont think there can be many guys that are not aware of this.

And it would be nice if a guy could turn a switch in his head and say "so what if I have to use a dildo" but every time he puts it in you it will be impossible ( and I mean quite impossible) for him to not compare himself to the dildo and say to himself "if I were like normal guys I wouldnt have to use this".

As you are not a guy you cant quite understand perhaps... but every guy here will know what I mean.

If you offered me a billion pounds or a decent size penis, I would honestly opt for the latter- its THAT important.

Hell I would probably trade 25 years off the end of my life (yes - serious)

I so hope it works out for you- do tread carefully- is there really no other option than asking him to use a toy? what about his fingers?- would they be long enough?

[Lover]

I will see if fingers work first.

So I am overjoyed to have a man who is kind and wants to touch me, after years of being married and not cheating at all but being totally ignored by my husband. My ex husband made it very clear that my needs did not matter to him at all, many years of that. So you guys on this forum, there are women who would be very grateful for you, other men may have all kinds of other issues... and a woman may be very thankful to find you.

But Jessie.. 25 years for a few inches?.. I think if you want to show your love for a woman that badly surely you will find an appreciative woman very soon. I would rather have the guy without a working weenie alive to kiss and hold me the 25 years. Yeah, maybe he can put his fingers up higher... Regardless, the man totally turns me on and I love, crave and want him.

[Lover]

say to himself "if I were like normal guys I wouldnt have to use this".

Actually.. not true! sorry... for me at least.. my spot is way way up there past the normal guy range. My ex husband was on the longer side of the normal range I guess, not what anyone would call big, but very much average and he could not reach it. I am a tall girl, I did not make this up, the OB GYN said I need a long speculum and that is less than 10 percent of women ..They always had to go to another room to go get the long speculum. so.. we are all built different, apparently that is a flaw of mine. i have plenty of flaws.

I doubt that very many guys could actually reach it with just themselves. I don't want to pass up on this wonderful man. we will find a way..

[gone]

_{I like your avatar. I always thought Veronica was more attractive than Betty.....}

_{Just sayin'}

[Jessie]

well he may get some comfort thinking that very few men would be long enough to satisfy you in that way.

Then he may not consider him self in a 'pathetic minority of inadequate men'

On the other hand, from you you say, you are going to need, I dunno, 8 inches to satisfy?

So if thats the insertion required you will need a dildo of 9 inches or so?

Can you imagine what this insecure guy is going to feel like using a toy like that?

Have you tried using a toy like this on your own just to scratch this itch?

I know you would prefer him to be there with you but gosh, what a gamble-

If you could satisfy yourself in private you could spare his feelings maybe?

only you know how powerful this urge is to you....

[Lover]

Jessie-

Your ex said she likes..: and/or a feeling of being filled with girth

For me, that is not an issue. I am happy to do the exercises and squeeze. I have a special thing that is for kegels to squeeze and I started using it again to make sure I please him.

I think that it would be rare for the girth to be a problem if the woman is exercising. But who knows I am not an OBGYN

[Lover]

Good point... Jessie.. about toy length.. my ex BF the ladies man said he actually measured his and that is about what he said..

Truthfully he was too big and it is way more fun to give oral to my new guy.

But Yeah he could hit my spot. I have not one pause about who the real man is in this scenario. My current man is a real man and I love him.

So... if I may have been talking too much and hurt him at some point... what do you suggest for damage control to make him know he is accepted?

I mean i already strip him as soon as he walks in the door about every time... he knows I want him. But I want him to really know .. I want him to take off his emotional shoes, relax and accept himself and know for sure I accept him.

He is afraid of commitment. It is complicated. I really want to show that he can trust me and no way will I run off.

So... maybe the toy idea should wait a really really long time?

i have not been in love in 20 years so it feels really good. My ex husband lost me in the first 6 months. And now I have this wonderful boyfriend with no serious flaw except that he is scared of loving and being rejected. He's human, but he really is a great guy.

[Jessie]

I am reliably informed girth is far more important to most girls than length. (this is also what the research says too)

the average is 5.14 inches girth for a caucasian but the ideal is about 6 inches from what i can gather

unless the girl is a size queen, in which case I have heard phrases like 'coke can' etc as being ideal (which is way larger)

Kegals enhance the tightness but only slightly and only if there is reasonable girth to start with- from what I have been told...

If you buy a 9inch toy its girth its likely to be 6inch plus- again, this is likely to be upsetting to your partner.

[Jessie]

oh- our emails crossed each other....

So your 9 inch ex was able to hit your G-spot?

seriously you must NEVER tell your boyfriend this- jeez, I am kind of upset myself reading that... ah well..

(so much for the sexperts saying the g-spot is only 3 inches inside etc)

If you have already revealed this info to your BF then you can never un-say it.

I am afraid he will be dwell upon this a lot- even if he never admits it.

I dunno what to suggest- but if you use a 9 inch dildo he will think of your ex every single time.

I think try and focus on the parts of sex you currently enjoy and never refer to your past.

Maybe in time you may no longer miss the penetration? Or maybe leave it as a secret hobby?

Look he is lucky to have you- and you seem to really like him?

Are there any positions that might bring more satisfaction for you?

[Lover]

No... I did NOT tell him that my pathetic drunk ex BF was able to reach my spot.

I told him I used to love him and wanted to marry him for years ... and he is only partly that man now because of alcoholism and ruining his mind with booze.

Sex is not even 50% of a relationship, it is just an affirmation to what else is going on in the relationship. If a guy sucks at most of the relationship, it does not matter what he does in bed. When my ex drunk was mean, he was so mean. I have seen him be mean to his mom too. He is not well.

I think maybe you need to rethink spots and realize they are probably for candles and toys...

But the point is ... I love my current guy .. really I love him. I crave him, want him, and yeah of course.. obviously I have had a long term thing with a very big guy. But I want the current guy because he is a real man in his heart. My heart wants him.

[Lover]

It is not about positions and satisfaction.. not at all. I get off by fingers alone several times before my guy gets inside me. I think it is a lot to do with loving him and anticipating him and just him, not technique... but love. To separate it would really not be doing justice to this at all. I think some stranger could do the exact same thing and I would not get off.

It is because my heart is prepared to love him, my mind is wanting to laugh at his jokes, my soul wants to join with his and I am almost there by the time he walks in the door. It's him. not the position. It's love not length.

[Jessie]

Im not sure its just freaks that reach G-spots.

Most sexperts say even fingers can reach the g-spot as its only 3 inches up.

are you thinking of the a-spot (the fornix) as this makes many women orgasm powerfully apparently...

But Im encouraged that you think its love and not length that matters.... because this means you might be able to get by without using a toy- and a toy could sabotage your relationship and his sanity, particularly one of large proportions.

[Lover]

I really don't like that thick toy stuff. I really don't . I have never measured this stuff. I never measured a guy. That is something only a guy would do to himself to make himself feel bad I guess. One finger or two fingers is plenty girth for me.

I am an athlete. Maybe I am tight. I don't know. A coke can sounds like torture, I have never heard of such a thing... that sounds like labor.. painful.

Even my ex bf that could reach is not that much bigger than average around. So this girth thing is something I have never seen in person and we all know those porn guys are very much in the minority. So .. I am really not into this subject, never even heard of it.. not one woman has ever said a thing about it to me. They talk about guys on blood pressure medicine looking for the right pill to get it up again but not girth.. never.

Totally new to me. Fingers are good.

[Lover]

I don't know is that other spot way the hell up there? If it is, then that is what I am talking about. I don't read about this stuff... i just pamper a man i love and forget about books.

[Lover]

Okay I looked it up.... it is the A spot.

the G spot is something that my current guy reaches ..

But now I would rather have my current guy who is loveable, for real, I am not kidding I love the current guy. Perhaps they are opposites in some ways and I choose the one that fits in my mouth because he fills up my heart. I love him.

That is why I am telling you I think this apparent A spot whatever it is, is more like for candlesticks. And it does not need girth at all to get too and it is way way up there and it can really hurt if you get the wrong angle for too long with ex bf.

But that other thing is sensitive and no not for everyday so maybe that is what it is. It is not finger length away.