Need advice!!

[Girlfriend-here]

Q

[dvnJ22]

I've never been in a relationship, but I'll try my best to help you. All you can do is tell him it doesn't bother you, and show him love. There really isn't much you can do, and it sounds like you are doing your part. As far as he is feeling -- I can just tell you how I would feel, and personally I would be scared of getting into a relationship then have the girl leave or cheat on me. I would also have a very hard time believing a positive word she would have to say about my penis. I don't know if this has helped, but i wish you the best.

[Jessie]

Go round and see him.

Ask him if you have done something to offend him.

Ask him to tell you that if he doesnt find you attractive, or has found someone else, to do the honourable thing and let you know.

Otherwise tell him you think you have great chemistry together and would love to take the relationship further.

Tell him that you miss him and would love to spend some more time with him.

ps if hes 4inches hes not suffering from SPS as such, instead he is simply suffering from a smaller than average penis and that has a lot of repercussions for him (he may have previously been badly treated by girls)- but you sound lovely and accepting.

I think if you really go after him he will respond- he will need a ton of assurance- but us smaller guys are often very loyal and appreciative so there are pros to us too...

[Girlfriend-here]

Thanks guys very helpful! Yeah I said to him if he's simply not attracted to me that's fine but if it's something else then I wanna work it out, he said he was very attracted to me. Would he want to hear from me or rather me just leave him alone? Will he budge on his decision towards

Me or is the distress/anxiety/ depression associated with small penis to much for him to deal with?

[Jessie]

You will need to pester him a bit. He is likely to be secretly delighted to hear from you...

For him it may be a sub conscious wish for him to test your true attraction to him.

He is likely to be very distrustful of your true motives, but be gentle with him, as he will have learnt that society and women (on the whole) have a low opinion of him.

So hes gonna think 'what on Earth does she want with me"?

You have to convince him you accept what he has to offer and still like him and wish to pursue a full relationship.

ps oh, i meant to say before, please don't confide in any mutual friends- this kind of issue could leak out and would destroy him.

pps and you must deny, to the your dying day any discussion about him, including this site- I am deadly serious.

this is irregardless of whether things work out with him.

[Girlfriend-here]

Jessie u are so helpful any wise thank you for ur advice. I appreciate it.

[Girlfriend-here]

Ps I have been msging him every couple of days, I've made the msgs light n funny but still no response. So I keep going with this approach? Do u think? can't visit him he lives away

[Jessie]

If you go to the trouble of travelling to him that will mean a lot.

On the other hand why not call him?

[Girlfriend-here]

Yes I have, how long shall I hang in there for? I worry reading some comments by men feeling the way he does n I'm not sure if having a woman by his side will fix his anxieties about his penis.... Or is that half the problem solved?

[Jessie]

Look- the honest truth is guys like us go to our graves feeling inadequate and pretty sorry for ourselves.

Having a partner will never really 'cure us'.

Though having a partner would make me so much happier in general and a lot happier with myself (relatively).

But you will never remove the anxiety or shame completely.

Just like a profoundly disfigured women will never think of herself as pretty I guess....

Whilst we can talk about quality of character and internal beauty we all know that sexual attractiveness and adequacy do count.

Having said all that I reckon its worth trying to get him to come around.

Unless he's just stringing you along and isnt into you.

But I suspect he's in bad place due to his size and only you know if you can put up with dealing with someone with this issue.

Another poster here, Cece, has managed to create a good relationship with a smaller guy, who has major hang ups, but there are bad days as well as good ones. There is no magic pill alas.

I say keep at it - he may end up being a faithful and loving partner.

[malign]

You could flip that around, 'Jessie', and say that 'Girlfriend-here's boyfriend is at risk of losing her precisely because he's relating, not to her, but to his own fears about his penis. The real person doesn't care, but he might never see that.

It makes you question, doesn't it, whether what you guys perceive, at least sometimes, is really what the other human being is actually thinking, or just what you think they're thinking ...

On the other hand, 'skynight's point, though bluntly stated, is worth some thought on 'Girlfriend-here's part: is this fight worth it to you? You can't change another person's viewpoint, and it may even be harder to do it the closer you are to them (they'll tend to discount it as just "being nice" to them.) Are there reasons why you're prepared to invest in this guy as opposed to the next one you might meet (and, of course, it won't harm any of these guys to hear again what it is you're primarily interested in ...)

[Jessie]

Well yes, I suppose Skynight has a point- the guy may be a burden to 'Girlfriend' if they got together.

She has to make a judgement call about whether she is patient enough to deal with someone who is profoundly depressed about a 'defect' that can never be 'cured'.

Perhaps Im being biased and am fighting the corner for her possible future partner.

I emphasise with him- its possible that in the next 10 years or so he might not meet another girl like this one- so I would hate to think he's gonna lose out.

It seems to me she doesnt mind his size- and if his insecurity is holding him back- this is a 'tragedy' of sorts.

I would love to see another small guy find a few days of happiness.

But you are right, perhaps Im putting his happiness above hers-

Again, she must decide- Im keeping my fingers crossed it might work out- and if it does thats a tad more hope for all of us small guys.

ps by the way I think small guys may not be ideal in the bedroom but we make very loyal and appreciative partners- generally speaking. That counts for something to many girls.

[malign]

That too, 'skynight'. It's important to repeat that not every breakup is a penis issue.

[Jessie]

Well the OP said it was only 4 so he's likely to harbour some doubts surely?

and she said he was very 'shy' about it.

she also said his 'anxieties' grew so I don't know if he's verbalised anything or not.

Its feasible hes just not into her but given the info she's supplied I think her hunch is almost certainly correct.

Its actually very similar to Cece's experiences isnt it?

[malign]

But Jessie, we're saying it could be both his issue about his penis and something else. Just because he's suffering from SPS doesn't mean that if he "cures" that, he'll never break up with anybody ...

To me, the mistake is attributing the fact that most friendships/relationships do end in breakup to the myth that it's due to one's size.

If you already worry about your size, you're more likely to assume that the breakup is for that reason.

If you don't, you may have a more reasonable interpretation. {Of course, you also might not. Lots of guys feel really bad about themselves for unwarranted reasons that have nothing to do with their size ...}

[Jessie]

No, I wasnt suggesting that at all. Most people have many insecurities about many things of course.

And he may be gay, a player, married, mother just died, etc all manner of possible reasons why he wont respond to the OP.

And yes, maybe he's just not that keen.

However, assuming the OP is genuine:

1. He is small (as far as I can tell that always upsets the owner to some degree)

2. Hes very shy

3. He liked the OP enough to have sex with her

3. His anxiety increased over time

So I'm betting size is a major source of angst for him.

Generally smaller guys are less fickle and very grateful for sexual opportunities or female companionship (not wishing to make us sound pitiful but I think its fair comment) so the idea he would suddenly refuse this lovely girl as hes 'not into her' just seems a tad far fetched.

Whilst I don't deny its 'feasibly possible' would you also accept 'its more likely' that he's pushing her away due to his inner turmoil?

I'm not saying the OP should spent the next 6 months harassing him.

But I cant think there is any harm in reaching out to him and letting him know she's into him, not as a friend, but as an exclusive lover.

And if he really wont play ball she will know she has done all she can.

[Girlfriend-here]

I just wanted to know the best way to approach him if he did infact end it because of his penis. If he did (which I'm 80% sure he did) then I want him to trust me, because I'm not shallow n it doesn't bother me at all. But if it was ended for other reasons I'm fine with that, but I just feel bad if it's over due to his penis, cos then it's ended for the wrong reasons. Im happy to pursue him, if that's wat it takes I'm in no rush n if it's time he needs so be it. Usually a strong attraction to a person isn't lost over night, but perhaps in his case it was.

I'll hopefully have a happy ending I can share with u all For wat its worth i think society has done a bloody unforgivable job on men that feel inadequate about their size. The material on the Internet Is unbelievable. I'm new to this world but I'm congruent n trust me when I say size doesn't matter.

[Jessie]

I'm new to this world but I'm congruent n trust me when I say size doesn't matter.

Ummm, would it be inappropriate for me to propose marriage over the internet at this point?

[Girlfriend-here]

Why not haha

[Bundy]

I know I said a while ago I would stop posting here, but I still find myself caring about the users on this forum, and have been visiting the last few days in hope something good happened to you guys, especially since I got out of my christmas and new years blues, but anyway

For wat its worth i think society has done a bloody unforgivable job on men that feel inadequate about their size. The material on the Internet Is unbelievable.

Thank you so much, you can't imagine how much it means to me to see someone acknowledge my feelings instead of directly dismissing them as lunacy or "just in my head" or bothering me with their meaningless "size doesn't matter" mantra. Just the fact that someone here has the balls (and this ironically being a woman) to just cut the bullshit and verify the fact that small guys are being discriminated in our over-sexualized society means a lot to me, actually made my day.

Thank you Girlfriend-here, I hope things work out with your love interest, would be a shame to let the chance of a real relationship go to waste because of this shit.

[malign]

It's not that anyone dismisses the feelings, or claims that society isn't a bitch, or that a fairly large number of our fellow humans aren't a-holes.

It's that none of those things moves anyone forward.

You can't change other people (it's hard enough changing oneself.) And until they come up with a 12-step program for a-holism, it's likely to continue to be a fact of life.

So most of what we do here is, in fact, trying to support people's feelings, while at the same time, trying to modify them. For instance, if you do find yourself exposed to one of the aforementioned a-holes, do you take their opinion as important in any way, or do you seek out people (such as those here) who don't see the world that way?

My summary would actually be "size doesn't matter to people who matter"; the trick becomes finding such people.

[Jessie]

"the trick becomes finding such people"

Amen to that!....

[malign]

But in the process, we've accomplished a very useful shift in perspective: now, if you meet someone who doesn't "fit the profile", you just go on and keep looking. Now if there's anyone to blame, it could just as easily be them for caring about size.

And of course, the basic problem is that each of you cares ...

[thouroghlyunhappy]

. Now if there's anyone to blame, it could just as easily be them for caring about size.

And of course, the basic problem is that each of you cares ...

Okay, question.

Firstly, lets not pretend as if social standing means absolutely nothing.

With that said, lets say a guy has sex with a chick and she's one of those whom cares about size...and then she leaves you and tells all of her friends whom also ridicule you and then none of the ladies want anything to do with you because they don't want to be the chick with the small-penis guy whom all of the girls make fun of..and then lets say the chicks tell their boyfriends and then everyone knows that you're hung like a child and you become the butt of all jokes. This is hasn't happened to me but it's happened to others.

.

How can a guy not care ?

And we can't fault the ladies for not wanting to be with a small penis guy because they're human and want sexual gratification just as we do.

While I agree that, ultimately, what others think about you doesn't matter..but then at the same time it does, ya know? Actually, it matters alot because our standing in life is largely determined by our interactions with others and their thoughts about us. It's other people whom determine that your "good", "bad", "useless", etc., and then their opinion about you determines how your treated.

[malign]

It's other people whom determine that your "good", "bad", "useless", etc. ...

This is it, right here. You can, but personally, I don't give that much power to, say, the random people I work with. Sure, they've all got an opinion, and a right to it. They believe what they believe, but only I get to decide what I believe.

So I would rather endure solitude (or at least isolation from people with those kinds of opinions) or even mockery from them (and I've survived my share of mockery), rather than agree that their opinion matters enough to determine what mine should be.

Maybe that core belief of mine got hardened by the seven years I spent married to a woman who routinely called me or the parents I love "shit". But regardless how I came by it, it's something I now live by. {I could say "it's something I live because of"; it's one of the few things that kept me alive when I was suicidal.}

I recommend it to others without reservation. :-)