New member...no one knows

[Laurie_A]

My name is Laurie. I'm not sure where to begin other than to tell a little about myself. I'm a 35 year old mother of 2. I'm a full time student & have been for 9 years now. There's so much pressure trying to do well & although I'm educated and will graduate in May, I often put my own mental health needs and every other need for that matter to the side due to the love I feel for my family & the neediness they somehow think its ok to require me to fulfill. I feel that I have suppressed so much pain. It's not that my pain isn't important, but I'm afraid that acknowledging this deep pain I feel will lead to everything falling apart. There's been happy moments in my life, but why are there absolutely no memories of ever being truly happy or content? My mother died in April of this year & I feel this aching in my heart that seems as it has shattered every single thing within me. I do what everyone says...find a happy memory and focus on that, don't dwell, be strong, allow time to heal, etc etc but this is all pointless and does absolutely nothing. My daughter recently was discharged from a facility for cutting herself and I live in constant hypervigilance & extreme fear that she will succeed at taking her life. Meanwhile, my daughter continues to wreak complete panic within our family. I have my daughter in counseling, but nothing is getting better. "Everyone" in our home is in this mode of crisis and panic & I have no idea how to piece our shattered family back together

[IrmaJean]

Hi, Laurie, and welcome to the community.

It's good for any of us to reach out for help when we need it. Self-care is so very important.

My mother died in April of this year & I feel this aching in my heart that seems as it has shattered every single thing within me. I do what everyone says...find a happy memory and focus on that, don't dwell, be strong, allow time to heal, etc etc but this is all pointless and does absolutely nothing.

I'm sorry for your loss. It's okay to feel whatever it is you are feeling. It's your journey to healing and everyone may experience grief differently. It's okay if at any given time you don't feel strong. The pain of loss may be too close to focus on happy memories just yet. You may feel many strong and erratic emotions and that's okay. Some days may be more challenging than others. I think each of us has to find our own way to healing from such a loss. I'm sorry that your heart feels shattered, Laurie. I'm listening and I hear you.

I often put my own mental health needs and every other need for that matter to the side due to the love I feel for my family & the neediness they somehow think its ok to require me to fulfill.

I can relate to this. Over the past few years, I've been working more on taking care of my own needs. It isn't easy, though, when I have been so used to putting my needs aside. Have you expressed to your family what your needs are? Are you also in counseling?

Meanwhile, my daughter continues to wreak complete panic within our family. I have my daughter in counseling, but nothing is getting better. "Everyone" in our home is in this mode of crisis and panic & I have no idea how to piece our shattered family back together

Are you able to take some time to yourself to relax and recharge? I find that doing this enables me to focus on family difficulties with less anxiety. It's good that your daughter is in counseling. Does she talk openly with you about her struggles?

I hope you will continue to express yourself, Laurie. We are here to support you.

[Laurie_A]

Thank you for your kindness and encouraging words Irma Jean. I'm not in counseling but I do acknowledge how much I truly need it. It's just that every second is absorbed by yet another need my family demands of me. I have expressed my needs to them but no sooner than one demand is met, another demand immediately follows. It's at the point now where I can no longer take care of my needs. I feel so exhausted and this resentment is building more and more every day. I love my family.... I sincerely do, but I'm losing myself in the process. My teacher asked me a question that my lack of an answer, I find disturbing. She asked "Laurie, who are you?" but required no roles within the answer. I can answer almost any question but I cant answer this because all I know of myself is "my role" mother, spouse, sister, taxi cab driver, maid, cook, etc. I know my qualities that make me who I am but how is it that an educated & compassionate woman no longer can identify herself?

My daughter does express herself to me. Usually in an angry or hurtful way or projects this intense guilt that outwardly I acknowledge and do everything to correct mostly because I'm so afraid that if shes not happy she will hurt herself again.

These things I talk about are merely the surface but the pain is much deeper than I talk about. I keep praying for peace and happiness, something or someone who is "real" and not just a superficial expressionless person who I can relate to, interact with, someone who understands and it seems that I have found that here and I'm grateful for that. I just want to find the answer of how to create a happier healthier life. Life shouldn't be so sad should it?

[IrmaJean]

It's just that every second is absorbed by yet another need my family demands of me. I have expressed my needs to them but no sooner than one demand is met, another demand immediately follows. It's at the point now where I can no longer take care of my needs. I feel so exhausted and this resentment is building more and more every day. I love my family.... I sincerely do, but I'm losing myself in the process.

Not taking care of your own needs and losing yourself in the needs of others can take its toll on you both emotionally and physically. Is there anyone there with you who can help? Friend or family member? Can you arrange it so you have some time to yourself? I understand that's hard when you're a mom, but self-care is so vital to well-being. I'm not certain what kind of demands are being placed on you, but if they are excessive and unnecessary, it's okay to draw a line and say no. It's very difficult to be there for others when our own needs are not being met.

I know my qualities that make me who I am but how is it that an educated & compassionate woman no longer can identify herself?

Maybe it helps to work on your relationship with yourself. Take the time to nurture yourself, listen to your feelings and needs, treat yourself kindly, and engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation. I enjoy reading, connecting with beauty, relaxing in nature, expressing myself openly, walking, and, most recently, meditating. What activities do you enjoy?

I hope that therapy can help your daughter with her difficulties. It must be difficult for you seeing her struggle. I hope you are able to spend some quiet time together with her as well. That could be healing for both of you.

I have found that the support of friends can be very helpful and healing during difficult times. It's true that life can be sad sometimes, but I believe there is always hope for a happier and healthier life. If you were to picture that in your mind, how would it look for you? What steps can you take to get there?

Take gentle care, Laurie. I hope you feel better.

[Silktrack]

Hi, I'm new to this community. Just Googled 'Assertiveness Training' last night and found this wonderful website and community.

Laurie_A, I admire your courage and honesty in sharing your pain here. Though I may not fully understand it, I will try to feel it and put myself in your shoes. I lost my dad 5 years ago, he was very close to me. All I could say is time is indeed a great healer and I'm lucky to have a lot of sweet memories to cherrish! It was never easy, I still got emotional on the anniversary.

As for the question about 'who are you?' That is hard for me too, being bought up in an Asian household, I was 'always' someone's... (daughter, niece, student, and when I grew older: wife, mother, auntie, daughter-in-law....). I just lost my job and for the first time in many years, I can't even say, 'I am a (occupation)!" Perhaps that's why I looked up 'Assertiveness training' last night, I want to learn to say 'I am who I am!' The very person in front of the mirror!

Take care and hope you feel supported by this community.

[malign]

I started with "I am the person filling this particular empty space in the atmosphere". :-)

Someone's gotta do it. And strangely, it's exactly the right shape to hold me.

If you're accustomed to viewing yourself in relationship to others, would it be worth asking who you are, to yourself?

You could be your own caretaker, parent, child, entertainer (I definitely have a part that tries to entertain the rest of me), and so on.

Then you could say "I'm the sum total of all those things", for at least one person in the world.