Need help for my wife Please :)

[rob1984]

okay, its a long story but I may have found the issue, I'll explain how we met and go from there.

My wife is currently 24yrs old and I am 28yrs old, We met when she was 17 and I was 21. She had a couple of bf's in high school but nothing really serious, one bf she went out for a year with. When her and I met, things moved very quickly after 3 weeks she said she loved me, after 3 months, she moved in with me.. all went so fast. She Acted out alot, like a spoiled child.. always wanted things her way and her previous bf's she always got it, and that never lasted, with me I stood my ground said yes sometimes, for the sake of peace, but most times I said NO.

She is very sexually active high libido and seemed at first when we met she used it against me.. She only seems to befriend males, as she said her and females do not get along ( she does have female friends thou ) through our relationship she has matured a lot, but at one point she gained some weight and got Alopecia. She still has it but the hair is regrowing. I noticed she makes an emotional attachment to her male friends. Easily finds her self attracted to them, and they always seem to be older, sometimes not much but at one point the man was in his 40s.. once at her parents a family friend was there that she worked with,my wife got drunk and was all over him, hugging and sitting on his lap.. did not look very nice.. now recently her and I were not doing to well.. I was focused on our finances and not giving her much attention, so at work she received attention from another man, he was nice to her, pretended to be interested in her as a friend, asked how I was, what I did and wanted to meet me.. so she felt comfortable being his friend.. but she became attracted to him.. so one day he invited her to come hang out with some friends from work, he then said no one wanted to come why do you not come over while I house sit.. as trusting and naive she is...she went. Well long story short he got her drunk, kept feeding her booze and kissed her just before she was leaving, but she did not stop and kissed him back. shortly after she stopped, called me and said she screwed up and said to pick her up.. I was furious of course.. She did not want to believe she was taken advantage of or that he did nothing wrong.. at one point she admitted she knew he liked her, but did not expect him to do anything but she knew there was a chance and would stop it, but has no idea why she didn't and said she liked it. I know she regrets it a lot... since she changed instantly.

She went after a new career, started to exercise, make me coffee clean more and being very nice..She is also jelouse of her friends, they are pregnant now, and she wants a kid, or she will get upset when one friend hangs out with another and she was not invited, or to a point where some of her friends have more likes on facebook. Her parents growing up were not really there for her, she was caught stealing condoms in gr10, and her dad did ground her, but her friends and bf were allowed to come over. She would be kissing a guy in her basement and her mom would just laugh, or when her and I met we would fool around there and nothing.

She is very promiscuous, as if she uses sex to control men.

Her mom once allowed me to sleep over, but then called her dad and told him she said no, but we did not listen.. Her dad never really taught her anything.. was no role model to her, not much.. when she was 3 he was drunk babysitting and she opened the door to a stranger. She never recalls him saying I love you.. and recently asked if he cared to walk her down the Isle at her wedding and he said it does not matter to him ( we talked about this recently and she burst in to tears)

Her dad pays alot more attention to his son, he is also military and when he is in trouble he is always there to help.. my wife's sister also went through something similar and is with a man who is almost 60 and she is 39.. they met when she was 24 and he was in his 40's.

Her mother always seems to be jealouse of my wife.. feeds her dessert when she is trying to lose weight when she says she does not want any..

To add, my wife never seems happy, always wants to change the rooms around.. buys stuff we do not need, its as if whatever I do its never enough.

When she drinks she becomes very sexual..almost dominating. Actually most times she goes past the comfort zone with other men, is when she had a few too many. The night where the person kissed her, she did drink wine. (Alcohol has been part of her family growing up.) Its as if she was taking any attention she got, weather it be a hug a high five or even a kiss, so that she does not push anyone away, its almost as if she is scared I will leave her and she has some back up just in case her and I go sour.

At first she told me what she did she wanted to and screwed up, but I found that hard to believe as I do not feel its in her nature to be a cheater.. Cheaters are sneaky when they cheat, and not feel remorseful, and call their husband as soon as it happens to be picked up, knowing she would have nothing if I left her and she would be forced to go back to her parents and start from scratch again. Plus she changed a lot after that, and for the good. So can anyone explain this behavior to me.. She knows she has a problem, admitted to it and will be seeing a psychiatrist.. she has no idea why she did what she did and reassures me it will never happen again.

What do you guys make of this ?

If this is in the wrong section you can move it. thank you for taking the time in reading this.

[malign]

People act out sexually for all sorts of reasons, ranging from various mental illnesses to things like a quite normal rebellion against authority, for instance. Just because a particular behavior or behavior pattern might be considered inappropriate (by some observer) doesn't make it the result of mental illness. And no one here is really equipped to diagnose the difference, even from a detailed first-hand history, much less a second-hand one. All of which means that we're in a much better position to support you, at the moment, than to support her, much as we might like to. It sounds as if her best course might very well be the one she's on: to go to a mental health professional and ask for their help directly.

So, what's your take on how all this affects you? You have a say in how all this turns out, as well. You've been affected, too. And how you react will have important consequences on your marriage, and maybe on your wife's future behavior, in an indirect way. You mentioned that she "uses sex to control men"; do you feel controlled by her? You also said that she never feels happy; how does that make you feel? Personally, I think spouses owe it to each other to either live up to the promises they made when they got married, or to be honest and separate. But the real problem, of course, is deciding where one's limits are.

[LaLa]

Hello, Rob, welcome

I like malign's reply, so I have only one idea to add: Maybe you could also try couples therapy. Because in that case, your needs would be considered, too. You'll have a better opportunity to express your feeilngs and needs and consers - sometimes it's really much easier in a therapy room than at home.

[rob1984]

i gave boundaries about all this. I believe in second chances, especially the way things perspired, her remorse,her honesty and not hiding it from me, those are good traits, so i know she is a good person deep down, but in the end we are all human and make mistakes.. as long as we own up to them and learn to never do it again.When we spoke she said it does not matter what he did to me,I just care for our marriage.. I think she should care what he did to her.So a self respect issue is there, and that is her fathers job to teach her, in the end we will be fine, but i am certain there is some sort of issue the dr will find, no she does not control me with sex, but when we got together,its what she used to entice me.

[LaLa]

It seems that she's very lucky to have you as husband . You're so understanding, so respectful and... well; I like your attitude in general. I hope very much that she'll receive the help she needs, that you'll be both better and your relationship will become stronger thanks to these experiences.

Good luck!

And feel free to 'talk' about it all here whenever you'll feel to do so . I suppose that it won't be so simple, it will take some time and bring possibly some new problems; so some support might be fine. We are here...

[rob1984]

I made certain she does not see me as a push over, but i'm sure she does not. Do you believe i'm talking the right approach. In my mind she is talking the right steps to fix this. I take this incident as a red flag and learn not to take our relationship for granted and so did she, it went as far as it had to..so she can learn as well.. so our future can be better.