Hi, not really sure if I belong in this forum

[Michael6084]

My name's Michael and I'm 23. I'm not really sure where to start. I've been having a lot of thoughts for the past 6 years or so. I grew up in a nice family compared to others, but anytime I would start to feel good about myself, I would always be put down and be told I was being arrogant and whatnot. Over the years I went from being somewhat alright to now just being very cynical of the world, putting myself down anytime something might go well in my way. I guess to put it in a nutshell I'm a perfectionist and I'm very insecure.

It's gotten to the point that I've never been able enough to talk to anyone and vent, or understand where I'm at in life. I'm in a lot of financial debt due to my own problems, and the only to vent that ended up being self-destructive was punching walls. I broke my hand one time out of frustration, then another time a person said I wasn't a good friend to a friend of mine which put me in a short rage and broke both my hands punching a wall, leaving me out of work for a while.

One girl I thought I loved ended up having her guy friend on the side and herself putting me down, said I should kill myself and that I'm a waste of life. Said she and him have been having sex and I don't deserve anyone and said I look ugly. That I'm not a man. The way I'm saying it is much nicer than they said.

Now I believe all of that stuff, that I don't deserve anyone and I'll never be good enough. I'd be a huge burden considering the fact I'm not going anywhere in life. I've put everyone's needs before my own and never thought once what I wanted to do for myself until someone asked me at work, and I didn't really know how to answer. All the friends I used to know years ago, found out they weren't really friends except for a very select few, and even then I don't talk to them about my problems because they look up to me for support which I don't understand why.

[LaLa]

Hello, Michael

It's your choice to belong or not to this forum/community, but do know that you're welcome here. Your problems undoubtedly merit attention and it's good that you've reached out for some support and decided to vent in a safe - non-destructive - way, "at least on the web".

It's important to try to "solve" your issues, not only to avoid the physically self-destructive behaviour, but also the "psychological self-destruction", which includes relationships with cruel, abusive girls, such as the one you've mentioned.

I know how hard it can be to find out what you really want... Even similarly hard as to find the way to achieve it. I'm not a good "adviser" in this regard, but I can at least post here a link to a related article:

http://www.stevepavlina.com/articles/courage-to-live-consciously.htm

I've just read it today and... although I'm not a big fan of "self-help books/websites", it seems insightful to me. Maybe you'll find some inspiration there.

I'm sorry I don't have a helpful "advise", but... I suppose that it could be beneficial for you to post here more about your problems - I hope it will be helpful not only as a new, safe, ... way of venting, but also as a prerequisite to receiving some help and support from our members.

Take care!