Had enough

[AmyeH]

I've really had enough. I've been (very) sick for 2 1/2 years and in a psychiatric hospital for 2 years. 2 years! It's an absolute nightmare, it really is! Depression, BPD, OCD and anxiety.

I tried dozens of medications and nothing has helped at all. Now I'm doing ECT and have done ten ECTs but seven were successful and I had a seizure. But no change. It's so far done nothing for me whatsoever.

I've been in intensive therapy for nearly three years and no changes there.

I'm just feeling worse and worse all the time. How bad can things get before they get better?!

I just want all of this minute to minute suffering to end. If I had access to a ton of pills, I'd take all of them and just hope that I'll go into a coma and never wake up.

I've only got one idea of how I'd end my life that is actually viable. Each day I'm getting closer and closer to doing it. I've truly had enough! No messing around.

[LaLa]

A., I hear your suffering, anger, and frustration . I feel almost guilty when telling you to live, as in your eyes, it's a prolongation of your suffering. I know it's your own choice. But consider; you're strong enough to end your life - a huge decision to make. You can also use this strength for the opposite - to survive and to search for ways towards a better life. I know it's more difficult as... death seems to be a certainty and life is uncertain, full of doubts, insecurities, ... But life still keeps chances and potentials for you, while death doesn't offer anything but the ultimate end.

Healing may take even years, it's true . But... death will come someday anyway. If you don't become a murder (of yourself), you will give a chance to life to show you also what you don't know so far; it's positive side. Don't you want to experience it before you die?? I hope you do...

[LaLa]

Here is a post full of hope:

I hope it can be inspirational for you...

[malign]

You've asked before how bad things have to get before they get better ...

What if they don't have to get worse? Are you assuming that things have to get worse before they get better? Maybe things are allowed to start getting better any time now. Is there some reason they "shouldn't"?

[AmyeH]

I've been three years in this awful mental breakdown and I'm coming to the end. Every day I'm suffering with no relief. It's pure hell. I'm 27 years old now, been self-harming since I was 13 and had OCD since I was 15.

All I want is a little relief but literally no medications, therapy or ECT (yet) has done anything. No lie. Things have just gotten worse and worse every week.

I just sat with the nurses for an hour an talked about my suicidal thoughts and ideas, what a horrible person I am. They don't know what to do with me because I'm just being a sarcastic beast. They asked me if I wanted to go to the closed ward if I'm a danger to myself. I said no (it's a zoo there, horrible).

Enough is enough. I just want to curl in a ball and die. That's it.

[LaLa]

Maybe it's a good idea to curl in a ball. And lie. Not die.

Why do you think you're a horrible person??? What kind of horrible??

Could there be a part in you which still wants to live? It's this part that pushes you to talk to people and to write here and on your blog. It's the part which can use your left energy at least for these attmpts to stay alive. She can do even more. If you let her...

I'm sending big hugs to you...

[finding my way]

AmeyH, I am so sorry for your pain :(

One of the most valuable things I learned in therapy is how very stuck we can be in a mere part of ourselves. The therapy was Internal Family Systems. Learning to take just one step back created just enough space so that I could not be solely gripped by that one part of myself. From that place I could then gain a new perspective of what was happening, what the dynamics of my "system" were and how I was stuck.

I hear you. I'm so sorry you hurt

[Lana73]

Amye, I am too so very sorry that you have been hurting for so long. I wish I could do something to help you.I was hospitalized once, not for so long, but it was pretty tough.

I have been following your posts for over a year and think that you are so strong!!

You are in my thoughts.

[LaLa]

A., I've just read something insightful in a context that isn't important here to mention, just that it was also about a person suffering for a long time and having the feeling that everything is getting worse. I think that maybe it could be one of the topics to discuss in your therapy. Just as an idea; what you think about it, ...

Here it is:

Who knows? Maybe at some level, it's important to her that things get worse every day. Maybe if she stopped suffering, ever, it would imply to her that she "should" or even could have stopped sooner, or that the causes of her suffering weren't "really" as awful as they undoubtedly were ... (Neither of which are true, of course.)

Lots of people have an investment in staying sick, if only they could find it.

[AmyeH]

Thanks for the kind replies guys. I really appreciate it.

My blog post from tonight pretty much sums it up:

xxxhttp://quietbpd.wordpress.com/2013/01/14/thats-pretty-much-it/

[LaLa]

Thank you for the link, A.

I wonder, A., what and why you appreciate the replies of others. Could you think about it for a while, if you're reading this? You're always so grateful and appreciating and it sounds confusing to me in this context of suicide. When we feel grateful, it means, at least in my eyes, that we feel that we've received something we wanted. So it means that you've received the care, appreciation, attention, worries, ... you wanted, doesn't it? But why would you care about such things if you really wanted to die? Isn't your feeling about the reactions of others a good proof for you that you still want to live and to fight, you are just loosing your hope that you can get better?

You mentioned that if God loves you, he'll let you die soon. How could you know anything about God's "plans" or "wishes"? Why loving you would have to imply this way of removing the suffering?

Maybe you could try to think of all the people who suffered for more years than you have so far; from different tragic causes, including, for instance, the holocaust, ... Many of those who survived some incredible suffering became very wise, helpful, appreciated, ... people. It's maybe, in some way, easier when the suffering is implied on you from the outside world than when it's "a result of your head". However, there were many things which caused "your head" to be the way it is now - you also can find many causes "outside".

I'm sorry if I'm not helpful. I'd love you to feel much better, to succeed toward healing...

[IrmaJean]

Hi Amy. I hear your frustration, discouragement, and pain. I'm sorry for all you have been through. I'm sitting here with you and sending my care. Hang on, if you can. All of us have light and we need yours.

I did notice reading your blog that you are being very hard on yourself. Being tired and frustrated and hurt does not equate with weakness. You're human and this hurts. Maybe one place to start would be to become aware of your inner critic. Try offering yourself understanding and kindness. I understand that is difficult for you.

There are people out there who care. I hope you will keep expressing yourself.

[malign]

Yah, I wondered whether a loving god wouldn't just help you feel better instead of "letting you die". For one thing, most people emerge from troubled times stronger than they went in. I would think that letting you die would be equivalent to admitting that he screwed up, somewhere along the line. That's why I think it's more likely that a loving god would "let you" live, by which I mean arrange things so that you could really live. Heck, maybe he already has; the trick might be discovering how you get there ...

And oddly, that's the same issue even if he doesn't exist.

[LaLa]

News from A.:

http://quietbpd.wordpress.com/