So confused, and don't know what to do?

[Its a long road]

Hey everyone, my name is Mike, im 19 and from the UK we will just keep it at that for now lol

Well basically i joined this forum because i have what i would think is quite a few personal issues in my life and I really do need some help I think... Ill try and keep my "life story" as short as i can as i don't want to bore you all with my rubbish i guess.

I think i suffer from depression, i have been to say my local GP and they said what i was going through is just a "phase of growing up" but what i feel is not just growing up...

As a child (0 - 11) have never really had much of a family to be fair, my dad was always away working as he works on the sea as a captain doing tugwork, so he was always away for long times without seeing him, my mum used to work as a nurse at my local hospital doing shifts at all times of the day so it was just always me and my sister but she is about 4 years older than me.

When i was about 7 my mum and dad were going through a bad patch in there relationship, i know that because my dad started sleeping downstairs alot, and eventually a year later they went through a divorce. They both fought for custody over me and my sister and it really hurt the family bad, i would never choose between my mum and dad, so i chose to stay with what i would call my uncle, even though he is my dads uncle. He is 84 maybe 85 now, and this may sound cruel but all through my life he has been more then a parent too me then my actualy parents, i remember my first days of school even when i was living with my mum and dad, he was the one who walked me down every single day, and met me every time after school all the way through until the end of my primary school years.

I was quite smart academically, i passed my 11+ exams, and went to the same school as all my friends did, so i was pretty happy around that time. I think i was pretty much a model pupil all the way through until about year 9. Things started to change when i started talking to girls and stuff, i started drinking alcohol with my friends and smoking weed ALOT probably to make myself look cool i dont really know tbh, but i really started to fit in with everyone for doing it i guess. I was always the joker in school i was liked by everyone, and when i used to turn up to lessons high as a kite i used to make everyone laugh even more which was good i guess. Even the teachers knew i was high but they didn't care. I started bunking lessons alot, and smoked drugs on the school site. So obviously my grades started to go downhill alot! I got excluded alot for bunking lessons, and generally pissing the teachers off, but they have this system at my school were if you get a certain amount of exclusion days in half of the academic year (about 30) they would then put you into a thing called INclusion. Which is basically like you go into a room with about 10 other boys all in the same situation, supervised by 3 other teachers to do work on computers and stuff. But i just couldnt stand it! It started to drive me crazy staring at the same wall every single day! We were allowed one break for 10 minutes which wasn't enough if im honest. Also because i smoke cigarettes it was pretty hard to get through the day. So i stopped going to inclusion. Anyway to cut a long story short on the school part, they couldnt exclude me and they couldnt put me in inculsion so they permanently excluded me. Or so i though it was permanent exclusion... I never got to do my GCSE exams because i got told they would find me another school but they didnt. And when i went up the school to ask why, they said it was permanent study leave and that i should have come back to do my exams there. BUT I DIDNT KNOW! They lied to me, i felt betrayed.

So i left school with no qualifications to my name AT ALL, while all my friends had atleast a few. While they were all going off to work or college, i was stuck at home every single day, doing the same old thing, smoking weed. I would smoke weed every day without fail, i would smoke around 2 to maybe even 10 joints a day, i would get stoned and play xbox, or get stoned and just stay in bed all day. I did this for about a year til i was around 18.

Anyway on to another reason why im so down about everything, when i was about 16 things started to get good when i met a really nice girl called Sasha, she was amazing, its gonna sound stupid but she was just perfect for me, ive had like girlfriends since i was about 13 so i know what is and isn't love, even though many of you will disagree. We had soo much in common it was crazy, she was at college so i used to meet her after college everyday, it gave me a motive to get out of bed i guess. We used to do alot like take random trips to places we have never been before, like one time we randomly got on a train to sheffield for no reason and stayed up there all day just seeing new things. She didn't like the fact that i smoked weed so i stopped it, not because she made me or anything, i just wanted to be a better boyfriend. After about 2 and a half years things started to get a bit shakey between us. We started having alot of arguements about stupid things. We got through it all, but it took a real turn for the worse when i had a arguement with her family, well to be exact, her step-mum. Her step-mum never really liked me from the start, she always looked down at me for having no qualifications even though i explained why, and she would always give me bad looks when i was at Sasha's house. We had an arguement becuase she was drunk and said i wasn't good enough for sasha so i went to walk out because im not arguing with my girlfriends family but she blocked my path and slapped me. I went out the back door instead and left. I thought things would be fine after a couple of days but all of a sudden i got a text through from sasha saying sorry she can't see me anymore because of her step-mum. She lied about what happened and said i threatened her because she wouldn't get out of my way. Which is completely not true! I would never hurt or threaten a girl in my life...

The break up really hit me hard. I cried myslef to sleep that night. And i cried virtually everyday after that for about two weeks, What sucked even more was her dad was paying her phone contract, so he blocked my number, i couldnt contact her at all. And he made sasha block me on facebook and stuff so i couldnt say a thing to her. It hurt SO much! She was such massive part of my life then all of a sudden she was gone without me even being able to say a thing to her or even plead my case to her family. It was just so hard to get over everyday felt like a had a knife rammed into my stomach. I stopped eating my dinner, i lost alot of weight i went from around 12-13 stone to around 8 and a half stone in about a month. I started smoking weed again and drank alcohol really heavily. I did it honestly to try and forget everything and numb the pain, i really started to lose it. I started threatening boys that i knew were talking to her telling them to fight me and things. Im not like that at all, just couldnt help what was happening. I tried to talk to people why i was like it but nobody ever understood how i felt, so i forgot about my friends i didnt see them in about 2 months, i just stayed in bed, in my room every single day. My family kept on telling me it wasn't healthy and what was wrong with me, but i didn't want to tell them i thought i would seem weak. My family aren't exactly the type who will sit and listen apart from my uncle. But he had alot of his own worries so i didnt want to bother him with that.

Its been about 8 months since we split up and my life has really gone downhill, i stopped doing the drugs cos i got heart palputations, and i know that drugs arent worth dying for. But i drink almost every day, usually about 6-8 cans of beer, sometimes alot more if i feel really down. I don't go out too much only weekends with my friends, but i have gone from being the heart and soul of the party all the time to being the one who always puts a downer on everyones night. I only really have my male friends, i dont talk to many girls because i get really scared im going to get hurt again and i end up pushing them away. Or i start liking them a bit and just end up screwing things up because im now always so scared of what could happen, i get really jealous of them even talking to another boy and i dont know why i never used to be like it before. I get angry easily more now, i dont hit people, i just end up punching walls or cupboards in my house, it makes myself feel better the pain is somewhat soothing to me in a weird way, i dont know why i just like to punish myself. I dont cut myself or anything like that. I just hit things and always blame myself for everything that has happened.

I have changed an awful lot recently, i have lost alot friends, alot of self confidence, and i have lost my trust in anyone. My life is at a dead end and i dont know what i can do to change it, i miss sasha so much and i miss my family so much too. I just feel so lonely and helpless, i get paranoid very easily, and i know im losing it because someitmes i sit staring into my mirror talking to myself for like half an hour each time. As my title says, im so confused and i dont know what to do?

ANYWAY, to everyone that has read all of that thank you so much for your time, I know its an awful lot to read and tbh i could have wrote alot more but i dont want to bore you all with my pathetic life. I even feel better now just getting that all out of me. Even if you cant help me, i feel better for writing this.

Once again thankyou for your time THAT IS ALOT TO READ LOL , im so glad ive found something like this to express how i feel.

Thanks,

Mike

[IrmaJean]

Hi, Mike, and welcome.

I'm sorry that you have been feeling down. It's good that expressing yourself is helpful. I find it helps me too.

You've been through a lot in your life. Loss is very tough for me as well. It must have been very painful being abruptly cut off from contact with your girlfriend. It sounds as if you have been coping with your pain by using alcohol and drugs. You've mentioned that your family does not listen when you express yourself. That must be so difficult. We all need comfort and support at times during our lives. Is there anyone else in your life who you can confide in and receive support? Are you able to see a counselor?

i didn't want to tell them i thought i would seem weak.

I hear you. I hope' date=' though, that you will be gentle with yourself. You opened your heart to caring and this is a positive thing. Feeling hurt after suffering a loss is very human. It's okay to feel hurt and sad.

i dont talk to many girls because i get really scared im going to get hurt again and i end up pushing them away.

I can understand how being vulnerable can feel frightening when you've recently experienced a painful loss. Maybe it takes more time to heal and feel positive about taking chances again. Risks can be scary, but the rewards of a caring relationship can also bring love and great joy. I hope, in time, you will be able to move forward and try again.

it makes myself feel better the pain is somewhat soothing to me in a weird way' date=' i dont know why i just like to punish myself. I dont cut myself or anything like that. I just hit things and always blame myself for everything that has happened.[/quote']

It's possible to learn different ways of coping with pain. Self-awareness is a place to start. Therapy can be beneficial in this as well. I do hope you will take care with yourself.

I'm not bored with your expressions, Mike. I always feel honored when others share themselves. If expressing your feelings helps, feel free to continue to do so here. We are here for one another.

Take gentle care.